When you develop, Binge Eating Disorder, you aren't able to fight your desire for food. It's like an addiction. It IS an addiction. Binge eating, and overeating and how that negatively affects your health until you learn how to reprogram your mind.
My guest today is Dr. Glenn Livingston, author of “Never Binge Again” and our topic is “How to Reprogram Your Mind to stop, binge eating,”
Glenn Livingston PhD, is a veteran psychologist and was the long-time CEO of a multi-million-dollar consulting firm which serviced several fortune 500 clients in the food industry.
Dr. Glenn can you tell us what makes you uniquely qualified to comment on, binge eating disorder?
Well I'm not just a psychologist who wanted to work with people to help them lose weight; I'm a guy who had a very serious, binge eating, problem myself.
I know what's happening in the addiction treatment field that we're being told that we're powerless over the, food addiction, that it's a disease. Binge eating, is
An irresistible impulse that gets worse over time.
Here is Dr Glenn's story on how He conquered, Binge Eating,
I discovered a weird thing when I was a youth. I'm 6’4” I'm reasonably muscular and I figured out when I was about 17, that if I worked out for two or three hours a day, I could eat whatever I wanted. So my diet was boxes of muffins, boxes of donuts, boxes of pizza, boxes of chocolate bars. I was eating six, seven, eight thousand calories a day and it was no problem.
Well as you could figure out, I couldn’t continue, binge eating, like that as I got into my 20’s.
When I got to be about 22 or 23, married and in graduate school, I was commuting to school, I had all these responsibilities as a husband. I could barely work out two hours a week, much less two hours a day. But I couldn't get rid of the cravings for, junk food. I had a, food addiction, and I started getting fatter and fatter. My triglycerides went through the roof, and I had doctors telling me that I was going to die in my 30's if I didn't find stop, binge eating .
I eventually figured it wasn't what I was eating, it was what was eating me.
I had been doing some reading in alternative, food addiction, treatment by a guy named Jack Trimpey. He wrote a book called “Rational Recovery” and he made it clear to me for the first time that the seed of, food addiction, was really the, reptilian brain,.
Binge eating, is looking at food from the reptilian brain doesn't know love. We're all we're all busy trying to love ourselves out of these, food addictions; but the reptilian brain doesn't know love. The reptilian brain assesses something in the environment and says, do I eat it or do I kill it! There's no love there, there's no concern for tribe or family or friends or long-term aspirations or creativity or music or art. There's none of that. It's just eat, mate or kill, and when you look at the animal studies you see that is what happens when you short circuit the pleasure system.
You can walk a block in most cities and find a McDonald's, a Burger King across the street. There's a fast-food restaurant on every corner these days. So we don’t have physical electrodes in our brain; but there are chemical electrodes and concentrations of pleasure that we weren't prepared to meet by evolution.
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binge eating disorder
Binge Eating, and what your choice of foods signifies:
My research found was that people who struggled with, binge eating, chocolate was definitely lonely or brokenhearted.
People who struggled with, binge eating, salty crunchy things, tended to be stressed at work people
People who struggled with, binge eating, soft chewy things like bread or bagels or pasta, tended to be stressed at home.
I found out from my mom, the reason I struggled, binge eating, chocolate.
I tell people the best way to stop the, food addiction, and, binge eating, is to is to think of the single worst trigger food or eating behavior that's getting you in trouble.
Maybe it's eating in the car, maybe that's where you do all the damage. Maybe you could create one rule that says: I never eat in the car or maybe it's a particular food. e.g I can only have salami on Sundays. Maybe it's about how you eat, maybe it's more like you need to pause and be more mindful. e.g I'll always put my fork down between bites.
If there's something that you know is getting you into trouble, binge eating, start with that one.
Binge Eating and the Reptilian Brain
Don't worry if making this rule will help you loose weight or not. Unless your doctor says that it's really urgent that you do, don't worry about your weight. I just want you to get the hang of the way this mental game is played, because that rule allows you to separate your thoughts from your, reptilian brain.
Come up with a name for your, reptilian brain, I called mine my “pig”
Some people call theirs their food monster or food demon or something like that.
Then you want to listen for those destructive thoughts.
You want to listen for what your inner food demon says is the rationale that you should break the plan with, binge eating, you can do one of two things when you hear it.
You can ignore it, because it doesn't matter how smart what is saying, it doesn't matter how logical it sounds, if you know that it's coming from your food demon, your pig, you now it's bad. So you might as well ignore it even if it sounds like it's got a PhD from Harvard!
You could write out what the food demon is saying and you ask yourself where is the lie within it. Where is the logical fallacy within it. For example maybe the food demon says one bite won't hurt you, or you can start again tomorrow, which is based upon the logical fallacy that you'll be in the exact same place tomorrow.
Food addiction leads to binge eating
If you reinforce the connection today between that craving and the actual eating of the food then, you're going to have a stronger craving tomorrow. That means the, food addiction and, binge eating, will be a little worse tomorrow.
One of the ways to attack your craving and, binge eating, is to create a food plan. The food plan would have some things that you always eat, some things you never eat, and some things you eat sometimes.
I always eat five servings of fruit or vegetables.
I drink two whole glasses of water when I get up in the morning.
I will only eat pretzels at major league baseball games.
I only eat bread when I am out at a restaurant.
I never eat after 6 pm.
I never eat pizza.
I never eat more than two squares of chocolate a day.
Conclusion
While other addictions, such as alcohol and drug abuse, are more widely known and understood, food addiction, and, binge eating, isn't. Hope this blog post and Dr. Glenn Livingston, author of “Never Binge Again” helps.
Never go with your, gut feelings, because what is true is that your gut, intuition, is often going to be lying to you. Just like people who are depressed and anxious feel that there's something to be said about, gut feelings, when there's not, and feel there's a threat when there is not. Instead use counter intuitive strategies to make decisions.
What was your path in becoming a Cognitive Neuroscientist?
I was 18 in 1999 when the Prince song party like it's 1999 was Hot. A lot of leaders were partying because their companies were going boom they were making a lot of a lot of money. Billions of dollars were invested into the dot.com industry, and just a couple of years later when I was 21 in 2002, they all went bust. The leaders of the dot.com era made terrible decisions. They trusted their, Gut feelings, and went bust! That and the fact I saw my father trust his, gut feelings, and made terrible decisions, made me study to become a Cognitive Neuroscientist.
Leaders who went with their, gut feelings, made bad decisions
A lot of Leaders who went with, gut feelings, went to jail. Their, gut instincts, were way off. Never trust just your, gut feelings. I was curious about what was going on, so I decided to study the neuroscience of the brain and how people think. I became a Trainer, Consultant, and Coach for business leaders.
Cognitive neuroscience, is a subfield of neuroscience that studies the biological processes that underlie human cognition, especially in regards to the relation between brain structures, activity and cognitive functions. The purpose of it is to determine how the brain functions and achieves performance.is the study of how our brain works, how we make decisions and what our patterns of decision-making are. I also studied the specific judgment errors that we make when we make decisions purely from, gut feelings.
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One of the first things I wanted to know because as a, Lifecoach myself, when I sit down in a coaching session, I'm looking for certain things in order for me to understand where my clients are coming from. As a cognitive neuroscientist and behavioral economist, what are you looking for when you were consulting with these business leaders?
Coaching to, Gut Instinct
The first thing I'm looking for is to make sure the person is coachable. A lot of people would like to go to a coach, but they're not coachable. Meaning that they're not willing to listen to external feedback and accept that sometimes, someone looking from the outside is going to be wiser than the person looking from the inside and making those, gut feeling, decisions.
I also try to find an issue of disagreement and in the first session, to see how the person reacts to this disagreement. Because if this person's is not able to deal with this disagreement, then we’re not going to be able to have an effective coaching relationship. Because as a coach I'm going to tell you what I think, and if you can’t accept feedback, we can't work together and I'd like to discover that as quickly as possible.
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The other thing that I look for at the start of the session is how emotionally aware this person is. That's the quality of emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence refers to two broad skill sets:
emotional awareness – where is this person emotions
and emotional management – how are they able to manage their emotions.
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It is really an important element for me to understand. Do I need to teach this person these skills of emotional intelligence, personal skills, emotional awareness and emotional management? Because in order to make good decisions, instead of going with, gut feelings, we need to realize that our emotions are the overwhelming factor driving our, gut intuition and, gut instinct. Our emotions shape about 80 to 90 percent of our, gut feelings, and decision-making. Going with your, gut feelings, means going with your, gut instinct intuition, and they're often wrong, so this is a problem.
When my clients notice that there are goals they want to achieve from coaching are at odds with their natural inclinations and natural intuition, they change their natural state. One of the very important aspects of coaching, is to change your natural state of activities otherwise there is no point in coaching.
One key aspect of coaching, is to change from where you are today to where you want to be
I'm looking for that as well how aware is the person of their emotions and how able are they to manage their emotions and, gut feelings.
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Leaders shouldn't just use gut feelings to make decisions
As a Cognitive Neuroscientist and Behavioral Economist, you had enough data to write a book on disaster avoidance and that's also name of your company. Does your research indicate that most people who follow their, gut feelings, or, gut instinct, make the wrong decisions?
Yes, overwhelmingly people who just go with their, gut feelings, and make decisions by, gut reaction, as opposed to people who check with their heads before going with their, gut feelings, make the wrong decisions.
Let's look at small businesses. A lot of small business owners who don't have training go with their, gut feeling, and open up a business. They feel that they can do this job, I can do this work. I can run this restaurant or this hair salon or I can be a plumber. But when you look at the actual statistics, what happens to small businesses is about half of them fail within the first five years, about two-thirds of them fail within the first ten years; because people make decisions based on, gut feelings. They just go with their, gut instincts, they don't check with their head before going with their, gut feeling. Never just go with your, gut feelings.
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5 Questions to Ask Before Going with Your Gut Feelings
That business leader this who wants to open up a hair salon needs to learn about these, cognitive biases, the 30 most dangerous ones that she might be suffering from
The Confirmation Bias – where she might be looking for information from, gut feelings, that confirms her beliefs and ignoring information that do not confirm her beliefs.
Objective Adviser – Understanding the failure rate for hair salons. The failure rate for hair salons are a little bit higher than the failure rate for typical small businesses, so the first question to answer is why she would not fail. What makes her so special ? Never go with just, gut feelings.
Get uncomfortable – Look for information that is uncomfortable and that to prove to herself whether this is the right decision or not.
Check for the optimism bias. Business leaders who open up new restaurants, new salon or new small businesses tech startups tend to be very optimistic. They are too optimistic compared to the reality of the situation.
Exit strategy if Business fails – what are all the reasons why it would fail. Was it the wrong location? Management etc?
Additional Resources Never go with Your, Gut Feelings
Nothing in our world exists until we create it. We engage the, Law of Attraction, whenever we dream about something we want.
Everything is first created in the mind before you hold it in your hand. We engage the, laws of the Universe, when we hold desire in our hearts.
How to engage the, Law of Attraction
You can, have it all, anything you desire through visualization and meditation. The, Laws of the Universe, including the, law of attraction, are working for you. You only have to plant in the fertile field of your mind to ,have it all.
Your subconscious mind cannot hold any contradictory mandates. For example if you are using the, Law of Attraction, to manifest a red sports car, but you are thinking that you could never afford such a car, you are cancelling out, the Law of Attraction.
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If you have a belief that you will not be able to, have it all, then your beliefs will block these things from your experience. You will not, have it all. Your belief must be changed first in order to, have it all.
Nothing in our world exists until we create it. We engage the, Law of Attraction, one of the, laws of the Universe, whenever we dream about something we want.
Everything is first created in the mind before you hold it in your hand.
We must first observe or experience it for it to become a reality. Quantum physics, tells us that everything exists in wave form or infinite possibility it is only when we observe it, it becomes form. It does not become form until we observe it by giving it our conscious attention. It is our act of observation that gives everything form.
