Category Archives: healthy relationships

Exploring The Factors Behind The Increasing Divorce Rate

The divorce rate of women divorcing men is increasing. The dynamic between genders in relationships has been a topic of conversation for decades, but a newer trend seems to be emerging, one that tilts the scales towards dissatisfaction and divorce. As roles within society and the household shift, women are increasingly questioning why they should stay in marriages that no longer serve them or align with their evolved status and responsibilities.


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Key Takeaways:

  • Women are initiating divorce more often due to persistent, gender imbalances, both financially and domestically thereby increasing the, divorce rate.
  • Effective communication and attentiveness are critical in preventing the gradual deterioration of relationships.
  • Understanding and aligning core values, along with continuous self-discovery, are crucial for parallel growth and fulfillment in marital partnerships.
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Gender Imbalance and Its Influence on the Divorce Rate

In recent years, women have climbed the ranks to become CEOs, entrepreneurs, and primary breadwinners, but this rise in professional stature has not been matched by a corresponding shift in domestic responsibilities. Despite their career demands, they often come home to unchanged expectations—house chores, childcare, and an array of additional tasks—while their partners remain disengaged.

“The growing trend… women are making the lion's share of the income… working as hard or harder outside the home… and yet they're still carrying all the burden inside the house.” — Dennis

This pervasive imbalance is increasingly leading women to question the equity in their marriages and, ultimately, to seek divorce when the division of labor remains static and uncommunicative. The dissatisfaction accumulates over time, not only reducing the perceived value of their contributions but also undermining the fundamental respect and partnership expected in marriage.

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The Importance of Emotional Support and Companionship

Relationships are anchored by emotional exchange and mutual support, something that should resound clearly in the everyday interactions between spouses. Men are encouraged to become more aware and active participants in their partner's emotional worlds, offering assistance and appreciation for the daily efforts that often go unnoticed. Men have the ability to affect the, divorce rate, by just asking how can I help.

“Being in tune with your partner to be able to judge these emotions… caring enough to then ask, ‘Can I help?'” — Dennis

When men take proactive steps to contribute meaningfully to the partnership, whether through household responsibilities or emotional support, they create a more balanced and satisfying relationship for both parties. Such actions affirm that the partnership is a priority and that both individuals are committed to its health and longevity.

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Aligning Values affect the Divorce Rate

Another significant aspect of modern relationships and the, divorce rate, is the alignment of core values and beliefs. A strong relationship bears the capacity for evolution and growth; however, divergent fundamental views and a lack of self-reflective growth often lead to discord. Couples must consistently reacquaint themselves with each other, fostering an environment that acknowledges and supports each person's journey and changes.

“Keep rediscovering your partner, keep rediscovering yourself… you're not going to have the same relationship at 45 as you had at 25… but it can be just as fulfilling.” — Dennis

The crux lies in staying connected emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually, through intentional conversations and shared experiences. It underscores the idea that success within the marriage is less about static achievements and more about nurturing an ever-evolving bond that cherishes both individual growth and collective goals.


As the conversation recapped here reveals, the modern woman is reassessing her relationship expectations, which now extend beyond financial provision to include emotional support, equitable division of tasks, and shared growth opportunities. While economic tensions and philosophical differences have always been sources of marital strain, it is the lack of responsiveness to evolving gender roles that's demanding women's attention and action. If relationships are to thrive, it's clear that husbands need to demonstrate a commitment not just to the marriage institution, but to the evolving partnership that modern marriage has become. This in turn will positively affect the, divorce rates.

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Conclusion

Men, take note: cultivating a mutually fulfilling relationship doesn't only rest on grand romantic gestures or financial security. It's built on the everyday attentiveness, gratitude, and willingness to grow alongside your partner—acting as the co-pilot rather than a passenger in the marital journey.

Connect with Dennis on the web @ https://www.drvetranolaw.com/

On Instagram @ https://www.instagram.com/drvlaw/

Additional Resources

Surviving Divorce: The Ultimate Roadmap to Rebuilding Your Life

How to Find your Soul Mate or Twin Flame

Looking for your soul mate?  What about your, twin flame, who is your mirror soul? Science says some thing magical happens at first meeting. Science says that when you meet your  Life partner, some thing magical happens. In this blog we look at what happens when two souls with constructive energies meet?

Listen to the full interview here:

In our last episode my co-host and I looked at what, single women, need to do to get their house ready for love, where to look for love and what to look for when you are starting over after divorce or death of a partner.

If you missed that episode you can download it here: https://myhelps.us/how-single-women-find-love/ or on iTunes ,iHeart radio or wherever you get your podcasts. 

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Today's episode of the Transform your Mind Radio Hour is sponsored by  Columbus Financial Coach.  Are you in a deep hole of “Financial Depression” with nowhere to turn for help? Constantly being harassed by collection agencies? Then visit Columbus Financial and success coach. www.columbusfinancialcoach.com

Introduction

 How to, Find your Twin Flame,  the Science of Attraction

In the last Blog post, I shared how I met my husband on a train. I am going to use this personal story to illustrate what happens when two strangers or, souls, meet for the first time.

As you may remember from Chemistry class, every atom and molecule gives out and absorbs light. The human body is made up of 50 trillion cells composed of atoms and molecules. So we are massive bundles of energy giving off and absorbing light or energy all the time.

When two energies come together they become entangled, the first step to, find your soul mate, is constructive energy.

When two energies are in harmony, the result is called, constructive energy, because it increases in size.  That is why you should grow as a person when you are in the right relationship.

We call this, “good vibes” very important when you are hoping to, find your soul mate. 

How Chemistry plays in finding your Soul Mate

So let's look at what happened when I met my husband and our energies became constructive!

I walked onto a train and he was standing by the door. I looked fine, mini skirt, sunglasses, designer bag over my shoulder,  so I caught his attention. He caught my attention because he was the first black officer I had seen on the train.

On be known to me my second Chakra or energy center in charge of communication sent him a signal because he tells me he felt this warm feeling in his body. He had never felt that before. Let me put a pin here and explain.

Our bodies are made up of seven energy centers, called Chakras. Each of these energy centers are responsible for certain functions.  I know that my second Chakra located below my navel is my communication center and it is responsible for engaging a mate by sending out signals when it finds a compatible energy so you can, find your soul mate.

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Soul mate vs Twin flame

My husband could also be my, twin flame.  After 14 years of marriage, I do believe we are mirror souls. What Is A Twin Flame? Sometimes discussed in terms of a “mirror soul” or, soul connection, a, twin flame, is the other half of your, soul. It is theorized that a, soul, can split into two after ascending to a high frequency. Thereafter, the, soul, lands in two different bodies.

I must have also received something from my husband's energy center as well because my thoughts lingered on him. I was curious. That was all that it was for me at that time. Curiosity. I was not actively looking to, find a  soul mate.

But I have heard men say that the first time they saw their wife they knew that she was the one. There is such  a thing as love at first sight! Have you heard Steve Harvey tell his story of when he met his wife and, how he found his, soul mate?.  I don't think he was actively trying to, find your soul mate. But there she was. He was doing stand up comedy and she walked in late with her girlfriends, and he couldn’t stop staring at her.  In fact he couldn’t even continue his act.  He told her right then that she was going to be his wife! Believe in compatible energy, it is real.

Anyway, back to my story. Because our energies entangled and we both got, good vibes, we looked to further the communication.

The Twin Flame Connection is Immediate

Another pin. That is why we shouldn't chase men.  if you guys have, constructive energy, or, good vibes, they will reach out. We are hard wired to mate. It is all happening without our conscious thought. Your soul is looking for it's, twin flame.

So my husband searched for me on the train every day until he found me. I noticed him sit behind me for a few mins while he got up the nerve to come talk to me. We talked for about 30 mins until I got off the train at my stop. I will confess that I was not impressed by the conversation. He cursed like a sailor. I think that men who curse in front of women have no respect; but when I got off the train my energy body told me that it had made a, soul connection.

I had this incredible feeling of euphoria!  My stomach was doing somersaults. I knew right then that we would have a relationship. I knew right then that I had found my, soul mate, This is how you, find your soulmate, you listen to your body.

Three months later he proposed we were married 8 months after. That was 13 years ago and we are still in love, compatible energies!

Twin Flame Meaning

Twin flame meaning, New Age spiritual concept that describes a relationship ideology based on the idea that two people are each other's “half” and have an intense soul connection. This is an example of the science of two, compatible energies, something we have no control over.  That is why you have heard people say we have no control over who we love. You can't pick your, twin flame. The science of attraction brings him or her to you.

Your, soul mate meaning,  two souls joining together to perfect each other.

On the other hand when your energy is not in sync with other, we get, bad vibes, not your, soul mate.  The energy cancels each other out and instead of feeling euphoria you feel depleted.

Energy is your most important reading as a single woman looking for a mate. Ever heard the saying that someone is like an anchor, you can’t thrive since you met them.  Pay attention that means that you are not expanding, you are contracting or stuck.

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Illustration  the Science of Attraction: The bad vibe

Rhonda met this great guy at a bar. The guy was gorgeous, absolutely delicious. He pursued and seduced her and they started, dating. They had a great time together but something didn’t click. He was kinda, sorta vague on his explanation about everything.

It took about three months of, dating, this guy for Rhonda to discover that he was still living with his daughter’s mother and another 6 months to understand that theirs was an on and off relationship. He would never under any circumstances spend the night, saying that he did not want his daughter to wake up and he was not there.  This reminds me of Whitney Houston’s married relationship in Waiting to Exhale!

This is when Rhonda realized that a married man is a married man.  They can string you along forever. They can tell you anything.  She decided to breakup.  The breakup was mutual but she wasted at least 2 years on a relationship that was going nowhere when if she had paid attention to her, bad vibes,  she could have saved herself from heartache.

Reading energy is the most important data in the, dating, world.

Be careful of Psychopaths Pretending to be your Twin Flame

Have you ever met a psychopath? Or been in a relationship with one? They are masters at reading energy.

We are all broadcasting a frequency of our most innermost thoughts. That is how a predator picks out his prey.

  • That is how a mugger chooses his victim.
  • Animals also know how to read this energy.  A lion picks his prey from a flock. He reads the vibration of the weakest prey.

I am sure everyone on the planet is aware on some level of the Art Kelly crimes against teenage girls and women. How do you think he chose his victims?  Women who would allow him to disrespect their bodies and lock them up in a room and  have to ask to go to the bathroom and ask to eat?  Some said that he didn't feed them for 3 days, yet they didn't leave. As one of his victims said in an interview.  If you were weak minded, he wants you. You could be a teenager or a 30 year old woman!

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Science of attraction:  Finding your Soul Mate

Synergistic relationships are based on both individuals being on the same wavelength, when they completely understand each other and don't try to limit the space they occupy in each other's lives.

I read an article that stated the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.  The examples used was if you train two Belgian horses together, the effect is multiplied: together, they can pull 32,000 pounds. Two horses, doing the work of four, even though it seems to defy physics. Often, in a positive relationship, you’ll find that synergy is already happening.

How can you increase that by finding harmony, in acknowledging individual strengths and how they work best together?  For example, I love to shop; but I don’t necessarily like to cook all the time.  My husband, will send me a list of all the items to pick up the grocery store and he will cook.  I then just have to do keep the kitchen tidy and get the family read to enjoy his great cooking.  It works for both of us.

In regards to signs women should look out for in predators, Robert Hare, one of the world’s foremost experts on, psychopathic behavior, believes that people need to know what to do in the event they find themselves involved or associated with a predatory psychopath.

Here are his tips on How to Avoid being targeted by a predator when trying to, find your soulmate:

  1. Be careful of props—the winning smile, the promises, the fast talk, and the gifts meant to deflect you from the manipulation and exploitation that may be occurring. Any of these characteristics can have enormous sleight-of-hand value, serving to distract you.”
  2. Anyone who seems too perfect is. Psychopaths hide their dark sides until they get their target person deeply involved. Too much flattery, feigned kindness, and cracks in grandiose stories should provide clues and put you on your guard. Make reasonable inquiries.
  3. Know yourself—or you might be vulnerable from your blind spots. Predators know how to find and use your triggers, so the more you realize what you tend to fall for, the more closely you can guard against it.

 

The second stage in the Science of Attraction, is Chemistry

I know you have heard this word thrown around all the time. For example the dating sites match people up by common interests; but they can't manufacture chemistry.

Let's get back to my husband for a minute.

I just shared all about the our first meeting and about us having good vibes but if we had no chemistry we would just become good friends.

Here are the Chemicals released  by love that is responsible for Chemistry:

  • Dopamine – Lights up your pleasure center. Your pleasure goes up when you are near or think about this person. Your  motivation goes up, Now you are thinking of that nice house and 2 kids! Your sadness goes down, if you were depressed, you are now happy.

I know you have heard the saying love is blind. It is true. Dopamine make you more attractive to your mate and since we are on this planet to procreate, your sexuality goes up! I am sure you have heard or have personal data that new lovers do it all the time!