Consciousness creates our reality. The, Law of Attraction, is a tool we could use to design our life, to have it all.
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This energy is infinite. The brain functions 24 hours until we die, so the, law of Attraction, is always working. Both your conscious thoughts and subconscious thoughts activate, the Law of Attraction.
When the, conscious mind, and the, subconscious mind, are in conflict the subconscious mind always win. So most of the time we are activating the, law of attraction unconsciously.
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For example when an overweight person decides to go on a diet without changing subconscious programming they will continue to overeat and override conscious behaviors.
The conscious mind has a limited memory and most of it is short term.
The subconscious mind has infinite memory for all your experience for your entire life.
The subconscious mind can block out changes in your surroundings so you don't focus or see changes in your environment. Like driving down a street for months and not seeing a new complex or a new tree.
We have a shortage of attention and fail to notice what is going on around us including obvious changes in our surroundings.
Conscious attention is required to see requested changes from the, Law of Attraction.
Always use the, law of attraction, to focus on what is wanted and not what is unwanted. You can, have it all.
The mind focus on what we place our attention on whether negative or positive so the, law of attraction will bring you whatever you focus on.
All day every day we are placing our attention on something and engaging the, law of attraction.
Concentration on one thing and suppressing all others is the key to controlling your reality and using the, law of attraction, to, have it all.
Controlling your attention and focus is the way to control your reality.
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How to use the Law of Attraction to change your reality
Reevaluate what seems negative by focusing on the good experiences. This trains the mind only to see the positive, it teaches the subconscious to only focus on the positive and thus more positive things will be attracted into your lives through the, law of attraction.
Challenge yourself in your free time. When we go into low energy modes our brain reverts to old programming, so to prevent this schedule things to do that will move the needle to your required destination of, having it all.
Appreciate all the goodness that you see. We can search for happiness in our present situation. Teach the mind what we want from life. The conscious mind is the master and the subconscious mind the gene. When we train the conscious mind to focus on what we want, we can make any changes we want in our lives. What you focus on comes to you by the, law of attraction.
You can, have it all. Is it possible to have: a passionate marriage; a thriving career; a healthy beautiful body; more money than you ever dreamed possible, and enough “down” time to enjoy it – without running yourself ragged? Use the, law of attraction to, have it all.
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How do, Single Women over 40, find the love they want? How do they prepare themselves in the meantime while waiting on, Love. Where do they find, single men?
Single women, who are believing God for a partner, can enhance their in the meantime experience by having the right mindset on why they want a partner, what are the best watering holes to find a partner and how to renovate, Love's house, so that it is ready for Love.
Listen to the full interview here:
Finding Love Introduction
I think the best, dating advice, is that when, Love's House, is fully ready for, Love, the right partner will appear.
Dating advice, for, finding love again
Work on being the best you.
Become clear on your strengths and the areas that needs improvements
Eg. Are you a good housekeeper or a good cook; but you lack self-esteem and self-confidence? Then work on improving your self -confidence
Advice for single women, Be clear on why you want a partner
Do you want a partner for security or to help pay your bills?
Do you want a partner because it is culturally acceptable to be married or in a relationship?
Are you looking for a partner to complete you?
Or Are you looking for a soulmate and equal partner to share your life?
The last one was the perfect answer. Many, single women, and some, single men, are out there looking for a partner that contributes something to their lives; but never consider what they are bringing to the table. Why would someone choose you?
Where do you, single women over 40, meet, single men?
The reason that so many, single men, and, single women, are still single is because it is hard to meet people.
Here are the most popular Watering holes for the, single woman.
Church
Bars
Gym
Sports events
Networking events
House parties
Work
Most Christian, single women, would love to meet their spouse or partner in the church; but that is rare because most, single men, in church are using the church as their watering hole!
Bars are the most popular place for, single women under 40, to meet a man; but here is some, dating advice. Bars have become hookup places for casual sex with no commitment; but in every scenario there are exceptions to the rule and you can, find love, at a bar.
My daughter had the perfect combination, she met her Fiancé in a club; but he was also from her church!
I met my husband on a train. He was the officer who checked for tickets. The train is definitely not a watering hole; but soul mates will attract each other like a magnet in any place. Gas stations, parking lots, grocery stores, bus stop, anywhere!
I have met past boyfriends at a car wash, by friend introduction, Dance club, school, bus stop, train, and work and they were all committed relationships.
The newest place for, single women, to meet, single men, now are dating sites. The good thing about dating sites is that everyone on the site has the same goal, to meet a partner, or to start, dating, again.
As a realtor I love FSBO (For sale by owner) because they already want to sell their homes. I don't have to convince them to sell, only that I am the right agent to sell their homes. Same with the dating site. You don't have to convince anyone to have a committed relationship, only that you are the one they are looking for.
Dating sites are tough if you are, finding love after a heartbreak, because it would be hard to trust. They are great for, single women over 50, because these women are not in the clubs or other social events. They are home on their computers.
My co-host today is Arifah Yusuf, a registered social worker and mental health counselor.
Arifah from a mental health perspective what can, single women, do to make sure they are sending the right vibes to a potential mate? Let’s say they meet someone at one of the many watering holes?
It’s really challenging sometimes, when it comes to giving off the right vibes, as different people enter spaces with their own intentions and interest. It’s important for those that identify as women, to be mindful of their expectations and also have personal boundaries for themselves and others, so when engaging in conversations with, single men, they can better be aware of the right vibes vs negative vibes, from themselves and others interacting with. Some key tips, I would give are:
Before you try, finding love again, get to know yourself first and understand your past relationships (what worked/ didn’t work). This will help you get ready for a relationship, as you will be better able to recognize what you are looking for and if that relates to signs of a healthy relationship.
Some, dating advice, Go to spaces where you may find someone with similar interest like you, somewhere that you feel comfortable and exudes positive energy. Most likely, you will attract like minded, single men, that will give off similar positive energy.
Be assertive and clear when communicating. Engage in conversations to discover common interest, identify personal traits.
When, dating, be open to new experiences.
Know your boundaries and if you feel someone is not respecting them, have your exit and safety plan ready.
These are some of the, dating advice, I would tell my, single women, clients to keep in mind when thinking about meeting a, single man.
Where did you meet your husband?
Arifah says she met her husband Kevin Mortley while I was working in the entertainment industry as a promoter. He was also involved in the industry, promoting concerts for artist, and a graphic designer. He reached out to me online and we had a conversation over the phone.
How do, Single Women, prepare, Love's House?
Almost 20 years ago, I read a book by Iyanla Vanzant called” In the meantime, finding yourself and the love you want”
The concept of this book is prepare yourself and your life for love while waiting in, Love's House.
One of the first things I remembered she said was to,
Start by living your, single life, like you are already in a relationship.
You are making room for a partner. But the synopsis of the book is to look at your, single life, as a 3 story house, complete with a basement and an attic.
She calls this house, Love's House. Loving yourself in the meantime while you are waiting on, finding love again.
In the basement of, Love’s House, you are pretty miserable. You are hurting, lonely and disillusioned. Your emotions are blame, anger, and fear. But the basement is also a place for healing. For understanding yourself. If you don't fix yourself in the basement, you will carry that baggage and hurt into your next relationship.
Arifah how do you help, single women, heal from hurt and blame?
Finding love after heartbreak, first fdentify and validate the pain.
Express yourself –Talking to a trust friend, family member or counselor is often a good way to soothe painful emotions and support healing.
Self care – take a break and find time for things you enjoy or would like to try (creative activities, manicure, hairstyles, movies, journaling, baking etc.)
Learn from it – An attitude of learning will help you discover value in the experience. You may also discover a curious new freedom: recovering from an emotional trauma or heartbreak makes you stronger, wiser and more resilient.
Reinvest in your new reality. Set goals and write down the steps and supports you need to begin working on them. Spark new energy and interests into your life, to find purpose and love of something else.
On the first floor of , Love's House, you are no longer miserable and is able to look objectively at why you attract the people in your life that you do. Who are let’s say are emotionally unavailable, abusive, unsupportive etc.
On the second floor of, Love's House, single women, Love’s house is where you change the dialog from victim to player. You educate yourself to play. You read books on, finding love again, you listen to podcasts on relationships, you start improving yourself, you become the picture card that everyone man wants.
The most important, dating advice for, single women, on the second floor is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are enough and any man should be happy to have you. Say it until you believe it if you need convincing.
The third floor of, Love's House, is when, single women, are living the, single life, and loving who you are as a, single woman. Content with herself, whole, needing no man to complete her. She is confident, self-sufficient, courageous and beautiful inside and out.
The top floor is the Attic
In the attic, single women, showers themselves with unconditional Love. Single women over 40, are able to receive the love of, single men. This is where you will begin to attract the perfect partner because negativity, does not live here.
You know what you want and, who you seek is also seeking you!
Arifah What, dating advice, you have for, single women, through the phases of finding themselves in, love's house.
Make sense of your past
In order to thing about, finding love, first uncover who we are and why we act the way we do, we have to know our own story
Differentiate
Differentiation refers to the process of striving to develop a sense of ourselves as independent individuals. In order to find ourselves and fulfill our unique destinies, we must differentiate from destructive interpersonal, familial and societal influences that don’t serve us.
Seek meaning
In order to find ourselves and, finding love after a heartbreak, we must all seek out our own personal sense of purpose. This means separating our own point of view from other people’s expectations of us. It means asking ourselves what our values are, what truly matters to us, then following the principles we believe in.
Recognize your personal power when, finding love again
When we know what we want, we are challenged to take power over our lives. We are accepting ourselves as a powerful player in our own destiny. Harnessing our personal power is essential to both finding and becoming ourselves
Single women over 50, must silence their critical inner thoughts
This destructive thought process can be made up of a judgmental attitude that tells us we aren’t good enough to succeed or don’t deserve what we want or a soothing-seeming attitude that tells us we don’t have to try or that we need to be taken care of or controlled.
Know the value of friendship with, single men
We can seek out people who make us happy, who support what lights us up and who inspire us to feel passionate about our lives. Being friends while, dating, gives you the opportunity to learn things about the person that you may not have learned otherwise
Story of a, single woman, finding love after a heartbreak
In the last episode, I mentioned that I would love the listeners to join my Life coach group on Facebook. They could ask questions and have myself and other members give them, dating advise.
Here is a question from Mari. Her husband died last year and she wants, dating advice, on how to start over. What should she look for in a mate?
As a, life coach, I think that, single women, starting over or starting out, dating, again should have a list of what they want in a man.
It should go deeper than tall, dark and handsome!
You should have common interests,
be equally yoked,
have the same standard of living,
same religion,
similar sex drive.
The list could be lengthy and you are not going to get every thing on your list but you are shooting for 80%.
Arifah What's your, Dating Advice, for Mari
Hi Mari, its never easy after a significant loss, or, finding love after heartbreak. There is no starting over, as your husband will still play a role in your lifestory. Moving forward, you want to know what type of role that will be, maybe its pictures in a photo album or another memory keepsake. You need to figure this out, before you move forward, as sometimes we feel guilty, which is normal; but its apart of the grieving process, allow yourself to acknowledge that is what it is and determine what new reality are you hoping for in seeking a mate.
You can start with figuring out what you want, create a love resume for yourself in terms of what would characteristics, interests, you are looking for in that, single man. Once that's done, you are half way there to having a mindset and discovering possible spaces or friends your potential mate may visit.
This is a question from our last episode. We talked about fear and courage in our last episode.
How Do I handle the fear of, Dating, Steffy from India. Writes.
All I know is that I've a great fear. I've some kind of burden in my mind and I am not able to figure it out. I am a, single man, I wake up in the middle of night and I have these panic attacks and stuff, tried meditation; but I am not able to concentrate. I need advice on, dating. Finding love again. The more I try the more I lose my hopes and start feeling worthless. Please help.
Since this is a mental health question I will let Arifah answer this one.
Hi Steffy, thank you for sharing your lived experience with fear. It sounds like it is impacting your daily routine and ability to accomplish meaningful goals, such as, finding love. I want to say its common for people that are experiencing anxiety to lose hope, but you not worthless and help is available.
It may be helpful to monitor your daily routine and meals for the day, for example, stress/sugar and caffeine can increase anxiety. Make an appointment to see your family doctor or at a clinic if you are able too, to share how you are feeling emotionally and physically. Your doctor can provide professional advice to best help you.
In regards to fear of speaking to, single women, it’s helpful to practice writing down what you want to say, then reading it to yourself out loud or in front a mirror. If you have friends/family you feel comfortable around and that are supportive, you can also practice public speaking in front of them first to get comfortable before larger crowds.
Breathing exercises and drinking water/herbal teas can be helpful in calming the nerves. As well, watching videos or reading books from motivational speakers, that may offer tips you may find helpful.
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Sexy total health, is not about how you look on the outside but on the inside. When you become conscious of these secrets, you embody, total health care.
When you become conscious of nature, mental health, presence and spirituality you have, sexy total health.
In this episode of the Transform your Mind radio and podcast, Host Myrna Young, Life Coach, interviews UDO ERASMUS, founder of Udo’s Choice, author of the book Fats and Oils: The Complete Guide to Fats and Oils in Health and Nutrition and Total Sexy Health. Udo shares his 8 secrets to Sexy, Total Health.
Udo: I can remember the fear the anxiety I had as a child growing up during the second world war in Europe, Sometimes you will hear me say that I was born in hell; and with a lot of help from visible and invisible friends, walked a long crooked path from there to heaven. I became a good reader of adventure stories, to escape hell even in the mind.
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As I grew older, along the way, I tried out many things and learned a lot. Every trade and job, every movement or breath and every step led me to the next turn on the path to find new, different and out-of-the-box possibilities.
I discovered that just like you take time to go to the bathroom, or time for breakfast everyday, you should take time to create awareness. Go back inside to the core of your being, to the magnificence of your soul.
You are not your body, you are the owner of the of your body.
That is why I created, Sexy Total Health.
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My question to you is, how much time do you spend with the owner of your body to create, total health?
Myrna: Interestingly, I was listening to Dr Deepak Chopra on Facebook live this morning and he was teaching about communing with nature and negative ions from plants and trees. I started touching shrubs as I passed them in the park on my morning walk. I am seeking sexy, total health, myself.
Udo: After searching for purpose for several years, I took a job as a pesticide sprayer and ended up with pesticide poisoning. Trying to cure myself, I started studying oils and fats. Frying your foods in oil is associated with all kinds of problems including diabetes, inflammatory diseases like arthritis, and also with cardiovascular problems. So I developed a method for making them under protection from oxygen and heat. Oils are the most sensitive and therefore most easily damaged of the essential nutrients. Light, oxygen in the air, and high temperature damage them, and then they damage your body.
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Did you get enough of the omega-3 or Flaxseed oil in your diet? 99% of the population don't get enough omega-3 needed for, total health care,
Total health, is more than just using the right oils, actually everything affects your, total health. For example your politics affect your, total health. if there's something going on that isn't right with the heart or right with, total health care, then it stresses you out.
How active you are affect your sexy, total health, the water you drink affect your, total health, but we focus mostly on on the interaction with the world. Our kids, our employer, the religious system, or the educational system, or the political system. Our awareness does not go inside.
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Here are the 8 Secrets of Sexy Total Health
Digestion – EXCESS CARBOHYDRATES TURN OFF YOUR FAT BURNING GENES. Since excess carbohydrates (eating more of them than your body burns) can cause many health problems, it is only logical, practical and important that your body makes sure that you burn carbohydrates first.
Nutrition – Fats and oils come in two completely contradictory forms. There are fats/oils that heal, and there are fats/oils that kill. The truth is that to make good choices for better health, you have to know which is which, and then choose the fats/oils that heal. More physical health problems come from bad (damaged) oils than from any other part of nutrition. Knowing how to use oils is essential to sexy, total health.
Mental health – Becoming aware of being aware, you discover both the calm stillness that is awareness’ nature, and everything else that unfolds in that stillness. Real, true, personal peace and mental health has its roots in the core of your existence beyond your senses. With that awareness, you can solve the challenges and conflicts within you and surrounding you. Mental health is essential to, total health.
Presence – Presence underpins your essence and being. Your emptiness is not empty. It’s filled with your undiscovered magnificence and the precursor to sexy, total health. Don’t get stuck in the words. Words only point at essence; they are not essence. Let them float in the space of your being, and become aware of that space in you.
Consciousness – Consciousness is the field physicists call God. Consciousness is everywhere. It is omnipresent, in charge of everything going on in the entire universe.
Emotional awareness – Lack of awareness of your internal foundation begins your problems. Awareness of that internal foundation makes practical solutions to your problems available and accessible. Aware and focused in stillness, you find insights and knowledge. Stillness is the only known reliable practice for deepening insights. They are your best source of power, wisdom and manifestation. Live your life focused. Be focused in the present, which contains all that exists. Nothing is more powerful than the present moment.
Natural living – clean water, clean food, clean air and being in nature
Sleep – is Life Energy it inspires creativity and necessary for sexy, total health.
Download your FREE copy of Total Sexy Health Here:
Did you start your New Year’s resolutions yet? I bet there’s one missing that you should add right now: find a greater sense of purpose in your life. To do that effectively, you need to understand the eight key components of living with purpose.
The new book, The Meaning of Life: A guide to finding your life’s purpose by Nathanael Garrett Novosel, is a complete step-by-step walk-through of how humans derive meaning from their existence. This book helps you to identify what really matters to you in life, define a clear plan of going after what you want, and grow toward fulfilling your true calling.
Best of all, this book does not tell you how to live your life or which goals you should have. Instead, it helps you figure it out for yourself. ..That’s what you really want—someone in your corner helping you make sense of your life, not someone with their own agenda telling you what to do.
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My pastor taught a sermon on, brokenness, a few months back, and he made the analogy of a, broken, vase. He said that a, broken, or cracked vase cannot hold any content, everything leaks out. We must heal our, brokenness if we are going to hold love, self-esteem, self-worth, or confidence.
Certified Life coach, Myrna Young and registered social worker, Arifah Yusaf discuss, How to Heal your Brokenness,
The LORD is near to the, broken hearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
In this blog and podcast here are some of the mental health topics we will be discussing every week. We want to discuss real life issues and struggles of the, minority woman:
My pastor taught a sermon on, brokenness, a few months back, and he made the analogy of a, broken, vase. He said that a, broken, or cracked vase cannot hold any content, everything leaks out. That means that if you are, broken hearted,
you cannot hold love,
you cannot hold appreciation,
you cannot hold compliments,
you are incapable of receiving and holding anything.
So it is very important for us to find our cracks and mend them. As, minority women, most of us have experienced some, brokenness, in our lives.
Here are the top 3 reasons for, Brokenness:
Devalued and rejected by others
Abandoned by our parents
Feelings of not being good enough because we have lack.
How do we Heal, brokenness?
I know in our practice of social work and in psychology, a lot of clinical professionals, look at the research study around ACES which is our first childhood experiences.
That study basically states that childhood experiences before the age of 18, whether that be witnessing abuse or being abused themselves, living in poverty or just going through traumatic events; Those experiences impact their, brokenness, as they grow up into adulthood. It may impact how they maneuver through success or how they view themselves as failures.
These experience are also linked to risky health behaviors, chronic health conditions, low life potential and even early death.
Myrna Young, Life Coach, I agree that risky behaviors from, brokenness, usually means an absence of self-love and that can definitely lead to early death.
I am going to niche down in our conversation today to address women of color and, minority women, because that's who we are.
As women we can be, broken, both in our childhood and by narcissistic men in our adult lives, who have rejected us or devalued us.
Our, brokenness, becomes compared with the, broken hearted. Also when we experience, brokenness, as children those experiences can leads us to get into unhealthy relationships. Healing our, brokenness, prevents us from repeating this pattern of unhealthy relationships that would leave us, broken hearted.
It takes work to heal our cracks. The first step in coaching is to identify how you became, broken, and then replace your subconscious programming with a new program similar to writing over a CD disk.
Trust outside eyes. Have close trusted friends to tell you what they see. This can also be a, life coach, who can uncover your blind spots.
Allow love to mold you like the potter molds clay.
Pray and meditate on the fruits of the spirit, peace, joy, love
Here is a story on, How we become broken, and the process of healing.
Arifah – In my years of practice, I obviously had a lot of opportunities to engage young people who have expressed feeling, broken, based on their lived experiences or their adverse childhood experiences. As we talked about earlier in the segment, those experiences impact how they view themselves, how they show up in relationships, in their place within society or their environments.
I recall speaking with this young woman who shared witnessing domestic abuse at home. She actually found her mother's body when she came home from school one day. She was then placed into the foster care system. At 18 years old having nowhere to go, she was placed into a shelter. I remember her telling me that she really struggled with her identity and her self-esteem. She harbored resentment towards her family because nobody had come to claim her in Foster care which magnified her, brokenness.
In her late teens she became pregnant and wanted to connect with her family; because she was starting to feel isolated and she wanted her child to know more about her family history. But she faced rejection once more. She decided that it was all up to her, to make a difference in her child's life.
She then stared setting small goals for herself and accomplishing them. That started building her self-esteem until she recovered from her, brokenness. She became more engaged in her community and connected with other single mothers. She stopped blaming others or comparing herself to others and continued her healing process.
She decided to develop a plan with a network of positive healthy people. Eventually she stopped defining herself as, broken, because she realized that she really could make a difference in the life of her child. It was all up to her, no one else. Like the analogy of the broken vase, she couldn’t hold self-esteem, or self-worth, as a broken vessel, everything leaked out. When she became whole everything stayed in. That is, how to heal your brokenness,
My purpose in writing this book was to share with my readers the power of intention as the energy in my life. This book is my testimony on how I overcame my, brokenness.
All my life I have been called lucky; but there is no such thing as luck just positive energy and preparation.
As women we sometimes fail because we are always working; but not On their lives. We instead work in our lives. To succeed your commitment to your own personal growth must parallel your commitment to building remarkable lives for yourself and your children.
After you read my book and become inspired by my story of success after starting out with nothing and healing my, brokenness, I would like to Help you get off the starting block with the most unbelievable coaching offer ever made!
If you are interested in doing something remarkable with your life and escape the Snares of failure from, broken relationships, broken marriages, by moving your dreams from your head into your hands, then download your FREE book and purchase my coaching package.
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No fear, How do we say goodbye to Fear and live with courage?
What is fear? The first thing we must realize is that FEAR is False evidence appearing real.
Fear is an energy. Created totally in our minds. The energy of fear is powerful. It can change the quality of lives.
A few years back, I had a guest in my home. When it was time for her to leave, it was dark and she refused to walk out the front door because she was afraid of Frogs jumping on her foot. Now, I have never seen a Frog in my front yard and neither had she; but she must have had an experience of a Frog jumping on her foot and it had traumatized her. So now every time she walks in a yard at dark, she was afraid of Frogs. How can we live with, no fear?
Now this is an example of a trivial fear but ask yourself. Is fear affecting the quality of your life? What would life be like if you had, no fear?
The problem with fear is that it is the bottom feeder of all emotions, that means that if you have fear in your heart you can’t have:
The most common appearances of fear in the, African American Community, are:
Fear of poverty
Fear of criticism
Fear of ill health
Fear of loss of love
Fear of old age
Fear of death
Today Arifah and I are going to look at how Fear shows up in African American families and how it prevents us from living a life of purpose and abundance.
Here are the symptoms of the, Fear of poverty:
Willingness to tolerate poverty
Acceptance of whatever compensation that life offers without protest.