  • The second chemical that is released in love is Oxytocin  – Oxytocin is responsible for trust. Your level of trust goes up, and your attachment goes up. This is probably why your girlfriends can’t figure why you are going out with a player;  but you don’t see it until your heart is crushed. The psychopath uses this one to his advantage.
  • Finally Serotonin is released. – This hormone is responsible for all the pain attached to love. Serotonin goes up and you become obsessed with your lover. Love is a chemical addiction!

Thank God I have only had one experience with an over abundance of this hormone.

I met one of my boyfriends at a club and it was an instant attraction. I fell hard.  I swooned when he called me baby the next day!

Less than 2 months after we met, we made plans to spend the New Year in Jamaica.  He left before Christmas but I wouldn’t leave my kids for Christmas so I made plans to meet him in Jamaica after Christmas.   It was the longest week in my entire life.  I literally looked at the clock the entire time.  I was an addict! I however did not, find my soulmate.

Arifah what can you lend to this conversation from a social worker perspective?

Wow, Myrna glad you spoke about the hormones.  I always talk to my clients about increasing their Oxytocin through touch, such as a hug, holding hands, a kiss.  Everyone has a sensitive area on the body that causes arousal when touched, whether sexual or just to feel good. It’s important in a relationship to know what your partner likes and does not, to give each other compliments and share tips on how increase synergy between each other.  It’s important to always reminisce on moments, like when you first met, knew you were in love and what you admire about one another now.  All of this, helps build connection.

In general the most salient characteristics for chemistry between two people are mutual interest (reciprocal candor, reasonableness, intimacy,

Similarity, and physical attraction.

Here are some questions from my Life Coach group on Facebook on How to, Find your Soul mate?

Remember you have an open invitation to join this group to get answers from the group on any of your struggles in life.

Question from Velma: I would like to, find your soul mate, but most men in my age group 60, want a traditional woman to cook and clean and a man to think for her. I’m not a traditional woman and I’m tired of pretending to be helpless. How do we as women maneuver in a world of the insecure man?

My answer – be both cake and ice-cream. Sometimes you are soft like ice cream and sometimes you are in charge and embrace your masculine energy and be cake.

What’s your answer Arifah

Keep doing what you love and make yourself a priority to level up.

Question from Elizabeth:

Should I be looking to, find your soul mate,  of just someone to keep me warm at night?

When you are in your fifties and you have to start all over dating, do you date to find a husband or should you be okay with someone to keep you warm at night.

My answer- Someone to keep you warm at night. Women over 40 have a very slim chance of finding a husband, but you can definitely, find your soul mate!

What’s your answer Arifah?

Its up to you, based on what you are looking for in the present.  Dating, can work either way, based on what you end up wanting.

Arifah is the Founder and Program Director of Lifted by Purpose.

Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services to organizations seeking trainings, workshops or programs with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors. Including:

  • Anger Management
  • Healthy Relationships
  • Mental Health Education and Coping Skills
  • Youth Engagement and
  • Mental Health First Aid Training

Located at 180 Shaw St, suite 201, Toronto, Ont.  Phone # 416-391-5270

 Additional Resources for, How to Find your Soulmate

https://myhelps.us/sex-and-spiritual-energy-the-tree-of-life/

 

Is the Secret to Love, Sex?

https://myhelps.us/the-alchemy-of-desire/

https://blog.mindvalley.com/vibrational-energy/

https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/

 

 

 

Understanding Personalities: Which Archetype Drives You

Your Life Theme and, personalities,  shape what motivates and drives you throughout your life. Find out which of the four archetypes and the, 16 personalities types, that can compose your identity.

Introduction

John Voris, author of the book “Discover the Power that Drives your, Personality, How four Virtues Define your World, started his career as a door to door salesman.  He failed miserably as a salesperson, even after taking sales training. He wondered why some people with the same training is better than others and discovered that, personalities, play an important role in skill.   That started his thinking that some, personalities, can do certain skills better than others. He also realized that, 16 personalities types, controls  our communication.

 

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He learned that the human mind needs to express its authentic identity and, personality. One way it does that is by selecting the objects and environment that expresses who we are.  That means that the objects around you right now reflect your past decisions.  Decisions like, I know I like this or I don't like that.

How to identify our 16 Personalities.

John: So when I figured out how to sell to, personalities, I became an excellent salesperson closing 12 out of 14 transactions. I would be able to walk into a room and tell the motivation of my clients by the objects they surrounded themselves with. For example If you came into my office today I have over 4000 books. You can deduct that I am curious. Then you look at the titles of the books and you would understand my desire for wisdom. That doesn't mean I’ll buy; but if the salesperson tailor their language to my desire for wisdom and build rapport, they have a great chance of closing the sale.  That is how you read people.

Another example, if I were to go into a beauty salon, I can figure out the, personalities; everyone is having fun.  I want to appease the, personalities,  so when I  walk into the salon I talk about other people of interest. The people who just purchased my widgets like Janice two doors down.  I would talk about what is factual about Janice. The, personalities, in the salon would buy my widget because Janice bought it.

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How does Objects identity their  personalities?

Our, personality, as our way of expression.  Your identity does not follow. I think therefore I am; It’s the only way to find self-actualization or self-realization.  The objects, events and people around their, personality, identify the, personality type.

Myrna: I'm thinking of an object and that identifies, personalities, and identities. I'm thinking of maybe an expensive car, a big house, nice expensive clothes. These objects around me definitely define my, personality.

True,  but  I  look at what do you like to do for fun?  What is your hobby? In my 35 question, personality test, I ask the questions like “What event caused you the most pleasure? What event caused you the most pain?”  I ask you to describe both, you will find they are linked to the same answer because they are linked to your, personality, and who you are. I am able to identify one of your, 16 personalities types, from this test.

Discover Your Life Theme: The, Personality, Engine That Drives You

Your Life Theme offers the, personality,  framework that gives shape to what motivates and drives you throughout your life.

You are not a, personality, you are an identity. That identity is driven by one of four archetypes or  “Life Themes.”

These “ Life Themes” are Love, Justice, Wisdom and Power.

These represent four and the only four major motivating forces that can explain human behavior.

These four archetypes have many roles and functions that compose our identity. It is their adequacy of expression that is responsible for us living a life of happiness and success.

While each of us contains all four, there is one that takes precedent over the others.

They are responsible for our feelings and emotional reactions often causing anxiety, fear, anger, self-doubt, alienation, the lack of life meaning and purpose.

Once you know your, personality, that’s driving your Archetype, you will be able to understand its presence and better manage your life and your relationships.

The Myers-Briggs Personalities Type Indicator

An Overview of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
  • Intuitive-Thinking. INTJ. INTP. ENTJ. ENTP.
  • Intuitive-Feeling. INFJ. INFP. ENFJ. ENFP.
  • Sensing-Judging. ISTJ. ISFJ. ESTJ. ESFJ.
  • Sensing-Perceiving. ISTP. ISFP. ESTP. ESFP.

According to, Myers-Briggs,  theory of, personality types,  people can be characterized by their preference of general attitude:

  • Extraverted (E) vs. Introverted (I), their preference of one of the two functions of perception:
  • Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N), and their preference of one of the two functions of judging:
  • Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F)

The three areas of preferences introduced by Jung are dichotomies (i.e. bipolar dimensions where each pole represents a different preference). Jung also proposed that in a person one of the four functions above is dominant – either a function of perception or a function of judging. Isabel Briggs Myers, a researcher and practitioner of Jung’s theory, proposed to see the judging-perceiving relationship as a fourth dichotomy influencing personality type [Briggs Myers, 1980]:

  • Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P)

The 16 personalities types

The first criterion, Extraversion – Introversion, signifies the source and direction of a person’s energy expression. An extravert’s source and direction of energy expression is mainly in the external world, while an introvert has a source of energy mainly in their own internal world.

The second criterion, Sensing – Intuition, represents the method by which someone perceives information. Sensing means that a person mainly believes information he or she receives directly from the external world. Intuition means that a person believes mainly information he or she receives from the internal or imaginative world.

The third criterion, Thinking – Feeling, represents how a person processes information. Thinking means that a person makes a decision mainly through logic. Feeling means that, as a rule, he or she makes a decision based on emotion, i.e. based on what they feel they should do.

The fourth criterion, Judging – Perceiving, reflects how a person implements the information he or she has processed. Judging means that a person organizes all of his life events and, as a rule, sticks to his plans. Perceiving means that he or she is inclined to improvise and explore alternative options.

All possible permutations of preferences in the 4 dichotomies above yield 16 different combinations, or personality types, representing which of the two poles in each of the four dichotomies dominates in a person, thus defining 16 different personality types. Each personality type can be assigned a 4 letter acronym of the corresponding combination of preferences:

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The motivation of each of the four Life Themes or, personalities types:

  • The Love Theme- is motivated to better humanity by trying to correct that which causes pain, discomfort, suffering, and victimization. It is driven by love, compassion, and empathy.
  • The Justice Theme – seeks balance and harmony. Justice is expressed in several ways. It seeks to correct injustice and immorality in people, relationships and organizations. It also gets expressed by seeking balance and perfection using design through engineering, art, music, and literature.
  • The Wisdom Theme – is driven by a need to know in order to exercise sound judgment in problem solving and goal attainment. Wisdom finds its expression and purpose through teaching, learning, and working with data.
  • The Power Theme – needs to act upon thoughts and get into action. Empowerment finds its expression and purpose through Power as a natural leader and agent of change.
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As you can see, there is something deeper than our, personality, at work that is running the show. Our, personality, is merely the way we appear in social situations. It is not what drives us.

What drives us are ancient archetypal forces based on moral and ethical virtues. I like to see these virtues as gifts that we are born with and are compelled to express and give throughout our life.

All of us need all four of the universal motivation systems regardless of our upbringing, opportunities, and physical attributes:

To download a copy of John Personality test quiz visit www.JohnVoris.com

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Additional Resources, Personalities.

https://myhelps.us/how-transform-your-career-with-purpose/

https://myhelps.us/the-secret-to-living-the-life-of-your-dreams/

https://myhelps.us/how-disable-your-autopilot-brain/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Type_A_and_Type_B_personality_theory

Authentic Identity Assessment

What Are the 12 Archetypes and Which One Dominates Your Personality

 

Twin Flames: A Journey of Love and Spiritual Awakening

Shelby Carino joins host Myrna Young to discuss the reality of, twin flames. Shelby shares her personal journey with, twin flames, and explains that, twin flame, is an energy, not a person. She emphasizes the importance of understanding oneself and working on personal growth before attracting a twin flame.

Shelby also addresses the push and pull dynamic in, twin flame relationships and the need for women to lead and guide their partners spiritually. She offers a course to help women break free from limiting beliefs and outdated patterns in order to manifest their, twin flame.

Download the podcast here: 

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Introduction

Welcome back to the Transform Your Mind to Transform Your Life radio, podcast, and television show. I'm your host, life coach Myrna Young. Today, we have a special guest, Shelby Carino, who will be joining us to discuss the fascinating topic of navigating the reality of, twin flames. If you've never heard of, twin flames, before, I encourage you to stay until the end because knowledge is power. Understanding the concept of, twin flames, can help us attract and cultivate deep, meaningful relationships. So let's dive right in and explore this intriguing topic.

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What are Twin Flames?

What is a, twin flame meaning. According to Shelby, twin flame definition, is an energy, a fifth dimention energy,  that manifests through the mirrored effect of our higher soul journey. It represents the other half of ourselves, whether it be the masculine or feminine energy. The, twin flame, is not just a person, but an energy that helps us grow and ascend spiritually. It is a deep, soulful connection that goes beyond surface-level compatibility.

Shelby's personal journey with, twin flames, began in 2011 when she experienced a spiritual awakening. She stumbled upon the concept of twin flames through a meditation and manifested a person who embodied the qualities she associated with a, twin flame. However, she soon realized that the, twin flame, is not solely about the person, but about the energy and the depth of the connection.

Listen Notes Transform Your Mind
Listen Notes Transform Your Mind

The Misrepresentation of Twin Flames

Shelby highlights the misrepresentation of, twin flames, in popular culture, particularly in the documentary “Twin Flame Universe” on Netflix. She cautions against the dangerous ideology perpetuated by some self-proclaimed gurus who claim to have the ultimate knowledge of, twin flames. These individuals often convince people that there is only one specific person who is their, twin flame, and that they must do whatever it takes to be with that person. This misrepresentation can lead to obsession, stalking, and unhealthy behaviors.

Shelby emphasizes that the, twin flame, is not about being fixated on one person, but about the energy and the growth it brings. It is a journey of self-discovery and spiritual development. The, twin flame, is an energy that can be manifested through various relationships, not just one specific person.

Twin flame seperation: The Dance of the Runner and Chaser

There is such a thing as, twin flame seperation. In the realm of, twin flames, there is often a dynamic of the runner and chaser. This occurs when one person becomes overwhelmed by the intensity of the connection and tries to distance themselves, while the other person desperately chases after them. Shelby explains that this dynamic arises when the chaser projects their energy onto the runner, overwhelming them and causing them to retreat.

To break free from this, twin flame seperation, Shelby advises women to focus on their own spiritual growth and balance their feminine and masculine energies. Women have the power to guide their partners into their own, spiritual awakening, but they must first be in control of themselves and their own energy. By doing so, they can create a healthy and balanced dynamic in the, twin flame relationship.