Mental and physical laziness
Lack of initiative
Lack of imagination
Indecision
The habit of permitting others to think for you
Sitting on the fence of indecision
Excuses for not taking initiative
Excuses for failures
Envy of those who are successful
Finding fault with others who are successful
My co-host is Arifah Yusuf, registered social worker, specializing in, mental health. She is the founder and program director of Lifted by Purpose.
Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services including training, workshops with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors.
Here are Arifah's experience in working with youth and dealing with, No Fear, Living with Courage
In my experience working with young people, majority of children and youth live with anxiety. The anxiety impacts their relationships to function in socially and or academically. As well, how they view themselves and their ability to complete tasks or take risks. Common signs of an anxiety disorder in youth I noticed are:
Constantly worrying about grades
Always trying to be perfect / Being afraid to make mistakes
Not sleeping well
Difficulty managing daily tasks and/or distress related to these tasks.
Anxious predictions – Worrying about something horrible happening (ie. Being embarrassed or humiliated)
Anxious thoughts “ I’m out of control, I can’t do this”
Avoiding friends or social situations and activities
Being afraid of speaking up and asking questions in class
Blanking out or freezing up in stressful situation
Safety behaviors (habits to minimize anxiety and feel “safer,” e.g., always travelling with a friend or have cell phone in their hand)
Excessive physical reactions relative to the context (e.g., heart racing and feeling short of breath in response to certain spaces or when they see certain individuals)
Anxiety is the most common disorder in Canada. 2.6% of Canadians aged 15 and older reported symptoms consistent with generalized anxiety disorder, an anxiety disorder characterized by a pattern of frequent, persistent worry and excessive anxiety about several events or activities.
According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada, “the 12 month prevalence for any anxiety disorder is over 12% and one in four Canadians (25%) will have at least one anxiety disorder in their lifetime”.
Seven Major types of Anxiety Disorders:
Agoraphobia,
generalized anxiety,
specific phobia,
panic disorder,
social anxiety
separation anxiety
selective Mutism.
(ie. Selective Mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child's inability to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings, such as school. These children are able to speak and communicate in settings where they are comfortable, secure, and relaxed)
Other Anxiety Disorders:
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders (obsessive-compulsive disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, hoarding disorder, trichotillomania, and excoriation disorder).
Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorders(reactive attachment disorder, dis-inhibited social engagement disorder, PTSD, acute stress disorder, and adjustment disorder).
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No Fear, means Living with Courage: How do we define courage?
Aristotle believed courage to be the most important quality in a man or woman. “Courage is the first of human virtues because it makes all others possible,”
To build a courageous character, with, no fear, the muscle of courage must be continually strengthened. Aristotle, the ancient philosopher who focused most on courage, said that we develop courage by performing courageous acts. Recent psychological research also suggests that courage is an ethical habit that we develop by repeatedly practicing acts of bravery.
Let me share a personal story with you, that helped me develop courage and have, no fear.
Years ago I was living in the United States as a temporary resident as a Canadian Citizen. I was married and my husband sponsored me and applied for me to become a permanent resident. Before my application was finalized, My brother was getting married in Toronto, Canada and I just upped and left the country for the weekend to attend my brothers wedding.
When I tried to return to the USA, a few days later, border patrol asked me for my Advance Parole documents. I told them I never applied for Advanced Parole. This is a document that gives you permission to leave the country while you have a pending application. The border patrol told me that I had voluntarily abandoned my application by leaving the country and that my husband had to apply again. He also told me I would have to stay in Canada for approximately 2 years while my new application was processed. To date that was one of my darkest days!
Then because he knew that as a Canadian Citizen, I could come back into the country at any time as a visitor, he added that if I tried to sneak back into the country as a visitor and I got caught, I would get a 10 year ban from entering the United states.
I returned back to Canada, and for a week I weighed all my options. I had a husband in the USA, my daughter was in school in the USA, I had a good job in the USA. I decided I had to take the risk of returning to the USA as a Canadian visitor.
So I strapped on some courage, and made myself have, no fear, rented a car and drove myself over the border alone because I did not want to implicate any of my family members.
I drove up to the border patrol with, no fear, and as calmly and as courageous as a dove, I told him that I was going to Buffalo to pick up my husband from the airport. He asked me if I had anything to declare, I said no and he and waved me through!
I would tell you that after that incident, I look fear in the face every time and do it anyway. That is how I started to build my courage muscle having, no fear.
Arifah, do you have a story to share of a time you had to look fear in the eye but do it anyway?
This is a good time to introduce a question I received on my Life coach group on Facebook. I would like for my listeners to join that group. It is a forum to ask questions regarding your current struggles and get answers from me and the group.
This is a question from Mari: How do I have, no fear, to stop bullying
I really need some advice, I have a lot on my plate right now. I lost the love of my life. In December and since I moved in with my dad and brother I have been picking up after them. Folding their clothes. And they make me out to be their maid. I have paid money to have the house clean and it gets messy by the second day. Now since I’ve moved here my brother has been bullying me. He calls me little girl. Saying I’ll never make it on my own. Saying he feels sorry for me. Calls me a retard. Saying I act like a 12 year old. Says I don’t clean up after myself when I have been picking up after them both. Saying I’m a bitch. Calls me dumb ass. The list goes on but I’m trying to get an apartment and I don’t wish nothing bad on him but If he will ever be homeless I’m not going to put up with this. I thought of suicide but hell no!!! I’m just tired of him bullying me.
Arifah, what advice would you give Mari?
As a Life Coach, here are my steps for having, no fear, and building courage.
Exercise and meditation both have the power to lower stress levels and reduce feelings of depression and anxiety, which could help you to act more courageously in the face of challenges.
This is a meditation practice I use every day to build my courage character. It is from the Tibethan Monk Dandipanni
Sit quietly and start witnessing your breathe
Be aware of the air as it enters your nostrils and follow it all the way down to your belly.
Hold your breathe for a few seconds and then breathe out, once again follow your breathe as it exits your nostrils.
Do this for 3 breaths
Now become aware of your feet on the ground. Focus your attention on your big toe on your left foot. Feel the energy in your left toe as it becomes warm. Now keep your attention on your left foot and feel the energy as it climbs through your feet, ankles, calf, knees, quads, hips. Move this energy into your spine and hold it there.
Repeat this with your right foot, left arm and then right arm.
Hold the energy that you directed from all your limbs into your spine and now think about a courageous act. I think of the courageous act I just shared with you. Your energy body is now infused with courage.
Now send this energy back to your right arm, left arm, right foot and left foot.
This is how you build your courageous body and have, no fear!
Are you Happy? Today Dr Ahia, Psychologist and I discuss, How to be Happy. Their is a mathematical formula for, happiness. H=S +C + V i.e. means Your happiness is based on your set point. What are the conditions that make you happy. Are you choosing to make the voluntary choices to make to be happy.
The, happiness formula, is a mathematical equation on, how to be happy.
What does it take to be happy?
To answer that question you have to understand your blueprint for, happiness.
Your blueprint is the story you have in your head about how life is supposed to be.
The most popular archetype is the blueprint that says you have to be successful to find, happiness.
Here is a Test to see your Capacity for, Happiness:
What is an area in your life that you feel happy about?
Then ask yourself, why are you happy with that area?
You could find, happiness, in your body, your marriage, your career, your friends, your finances, your kids, your relationship with God etc.
If your Life Conditions or LC match your blueprint for, happiness, you will find, happiness, in this area.
Let's pick an easy one to see, how to be happy, I am sure you know people who are happy with being overweight.
They find, happiness, with their body because their blueprint says, Big is Beautiful. They love being Big. You may also know someone who is a twig and they feel fat. You become unhappy with your body when you step on the scale and it is different than your blueprint for, happiness, with your weight or body.
While you are in this space you can also get clarity on why you are Unhappy with some areas of your life.
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The Happiness Formula, How to be Happy
Happiness, is defined as a feeling of contentment, that life is as it should be. Perfect, happiness, comes when you have all your needs met according to your blueprint of what life should be.
Here is the formula for, Happiness
H=S +C + V
Happiness is “H”
S – Set point or genetic capacity for happiness
C- Conditions or circumstances of living
V – Voluntary choices
Your Set point or core belief is both genetic and environmental. Do you see life as an opportunity or do you see life as a problem?
Your set point for, happiness, is determined in the first 3 years of life by parents or caretakers. Your neurons mirror your parents. If your parents were always criticizing each other or playing the victim; that's what you grow up to be. A critical person always seeing the glass as half empty instead of half full. You feel victimized by life. You blame the system for your lack of, happiness, in life. You feel you were born on the other side of the tracks.
On the other hand If your parents were happy, then you grew up thinking that life is a place for service and to look for the silver lining under every cloud. Never being the victim because victims have no power. Your set point on, how to be happy, if pretty high.
Your set point represents 50% of your, happiness, so if you have a negative set point, you are always fighting an uphill battle.
Fortunately, your set point for, happiness, can be changed through therapy?
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The second factor in the, Happiness Formula is your capacity for happiness or your Life Conditions “C”
C = Conditions of living – conditions of living represents 10 -12% of your, happiness. For example If you are extremely poor you can't be happy because your basic needs are not being met and your poverty becomes a source of stress.
There is a movie I saw years ago called the, Happiness, movie. It showcased people in India living in very poor conditions, earning something like $100 per year and they found, happiness.
How to be happy, they had love, they had family and since poverty is what they knew from birth, their blueprint for, happiness, was different than someone born into wealth.
Do you know poor people who are happy? I am sure you do.
When your Life conditions don't match your blueprint that is when you suffer. Stress, depression, substance abuse this is the doorway they enter from. Not always but most times.
The next leg on, How to be Happy, is “V”
V = Voluntary Choices. These are the choices you make every day =these choices represent 40% of your, happiness.
If your choices are all about personal pleasure then your, happiness, will be transient.
In the US the #1 choice for personal pleasure is shopping
#2 is alcohol and food
# 3 sex
When you make choices for personal pleasure your, happiness, lasts a few days or a few months at best. If you are trying to find, happiness, by acquiring things like cars, clothes, houses, jewelry. The, happiness, lasts a few weeks or at best 6 months then it is no longer a source of joy.
This is the same for alcohol, food, drugs, sex.
Lasting, Happiness, does not come from external sources.
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If you are suffering in your marriage, your relationships, or anything other than your health, you can change your blueprint and find, happiness. If you feel you have no control to change your Life conditions, that is when there is pain.
You can change your set point through meditation and expanding your consciousness.
If you don't like your conditions of living or your body, change it. It is in your control. If you don't want to change your conditions then you must change your blueprint.
When I first got married my husband and I fought constantly. We had different blueprints of what marriage was supposed to be. We are still together today because we both changed our blueprints. Most couples end up in divorce court because they refuse to change their blueprint of what it take to find, happiness, in a marriage or after a divorce.
Instead of making the choice of personal pleasure, spend your money or time on experiences like vacations, adventure, entertainment, being social with friends etc. Creating Good memories make you happy.
The fastest way to, happiness, is to give others attention, appreciation, acknowledgment, affection, or acceptance.
Before you make choices, ask yourself would this choice make me happy? Will it make others happy? You cannot find, happiness, making others unhappy.
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So What is, self- confidence? How do we define, self- confidence, and what does it look like?
Self-confidence, comes from building your confidence muscle. It increases with positive input from your parents, peers, loved ones and from your personal victories.
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In Today's #podcast Arifah and I are talking on the topic of How to build, Self-confidence, we want to shed some light on one of the top struggles of , African American women, self-confidence,
In the co-host chair today is registered, social worker and mental health counselor, Ms Arifah Yusuf.
What is Self-Confidence?
The most important thing to remember about, self- confidence, is that we were born with it. It is our natural state.
How many of you remember your play days as kids? As a child I was always the doctor or teacher.
Boys have no fear. They would climb to the tallest point in their home, put on a cape and jump! They were Superman!
So I would define, self- confidence, as certainty. Confident and certain that you are able to handle your job, your family, social events and personal relationships.
Self-confidence, comes from building your confidence muscle. It increases with positive input from your parents, peers, loved ones and from your personal victories.
But a large percentage of, African American women, and men suffer from a lack of, self-confidence, because of negative input from parents, peers, and loved ones.
Usually centered on their intellect, the color of their skin, their hair, their lips, their butt, the section of town they live, their lack of designer clothing, and the list goes on.
It is important to note that lack of, self-confidence, always comes from negative comments that you believe. If you don't let these negative comments in, they will never take root and grow.
Here is a story showcasing how a lack of, self-confidence, usually starts.
A surgeon opened his office one day and found a tall black man in the waiting room. He was six feet four inches tall and towered over the surgeon. He complained about his lip. You see his underlip protruded out from his top lip. His girlfriend told him she was ashamed to be seen in public with him because of his ugly lip; so he came to the surgeon to get it fixed.
The surgeon told him there was nothing wrong with his lip, it was just a minor protrusion. The black man insisted on getting it fixed; so the surgeon gave him an outrageous price of $1200 hoping he would go away.
He did, he said that he didn't have that kind of money. But lo and behold, he came back the next day with a little black bag in his hand. He dumped the contents on the table. Bills poured out, his life savings; $1200 worth!
The doctor was shocked. He didn't want to deprive the man of his life savings so he made him an offer. He agreed to do the surgery for a smaller fee on the condition that he tell his lady love that he paid $1200 for the surgery.
The operation was simple enough and one week later all the bandages came off and the man had a smaller lip he was proud of. All the surgery was done inside the lip so he had no visible scars except for a small scar inside the lip. The man was happy, he strode from the doctor’s office full of, self-confidence, A commanding figure. Tall, black and proud.
However a few weeks later he was back in the surgeon’s office. His body seemed to have shrunk, his hands lost their strength, his voice squeaked. The doctor asked him what happened to him.
He said “the African Bug, sir. It got me and it's killing me”
He told the doctor after he removed the bandages he went to see his lady love. She loved his lip and asked him how much he paid for the surgery. When he told her $1200, she became enraged and cursed him saying she could have used that $1200 and accused him of hiding the money from her. She cursed him and told him he would die.
Deeply troubled and hurt, the man laid in his bed for 4 days worrying about this curse that was going to kill him. Then running his tongue around, he discovered the horrible thing inside his mouth. He went to see a medical doctor who checked his mouth and confirmed that “the slimy African bug was stuck inside his mouth and it was indeed killing him.
The surgeon looked at this diminished and fearful man and asked him “Is it really in your mouth?”
“Yes sir,” the man said “the doctor tried to help get rid of it with liquids, pastes and potions – but nothing worked. The curse is too strong”. It’s burned inside my lip.
“Your lip?”
“Yes sir” the man said
“You didn't say lip before”
The doctor ran his finger at the back of the man's lip and told the disbelieving man that “the bug” was no more than scar tissue from his surgery.
The disbelieving man looked up in wonder and asked “then there is no African bug?”
The man stood up. Instantly he seemed to have regained his full height and strength. A rich smile spread over his face and his voice boomed out again. His, self-confidence, had returned.
The moral of this story is that you can’t get your, self-confidence, from other people. You have to take inventory of your strengths and weaknesses and deal with them on your own terms.
Let's bring Arifah into this, self-confidence, conversation. Arifah is a, registered social worker, specializing in, mental health issues. She is the founder and program director of Lifted by Purpose.
Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services including training, workshops with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors.
Arifah I am sure that a large population of your clients suffer from a lack of, self-confidence, Why do you think that is?
I think there are many reasons young people lack, self-confidence, I often work with young people who experienced unhappy childhoods or maybe their parents neglected them in some way or they weren't involved much in their lives.
Also I'd say lack of, self -confidence, sometimes comes from negative input from teachers or authority figures in their lives. Sometimes teachers have a way of saying things that discourage young people. Making them feel inadequate made and like they couldn't be successful. That kind of influenced how they feel about themselves and their, self-confidence, I'd also say young people who have experienced trauma or bullying from their peers can obviously influence their, self-confidence,
I believe that when young people don't value themselves and sometimes that comes from people not validating them, they often lack, self-confidence,
How to Build Your Self-Confidence through Courageous acts
As a, life coach, I believe that Courage is a byproduct of, self confidence,
It takes courage to walk up on stage and speak to an audience large or small.
It takes courage to call that guy you like and ask him out.
It takes courage to go into that interview even though you have no idea what you are going to say.
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So how do you make yourself, Face the Fear, but do it anyway?
Tell yourself that it is not going to kill you.
My grandmother used to say “What doesn't kill you makes you stronger”
And that's exactly what, Feeling the fear but doing it anyway does for you. It makes you stronger, it builds your, self-confidence, muscle because even if you bombed you got practice and practice also makes perfect!
Here are my steps to build your, self-confidence, muscle on public speaking or doing a presentation at work.
You can start by writing out your speech word for word and just read it
Then as you get more, self- confidence, and your brain recorded that you did not die, you weren't booed off the stage, nobody laughed at you.
So the next step is to write out the headlines and speak from the heart on your headlines
Sooner or later you will have, self- confidence, muscles like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Tony Robbins and command the attention of the audience.
Arifah What are your steps to building the, self-confidence, muscle?
I find that it wasn't only their, self-confidence muscle, that needed to be built up, it was their self-worth, it was a whole bunch of things there was all built into the one thing. If we were to put a label on it, it would be that we're not enough.
You would not believe how many people feel that they are not enough; even the most successful
people like, Michelle Obama, in her book “Becoming Michelle Obama” felt that she wasn't good enough. Why did she feel that way? Because she was black and from the south side of Chicago!
As, African American women, we have got a lot of things that we have to deal with, we just have to believe that we are all born with purpose and with the love of God.
I have seven steps that I use to help my clients gain, self-confidence:
Self-reflection – every time I meet with them, I allow them to self-reflect on their day self-reflect on things that were happening in their lives with gratitude.
Acknowledgement and self-acceptance – what makes them unique because everybody is unique.
Positive reinforcement – praising their effort and not obsessing over mistakes.
Mastering a skill – I had the girls work on a project. They created their own YouTube video. Everyone mastered a skill in the production of the video.
Communication skills – I do a lot of exercises around different forms of communication. Assertiveness, passive, passive aggressive etc.
Positive self-talk and affirmations – paying attention to their internal dialogue
Pay it forward – giving back helps build, self-confidence,
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Brain scans have revealed that when your mind wanders, it switches into “autopilot” mode, enabling you to carry on doing tasks quickly, accurately and without conscious thought. Our, autopilot, mode seems to be run by a set of brain structures called the default mode network or, autopilot brain.
Whenever you are on, autopilot, you are running, subconscious programs.
Have you ever gotten in your car and driven to your destination and you don’t recall how you got there. That is your, autopilot brain, driving you to your destination.
Your, Autopilot brain, is part of your, subconscious brain.
Daily Habits That Can Help You Stop your, Autopilot Brain
Wake Up Mindfully. Become conscious of your body, your breathe
When you brush your teeth and take a shower, become aware of what you are doing.
Take the Scenic Route. …When you stop at the traffic light, become aware of the other cars and notice your surroundings
Connect with Others. …When you get to work, actually listen to other and don’t tune them out.
Connect with Nature.. Take a walk and stop to smell the roses.
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Taking a shower, most people are not mindful in the shower
Driving your car
Eating a meal, are you conscious of chewing your food?
Scrolling on social media, your fingers have a mind of their own!
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How to take your brain off, Autopilot
Many contemporary psychologists have very different concepts of the, autopilot brain. Rather than see it as a seething cauldron of battling unseen forces, they conceptualize the, autopilot brain, or the, subconscious brain, as a set of cognitive processes for sifting through the welter of stimuli impinging upon our sense organs and preparing responses to them. It is the, autopilot brain, that allows us to recognize in an instant a familiar face, to play a musical instrument without thinking about the position of our fingers, and to ride a bicycle without thinking about how to maintain our balance. Many of our daily behaviors, involve, autopilot, processes that lie outside the range of ordinary awareness.
We operate on, autopilot, for 95% of our daily activities. To take your brain off, autopilot, you have to become aware of your breathe and your body sensations.
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Take risks to get past your, autopilot programs. Your, subconscious brain, always wants to play it safe.
Ask questions like, What else is possible that I have not considered?
Say things like, how cool is it that I have all this extra money.
What am I going to do with all this extra cash?
How can I make this a reality?
What if I become a successful as a TV talk show host?
What would that look like? See yourself in this role. This one is for me!!
This strategy is called auto inquisition.
Thomas Edison practiced auto inquisition. He would sit in a chair and ask his, subconscious brain, questions about an invention, you can do the same.
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The, fluid mindset, is not about being disoriented or lacking focus, but rather having the potent ability to prevail over multiple aspects and situations through shifting laser sharp focus!
The, fluid mindset, is different from the, fixed mindset, because having a, fixed mindset, does not allow for personal growth.
The, fluid mindset, has the power to liberate and bind at the same time! Liberate from the templated and structured thinking patters and ability to bind to vague, uncertain, untested and new ways of thinking and expressing oneself! It is when these new pathways are walked upon that magic gets created and we see them manifest in the usual ways of creative or innovative breakthroughs all around us!
What mindset are you working with? Do you have a, fluid mindset, or a, fixed mindset?
Is your mindset flexible?
Is your, mindset fluid?
Or do you have a, fixed mindset? Which could be good or bad depending on what it's fixed on.
When we talk about the, psyche, the, psyche, being your sense of, self-consciousness. Why do we need, renewing of your mind, in your sense of, self-consciousness? Because it's our sense of awareness, our sense of, self-worth. It also is our mental and emotional health, so if your, mind, is not flexible, you need work in your sense of awareness.
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The Flexible Mindset
Some people who are not self-aware or there's some people who suffer from, low self-esteem, or there's some people who are damaged mentally and emotionally. If you don’t have a, flexible mindset, which means pliable then you will resist God doing the eternal work in your, psyche, to, transform your mind. So, in order for, transformation, to occur you have to have a, flexible mindset.
There can be no, transformation, if you're unwilling to change.
Conversely a, fluid mindset, means that you are evolving, you are open to change. If you don’t have a, fluid mindset, you internalize and have what some call “stinking thinking.” You have a toxic, mindset, about yourself or about people. For instance oftentimes when people experience hurt in a relationship, they'll say I’ll never trust another man again or I’ll never trust another woman again.
So, if you don’t have a, fluid mindset, you're not willing to let that hurt go and embrace truth.
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The third, mindset, you mentioned was a, fixed mindset. Just like when we lay concrete, we have to do the work before the concrete sets, because once it sets it's fixed. So, we have to be careful what we let set in our minds. We have to do the work while the concrete is fluid and pliable.
A, fixed mindset, is like set concrete.
Renewing the mind, is like renovation of a house. You’ve got to rip out things, knock down walls or beliefs before you can put in the new things or new learnings.
When we're inviting God to, transform your mind, then we have to understand our, psyche, our, self-consciousness, and our heart. That's why, the mind, is so important because it is connected to all of these aspects of the human person and they're all interrelated yet distinct.
Myrna – Someone with a, fixed mindset, like concrete why did you say that God can use this person?
In the, Life coaching, world, when we talk about a, fixed mindset, we're saying that there’s no growth in this person. But if your, mind, is set like concrete, is it possible for it to be changed?
Pastor Glover – Well yes but again you must have awareness of your, fixed mindset. You can get at that concrete two different ways. Through, transformation, which speaks to internal work that has to be done. The word, transformation, comes from the Greek word metamorphosis and so that speaks of going through a, transformation, but it starts from the inside out.