Twin flame love: Breaking Free from Limiting Patterns and Beliefs

In, twin flame love, Shelby's work revolves around helping women break free from limiting subconscious patterns and outdated spiritual beliefs. She offers a relationship reset course that helps individuals reset their foundation of what relationships are truly about. By challenging old belief systems and integrating new perspectives, individuals can create healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

The, twin flame, journey is an opportunity for individuals to transform their minds and release outdated beliefs and escape the reality of the, fake twin. It requires deep self-reflection, spiritual growth, and a willingness to let go of old patterns that no longer serve them. Through Shelby's courses and guidance, individuals can gain the knowledge and tools to navigate the, twin flame love, with grace and authenticity.

Twin Flame vs Soul mate

Navigating the reality of, twin flames, is a profound and transformative journey. It is not just about finding a, soul mate, but about connecting with the deepest parts of ourselves and experiencing spiritual growth. The, twin flame vs soul mate, energy serves as a catalyst for self-discovery and ascension.

As we continue to evolve and move into the, fifth dimension energy, the concept of, twin flames, becomes even more relevant. We are being called to go beyond surface-level connections and seek deeper, more meaningful relationships.  We are going deeper than even, soul mate, relationships. By understanding the true nature of twin flames and working on our own spiritual development, we can attract and cultivate the relationships that align with our highest selves.

Twin Flames Conclusion

In conclusion, the journey of, twin flames, is a path of love, growth, and spiritual awakening. It is an opportunity to connect with our true essence and experience the highest form of love, twin flame love.  By embracing the energy of, twin flames, and working on our own spiritual development, we can create fulfilling and transformative relationships. So, let us embark on this journey with open hearts and open minds, ready to embrace the depth and beauty that, twin flames, have to offer.

Additional Resources

How to Find your Soul Mate or Twin Flame

Be the Salt of the Earth: Add Flavor to Your Relationships

In a world that often demands conformity, being the, salt of the earth,  takes on a profound meaning. Just as salt enhances the taste of food, embodying this metaphor means infusing your life and relationships with a unique and impactful essence.

In this episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna, we'll delve into the symbolism of being the, salt of the earth, and explore how this concept can enrich your interactions, elevate your experiences, and leave a lasting impression on those around you.

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Be Salt: Embrace Authenticity

Authenticity is the foundation of being, the salt of the earth. By staying true to your values, beliefs, and personality, you create a genuine connection with others. Embracing your authentic self can lead to more meaningful relationships and inspire those around you to do the same.

Salt of the earth: Sprinkle Kindness and Compassion

Just as a pinch of salt can transform a dish, small, acts of kindness, and compassion can have a powerful impact. Gestures of empathy, generosity, and understanding can create a ripple effect, fostering an environment of love and support in both personal and community relationships.

Transform Your Mind Podverse.fm
Transform Your Mind Podverse.fm
Be Salt: Season with Positivity

Much like salt enhances the flavors in a meal, a positive outlook can enrich your perspective on life. The, science of positivity, has far-reaching effects on mental well-being, and helps us in cultivating a more optimistic mindset. So be the, salt of the earth, and, season your relationships with positivity.

Positivity does not mean ignoring the realities of life. It means adjusting for the brain’s natural tendency to ignore the positives of life. Whether you’re frustrated by your own negativity or the negativity of others, The, Science of Positivity, can help.

Be Salt: Preserve Relationships with Communication

Salt has been used for centuries as a preservative, and communication serves a similar role in relationships. Communication that is open, honest, and respectful preserves relationships, and helps in resolving conflicts and strengthening connections through dialogue. Sprinkle your relationships with the, salt of communication, and preserve it forever.

Are you a Closed Communicator?

You are a, closed communicator, if you do any of the following:

  • you become defensive,
  • resistant,
  • bitchy,
  • moody,
  • easy to anger,
  • confrontational,
  • and not open to feedback.
RadioPublic Transform your mind
RadioPublic Transform your mind
Salt of the earth: Leave a Lasting Legacy

Salt has a lasting impact, and so do the actions and values we pass down through generations. Being the, salt of the earth, can contribute to a meaningful legacy, shaping the way you're remembered by your children, family, and friends. Leave a legacy behind for your family and friends.

Transform Your Mind Podverse.fm
Transform Your Mind Podverse.fm
Conclusion:

As you journey through life, remember that being the, salt of the earth, means embracing your uniqueness, spreading kindness, seasoning experiences with positivity, and preserving the bonds you hold dear. By embodying this concept, you have the power to create a more flavorful and fulfilling existence, leaving behind a legacy that enhances the lives of others. So go forth, be the salt of the earth, and savor every moment of your remarkable journey.

Additional Resources

https://myhelps.us/the-power-of-salt/

Keys to Making Long Term Relationships Work

Long term relationships, whether romantic, familial, or platonic, require effort, understanding, and commitment to thrive. While challenges are inevitable, there are key principles and strategies that can help build and sustain these meaninful relationships. In this blog post, Figs O'Sullivan, couples therapist, explores essential insights on how to make, long term relationships, work.
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About The Guest Bio 

Figs O'Sullivan is a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified in emotionally focused therapy and the founder of Empathi. He is passionate about helping couples create happy and healthy relationships and has spent years working with couples at crossroads in their relationships. Figs combines his background in attachment theory, improvisational dance and theater, and experimental psychotherapy to provide effective and simple solutions for couples.

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Summary Keys to Making Long-Term Relationships Work:

In this episode, Figs O'Sullivan, a licensed marriage and family therapist, shares his expertise on how to make long-term relationships work. He explains that the key to a successful relationship is to shift from a perspective of blame and criticism to one of empathy and understanding. Figs emphasizes the importance of recognizing that both partners are hurting and that their actions are a result of their own pain.

He also discusses the three common patterns of conflict in relationships and how to break free from them. Figs provides practical advice on how to create a connection vacuum and foster a deeper emotional bond with your partner. He concludes by highlighting the transformative power of empathy and the importance of experiencing it in order to create lasting change in a relationship.

Key Takeaways:

  1. Shift from blame and criticism to empathy and understanding in your relationship.
  2. Recognize that both partners are hurting and their actions are a result of their own pain.
  3. Break free from the three common patterns of conflict in relationships: protest polka, mutual criticism, and silent suffering.
  4. Create a connection vacuum by sharing your feelings and needs with your partner in a vulnerable and non-blaming way.
  5. Foster a deeper, emotional bonding,  with your partner by experiencing empathy and understanding for each other's pain.
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Coffee With Karina podcast
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The Coffee with Karina Podcast is a captivating and informative show hosted by actress/producer Karina Michel, where she engages in meaningful conversations with a diverse range of guests. Each episode delves into various topics, including personal growth, professional development, and lifestyle. 

So grab a coffee and get behind the scenes with Karina…

Shifting your perspective in long-term relationships

Myrna: Enjoying being together and actually liking each other again because yeah, so it's very rewarding. It's almost like me when I help clients. As far as coaching, one of my biggest things in coaching is change the way you think of a thing and the thing you think of will change or look at the thing. So in coaching is all about changing your perception of something. And I love it when I'm able to do that for clients.

Figs: Huge. Absolutely. By the way. Exact same. The first hurdle is shifting people's perspective on what's happening between the two of them. And this is at the most basic level, right. When a couple comes to see me. They have two different perspectives of what's happening. And most of the time, not always, those two perspectives could be summed up as one person's perspective is the other person is messing up and they need to change some stuff to make things better. And then, of course, the other person is like, their partner spouse is like, thank you very much for that opinion because actually, funnily enough, I think you're the one messing up and you need to change a few things.

Yeah. And so some of them say that very politely, and others throw lethal weapons at each other right from across the room. And then my job is to actually craft seed the perspective of the entire system of both of them together and share that perspective with them in a way that helps them see the truth of, oh, would you look at this is who we are together as a system and that we both actually make sense. Both of us are right.

Both of us are getting hurt, and both of us act in ways that actually really do hurt the other person. And when they can then live deeply inside of that perspective, then their limbic systems, their nervous systems calm down. Right? They're not actually living with, like, a crocodile and a stone. They're actually two little kittens or two little puppies that are just herding and then we can start snuggling.

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Podhero podcast

Why couples have the same fight over and over again

Myrna: Yes, I love that. Like I said, I can see it. And a lot of times they don't even want to go to therapy because the relationship is that bad, or saying, hey, now, exactly, we're just going to chuck this thing. But it's a good thing to do therapy. At least it means that you're willing to change. You're willing to see someone else's opinion. You're willing to see it from the other person's perspective.

And you start off by saying that your childhood was in a relationship where your dad was an alcoholic and your mom was heartbroken because of it, and then you were hurt because you're in this whatever. So what was that experience like for you? Did you see your parents fight? Because one of the things that you talk about is you help couples to not have the same fight over and over again. So how can you bring that into your personal experience?

Figs: Yeah, well, look, I witness my parents being together and fighting. I witnessed them being apart, right. And just fighting. Silence and just pain and sadness in the distance, the silence, not naming what's going on. You could think there's three ways people do the waltz of pain. The walls of pain is when two people that love each other are disconnected from each other and they both see each other as the withholder of love.

But there's basically three patterns in, long term relationships. One is one person's feeling abandoned, not prioritized. And they blame and criticize even they may not think they're blaming and criticizing. They may think they're just giving amazing advice to their partner that will really help them, but that's not how it lands. And of course, it makes their partner or spouse feel really bad about themselves, feel like they're unacceptable, they're never good enough. And so they pull away or withdraw or they defend themselves, right? And that's technically called an emotionally focused, couples therapy.

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Podbay FM

What happens when couples are both criticizing each other

That is called a protest polka. One person is protesting, Why aren't you here for me? And the other person's pulling away. The other way people do it is both of them are saying, Why aren't you here for me? They're both criticizing each other, right? Fireworks. I need a helmet and a shield when I'm sitting with them and they're going at it. Right. And then, of course, the third way, which a lot of people think at first this is actually healthy or good, is they're both hurting, feeling unloved, but they just don't talk about it.

But in the long run, it ends up in the same painful place that they've lost each other and they're in agony inside, but they just avoid ever. And inside, no matter which one of those three things and you might do all three in a day, or you may have one preferred, one that you do in your own relationship, right. But left unattended to that kind of system that is happening in a relationship and it doesn't get resolved. Right. It creates a connection vacuum that bad things can happen.

Right. So we just want to minimize the amount of time there is a connection vacuum in, long term relationships, so that we limit the chances of affairs or turning to work for your needs to be met so that you actually end up being able to turn to each other and be there for each other.

What to do if you are feeling unloved in a long-term relationship

Myrna: All right. I got tons of circle back on that one. So, yes, I can identify with all three of what basically you're saying, but not necessarily the middle one, but women are. And I've been in, long term relationships, where, yeah, you're saying, hey, I feel unloved. You're not showing me love. I don't feel love. I don't feel special. You're always working. You're always doing that or whatever. And then when you are correct, when you say it, the person goes into defense, but then you're saying the third one is that you don't say it. So in your experience, which one of those patterns leads to success down the road?

Figs: None of them. Right? That's the point. So here's the thing. So each one of those patterns, from the subjective experience, it makes sense from your individual experience inside a relationship, when I'm hurting, it makes sense to protest you're not loving me. Or let's say that's one. When I'm hurting, it makes sense to say nothing or defend myself. It makes sense from your individual perspective. When I'm hurting, I say nothing.

They all make rational sense to do for an individual member of a, long term  relationship. But in the long run, even though it makes logical sense, it's going to make things worse for you, definitely. Right? Do you think you have a can of water in your hand and you're about to throw this can of water on the fire of the disconnection between the two of you? But the can was mislabeled. There is gasoline inside the can.

Because just think about it. Despite what you think, if you are in a, long term relationship, your spouse or partner loves you. They love you. You are the most important person in the world to them right now. When you're hurting and feeling unloved and you tell them you're not loving me, here's what they hear, right? Even if you think they look like they don't care, they just change the channel. They change the channel. They look like they don't care because that's how they survive. Feeling.

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RadioPublic Transform your mind

We all need to feel we are enough

I am devastated inside to be not enough again. The person I most want to be enough for is telling me once again I am a disappointment. I'm not good enough. I'm a failure. And it hurts so much. They have to avoid feeling it or defend themselves, whatever they do, like, change the channel. That's how they survive. But then, of course, you hear their defense or their channel changing, or they're like shutting down completely as evidence. See, I was right.

They don't love me. And so now, your own subjective experience, you're going to go, I'm going to reach for a second can of water and tell them even more how unloving they are, which will devastate them even more. And so they'll reach for their second can of water. I'll defend myself even more. It'll devastate you. And now you're both throwing cans of gasoline at each other, and you both feel totally justified in doing it. Now, here's the way out.

Figs: So just imagine for a moment your spouse, they're just really little. They're just a little kid inside, no matter how big and tough they look to you, right? They're just little, which they are when it comes to love. And they're heard they want more than anything to be good enough for you. And you tell them, you go, hey, you just did your homework. You got five out of ten. This is not good enough. I need you to do better at your homework. I told you yesterday, I told you the day before that.