The other word that's used is, renewing, which literally has to do with renovating. When concrete sets, the only way to change it is to get a jackhammer and that's very painful work. People oftentimes will not choose to do that work, because it is painful, noisy, and messy. But if you're going to lay a new foundation in your life, you must do the, mental, emotional and spiritual work to jackhammer a, fixed mindset.
Myrna – How can God use a jackhammer to change that, fixed mindset?
Pastor Glover – I think an example in the context of, relationships, particularly in the context of, marital relationships, a lot of work that has to be jackhammered in counseling sessions really has to do those, fixed mindsets, about marriage that have been set, but are toxic and are not healthy.
Couples have very different ideas about the foundation of a, marriage, and what it should be about. It is really about how men and women are socialized in our society. Young girls are socialized towards inter interdependent relationships. That's means they play together, they share much more readily than men do. They are invested in group success as they are reared and everybody kind of having a good time.
Boys are socialized totally different. They are taught to stand on your own two feet, be independent. Be a man, don't share your emotions. So, men are much less equipped than women in, marital relationships, to handle a, fixed mindset, that's why women are 10 times more verbal than men.
One of the fun exercises I like to do when I’m dealing with, communication, is I’ll ask the man and the woman to get a sheet of paper and have each one writes me all the feeling words they are aware of. The woman's list is four times longer than the man,
Marilyn Alauria is a gifted psychic medium, author and creator of the Soul Finder Academy. Our soul guides are here to help us to tap into the infinite wisdom of our soul. And they're also a direct reflection of our soul. We also have, spirit guides, in specific areas of life but we need to learn how to communicate with them. I have a, spirit guide, for love. I had a marketing guide for a while. I have a philosophy guide, these are all spirit guides.
Marilyn Alauria is a gifted psychic medium, teacher, and coach with an unmatched capacity to ignite deep, soul-level transformation for her clients around the world. As the creator of Soul Finder Academy, Membership for Your Soul and host of the podcast Who Can It Be Now, she offers a clear action plan for developing our talents, following our purpose, fulfilling our dreams, and living in alignment with your soul. Her online courses Live and Thrive with Your Psychic Gifts and Communicate with Your Soul Guides are popular courses on Sacred U
Connecting to your spirit guides
Myrna: When did you first learn you were a, psychic medium?
Marilyn: After the columbine murders, I woke up to find the kid who did the killing were at the end of my bed. And I thought that it was my imagination. I thought I was just traumatized by the event. I don't watch the news, but that particular day I was watching the news. I was living in Manhattan at the time and then a year later, 911 happened and I woke up and the pilots were at the end of my bed and they had blood dripping down their faces. It sounds crazy, but that is what I saw. And then from then it just accelerated.
I started getting locked in rooms. I started hearing my name called, I started seeing spirits all the time. I moved to LA soon after that because I didn't want to be in New York anymore. And I went to see a, psychic, and I told her what was happening to me. And she said the dead are trying to reach you, you need to see a, psychic medium. So, I picked a, medium, out of a magazine and I went to see her. As soon as she walked into the room and she said you are a, medium, without knowing anything about me.
After that the floodgates opened. I had to learn how to work with it. Because it really scared me. I do talk a lot about my experiences as a, psychic medium, on my podcast. Who can it be now.
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A Psychic Medium helps people connect to deceased family members
Myrna: There's a movie called “The Sixth Sense” and the kid says “I see dead people.” So, you see dead people, but our conversation today is about, soul guides. So how do we make the bridge from seeing dead people to having a, soul guide, because a, soul guide, is different from someone who's dead correct?
Marilyn: Yeah, it's definitely a different experience. Although you can have a deceased one as a, spirit guide, or a, soul guide. Through my process of working with this gift, I met different people and one of them was a therapist who knew how to work with, mediums. I was in her office one day and I felt something leaning on me, it was leaning on me for quite some time and I knew enough to trust the experience and I said to her, something's leaning on me. And she said, close your eyes and tell me what it is. And I closed my eyes and I just started channeling right away.
I had no idea what, spirit guides, were I didn't know really what, soul guides, were, I knew a little bit about angels since I come from the Catholicism. So, angels and saints were big for me. And so I went home and I started working with this one particular, spirit guide, and he started teaching me about all these other, spirit guides, and how to open up my gifts.
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What are Spirit Guides
Myrna: What is the purpose of a, spirit guide?
Marilyn: I have more than one or two, spirit guides, I have a bunch. I'm not gonna say how many because it's a very intimate connection for me. But you can also you can have, spirit guides, in specific areas like I have a, spirit guide, for love. I had a marketing guide for a while he was amazing, you know I have a philosophy guide, these are all, spirit guides.
So yeah, you can have a, spirit guide, for business as well and here's the beauty of it. You could admire somebody's business who's deceased. And you could say hey, I want to work with Coco Chanel. And you'll feel a full on yes with that. And Coco Chanel can come in and start helping you out or Steve Job, it doesn't matter. So, soul guides, can be anything and they can help us in all arenas. And then there's teachers, which is a little bit different. Teachers are experts in areas and they only come in for a short period of time to help you through a specific phase of your life.
Spirit guides, will go in and out too. But I think there are certain, spirit guides, that are with me, that will probably be with me till the end.
Myrna: So you have a lot, spirit guides, because you're a, medium, and you can communicate with them. That's probably why they're there. Most people don't know how to communicate with their, spirit guides. I went to a, psychic, maybe 20 years 30 years ago and she told me that I have two people sitting on my shoulder. I'm thinking maybe it's my grandma or someone else. So my question is, is your, spirit guide, a loved one?
Marilyn: So here's my answer to that. First of all you I do feel you have a female and a male, spirit guides, on your shoulders. I feel like there's definitely a grandmother ancestral energy with you. But I also feel like it goes deeper than that because there's a lineage of your breaking patterns and habits and you're bringing in incredible infinite wisdom to the masses. Like you are a voice of so many women behind you, who have always been a voice, but kind of like a whispering voice because they didn't have the platform to speak it out loud.
But you are now being you've given yourself permission. Your, spirit guides, are clapping and applauding you along to bring that message out to millions. And it's also about your heritage and your story. You being a face not only for, women of color, that's really important, but it's also women in general. And, spirit, says please do not deny the men that may resonate with your story as well as anybody who's felt like they were put down or trampled on before.
And then there is a man, spirit guide, behind you as well. I feel like there might be more to and this, I a picking up the, cathodic spiritual realm. It's like a, St. Anthony. It's like an energy like that. It's a very specific type of holy energy. I'm getting pain in my shoulders with you as well. But it's not a burden. It's not meant to feel like a burden for you. It's meant to feel like it's light. I feel like the people before you have maybe felt burdened by this and they want you to know that you are being lifted. This is an incredible way for you to bring this out into the world.
So with that said, I honestly believe that, guides, can be anything; they can be ascended masters, they can be angels, they can be Jesus. It's what resonates for you. People love, Archangel Michael, it could be, Archangel Michael, I love, Jesus, but, Jesus, isn't one of my, guides, but I still love, Jesus. You know, it could be a deceased loved one. It could be an angel being from another planet you've never met.
I'm actually starting to do, psychic readings, again for people because I stopped doing them for a long time because I wanted people to stop being dependent on my word. But I believe that these, soul guides, are here to help us to tap into the infinite wisdom of our, soul. And they're also a direct reflection of our, soul. We're helping them as much as they're helping us. So that's I'm gonna leave you with that answer. Have you written a book or are you writing a book because you're supposed to be writing a book?
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Myrna: I written 3 books. One of them is titled “Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement.” Boy, I'm connecting with you. I'm getting all these chills and goosebumps everywhere. Thank you for that confirmation. I live a charmed life and and I know that I'm receiving guidance from my, soul guides, someone was guiding me. So thank you for that. I love that. Yeah.
As a psychic medium, you help your clients connect with their, soul guides. How do you help them do that?
Marilyn: So I like to teach people how they see, hear, feel ,sense ,and know on their own. So they can develop those skills and then apply it to their life. It helps you to live a life aligned with your, soul. And that's what we're all here to do. And you said something really important. You said, you get instruction from your, spirit guide, in the mornings and sometimes in the evenings because the mind chatter is turned off.
So if you wake up with a song in your head, go look up the lyrics because that's your, soul guide, planting a song in your head. And when you read those lyrics, that's, clairaudience, clear hearing.
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Marilyn: I wrote the book because my, soul guides, really changed my life. I was suicidal. I was really depressed. I was really unhappy. And when I met my, guides, and I learned what I was capable of and how I was supposed to help people. I really understood why I was here. And that gave me, I don't like to say the word purpose because I feel like it always evolves our purpose, but it really gave me understanding.
So I hope that when people read it, they can have that peaceful connection or when things are really disruptive in their lives. They have a tool or a technique to connect to something larger than themselves so that they don't feel alone and they recognize that there is hope. Because I feel like that's what my, soul guides, gave me.
Myrna: That's great. Do you see your, spirit guides, or do you feel them?
Marilyn: So I see, hear, feel, sense, everybody can develop these skills. So yes, I see my spirit guides. I know where they stand. It's a big thing for me. You need to know where they stand so that when you're talking to them, you're there in different spots. For me I have different, guides, but if I'm speaking to my main guide who's in front of me, my whole inner awareness is directed at her and I teach people in the book how to do that with their breath.
I'm sure you've had that experience when you get a download and you're like, I know everything. I know what to do. I feel my, guides, and I sense things as well. So sensing them is not the same as feeling because I know them so well. I know their names. I know where they stand. I know what they're here for.
Myrna: You are a, psychic medium, let's talk about an ordinary person.
Marilyn: Well, in the book, there's exercises to help you see and feel your, spirit guides, I think to hear also.
Myrna: how can readers connect with you and get a copy of your book?
Marilyn: Go to my website. www.marilynalauria.com I'm on social media as well on Instagram and Facebook. So if you liked what you hear, let me know. Let me know what your takeaway was and I will communicate with you. Thank you so much. Thanks,
We are extensions of source energy also called God or the Universe. The, Law of Divine Oneness, says we are all one with the, Universe. You may have heard the statement. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. We are made up of a body, soul and spirit.
We came into this physical body with a purpose, and that is to grow and evolve. So we embarked on this game. We can call it the, game of life, or we can call it the matrix!
We are living in a, matrix! And just like the, matrix, there are rules in how you play the game.
The Rules of the Law of Divine Oneness
The rules are the, laws of the Universe. The first Law we will discuss is, The Law of Divine Oneness.
If you are a bible scholar you will recognize lots of parallels between the, laws of the Universe, and the teachings of, Jesus.
Jesus, came into his physical body with the awareness that he was a subset of God or God incarnate in the flesh. He understood, The Law of Divine Oneness.
We are also a subset of God, that is why man can command diseases to leave the body and perform the same miracles, Jesus, did in the earth. Jesus, most profound scripture tells us
“If we have the faith as small as a mustard seed, we can command the mountain to move into the sea.”
I bet you have never seen anyone do that in the natural, but in the, matrix, you can! In Higher consciousness you can. I have heard of monks elevating their bodies and travelling from one place to another.
The Law of Divine Oneness, means that we are all connected to one source. Everything we do effects the collective consciousness of the entire, universe.
That is why when we contribute to others and in some way make their lives better, it gives us the highest joy. The bible teaches that it is better to give than to receive and that is because when we give, when we share what we have, it makes us feel good.
That is also why the word, Namaste, is so powerful. It means I see the divine in you. Put another way is, I see God's light in you. We are all God's children.
We all originated from one energy, called the source. The Law of Divine Oneness, Everything in this Universe is made up of energy. The bed you sleep in, the TV you watch, the rocks in your garden, the car you drive and most importantly your thoughts. This energy is vibrating in circular patterns.
Visualize a Ferris wheel. You start off at the bottom and circle to the top and then you are back to where you started. You can get off or you can continue circling in a continuous loop. This is the same as energy. It is circling and whatever we send out is what we will get back.