When are you going to get better at homework? When I have pretty understandable expectations that you would be getting eight out of tens. And until you're getting eight out of tens, you go to your room, young man. Now, listen, I don't know about you, and listen, if that's your gig. That's how you think you motivate people, not just you, right. But listeners. Right. You go for it. But I don't think it works with most people.

They will defend themselves. They will collapse. They will give. I ain't doing no homework anymore. That's the end of me doing homework for you. I'm off to watch American football every Sunday on the couch. What's the point in trying to do homework for that one? No way. So, no, I don't ask them to meet the needs of their partner. I help them both understand.

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Transform Your Mind Podverse.fm

Why couples should never tell each other what they are not doing

Listen, to be on the receiving end of what you do when you're hurting is devastating now. But by the way, I will help him in this example, right? I will help him see how devastating it is for you, right? Lord of woman, in this example, to be on the receiving end of how you survive when you feel there's no way to be good enough, when you don't try and show up, when you defend yourself, when they're genuinely validly hurting inside, it is devastating to be on the receiving end of that strategy to survive again, punchline.

Myrna: Wow. I love it. I learned so much from there. I will, definitely, because I'm one of those ones that tell my husband what he's not doing.

Yeah. And you call your company Empathi. So you're teaching your clients to have empathy for each other. I think that's what you say, how you help couples in, couples therapy, to get to a place of empathy. So is the place of empathy what we're talking now, or does it go deeper?

Figs: Yeah, so empathy is like the pivotal. Like, let's say empathy, let's call it on the journey. The hardest place to get to is where empathy is possible. Right? There's this threshold of revelation, right? And the threshold of revelation is, let's say we go from the two separate stories. You're the troublemaker in the relationship. Oh, yeah. No, you are. To, hey, it's both of us, and it's only happening because we love each other. And then it changes our physiology, it helps our nervous system and limbic system relax. And then we see, wow, we're both hurting.

Now we're having not only one way empathy. I'm empathizing with you or you're empathizing with me. We have what I call these days empathy squared. We're both feeling empathy for ourselves and each other at the same moment. So we want to have an empathy squared experience. It literally up levels a human being. Like, it literally is like going from being a two dimensional being to a three dimensional being.

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Long-term relationships need empathy to survive

I'm hurting, you're hurting. And we both care about the way we're both hurting. And we both see the way we both hurt each other all at the same time. That's the experience. That's an empathy squared experience. We got to have that. If we have that now, like I was saying, now we can do all the deep repairs of the hurts in the past. We can love each other, we can work on our sex life, we can work on, like, so what are we going to do about the way we both spend money differently?

But that empathy squared experience is the pivotal. That's the pivotal first big transformational moment in the journey. And I always say it sucks that if couples are to fail, we fail to get to that empathy squared moment, because one or both people are like, yeah, whatever. They're still not there for me. They just can't get out of their own way. Not because they're bad, because they got hurt so much in the past that it's too scary to become unguarded undefended for a moment and have that present moment transformational experience.

Conclusion

Myrna: I love that. Tell us about your coaching programs. How can the listeners connect with you? Because yeah, this is good stuff.

Figs: Great. Yeah. So, look, all we do is try and help people love themselves and each other. Right. Any different way we can do it? We do counseling, coaching all over the world. And we have courses, we have a podcast, we write articles. Because your listeners are obviously into podcasts, you might want to check out our Come Here to Me podcast. And in that podcast, my wife and I actually share our own journey as people, couples, therapists that are being a couple and talking about their own emotional journey together as a couple.

So, as we say, relationship experts walk the talk. I just love sharing about the wisdom. And then the website is just www.empathi.com.

Additional Resources

How To Transform Your Relationships Using The Power of Now!

 

How To Transform Your Relationships Using The Power of Now!

In this episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna, I share how to use, the power of the now, to change dysfunctional negative relationships into positive ones and how to use the, power of now, to transform your relationships.

Relationships are one of the most important aspects of our lives, and it's easy to let them get out of control. Today we study Eckhart Tolle's book “The Power of The Now” on how to improve your relationships. By learning how to use the power of now, you'll be able to align yourself with what's really important in your life, and your relationships will start to improve as a result.

Eckhart Tolle says that everything happens in the now. There is only one point of access and it is the now.  And until you access the now, all relationships are deeply flawed. They may seem perfect for a moment when you are in love, but that perfection is lost when disappointment and dissatisfaction set in.  If we look at the divorce rate, it seems that most love relationships become love hate relationships.

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Relationships bloom when we access the power of  now

If we look at the divorce rate, it seems that most, love relationships, become, love-hate relationships.  

When we don’t access, the power of the now, love can turn to hate with the flick of a switch.  

Sometimes the relationship continues for a while between the polarities of love and hate. It gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain. 

Some couples get addicted to the drama because it makes them feel alive, but when the negative events occur with increasing frequency, the relationship collapses

Here is some, relationship advice, you may think that if you remove the, negative cycles, then the relationship would flower beautifully, but this is not the case. The polarities are mutually interdependent, you cannot have one without the other. The reason we want to be in the now in our relationships is that you can’t access the, pain body, of what he did to me and then bring it forward and relive the pain.

The, power of the now, means unless the event is happening now, it is in the past.  The reason Eckhart Tolle teaches that the polarities are mutually interdependent is because your pain feed his pain. Your triggers, trigger his triggers.  

Podfriend Transform Your Mind Podcast
Podfriend Transform Your Mind Podcast

The Power of the now eliminates dysfunctional relationships

The negative side of a relationship is more easily recognized as dysfunctional. It is also easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner, than to see it for yourself. Negativity and your past pain can show up in many forms in your relationship as: 

  • possessiveness,
  • jealousy,
  • control,
  • withdrawal,
  • resentment,
  • the need to be right,
  • insensitivity and self-absorption,
  • emotional demand’s,
  • manipulation,
  • the urge to criticize,
  • judge, blame, anger, and unconscious revenge.

Quite a list. None of these things happen in, the now.

Transform Your Mind Luminary podcast
Transform Your Mind Luminary podcast

The power of now in love

The positive side can be just as bad.  This is the, power of love. When you are in love, someone needs you, wants you and makes you feel special.  The feelings of being in love can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.  

You become addicted to the other person; he acts on you like a drug. Even the thought of that person no longer loving you, illicit jealousy, emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing, because of fear of loss.

If the other person does leave you, it can lead to the most intense pain from grief or the most intense hostility. Was this love in the first place or just addictive clinging?  

Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora
Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora

Survival relationships can be addictive clinging

Then , survival relationships, comes along.  It seems to meet all your needs, at least that is how it appears at first. You now have a new focal point, the person who defines your identity. The person you are in love with. Your world now has a center again, you are loved.  

Then there becomes a point when your partner fails to meet your needs. The feelings of fear and lack now resurface, they had been covered up by the love relationship. Like any drug, you are on a high until the drug no longer works for you. When the feelings of fear return, you feel them stronger than they were before and you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. You attack your partner and this awakens their own, pain body, and he may counter your attack. Every attack is manipulation to get your partner to change their behavior.  

This is because you refuse to work through your pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever you are addicted to, whether it be alcohol, food, shopping, sex you are using something or someone to cover up your pain.  

Google Podcast Transform Your Mind
Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

Romantic relationships do not cause unhappiness

That is why there is so much pain and unhappiness in, romantic relationships. Romantic relationships, do not cause pain and unhappiness, they bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.  

Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. 3 failed marriages are a source of awakening more than if you shut yourself off in a room and refuse to engage in a relationship.

The power of the now, must be strong enough so you don’t get taken over by the thinker or the, pain body.  

Bringing, the power of the now, to your relationship means, first you stop judging yourself then you stop judging your partner.  

The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is without needing to judge or change them in any way.  

You are in a, love relationship, if that person feels the same way about you; other than that you are in a relationship with yourself. Don’t let this love turn into a, love- hate relationship, by constantly bringing up the past. Embrace, the power of the now.

Additional Resources

How Single Women over 40 Find Love

 

Understanding Mental Illness: My Bipolar Life

If you have been diagnosed with, mental illness, or, Bipolar disorder,  it means that you probably think of ending your life all the time.  In this episode, I interview Gabe Howard, who was diagnosed with, Bipolar disorder, at age 25.

Before then Gabe said that he did not know he was sick. His parents thought  he was just acting out and would punish him for his behavior. But he remembers thinking of suicide all his life, until he got treatment. No one knew he was, Bipolar.

Today GABE HOWARD is an award-winning speaker, author, and podcast host who lives with bipolar disorder. He hosts the weekly Psych Central Podcast and is the co-host of the Not Crazy podcast. He’s the author of Mental Illness is an Asshole – and Other Observations and has appeared on numerous websites, podcasts, and in many traditional media outlets

Introduction to My Bipolar Life

I was diagnosed with, Bipolar disorder, when I was when I was 25 years old. I didn't know that I was sick. I had all of these, mental health, symptoms. They were causing me a lot of personal problems. I had a drug and alcohol problem, hyper sexuality was an issue, my relationships were just being destroyed, all because of, mental illness, but I didn't know anything was wrong.

Then one day I ended up in a psychiatric hospital, because I was ready to end my own life. I thought about suicide as far back as I can remember.

I just thought it was normal to want to die.

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What is, Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a mental illness marked by extreme changes in mood from high to low, and from low to high. Highs are periods of mania, while lows are periods of depression. The changes in mood may even become mixed, so you might feel elated and depressed at the same time.

The problem Gabe says is that when you are in the middle is when you get the job, the girl, the promotion, get married.  You usually loose these things when you are depressed or manic;  being in the middle is where you want to be.

I became an advocate because I consider myself to be a smart person and I don't have like some story about how my parents were awful. My parents are good people, they loved me very much. My dad was a truck driver my mom a stay-at-home mom and they did all the things right.

They were engaged, they loved me, they were present and none of us knew that I was, Bipolar, None of us got me any help. I thought wow if I didn't know, if my family didn't know, if all of that love and engagement and connection and caring and they just missed it. There must be other people that are in my shoes. That's why I became a, mental health advocate.

I just wanted to talk about, Bipolar, openly so that there just wouldn't be other people wandering around sick and scared and symptomatic. They could get help, because I was really lucky.

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Fears, Anxieties, Phobias, PTSD, Body health, Mind Health, Spiritual Health are just some of the things Hypnosis works for. Hypnosis-Everywhere is a show about our minds and the miracles we can achieve for ourselves and each other

webpage https://hypnosis.simpsonprotocol.com/hypnosis-on-the-radio

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What is Mental Illness?

Mental Illness is an Asshole!

In his book Mental Illness is an Asshole – and Other Observations

Mental Illness is an Asshole is Gabe Howard’s first collection of articles about living with mental illness.

All the articles date from 2014 through 2018 and include his observations on reaching recovery, stigma, and living well in spite of depression, bipolar, and anxiety. Totaling over 380 pages, Gabe even shares the story of his :): logo for the first time.

For years, Gabe Howard’s entertaining articles and essays have been educating people about living with mental illness. His observations cover everything from practical advice to family relationships to the fears that people with mental illness experience.

In essays such as “Anxiety Says Everyone Hates Me,” “I Have Bipolar and I’m a Hypocrite,” and, yes, “Mental Illness Is an Asshole,” Gabe makes mental illness less scary and more understandable.

I had a suicide plan and I just happen to run into somebody that understood that understood mental illness and it she looked at me and asked me “are you planning on killing yourself?” Her training allowed her to ask that question and I said yes! She he me committed to the psychiatric hospital.

I was diagnosed with, bipolar disorder, and of course once I was diagnosed with, bipolar, to go on and lead good life. This is why I always say that I was lucky.

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Best of all, this book does not tell you how to live your life or which goals you should have. Instead, it helps you figure it out for yourself. ..That’s what you really want—someone in your corner helping you make sense of your life, not someone with their own agenda telling you what to do.

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What is, Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder, is commonly described as extreme highs to extreme lows. From suicidal depression all the way to God like mania. As a, Bipolar, you will have to battle depression where you want to die, and feel like you want to die, you feel like you want everything to end. When you are in Mania, you feel like the whole world revolves around you.

Then there is the middle. Everything is normal. That’s when you get the job, that's when you meet the girl, that's when you get married, buy the house, have all the friends; all the things that you lose when you become symptomatic.

Psych Meds for, Bipolar Disorder, the Good, Bad, and the Ugly

Psychiatric medications are the religion and politics of the mental health advocacy world.

In this episode, we cover the good, the bad, and the ugly surrounding medications. Like whether or not you should take them. We tackle side effects like feeling numb and sexual dysfunction and share our personal histories with medication therapy.

If you have any form of, mental illness, that you need Meds to function. Medications are amazing, they saved my life. I want to be very clear. Without my medication I cannot live the life that I live. So many people mistakenly believe that psychiatric medications are magical that you just need to take the pill and boom everything is fine and it's simple.

It's much bigger than that. In addition to psychiatric medication, therapy is very important, learning coping skills is very important, and going to support groups. You have to deal with the trauma of your past and all of these things matter; but all we ever hear about is psychiatric medication and I want to change that. I want to change it to, did you take your meds and did you go to therapy and did you utilize your coping skills?

 

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What is the most common cause of, bipolar disorder?

Biological traits

Hormonal problems: Hormonal imbalances might trigger or cause bipolar disorder. Environmental factors: Abuse, mental stress, a “significant loss,” or some other traumatic event may contribute to or trigger bipolar disorder.

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Mental Health Advocate for, Bipolar

Gabe is a, Mental Health Advocate. He remembers when no one knew he was sick for over 20 years.  He had a plan to end his life and luckly for him, someone asked him the question “Are you planning on hurting yourself” He answered yes and he was admitted to the Psychiatric ward in hospital.

That saved his life so now, he is a, mental health advocate, to help others suffering from, mental illness, or, bipolar disorder, receive treatment and services.

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Additional Resources for, Bipolar Disorder.

The book is a collection of Articles and all of the Articles have something to do with, mental illness, mental health, loving somebody with, mental illness, dating someone with, bipolar,

It's almost a reference guide that you can carry around for people with, bipolar, or dealing with somebody who is living with, mental illness, and depression and anxiety, don't just live with, bipolar, you can have just depression, you can have just anxiety. Even people with schizophrenia, they suffer from depression and anxiety as well.

Dealing with Anxiety Disorder after Addiction

https://myhelps.us/understanding-and-managing-compulsive-behaviors/

https://myhelps.us/9-steps-to-effective-advocacy/

 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324602.php

 

 

Is the Secret to Love, Sex?

Is the secret to, Love, Sex? This week on Mindset Transformation Radio Podcast, I interview, Love Coach, James Green. James answers the question “Is, Sex, the most important factor in a relationship?

So, let me ask you. What do you think is the most important factor in a relationship? In my research for this interview. I found this article
on the secret to a long marriage. Hint it was not, Sex!

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Secret to a long Marriage not, sex 

But in all seriousness. We have heard the phrase ” A Happy wife a happy life”
Here is another article about a couple married 79 years.

“Just want you to know that you’re still the one I would choose. Still the one I give my heart to, still the one I love.”

So, what’s their secret?

“To support one another, whatever the problems may be, good or bad. Stick together. That’s about it,” Bertha said.

“You know why this lasted 79 years? She has the last word,” Dan added with a smile.

Let me introduce my guest this week:

James is a certified Love and Emotional Intelligence coach. His mission is to teach people how to love themselves as well as love each other. James specialty is Relationship and Personal Development Coaching.

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Show notes Secret to Love 

1. Question 1: Tell us of your journey to become a Love and emotional Intelligence coach. Do you have a personal story that made you specialize in this field?

I was a single parent and realized that when looking for a mate, I had to look for someone who would fit into my lifestyle as a single father. The woman had to accept me and my son as a package deal. That made me look at factors other than, Sex.

As far as my journey to becoming a Love and Emotional intelligence coach, I found I had the aptitude to reach people. People opened up to me. I remember once standing in the line at McDonald's and this man in line started talking to me telling me his story. I decided to get my certification as a, Life Coach
2. Question 2: How does emotional intelligence fit into the relationship dynamics?
Emotional Intelligence is the ability to hear what your partner is not saying. It is the ability to realize that when your partner says Fine, I am okay with that. for example. She is not fine with that, from her tonality or her body language.
Another facet of emotional intelligence is the ability to keep your cool and not fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.

3. Question 3: What problems do find are the most common and how do you coach your clients to solve them?
I find Trust, Communication and the inability to seek out coaching until after they start experiencing problems.

Couples tend to think that coaching is not needed until there is a huge problem in their relationship and when I hear that I ask them do you also see a doctor AFTER you have Cancer?

4. Question 4: If you had a magic wand to solve common relationship problems, what would you solve?

If I had a magic wand to solve relationship problems, I would solve trust. Lack of trust is one of the most destructive elements in a relationship.

5. Question 5: When you say that relationship is not a 3-letter word, what do you mean?
The topic of our show today “Is the secret to love, Sex?”
Couples would have us believe that great sex keeps the relationship going or strong.
While sex is very important in a relationship it is not the most important factor.
I believe that communication is the most important factor.
Click the podcast link to hear from James directly as he answers this question.

6. Question 6: Why would you say that couples do not proactively seek relationship coaching and wait until there is a problem to get counselling?
Culture, conditioning. Women go to get an annual checkup every year. They get a PAP test to proactively check for any cervical problems. But this same woman would not think of going to a relationship coach to proactively check to see if her relationship is in danger of abnormal growth!

For the men I use the analogy of the oil change because men hate going to the doctor for an annual check up. But they do change their oil every 3 to 5 months. ( I had a laugh at this one. I asked James if he was suggesting men change their wife's, as often as they change the oil in their cars?)
He assured me he was not saying that but letting the men know that just like the car engine their relationships need regular maintenance.

Tony Robbins also has lots of empowerment advice for couples.
Click the link below to understand how to create better relationships from Tony Robbins

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Transform Your Mind Amazon


If you found this episode inspirational be sure to subscribe to my podcast and I would also appreciate a rate and review.

You can also follow me on my Facebook page

If you are empowered to become a member of the Human Potential Movement and would like to be a guest on the Mindset Transformation radio show and podcast contact me.

Additional Resources

3 Ways to Find Happiness After a Divorce

 

How to Heal After being Abandoned

Being, abandoned, by  a loved one cuts deeply in the heart resulting in emotional, abandonment.  It is the result of a significant person discarding you, dismissing you, devaluing you, or not acknowledging you. This type of invisible injury causes great harm to the recipient.  In fact, the term “recipient” is ironic because often the recipient receives nothing; which is the problem.

Regardless if you are, abandoned by your parents, a lover, a friend, a sibling. The feeling of, not being enough, overwhelms those who are, abandoned. No one sees it and it tends to go underground in terms of abuse. Victims simply feel empty and invisible.

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Here are the top 3 reasons for feeling, Abandoned:

  • Devalued and rejected by others
  • Abandoned, by our parents
  • Feelings of, not good enough,  because we have lack.

When the, abandonment, wound is caused by an absent parent. When one of your parents has chosen to not be in your life, this cuts deeply. There is no easy explanation to be found by those who’ve been abandoned by a parent. Some try to make the best of the situation, ignoring that fact that they don’t have this parent in their lives; but the damage is still the same.  There are life-long consequences to parental abandonment.

Children in the foster care system that have been, abandoned, by their parents never regain their self-esteem. They look are other kids who have their parents and feel worthless. They end up most time becoming promiscuous because they look for love in all the wrong places.

Some learn to cope in different ways. Some pretend it doesn’t matter; some question their worth; others may be openly angry.  With, abandonment, comes defense mechanisms.

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Abandoned, by Love

Most women who were, abandoned, end up in unhealthy relationship with narcissistic men who abuse them and, abandon, them again.  This pattern is repeated often.

Women who have been, abandoned, could be likened to a cracked vase. If you have been broken from, abandonment, then you can’t hold love, you can’t hold self-esteem, you can’t hold purpose, everything pours out of you.

It takes work to heal your cracks.  The first step in is to identify that you are broken from, abandonment.

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Identifying your, Abandonment, Feelings

Once you have identified your, abandonment, issue and have processed through some of the feelings there are some other imagery exercises you can to do heal yourself. These are described below:

  1. Identify the part of you that is hurt. This can be labeled as your, “hurt inner child.” If the source of your hurt occurred in adulthood, this does not matter because the wound of, abandonment, most likely put you in a regressive state of mind.  You have likely regressed emotionally to a younger, more helpless age. Use imagery and visualize this inner child.
  2. Now imagine the part of you that is healthy and compassionate. This part of you is going to be instrumental in your healing from being, abandoned. You must come to the rescue of your inner, hurt self by offering love, time, empathy, hope, and encouragement.
  3. In addition to the hurt, abandoned, part of yourself, identify your coping mechanisms – particularly any personas or sub-selves that act out; the part of you that is trying to compensate for the hurt experienced by the abandonment of your loved one. Identify parts of you that are trying to respond to the hurt in an unhealthy manner.
  4. Talk to your inner hurt, abandoned, child. Assure her of her value and worth. Be present for her in a real and tangible way.

In the end, no matter who has hurt you, no matter how affected you may be from the resulting injury from, abandonment, you still have a life to live. Even if you have an ache in your heart for the missing person, you can still thrive in life; find hope and love, and live well. You do this by honoring your feelings, acknowledging the loss, validating the consequences of the loss, and enjoying your life.

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How the, Abandonment,  wound plays out in relationships:

  • Oversensitivity to criticism or feedback
  • Overreacting to conflict
  • Becoming a pleaser
  • Anxiety and fear of the other person leaving
  • Ending relationships early before the other person has a chance to leave
  • Jealousy or suspicion that your partner will hurt, cheat, or leave even when there’s no sign of malicious behavior
  • Self-doubt, insecurity, and lack of self-worth
  • Staying in an abusive relationship for fear of being alone
  • In more extreme cases of being deeply triggered during events such as break-ups, a divorce, or a loss:one might feel a total loss of control over their emotions, hyper-reactivity, anxiety attacks, fear, insomnia, weight loss or gain, and obsessive thoughts or behavior.

An, abandonment, wound is invisible to the eye, but it leaves telltale signs in how we relate to the external world, how we feel internally and how we behave in our relationships. It can have us spend our whole lives running from perceived danger. To test someone’s love like a straw that inevitably breaks, then using their resignation as evidence we’re living in an unsafe world. It can cause us to blindly accept the bad behavior of others, ignoring our own needs and prevent us from having a strong, powerful voice.

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Best of all, this book does not tell you how to live your life or which goals you should have. Instead, it helps you figure it out for yourself. That’s what you really want—someone in your corner helping you make sense of your life, not someone with their own agenda telling you what to do.

This book is a life-changer, and I recommend you go out and get it now. The Meaning of Life: A guide to finding your life’s purpose by Nathanael Garrett Novosel. Now available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Apple Books. Order today!

Additional Resources Abandonment

https://myhelps.us/how-single-women-find-love/

How to Heal Your Brokenness

https://myhelps.us/10-ways-childhood-trauma-impact-adults-in-love/

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-the-effects-of-childhood-trauma-4147640

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/201706/4-ways-childhood-trauma-impacts-adults

 

 

How to Ask for a Raise or Anything you Want in Life.

How to, ask for a raise, a promotion, God for something, a Guy out. How to Ask for Affection or anything else you want in life.

A few weeks ago I started reading this book “The game of life and how to play” By Florence Scovel Shinn.  The title of the book caught my attention, because I have a chapter in my book Out of the Snares, a story of hope and encouragement  called How to become a Player in the Game of life and I have a podcast episode entitled “How to win the game of life.”

So you see this topic is close to my heart.

So I started reading. The content wasn't anything I hadn’t heard before, just said in a different way. For example I am a Christian and a follower of the teaching of Jesus Christ. I have read books, listened to visionaries, my pastor and numerous other men of God quote this scripture Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be opened to you, seek and you shall find.  I know this, I believe this; but I had never heard said like this. “You have to make the first move”

Talk about dumbing it down!

My immediate reference was, making the first move if you want a man instead of waiting on him. How many times you just waited and waited for a man to call you or ask you out and he never made the first move and that was the end of your dream of this guy.  If you had picked up the phone and asked him out, you would have received what you wanted. Or at least you would know for sure he was not interested.

So I decided to, Ask for a raise, from God.

This is how I, asked God for a raise,  “God you are my supply. Let everything that is mine by divine right be manifested now. I ask you for a lead, I am knocking at the door, let who I seek be seeking me. Amen”

I made the first move I, asked for a raise,

And God answered immediately!

The very next day I woke up at 5 am and decided to scan my Facebook feed. I don't normally do this but I followed inspiration and did this day. I am a Realtor and a Life Coach. The day before I had marketed on my Facebook page a 12 unit multifamily commercial property. As you know Facebook algorithm records everything you post and like.

So at the top of my feed was this video of a sponsored Ad about a guy talking about how he has made $200,000,000 in four years by buying multifamily properties all over the country. I decided to comment on the post that I had a great price on this 12 unit multifamily unit in Fort Myers and asked if he invests in Florida? Not only did he respond that he is only interested in multifamily properties with over 100 units; but 5 other people responded to me for info on this deal! I only asked God for one lead! He sent me 6.

Then I got an inquiry from my original marketing post. This prospect had the most serious interest and ending up making an offer of $910,000!

Bang that is how it is done!

God is good when? All the time!!! you just need to know how to engage with God and the universal laws he has put in place.

One is these laws is, Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, know and the door will be opened to you.  In other words, you need to make the first move!

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How to, Ask for a Raise, or anything else you want in life eg:

  • How to Ask God for something,
  • How to ask your boss for a raise or a promotion,
  • How to ask a guy out
  • How to Ask for Affection
  1. How to, ask for a raise,or more money

A situation of lack can be changed to prosperity by changing your mindset.

If you concentrate on what you don’t have you will attract more of what you don’t have – Lack

Instead be grateful for what you have and bless it.

You can bless your pennies and have it multiplied.

The most powerful miracle in the Bible is Jesus blessing 5 loafs of bread and 5 fish and turning them into enough food to feed thousands of people with left overs.