Even though every object or thing is made up of energy, this energy is vibrating at different frequencies for each thing or object. Your positive thoughts for instance are vibrating at the highest frequency, while your negative thoughts are vibrating at a lower frequency. Just like light envelops darkness, your positive feelings and emotions can eat up your negativity and bad feelings. So always look for the higher vibrations of positive thoughts and feelings.
Now we can take this further. If you attach the energy of emotion to your thoughts, it multiplies your energy. This leads to a quicker harvest or manifestation. Think of it as a super charged Ferris wheel spinning faster and faster!
Your emotions are a good indicator of the frequency you are vibrating. Learn to pay attention to your feelings, they are indications of what you are manifesting either consciously or unconsciously.
Whenever you feel depression, anxiety or trepidation, it is telling you that you are going in the opposite direction to your destiny.
Everything that exists seen and unseen are connected to each other, inseparable from each other to a field of, divine oneness. Divine all knowing, the matrix, pure consciousness or universal mind energy, sometimes also known as Life Force or God. Everything is one.
Increasing awareness of this law will increase our awareness of God and awareness of being connected to everything. It is important for us as a human race to start realizing and understand this law. As we do, we will realize that what we think of each other should only for good. As we think of the good in others, they will in turn think of the good in you. It is essential that the thoughts, feeling and actions be for good, for we “reap what we sow”.
As you gain a fuller understanding of the laws, you will see how they are all related and overlap each other and govern the world we live in.
Everything consists of, and exists as energy. Your subatomic particles aren’t fixed, in fact, particles may be flowing into and out of you now from: this page, the sky, the floor, your best friend and your worst enemy. In other words, there is no separation. How would you behave if you really knew that you were not separate from life, your friends, colleagues and every being that has ever existed? The answer is this – probably differently.
Today we discussed the first Law of the Universe, The Law of Divine Oneness . Tune in next week when I will teach on the second, Law of the Universe, for success – The law of vibration!
Until next time, Namaste
We all have, generational trauma, and suppressing, trauma, and being oblivious and a lot of time, depending on when, trauma, occurs. It can affect how much we remember. Where is my mind? It follows me wherever I go. Buddhism, is about understanding how the, mind, works.
Melissa Moore PhD has dedicated her adult life to teaching the tenets of Buddhism and Contemplative Psychology, helping students better manage their emotions, explore the notion of intrinsic health, and understand their interconnected, non-dual nature.
Melissa's latest book,The Diamonds Within Us, brings modern context to ancient Tibetan Buddhist teachings. The lessons within this book aim to help readers discover how to better integrate their human experience to live more empowered lives. Melissa reveals how to befriend yourself as you are, and access the wisdom of emotions. She teaches how to embody deep listening skills, using resources when working with others, address long-standing fears and challenges in relationships, explore and sync with the invisible forces of life, and much more.
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Where is my mind: The Body and Mind are inseparable
Myrna: You said that your mind follows you wherever you go. Where is my mind?
Melissa: Wherever you find the body you find the mind, it is inseparable from the body. We can sense and store experiences in our bodies. That's part of our mind, our thinking mind is always thinking about the future or thinking about the past. We are never in the, present moment. Where is my mind,? It's never focused on what I am doing. And so wherever we go, there you are, and so you can't really ever get away from yourself. Right?
So, where is my mind? How do I befriend it? We're always trying to change ourselves, which is another form of aggression. When we're trying not to be who we are, we are not being kind to ourselves. Every one of us is actually pretty perfect as we are even when we have disabilities and problems. There's a jewel inside all of us, but we need the right conditions for that to shine.
Myrna: It that a part of, contemplative psychology? What is the definition of, contemplative psychology?
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What is Contemplative psychology
Melissa: Contemplative psychology, is, Buddhist psychology, in an engaged form. So Buddha, God, whenever you study, Buddhism, you're studying, Buddhist psychology, because, Buddhism, is the language of, psychology, right? Buddhism, is about understanding how the, mind, works. The, Buddhist, path and what makes it so appealing is it can be done very intellectually.
In, karuna, as in, contemplative psychology, we make it very experiential. We not only talk about the teachings of the five skandhas, which is how the, mind, creates itself, but we look at those aspects of, mind, how we engage them in our daily life. So we sort of study under the hood, how the, mind, operates, but we bring it personally down into what that means on a day to day basis. We do a lot of experiential exercises, and processes and methods that teach us about the non duality that you and I are not separate.
Myrna: All right. I like that. So if you're saying that the, mind, follows us wherever we go, and the, mind, is in the body, I'm assuming that your work is teaching people how to not have the, mind, follow them. Is that correct?
Melissa: It's not that you don't want your, mind, with you in your body. It's a question of what your, mind, is doing.
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Myrna: That's what I meant. Let's take for instance, right, you talk about women, or I think you said women, but let's say anyone that has a mental issue, and or maybe they have, trauma, from their past, and they're stuck in the past. Because their, mind, is following them in the, present moment. Their body has all kinds of disease and all kinds of pain. So when you go through the, karuna, program, are you are telling them how to release the, mind?
Melissa: Not to release it, much more how to utilize it. I teach how to utilize and work with your, mind, so that there's a certain amount of, mind training, that happens which has to do with learning how to synchronize your body, your breath or your speech because speech is not only what you know, from a, Buddhist, perspective, we say synchronize your body, speech and mind together, the, present moment.
And most of the time we're not doing that, right. We're doing one thing we're driving in the body. The, mind, is thinking about what we have to do or what we didn't do. Or we may be driving and we might be feeling bad because our kid got a bad grade or something. You know, we were constantly multitasking. We're splintered. But when we learn to synchronize our body, speech and mind in the, present moment, even just sometimes, then it is powerful.
It took me a very long time to learn how to do that because I did have a lot of, trauma, in my body. And it's only recently that I've been able to access some of that with some of the new therapies and things so this doesn't isn't an answer for all. We are addressing, trauma, because we're learning so much about, trauma, and how it abides in the body.
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Using Buddhism to welcome the present moment
But learning how to bring your, mind, to the, present moment, and experience what you're experiencing in the, present moment, is profoundly powerful. So usually we use our body to anchor ourselves in feeling. Sometimes we're thinking so wildly, we can't do anything except feel your body right now. How it feels, how it's sitting in the room.
Just bringing your breath into the present moment and then kind of scan your body puts you in touch with your feelings. Your, mind, is located somewhere in your body. You can use your body as an anchor to the, present moment, and bring yourself present. And then we teach how to work with those emotions because all emotions from our perspective, have wisdom.
But a lot of times we're managing them we go. I don't want to feel that so how are you doing? I'm fine. You know, we have real conditioned ways of working. Or another alternative is we can act on our, emotions. But really to meet the, emotion, we have to feel it in the body. We experience it fully and listen. And that's where the, contemplative psychology, part is.
You befriend us you actually befriended it as your teacher, and take it as in because, emotions, can be very difficult and painful. So there's a certain amount of training ourselves to abide in discomfort without acting out and without suppressing things. So that takes time.
We all have, generational trauma, and suppressing, trauma, and being oblivious and a lot of time, depending on when, trauma, occurs. It can affect how much we remember. A lot of my, trauma, was pre verbal, right? So took me a lot to be able to recover that. But what do I mean when I say your, mind, follows you? So I'm talking about our, habits of mind. And of course, trauma, informs our, habits of mind. Right?
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But meditation can be a problem for those who have a difficult time quieting their minds.
If traditional meditation hasn’t worked for you yet, visual meditation might be what you’re “looking” for.
Release and Align is a Visual Meditation created to provide the benefits of meditation without the frustration many experience as they try to meditate.
This visual meditation is an 8-minute video. It's a type of meditation you practice with your eyes open and it works whether you quiet your mind or not.
Release and Align combines layered graphs and precisely positioned color patterns.
It uses leading edge color techniques and is designed to help you experience the benefits of meditation within minutes.
First, images of red, orange, and yellow help you release resistance.
Next, mellow colors of soft yellow, green, and blue will help bring you to equilibrium in order to stop any negative momentum and help you feel a calm balance.
Finally, alignment takes place— this is accomplished through sky blue, indigo, and magenta. These luxurious colors send the message to your system that your normal state of being is a calm, happy, and abundant state.
Experience the benefits of meditation and alignment.
So the training isn't it about releasing it, because there is work to be done to release and discover, trauma, but our work has to do with understanding that there's some emotional content around it and that emotional content has wisdom. And it you know, for example, like anger, people don't want to feel angry, right? But anger has a real purpose. It's for one thing, it's how we set boundaries. How we know how to say no, when we need to say no. It's also how we can learn what we don't want in life and being very clear about you know, it sharpens the mind. Right? Or even jealousy, which is usually coming out of a comparative thing where we're comparing ourselves,
Myrna: I'm a Christian. And what I've heard about, Buddhism, is a from Buddha himself and, and his teachings about suffering and his teachings about, the mind. I also follow guru's like Sadhguru and Deepak Chopra. So, first of all, talk to us about, Buddhism. What is Buddhism? What are some of the foundational principles of, Buddhism, and then we want to talk about this, tantric Buddhism, because, to me, when I hear the word, tantric, I'm thinking sexual energy.
Melissa: Well, Buddhist, Buddhism, really wasn't from the, Buddha. Buddha, himself was not a, Buddhist. And it's a what I love about, Buddhism. I've had many people of other faiths in my trainings, because, Buddhism, is kind of a philosophy or an understanding of the, mind, and the development of the heart to be beneficial to others. And of course, all religions have their version of that.
But, Buddhism, offers a very distinct path of, meditation, where you learned, not everybody can meditate. I've recently I'm really reevaluating because, Buddhism, like everything else has been colonized in America and whitewashed. So I want an individualized tool teaching us about learning how, meditation, is the tool to teach us how to synchronize our body, our speech and our breath, that which exchanges with the world in our, mind, in the, present moment, and that is how we evoke sanity.
So many people come to my trainings and I'm very specific, that I'm not offering a spiritual path. I'm condensing down the teachings of the, Buddha, and a very ancient recipe of how to develop a potent heart, a compassionate heart. That's an essential recipe into western psychological process. And then also how to bring that presence to others. Like as a listening presence or as a compassionate friend. And so these kinds of trainings, don't have anything to do with, Buddhism, except that we draw on the wisdom of, Buddhism, but one doesn't need to be a, Buddhist.
Okay, wants to get into, tantric Buddhism. So it was initiated by a very wild character named Padma Sun bhava, who went to Tibet. And he's brought, Buddhism, to Tibet in the eighth century, and he was bringing, Tantra, which is basically, tantric. Tantra, teachings come from Hinduism, and the Vedic tradition came before them it kind of married with, Buddhism, right? All these traditions marry. But, Buddhism, a, tantric Buddhism simply means using anything in the world to wake up, including things that you wouldn't consider spiritual.
Sexuality is kind of where it's been taken, especially in North America in the hippie days, everybody was doing, Tantra. One should be very careful if someone says I'm going to teach you, tantric Buddhism. Wrong because it's a very specific lineage that needs to be built on the foundation of all the other, Buddhism, the classical, Buddhism, of no harm.
So I think we have to be careful with this word, tantric Buddhism. It just simply means using anything to wake up like one's habits or addictions or that you can wake up and become a kind and compassionate person. So it's about a path of transmutation.
Book: The Diamonds With Us
Book The Diamond Within Us
Myrna: Okay, so that's awesome. All right. So you wrote your book and you call it “The Diamond Within US” or conversation has been about understanding your your mind body, and, and looking inside you mentioned that we have we're all gems, right. So tell us about what do you mean by the, diamond within us? Also why you wrote the book and what do you want people to walk away with after reading the book?
Melissa: Well, we have a practice in, Karuna, training called shining the dual, which is where we bear witness to others skills and holding others in compassionate exchange. First we learn how to see everyone as having strengths, real strengths, genuine strengths, authentic strengths, and how to call those out. They may not be your strengths and they wouldn't be how you would do it, but how do you see through the eyes of people what they bring which is different than you? Right?