That is a principle Jesus was demonstrating; Give thanks for what you have,  bless it and it will yield more.

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Here is How to, Ask for a raise, or more money

Pray this prayer

Father I thank you for food on the table a roof over my head and health in my body.

I bless the pennies in my bank account and ask that you multiply them.

I, ask for a raise, in my job because  I give wonderful service and I deserve  wonderful pay.

Bless, and then follow your intuition. God will send you instructions on your next move.

I shared earlier how I acted on intuition and raised my pay with a Hugh real estate deal.

Never dismiss a hunch, it leads you to your divine right.

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  1. How to, Ask or a Promotion

Adding to the last ask, Ask for a promotion, follows the law of increase because a promotion usually comes with a raise.

So the only thing I would add is faith that the promotion is yours by divine right.

Pray this prayer

Infinite spirit open the way for abundance I am a magnet for all that belongs to me by divine right. Amen

Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher
  1. How, to Ask a Guy out

People like people who are most like them.

Whatever man images sooner or later externalizes in his affairs. If you like a guy before you, Ask a guy out, do the internal work so when you, Ask a guy out, he will likely say yes.

Imagine the two of you on a date, talking and laughing, and connecting.

Say “Infinite spirit open the way for the divine design of my life to manifest. The perfect plan includes love and perfect self expression.”

Then, Ask the guy out, to go to some where he likes, a ball game, dinner, a movie, networking event etc.

How, to Ask for affection, from your spouse

Love opens to man the 4th dimensional world. The world of the wondrous, the world of bliss.

  • Real love is unselfish and free from fear.
  • It pours itself out on the object of its affection without demanding any return.
  • It's joy is in the joy of giving and serving.

If the object of your affection does not return affection, it may be that he grew up in a home where he did not see his father show love to his mother or there was not a man in the home.

So you have to, Ask for affection,  if you need it.

Just say “Can I get a hug?  The world is so much brighter when I am in your arms.”

In my second marriage my husband and I made a habit of fighting and me sleeping in the spare bedroom.

One of these fights lasted over a month and I was intensely aware of how much I needed a hug or just human touch.

If you are in such a relationship where there is little touch and you need it, ask for affection,

Say “Baby can you hold me for few mins.  I am feeling the need for your touch”

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Love is God in manifestation and the strongest magnetic force in the universe; so don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and, ask for affection,

It draws itself to its own. Protect your love by giving and receiving affection.

Remember Jealously is the worst enemy of love.

Give a perfect love and you will receive a perfect love.

How to, Ask for Help, or a Hand Up

I know most people have a hard time, ask for help,  yet some people always have a hand out.

Practice asking for small things first to get comfortable, asking for help,

For example, practice asking your teacher to help with something you don't understand.

This question came from Erika by email.  Remember you can post your questions on this blog , on my facebook group called Life Coach, or you can email either me or Arifah. My email is [email protected] and Arifah is [email protected]. 

Erika asks “How do I show a guy that I like him?”

  • Pay attention to your appearance – show a little skin. I was watching this movie just a few days ago and I learned a few things from a playboy bunny. She said to show skin in 5 areas if you want to catch a man’s attention. Show cleavage, bear arms, legs, belly or mid-section and your derriere.
  • Show him how you feel with your body language.– I am a romantic movie buff. I love how the director shows that there is interest in his main characters.  Always eye contact and a smile. It heats up the screen! Miss Playboy Bunny added lightly touch him. Touch his arms, feel his muscles, brush up against him.
  • Compliment him.– This one comes so naturally to me.  I learned a long time ago to always bless everyone I meet with a compliment. Man or woman.
  • As we wrap up, I want to thank you for being with us until the end of this broadcast. Please show your support by posting a review on iTunes and subscribing to the podcast. If you have topics you would like Arifah and myself to cover,

Lifted by Purpose Provides a diverse range of services to organizations seeking training, workshops or programs with the intent to engage youth in conversations about mental health and learn practical strategies to cope with life stressors. Including:

  • Anger Management
  • Healthy Relationships
  • Mental Health Education and Coping Skills
  • Youth Engagement and
  • Mental Health First Aid Training

Sponsor this podcast: 

  • Todays episode is sponsored by  Columbus Financial Coach.  Are you in a deep hole of “Financial Depression” with nowhere to turn for help? Constantly being harassed by collection agencies? Then visit Columbus Financial and success coach. www.columbusfinancialcoach.com

 Additional Resources:

https://myhelps.us/ask-coach-myrna-how-to-start-over/

How Single Women over 40 Find Love

How do, Single Women over 40, find the love they want? How do they prepare themselves in the meantime while waiting on, Love.  Where do they find, single men?

Single women, who are believing God for a partner, can enhance their in the meantime experience by having the right mindset on why they want a partner, what are the best watering holes to find a partner and how to renovate, Love's house, so that it is ready for Love.

Listen to the full interview here: 

Finding Love Introduction

I think the best, dating advice, is that when, Love's House, is fully ready for, Love, the right partner will appear.

Dating advice, for, finding love again

  1. Work on being the best you.

Become clear on your strengths and the areas that needs improvements

Eg. Are you a good housekeeper or a good cook; but you lack self-esteem and self-confidence? Then work on improving your self -confidence

  1. Advice for single women, Be clear on why you want a partner
  • Do you want a partner for security or to help pay your bills?
  • Do you want a partner because it is culturally acceptable to be married or in a relationship?
  • Are you looking for a partner to complete you?
  • Or Are you looking for a soulmate and equal partner to share your life?
  • The last one was the perfect answer. Many, single women, and some, single men, are out there looking for a partner that contributes something to their lives; but never consider what they are bringing to the table.  Why would someone choose you?
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Where do you, single women over 40, meet, single men?

The reason that so many, single men, and, single women, are still single is because it is hard to meet people.

Here are the most popular Watering holes for the, single woman.

  1. Church
  2. Bars
  3. Gym
  4. Sports events
  5. Networking events
  6. House parties
  7. Work

Most Christian, single women, would love to meet their spouse or partner in the church; but that is rare because most, single men, in church are using the church as their watering hole!

Bars are the most popular place for, single women under 40,  to meet a man; but here is some, dating advice. Bars have become hookup places for casual sex with no commitment; but in every scenario there are exceptions to the rule and you can, find love,  at a bar.

My daughter had the perfect combination, she met her Fiancé in a club; but he was also from her church!

I met my husband on a train. He was the officer who checked for tickets. The train is definitely not a watering hole; but soul mates will attract each other like a magnet in any place. Gas stations, parking lots, grocery stores, bus stop, anywhere!

I have met past boyfriends at a car wash, by friend introduction, Dance club, school, bus stop, train, and work and they were all committed relationships.

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Finding love again, on Dating Sites

The newest place for, single women, to meet, single men, now are dating sites. The good thing about dating sites is that everyone on the site has the same goal, to meet a partner, or to start, dating, again.

As a realtor I love FSBO (For sale by owner) because they already want to sell their homes.  I don't have to convince them to sell, only that I am the right agent to sell their homes. Same with the dating site. You don't have to convince anyone to have a committed relationship, only that you are the one they are looking for.

Dating sites are tough if you are, finding love after a heartbreak, because it would be hard to trust. They are great for, single women over 50, because these women are not in the clubs or other social events.  They are home on their computers.

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My co-host today is Arifah Yusuf, a registered social worker and mental health counselor.

Arifah from a mental health perspective what can, single women, do to make sure they are sending the right vibes to a potential mate? Let’s say they meet someone at one of the many watering holes?

  • It’s really challenging sometimes, when it comes to giving off the right vibes, as different people enter spaces with their own intentions and interest.  It’s important for those that identify as women, to be mindful of their expectations and also have personal boundaries for themselves and others, so when engaging in conversations with, single men,  they can better be aware of the right vibes vs negative vibes, from themselves and others interacting with.  Some key tips, I would give are:
  • Before you try, finding love again, get to know yourself first and understand your past relationships (what worked/ didn’t work). This will help you get ready for a relationship, as you will be better able to recognize what you are looking for and if that relates to signs of a healthy relationship.
  • Some,  dating advice, Go to spaces where you may find someone with similar interest like you, somewhere that you feel comfortable and exudes positive energy. Most likely, you will attract  like minded, single men,   that will give off similar positive energy.
  • Be assertive and clear when communicating. Engage in conversations to discover common interest, identify personal traits.
  • When, dating, be open to new experiences.
  • Know your boundaries and if you feel someone is not respecting them, have your exit and safety plan ready.

These are some of the, dating advice, I would tell  my, single women, clients to keep in mind when thinking about meeting a, single man.

Where did you meet your husband?

  • Arifah says she met her  husband Kevin Mortley while I was working in the entertainment industry as a promoter.  He was also involved in the industry, promoting concerts for artist, and a graphic designer.  He reached out to me online and we had a conversation over the phone.

How do, Single Women, prepare, Love's House?

Almost 20 years ago, I read a book by Iyanla Vanzant called” In the meantime, finding yourself and the love you want”

The concept of this book is prepare yourself and your life for love while waiting in, Love's House.

One of the first things I remembered she said was to,

  • Start by living your, single life, like you are already in a relationship.
  • Park on your side in the driveway or garage,
  • Sleep on your side of the bed. Etc.
  • Let the Laws of Attraction work on, finding love again.

You are making room for a partner. But the synopsis of the book is to look at your, single life,  as a 3 story house, complete with a basement and an attic.

She calls this house, Love's House. Loving yourself in the meantime while you are waiting on, finding love again.

In the basement of, Love’s House, you are pretty miserable. You are hurting, lonely and disillusioned. Your emotions are blame, anger, and fear. But the basement is also a place for healing. For understanding yourself. If you don't fix yourself in the basement, you will carry that baggage and hurt into your next relationship.

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Arifah how do you help, single women, heal from hurt and blame?

  • Finding love after heartbreak, first fdentify and validate the pain.
  • Express yourself –Talking to a trust friend, family member or counselor is often a good way to soothe painful emotions and support healing.
  • Self care – take a break and find time for things you enjoy or would like to try (creative activities, manicure, hairstyles, movies, journaling, baking etc.)
  • Learn from it – An attitude of learning will help you discover value in the experience. You may also discover a curious new freedom: recovering from an emotional trauma or heartbreak makes you stronger, wiser and more resilient.
  • Reinvest in your new reality. Set goals and write down the steps and supports you need to begin working on them. Spark new energy and interests into your life, to find purpose and love of something else.

On the first floor of , Love's House, you are no longer miserable and is able to look objectively at why you attract the people in your life that you do. Who are let’s say are emotionally unavailable, abusive, unsupportive etc.

On the second floor of, Love's House, single women, Love’s house is where you change the dialog from victim to player. You educate yourself to play. You read books on, finding love again, you listen to podcasts on relationships, you start improving yourself, you become the picture card that everyone man wants.

The most important, dating advice  for, single women, on the second floor is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are enough and any man should be happy to have you. Say it until you believe it if you need convincing.

The third floor of, Love's House,  is when, single women,  are living the, single life, and loving who you are as a, single woman. Content with herself, whole, needing no man to complete her. She is confident, self-sufficient,  courageous and beautiful inside and out.

The top floor is the Attic

In the attic, single women, showers themselves with unconditional Love. Single women over 40,  are able to receive the love of, single men. This is where you will begin to attract the perfect partner because negativity, does not live here.

You know what you want and, who you seek is also seeking you!

Podbean Transform your Mind Podcast

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Arifah What, dating advice, you have for, single women, through the phases  of finding themselves in, love's house.

  • Make sense of your past

In order to thing about, finding love, first uncover who we are and why we act the way we do, we have to know our own story 

  • Differentiate

Differentiation refers to the process of striving to develop a sense of ourselves as independent individuals. In order to find ourselves and fulfill our unique destinies, we must differentiate from destructive interpersonal, familial and societal influences that don’t serve us.

  • Seek meaning

In order to find ourselves and, finding love after a heartbreak, we must all seek out our own personal sense of purpose. This means separating our own point of view from other people’s expectations of us. It means asking ourselves what our values are, what truly matters to us, then following the principles we believe in.

  • Recognize your personal power when, finding love again

When we know what we want, we are challenged to take power over our lives.   We are accepting ourselves as a powerful player in our own destiny. Harnessing our personal power is essential to both finding and becoming ourselves

  • Single women over 50, must silence their critical inner thoughts

This destructive thought process can be made up of a judgmental attitude that tells us we aren’t good enough to succeed or don’t deserve what we want or a soothing-seeming attitude that tells us we don’t have to try or that we need to be taken care of or controlled.

  • Know the value of friendship with, single men

We can seek out people who make us happy, who support what lights us up and who inspire us to feel passionate about our lives. Being friends while, dating, gives you the opportunity to learn things about the person that you may not have learned otherwise

Story of a, single woman, finding love after a heartbreak

In the last episode, I mentioned that I would love the listeners to join my Life coach group on Facebook.  They could ask questions and have myself and other members give them, dating advise.

Here is a question from Mari.  Her husband died last year and she wants, dating advice,  on how to start over. What should she look for in a mate?

As a, life coach, I think that, single women,  starting over or starting out, dating, again should have a list of what they want in a man.

  • It should go deeper than tall, dark and handsome!
  • You should have common interests,
  • be equally yoked,
  • have the same standard of living,
  • same religion,
  • similar sex drive.
  • The list could be lengthy and you are not going to get every thing on  your list but you are shooting for 80%.

Arifah What's your, Dating Advice, for Mari

Hi Mari, its never easy after a significant loss, or, finding love after heartbreak. There is no starting over, as your husband will still play a role in your lifestory. Moving forward, you want to know what type of role that will be, maybe its pictures in a photo album or another memory keepsake. You need to figure this out, before you move forward, as sometimes we feel guilty, which is normal; but its apart of the grieving process, allow yourself to acknowledge that is what it is and determine what new reality are you hoping for in seeking a mate.

You can start with figuring out what you want, create a love resume for yourself in terms of what would characteristics, interests, you are looking for in that, single man.  Once that's done, you are half way there to having a mindset and discovering possible spaces or friends your potential mate may visit.

I also got a question on my website. www.myhelps.com/contactus

No Fear : How to Live with Courage

This is a question from our last episode. We talked about fear and courage in our last episode.

How Do I handle the fear of, Dating, Steffy from India. Writes.

All I know is that I've a great fear. I've some kind of burden in my mind and I am not able to figure it out. I am a, single man,  I wake up in the middle of night and I have these panic attacks and stuff, tried meditation; but I am not able to concentrate. I need advice on, dating. Finding love again. The more I try the more I lose my hopes and start feeling worthless. Please help.

Since this is a mental health question I will let Arifah answer this one.

Hi Steffy, thank you for sharing your lived experience with fear.  It sounds like it is impacting your daily routine and ability to accomplish meaningful goals, such as, finding love. I want to say its common for people that are experiencing anxiety to lose hope, but you not worthless and help is available.

It may be helpful to monitor your daily routine and meals for the day, for example, stress/sugar and caffeine can increase anxiety.   Make an appointment to see your family doctor or at a clinic if you are able too, to share how you are feeling emotionally and physically.  Your doctor can provide professional advice to best help you.

In regards to fear of speaking to, single women, it’s helpful to practice writing down what you want to say, then reading it to yourself out loud or in front a mirror.  If you have friends/family you feel comfortable around and that are supportive, you can also practice public speaking in front of them first to get comfortable before larger crowds.

Breathing exercises and drinking water/herbal teas can be helpful in calming the nerves.  As well, watching videos or reading books from motivational speakers, that may offer tips you may find helpful.

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Additional Resources

How I Divorced My Imaginary Husband (and Got the Man of My Dreams)

No Fear : How to Live with Courage

https://myhelps.us/surviving-r-kelly-mindset-sexual-predator/

How to Heal Your Brokenness

https://news.abs-cbn.com/entertainment/03/28/17/erich-gonzales-im-enjoying-my-single-life

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/05/the-reality-of-life-as-a-single-mom/

https://www.scarymommy.com/dating-a-single-mom/

 

What Men Want In A Woman

Andre Paradis, relationship coach, shares insights on, what men want, and how to revert back to nature and polarity to make our relationships work. If you want to know how to have healthy fulfilling long-term relationships, listen to the end. What men want, is a woman who is sweet and lovely and warm and, feminine, and attractive and magnetic. 

Download the podcast here: 

https://pdcn.co/e/https://chrt.fm/track/897G7/www.buzzsprout.com/1761155/11136662-what-men-want-in-a-woman.mp3?download=true

Bio

Andre Paradis, is a Relationship Coach, NLP Coach, Educator of Effective Communications, Published Writer, Public Speaker, and Ordained Minister. Andre Grew up in Canada, and while on vacation in Los Angeles he was scouted and became a professional dancer. He has danced with legends including Michael Jackson, Prince, Paula Abdul, Julio Eglesias to name a few.

He then attended a workshop called “Understanding Women” in 2006 and started studying with some of the biggest relationship masters (Dr. Pat Allen, Dr. Esther Perel, Dr. John Gray, Shantie Feldhan and Alison Armstrong). He started sharing his knowledge with friends and family. He saw that this knowledge actually helped people lead happier lives with the people they love. He found his purpose in life… The Big Calling deep inside him. He then sold his successful Auto Shop and launched Project Equinox Coaching to help men and women learn to build stronger long lasting and healthy Love relationships. For some clients, He even officiate their weddings.

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Men are from Mars Women are from Venus 

Myrna: I have a question about a book that I've read and I still have in my library.  You said that you studied under Dr. John Gray who wrote the book. Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. What did you learn from studying with Dr. Gray about women?

Andre: Well, the bulk of his work has changed since the beginning from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Dr Grey now explores men or women differences, like how we respond or act differently. What motivates a woman and what motivates a man and vice versa. The past 10 years though, the bulk of his work became the chemistry of our bodies that creates the behaviors that we do. So how does, estrogen, and, testosterone, affect our physiology.

A man's brain is full of, testosterone, the structure of his brain is similar to a woman, but the main mechanism is different, because it functions on a different fuel.  This creates all kinds of behaviors, reactions, ways of operating and the, Hunter brain. The, Hunter brain, is about, conquering, competing, fighting, pushing, penetrating, you know, control everything that's in, Hunter brain. That's the paradigm of, testosterone, chemistry.

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Women's brains are soaked in Estrogen 

So that's what’s Dr Grey’s work in past 10 years was all about that. The innate differences explained through chemistry. And for the lady is same thing similar brain soaked in, estrogen, creating a whole different machine, a whole different engine, with behaviors, reactions, temperament, blah, blah, blah. In our culture right now, everybody's about equality, so understanding the beginning of equality, the, feminist movement, equal rights equal pay equal opportunity, is important.

With equality a man should be more, feminine, more feminized, more vulnerable, more talkative, more sweet, more sensitive, to be a good man.  A woman should be strong, independent, powerful at all costs, in order for her to be valued and valuable in the world. Well, there's a big huge price to pay for these shifts that are not natural. Everything I teach is Nature and Science and not my opinion. So, if you go back to nature, these things don't work very well.

If you consider now that relationships are the hardest thing for people to attain and sustain, where it should be the easiest because we have equality now, right? Well, no, the reason for this is what I teach. What's happening out there is women are more miserable. The women in our culture for the past 15 years, almost 20 years now actually, are more unhappy than ever in the entire history of mankind.

Myrna: That’s because they can't find a man.

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Why women can't find a man 

Andre: And why is that right back to the same thing I'm talking about earlier. I'm so busy because my clients call me because they're realizing they're being sold a lemon that's exactly how they put it. They tell me I am a badass but that gets me absolutely nowhere with a man. Men don't ask me out and if I manage to get a date, he smiles and goes nice to meet you and I never see him again. I can't get past the first date. What is wrong with me? Like what is what's wrong with me? The answer is you're, masculinized, you're too manly for a man.  

Myrna: I have so much circle backs in that don't get too far. When you were talking about the men and the woman, how the man is the hunter personality with the, testosterone, and the woman is supposed to be, feminine, but now women are bad asses and are not, feminine. So, the  question I have, is that why there's a rise in, lesbian and gay relationships?  Is that is the reason that those kind of relationships are blossoming, because at least you've got the same, estrogen, and, testosterone, levels.

Andre: Yeah, well, not the way you think. And I think if I'm reading your mind a little bit here right now, it's not quite that because men have always understood men better than their women. And the same with women, they understand each other better than men.  But throughout history, that's actually the, polarity, that brought men and women together. So, that is not the problem. What is happening, is culture if we are going to peel the onion back.

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Latch Key Kids can't form relationships as adults 

We have, latch key kids, who were not nurtured as kids so they can’t form relationships as adults. When you have children, babies, infants, toddlers, young people, young kids unable to bond with their own parents, they become anxious as far as in the relationship, anxious or avoidant in relationships. They've never been bonded to somebody who loves them, so they feel abandoned.  The anxiety of puberty makes it even worse, and they will become young people who cannot create healthy bonds.

They just can't do it. Now what happens we talk about, gay and lesbian relationships, in the news, that new wave. A young girl needs so much nurturing connection emotionally, the, feminine, for mother, the young women who went without being with her mother will do it later in life with another woman.  For men it’s a little bit different for men they turn into the part of them that's missing.

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Why men don't want badass women 

Myrna: Is it true that's, badass women immediately get disqualified because she's gonna throw the fact that she makes more money than him in a man’s  face?  

Andre: You know, I'm sorry, but it's more energetic than that. If you're gonna be a, badass woman, and be a pain in the ass about it, like you push it in my face. That you are better than me. That is not the energy that men are looking for from women.  That's a man on man. I always say ladies when you can be, badass, but if you're gonna throw your balls in my face, we're gonna have a problem. And that's what, badass women, do put their balls in everybody's face. They're so proud which is fine.

You can be proud of what you do, but when you lead with that, you're more, masculine, than, feminine. You're actually arrogant a lot of times, and for sure you're irritating. Absolutely freaking irritating. If you think men like to be irritated by women, this is not why they want to date you. They want to date you because you're sweet and lovely and warm and, feminine, and attractive and magnetic. Not irritating, not pushy, not controlling, not in my face. Not sitting there like go ahead, prove it your way.

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Google Podcast Transform Your Mind
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Men don't want women with bigger balls than them 

So my clients, when they find out that men aren't finding them attractive and don't ask them out, they feel completely invisible.  This is because your, balls, are bigger than his and that's irritating and off putting. You can have, balls, all you want, you need to be, masculine, to create anything to make money, but I say leave them, balls, in your desk drawer. When you get home and in public, you'd have to be a woman to attract men, otherwise they don't see you, you become invisible to men.

Myrna: So, the answer to that question is not all women that are making money and are, badass, just the ones that are throwing their, balls,  in a man's face and leading with, masculinity.

Podbean Transform your Mind Podcast
Podbean

What men want in a women 

What do men want? You said that one, a man wants a woman that's, feminine.  Let's also touch on equality. Does a man want a woman that's making as much money as him? By the way, when I asked my husband that question, he says, I can become a kept man but not If you're gonna throw it in my face.  

Andre: In my world, you could have a penis and not be a man. I believe there are three types of men:

  1. The real man: They know who they are. They know, what men want. They hold themselves accountable for everything; they have character. They have competence, you can't mess with them. You can't fuck with them. You can't derail them.  They're solid, they're strong. You can count on them all that stuff.
  2. The second type of man  is that guy who’s man enough to have a job, but it's a little job, he's not gonna have a good car, he drives a little shitty car and lives in the basement of his mother's house or he's got three roommates. No girlfriend and is silly. So, these guys are messy enough to do life. Small but okay. Except when it comes to women, they don't want to ask you out. They acquiesce and want to do whatever movie you want to go see. They are not sure, what men want. 
  3. The third kind of man are boys, they are passive and, feminine. They don't want to work. They want you to work. They're so happy that they are not paying for anything. They don't want to work, they're allergic to work.  They're offended when you say, just man up. They look like boys.  They're often very pretty because they are, feminine and want to attract women with their bodies. Their looks are lean and sexy. They absolutely don't know, what men want. 
Transform your Mind Stitcher
Transform your Mind Stitcher

What men want: A feminine woman

We now raise men to be not, masculine, but soft, sensitive, passive, and that’s toxic.  A real man scoops women up and say hey, I'm taking you out to dinner, seven o'clock and wear some good shoes, because we are going salsa dancing afterwards.  But we shame them out of this. We say that's pushy.

What men want, is a, feminine woman. A, feminine woman, want a, masculine man. They don't want boys. Men that are boys are so smooth, they’ll tell you everything you want to hear in three days after meeting them! Oh, I think I found the one of my life, you are the one. So, he says all the right things for the first five or six weeks you finally think oh my God he is my soul mate.

He listens to me. He's curious about me I have someone to talk to.  Next, you know, he's like moving to your house, borrowing your car because he can't afford to fix his piece of shit. You're walking his dog because he won't do it. You're lending him money that he promised to pay back, but he never does. You're working two jobs while he's sitting on the couch smoking a joint and spooning the dog.  

Myrna: You're talking such truth! How do you get out of that relationship? Kick them to the curb?

Transform your Mind Spotify Podcast
Download on Spotify

What men want, not a masculine woman 

Andre: The terrible thing about this whole situation is when you, masculinize, women, this is the type of men they attract. They attract boys. I teach nature, it's all about, polarity. Opposites attract. We know this about everything. Right? Two magnets, positive and negative, try to push two positive magnets together, right? It doesn’t work. The, masculine man, is strong, independent, powerful, conquering, controlling, pushy, fighting, all that stuff and he attracts the, feminine woman, who is more passive. Because she's smaller and weaker, more passive and she needs a big strong guy.

 It's the same all over nature. Like everything. There's a, polarity, there's two different pieces of a puzzle. that come together to complete a good dynamic. When a woman is more, masculine, and she's stuck there because of her up bringing or her culture. Her mother telling her you don't need that man. You can’t depend on men, so make sure you're independent and strong and get your own.  So, when you raise, masculine women, that's what you attract, boys.