And we practice that in, karuna, it takes a kind of intensity and intensification the same way diamonds take a lot of intensification and are formed in the muck and slime. Just like lotuses the classic tradition is lotuses grow in the muck and slime but they're pure and white on the outside. It's the same principle that we had, and I really do truly believe because I have worked with all walks of life and and even people suffering with very chronic mental conditions such as schizophrenia and some of these very difficult mental states.
So, the book is really an offering of the teaching that I've done. It doesn't follow the curriculum of, karuna, but it's also used as a kind of textbook in, karuna, training. But it's also just an offering because a lot of people don't know what, contemplative psychology, is. I hope they will because I feel like what I'm teaching should be taught in kindergarten, honestly, I feel it is the operating system of our body speech and mind and we don't know how to use it.
Myrna: What do you want them to walk away with after reading?
Melissa: Well, I hope that my book instills the importance of loving kindness, that it can be cultivated towards ourselves and towards others, that making friends with our strengths exactly as we are with all of our warts and our problems.
Myrna: Well that's good, that's another way of saying, self love, people might think, why do we need to teach, self love, but you're right. A lot of people don't love themselves, they look in the mirror, and they don't like what they see. Tell us about your website. I'm assuming that you offer the, Karuna, classes on your website or courses, right?
Melissa: Well, we don't offer courses through the website www.karunatraining.com that we advertise and if they come to our website or in a training, you can sign up for our mailing list and then you'll get our newsletters. I am about to launch information about a new cohort because we do our bigger trainings or certificates in cohorts. so we'll probably start in the spring, I'm just getting ready to publish that and putting it all together. And then we have other courses every month. We have a, Karuna, live where people can come on live time and we do a little, meditation. There's usually a topic and a talk that goes along with our newsletter, and then we do an experiential exercise so people can get a taste of the work.
Spiritual psychology, is a lens that we look through that teaches us everything that's happening in our life, is happening for us. That all of our challenges are beautifully designed opportunities, or I should say beautifully disguised opportunities giving us the steppingstones, we need to grow and evolve and transform. It is a, personal transformation, tool that helps us into our next level of protection to really fulfill our intelligence, which is the fullest realized expression of who we come here to be in this life.
Donna: Spiritual psychology, is really a technology that was innovated and pioneered by doctors Ron and Mary Holman at the University of Santa Monica. Spiritual psychology, is a lens that we look through that teaches us everything that's happening in our life is happening for us. That all of our challenges are beautifully designed opportunities, or I should say beautifully disguised opportunities. Giving us the steppingstones, we need to grow and evolve and transform into our next level of protection to really fulfill our intelligence, which is the fullest realized expression of who we come here to be in this life.
And that's what it is. It's a perspective, right? It is a way to see the world and when we start seeing the world as if everything that's happening is really this beautifully designed opportunity for us to grow and learn and change and evolve. And we start seeing the world from an empowered place, rather than seeing the world from a place of feeling victimized by life circumstances and life's happenstance of life's craziness.
Myrna: That is actually quite good. And I would get as you're talking, I'm imagining myself in a coaching session, and you're talking to someone, and they are saying Oh, my life has been very bad, and all these different things happened to me. And then you can turn that around and say, you know what, what did this teach you? What do you think that this revealed to you? What strengths did you bring out of that? That is a, spiritual psychology, session.
I am actually loving it. Now you guys are calling it a different name. But the Bible teaches that everything happens for your good. Actually, it's one of the scripture verses that I that I adhere to, and it's one of my foundation scriptures is that yes, everything happens for your good. So now that I've opened that door, so how do you use, spiritual psychology, as a, transformation tool, in your coaching sessions?
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Heart centered listening is one of the principles of spiritual psychology
Donna: Well, there are 33 principles and practices of, spiritual psychology. And so, I use each of these principles and practices to support the client in doing their life from a different place. And you know, two of our foundational skills the University of Santa Monica has entitled the skill, heart centered listening, and I call it, heart centered listening. The original name for seeing the loving essence I have renamed to big acknowledgement. A big acknowledgement is the recognition that you and I are, spiritual beings, on this epic human adventure. And when I recognize you also as a, spiritual being, having this public human adventure, then there's something about that that makes us the same.
And when we begin to recognize that for every single person on the planet, then we can really recognize that we really are all one and we're all in this together. We're all facing the same challenges and the same trials and the same opportunities. You know, we all are in club human together, having this human experience.
Heart centered listening, is really about it's about what you do all day in your in your job Myrna with these podcasts that you do and like deeply listening to another person giving them the space to share from a center heart opened place where they are free to explore their own consciousness. And download from the infinite universe kind of trickle into the conversation. And when we invite that, infinite intelligence, into the conversation, who knows what's going to happen? That is why we call it, spiritual psychology.
Myrna: I love it. Yes, yes. You're talking my language girl. Yeah, I you know, we are all love. I love Deepak Chopra. And you know, Deepak Chopra always says that we are all, spiritual beings, having a, human experience, manifesting through a, central nervous system. So, each one of us is manifesting, through our individual, human nervous system. But eventually we're all we're all connected.
One of the one of the things that he says, and I was even meditating on this morning, is that we're all like a wave in the ocean. We're all part of the ocean and each one of us is a wave. And so, what you are saying is beautiful. And you are correct when you recognize that we're all one, and we're all spirit and we're all connected, that changes your perception on your struggles. Is that what you are calling, spiritual psychology?
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Spiritual psychology is the gateway to acceptance of our humaneness
Donna: Well, yes, it's one way that you can go with it. And, you know, the longer I'm on this spiritual path, the more I realized it's really about loving my humaneness. And I think a big gateway to, transformation, and how I work with my clients is really inviting them into a deeper level of reverence for their, human experience, a deeper level of acceptance for the human. A deeper level of acceptance for ourselves, you know, for how we fall short of our own aspirations in life, and how we relate to ourselves, when we're going through something difficult.
That's really where we have an opportunity to have a different experience in our life. I love what you were sharing about Deepak Chopra. And one of the things that the way that I like to say it is we are all unique, individualized expressions of, the Divine. And no two of us are the same, right? Every single one of us is this gorgeous depiction of, the Divine. And how magnificent is that? And it's quite a miracle.
And it's quite miraculous, but we overlook it on a regular basis. And so, I helped people slow down and tune in so that they can begin to recognize their power, the real power, the power that comes from inside of us, not the power that we think that we get from our job or for money or from a status position or anything like that. Helping people to recognize that they have this inherent power within them. And that power is a source of our aliveness. That is that power is the source of our expression out in the world as a drop in, the Divine.
Myrna: Very true. It's actually very powerful. Very powerful, because, you know, one of the reasons that I concentrate so heavily on the, mind, is because that's where it starts. It's how you think is your thoughts is your thought process. And, yeah, once you recognize that, that you're limitless, that you're powerful, that you actually shape your destiny and that is all part of, spiritual psychology.
It doesn't just happen, you're shaping it by your thoughts and if you feel empowered, or if you feel a victim, you know, that's basically my story as well. Yeah, you got to realize, you have power and instead of being stuck, you have the power to change your life, if it's going in one direction, just like you did. You figure that yeah; I am just on a treadmill. And what did you do? You did something about it, right? You didn't stay there and wait until you're 65 and then say, you know, my life has been terrible.
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Reclaiming our authentic power
Now, one of the other things that we were talking about is how can we use consciousness to reclaim our, authentic power.
Donna: We have to become present, be in the, present moment, Myrna? We're all so caught up in the future with the two dues right? We got to go here. We got to do this. We got to do that. And our mind, you know, our attention and our energy go into the future. Or we're stuck in the past, right? We're obsessing about I should have said this, or I should have done that. And we're caught up in yesterday and what really is over that we can't even change. But when we can be here in this, present moment, right now, and place our energy and our intention on person, the situation whatever is right in front of us. Then we are tapping into our, consciousness, in the highest way that we can at the time.
Myrna: Right. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yes, because yes, consciousness, is definitely being present and nothing happens outside of the, present moment. A lot of people are always in the past or the future. But change only happens in the, present moment. So, that's pretty good. All right. Now one of the things that you do in your in your work, is you talk about the, power of the I AM. So, talk to us about how you help your clients to using, I AM, to pivot for to help with their, transformation.
Donna: Thank you so much for asking this question. I see this as one of the most powerful tools that we all have in our toolbox. And it's the two little, teeny tiny words, I AM, because when we say those words, we are making a declaration. We are making a proclamation to the universe. And so, I invite your listeners to just pay attention. What comes attached to these two little words in your life? Are you walking around saying, I am, tired? I am, exhausted. I am, sick. I AM, whatever. Because the back story that we're telling, then those are the results that we are creating.
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And so, I see this as literally like using a magic wand. We are instantaneously reaffirming what we do want to experience, what we do want to occur. So, we can put our attention, our focus on that immediately and begin to say things like,
I AM, doing the best that I can in the moment.
I am, moving towards radiant health and wellbeing.
I am, vitality.
I am perfect, just the way God made me.
I am, accepting all of myself, no matter what society says about you.
So, it's really a powerful way to change our current reality. And I talk extensively about this. I have a whole chapter called, I AM, or it's called the responsibility of, I am, in my book “Original Wisdom: Harnessing the Power of the Authentic You.”
My book really talks about my journey and how I left the corporate arena, and Myrna it wasn't a straight path. I gotta tell you, it wasn't hiding guidance. I didn’t wake up one morning and said, I'm going to be a coach. It didn't happen like that. And as a matter of fact, if you could have told me that I was going to be in these sacred, intimate, loving, connected one on one conversations with people I would have said oh, hell no, that's never gonna happen. Because the time that my journey began, the, mindset, that I had, was completely different than the, mindset, that I have now.
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Myrna: I know, we're in the, personal improvement, and, personal development, space, and we grow along with people that we teach. I am listening and learning something every single day so we're growing in that space. And for me, because I get to speak to excellent guests like yourself, I'm learning, It’s like a school for me. I'm learning from all my guests. And yeah, your, mindset, keeps shifting.
But I want to touch back on that, I am, statement because one of the things that I love saying is, I am the universe, and that's basically what you were talking about. Earlier, when you said that we are, spiritual beings, right. And we're part of the Infinite is the fact that, I'm the universe, right? The universe is inside of me. So now you coach, and you have your master's degree. So why did you write the book and what is it that you want the readers to walk away with, after they put it down?
Donna: The truth is, I was really creating a workshop. I was putting together teaching points. And as I was going through these teaching points, I thought to myself, oh, I have a story for that. You know, I really want to illustrate that in a more visual way, in a way that people can remember or walk away with. And so, as I started compiling all of my stories, I kind of took a step back and I was like, that's my story. It's like my whole story. And after a little bit of rearranging, I unfolded, really this path and I don't tell the story in a chronological way, because of the way in which, I AM, pulled each of the concepts.
Original Wisdom: Harness the power of the authentic you
I deliver a dovetail experience to it so that each of them builds on their previous one. And really, what I want people to walk away with is a sense of that, authentic empowerment, a sense that they are so much more, we are so much more than what we have been taught. And original wisdom is an inherent intelligence in all beings, that is rooted in unconditional love.
And when I think about, our spirit or soul, the energy of that is unconditional love. So, the intention of my book is to help people remember what their needs are. They are made of love. And we just have stuff that stands in the way of that. And that's really what I help my clients do is remove those blocks, so that they can remember the truth of who they are.
Myrna: I love it. Where can we get a copy of your book and tell us about your website and tell us you know, you're a coach and you do offer personal transformation coaching. So, tell us tell our listeners how they can get in touch with you.
Donna: All of the information can be found on www.Donnabond.com. And my book, of course, is on Amazon and all of the major book retailers out there “Original Wisdom: Harness the Power of the Authentic You.” And periodically I have a masterclass that I offer called empower the authentic you where I teach live, the concepts that I offer in original wisdom.