Transform your mind iTunes Podcast iTunes
Download on iTunes

The Badass woman: can she become feminine and get a man 

All my clients that are strong, independent, powerful and they're, badass women, and they're so proud of it, are in relationships with boys, one after the other.  So, if you want a, masculine man, to provide, and protect, you have to be the opposite, feminine, to the core. I help my clients, we do actually get them from being too, masculine, after having neglected their, femininity, typically started in childhood. It's always something that started in childhood. And we're just going to calibrated them here.

Myrna: What do you tell them to do? How do you help them become more, feminine?

Andre: So how does a woman to be more, feminine?

Andre: That is simple and it's individual for all and there's plenty layers in this and the more you do it the more you get practice. The, masculine, is to be in your head and, feminine, is to be in your heart and your body. Masculine women, are stuck in their head and everything warm, radiant, lovely about them is out the window. Masculine men, live in their head we're not in our hearts naturally. Right? We have to be logical and conquerors and fighters, we can't think about how we feel.

Doesn't matter how you feel. It needs to be done. How many times have you heard me say that? We care how you feel. It has to be done. Right?

Feminine, it’s about how you feel. Anything that makes you feel good, right?  If you feel sexy, you're sexy.

Transform your Mind TuneIn Radio
TuneIn Radio

What men want: to prove that he is the best suitor  

Myrna: Does, sex, too early in a relationship prevents building a healthy long term love relationship? Women my age were always told by their grandparents don't give it away.

Why would a guy pay for the cow when he already got milk?

Andre: That's another long answer, but I'm gonna try to keep it short.  But again, its nature. In a nutshell, a woman's body and, sexuality, is her currency. Back in the days, men went towards building character, building their businesses, building their finances, so that they were adequate to call on women. They would compete against each other to be the top suitor for the best women. The guy who's got more resources has more choices. But older men became more attractive on some level, because they have more power, they have more resources, they have more assets.

Men had to build themselves up to be competitive enough to be the chosen one by a good woman.  A, feminine woman, would let herself be wooed by him, but they would not cross the line into, sexuality, until he was committed. Because, sex, that's her currency. Right? You want a good woman? You gotta be good, man. When you throw that out the window, now a man doesn’t have to work for it. This is part of what's happening in our culture. Again, not my opinion, just facts. When women give away their bodies for dinner this is what happens.

Transform Your Mind iHeart Radio
iHeart Radio

What men want: A woman they can trust 

You meet a guy, you date him once, twice, three times. He like, let's roll. The women think that starts intimacy. The reality is for men, that killed it. Why does early, sex,  kill a long term relationship? Because in nature, he has to prove himself that he is good guy, that he's got character, he's got to impress her.  

And now he gets picked with almost no effort. He buys dinner three times and women put out. He's thinking I can't trust this woman. Now again, this is not a thought process is the limbic brain, the lizard brain saying, I can't trust this chick because she'll sleep with anybody. I didn't have to do anything to get her to sleep with me.

Women sleep with men because they feel it will make them his girlfriend but no amount of, sex, ever convince a man to commit to a woman. That's not it. It's the opposite.

Myrna: Let me let me interrupt that one because I've heard that men don't trust a woman if she sleeps with him on the first date. I think that they're almost expecting to sleep with you after three dates or three weeks.

Andre: You could change the rules, but it's still not working.  That's never going to work. It's never worked. And it's the worst when nobody's getting married.

Conclusion

Connect with Andre on the web:

My storyhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33PM5ehssWM

Website:www.projectequinox.net
FB Page: Project Equinox with Andre Paradis  
https://www.facebook.com/Project-Equinox-272490668761/

FB Private Group for Ladies – Freehttps://www.facebook.com/search/top?q=dating%20and%20relationship%20insights

YouTube: Project Equinox with Andre Paradishttps://www.youtube.com/channel/UCc-n26dzlCN0dcAXgubSjGQ

Additional Resources 

How to Embrace Female Sexuality and the Divine Feminine

Building Relationships With Relational Mindfulness

Relational mindfulness, is the humanistic practice of compassionately relating to others, with an open mind and mutual respect. By putting aside your own beliefs and judgments, you can better empathize and understand others from their perspective.

Download the podcast here:

https://pdcn.co/e/https://chrt.fm/track/897G7/www.buzzsprout.com/1761155/10971762-building-relationships-with-relational-mindfulness.mp3?download=true

Bio

Shari Foos is a Marriage and Family Therapist, adjunct professor and the creator of The Narrative Method, a California 501c3 non-profit organization. Part of the Human Connection movement, TNM creates programs, products and experiences that address the growing isolation and need for real connection through sharing stories. Foos also co-founded the Bridge in 1999, a free humanities program for low-income adults at Antioch University Los Angeles. She received a MS in Narrative Medicine from Columbia University and a MA in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles.

As a sought-after expert on the subject of, relationships, remote group dynamics and meaningful connection, her writing and commentary have appeared in a range of online and print publications and podcasts, including Real SimpleHuffington Post, Women’s Health, KBLA, Fatherly, Thrive Global, Shondaland, The LA Weekly, Sparks & Honey Culture Briefings, Sondership, Let Pleasure be The Measure, and Bustle. Ms. Foos serves on the board of the City Kids Foundation and is the recipient of the New Directions for Veterans Community Hero Award (2015) and The Antioch University Los Angeles Lifetime Achievement Award (2016).

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Childhood trauma affects our adult relationships

Shari: I do think every one of us has had, trauma, different degrees, but we certainly all know the feeling of loss or shame or humiliation, or unfair treatment etc. I think of emotions like a piano with all of the keys, we have all of them to different extents at different times. But even if we don't always use those really high notes or the low, low, low, notes, they're there and that serves as our empathy. And because of that, we can sit with someone who's going through something terrible that maybe in our day-to-day life, we've never experienced, but we can feel it in our soul because it's a human experience.

When we put ourselves aside to be truly present and available with our lovingness acceptance or non-judgment or empathy, to hear someone's story, from their perspective, not our judgment or assumptions. That person feels better. No matter what the problem is, they feel better, because without being heard, we go crazy, that is all part of, relational mindfulness.

When someone comes to you who you love, and they're really excited about something and you're so excited with them, that’s when you are aligned, right? You are, head-to-head, heart to heart. That's easy. But when somebody comes to you, with a complexity that you have a lot of feelings about whether it's addiction or someone's choice of spouse or whatever that may be. It's more difficult. And that's why we practice awareness, wonder, empathy that is called, AWE, or, relational mindfulness.

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Building relational mindfulness with AWE

Myrna: Exactly. And here's where I think it's going to lead into something else, I know you're interested in, which is, relational mindfulness.

You had a bad childhood bridge, the gap for us. How did you go from having a bad childhood to being a therapist, and a, marriage therapist? Did it have something to do with your parents’ marriage?

Shari: Well, yeah, that wasn't very good, my father was a rageaholic and it was at a time where even more so than now, there was a lack of understanding about, mental health. And so, he wouldn't seek treatment and it just wasn't in the mentality of people then. So as a result of my having a childhood in which I was wounded, and on top of that, I was never heard or seen, you know, and it's not uncommon. Lots of people grow up like that, but don't know that it could be better. So, I was fortunate in that I had friends and I would go to their houses and see like, Wait a minute. This is different from my house.

I watched Leave It to Beaver, where the father would, talk, about it in the library. Our family definitely didn't have talks.  As a result, and probably because of who I came in as into the world, I've just always been incredibly passionate about what makes people feel behave. So, I would study my father,  the sweat on his upper lip, depending on what was happening there. I knew he was about to blow, and that's when I got interested in, body language. 

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Relational mindfulness starts with reading body language

Myrna: That is excellent on so many levels. One, let's, talk, about the, talk, issue. I mean, I love that, when I'm talking to someone on the show, I can always bring in personal experience.  I read a lot of books, I listen to podcasts and watch television shows.  Just yesterday, I was watching of all things Reba, where the it was meant to be comedy, but Van was talking to Reba about her relationship with her daughter and he says, you guys do something called, talk!

And that was so funny. And that's basically what you're just saying. You went to other places and saw people actually talking and there was no talking going on in your house. So, you're right, about your, childhood trauma. Everything starts from there. In fact, I was even reading this book yesterday and it says that every child goes through some kind of emotional damage, even the ones that think they had a great, childhood.

So, talk to us now about, relational mindfulness, and how this, awareness, builds, relationships.  You know, a lot of times men has moods, and women have moods, and being aware of when they're going into a mood or something could be, relational mindfulness.

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Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora
Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora

Talking is the start of communication

Shari: Right, that's a great concept. And it's a great question. Here's again, I know it's a new word. It's gonna take a while to sink in. But that talking thing, talk, talk, whatever. When you live with someone, you don't have to consciously think whoa, his shoulders are slumped or, her bottom lip is really pouty  but there is a tremendous value in our being able to break down the, communication, the nuanced, communication, that is silent, because it's one thing that we rely on we rely on it not just for survival.

That's what lovemaking is. And that's what disconnecting is. So, here's, here's a good thing that you may do consciously or unconsciously, but you could see that the other persons in a bad mood, and then maybe it triggers you to think, Oh, great. Now I got to take care of you. You know, I have some needs too, but had you been able to, talk, to the person you both might have found out what was going on with each other? Here's the number one thing to do. It's so easy. If you need to have a serious, talk, because when we, talk, about, relational mindfulness, it's a very deliberate action.

It would be really hard to live in that 24/7 You know, but it's a state of hyper awareness. Of the impact of your words, settled communications, as well as the other person's. And the idea is you never begin a conversation like that, unless both people in this moment feel willing to be selfless and take turns listening.

And it's okay. It's gotta be okay if the persons not there. Because we know that sometimes they'll say, okay, I'll talk about something. And if your heart isn't into it, and a person is asking you to really look at it from my perspective, if there's resistance, it's not a good time to talk about it. It's okay, let's wait.  That's, relational mindfulness.

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Relational mindfulness builds deeper connections

Honestly, you could cancel out so many problems with, relational mindfulness. It's just good to hear for 20 minutes five minutes, whatever. Would you be willing to have a session of all where we're both agreeing to mutual respect, awareness, wonder and empathy, taking turns sharing our feelings and then reflecting them back to the other person.

Reflecting them back in the storyteller, making sure that they've got it right. And lovingly, of course, correcting each other, then we've got it right. Now we can move on to another point that the same person estimate or the other person can share their perspective, but constantly check in because it's a lot to put yourself aside, especially when somebody is saying things that like, you know, 10 minutes ago.

Wait a minute. I don't agree with that. So, one thing I often will do for myself is I'll keep a little pen and paper just so that I can get something off my mind. I don't even have to look at it to scribble it.

Or ask the person to stop, but everybody realizes that this is a very focused state that is difficult to maintain. There are times we maintain it for a long time, especially for meeting somebody new who may not be pushing our buttons the way our spouse does, but who out there has or has had a spouse has never felt like I've told you that a million times before.

I mean, if they had said what they thought they had said, you would have heard it. The problem is either in the delivery or the receiving, let's find out. Let's find out with the, communication.

Transform Your Mind Amazon
Transform Your Mind Amazon

Awareness wonder and empathy

Myrna: That's a good point. So, you're saying when they say that I've told you a million times, they've said it in their heads but not to you?

Shari: Or the way that they're articulating it? isn't getting through to you.  A lot of times, they're saying the words but their body action is not is not conveying the message, and the receiver doesn't actually believe it.

Myrna: So that's great. But I want to circle back to something you said there where you're right sometimes is not the right time to ask somebody to talk or ask somebody to get into. I like that, you know, awareness, wonder, and, empathy. I normally work with energy, because I can feel, energy. And I know when it's not the right time because of, energy. How do you respond with that?

Shari: Well, I think there are two factors for me in terms of reading someone else. One is certain things are obvious. For instance, if someone's crying, you don't necessarily know right off the bat, why the person is crying, or if they're crying for joy or sadness. You soon see the difference. But we can misinterpret someone because of the way they think about something.

So even though I pay attention to my instincts, I always check in so you know if I see someone's upset and I feel like they want to be alone, I still want to say I don't know what's going on. I don't know if you want to, talk, about it, but I want you to know I'm here for you or I want you to know I'm so sorry I have to leave or whatever is true for you.

Myrna: I like that, because sometimes you see something and there's one and why are you bothering me? If you're saying you're just checking in, I don't know if you want to, talk, about it or not. That's good, but I'm just checking in let me know when you want to, talk, or something like that.

Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM
Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM

What is relational mindfulness

We're touching a lot of stuff on, relational mindfulness. How would you describe, relational mindfulness?

Shari: Relational mindfulness, is the humanistic practice of compassionately relating to others, with an open mind and mutual respect. By putting aside your own beliefs and judgments, you can better empathize and understand others from their perspective. And that's really what it is. So, the idea is, we take turns, especially if we're having a problem with each other, we've already tried both talking at the same time.

And I know, we both know, we're right, but I'm right. Okay, we've done that. And at some point, we may get to a place where we decide I'd rather communicate than be right sometimes I'd rather apologize can be right, because if you perceive that my action, or behavior, or style or subtle communication was offensive, it doesn't really matter. If that was my intention. I am sorry. I'm especially sorry, that wasn't my intention.

Google Podcast Transform Your Mind
Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

How does awareness wonder and empathy deepen relationships

Myrna: How do you think that, awareness, wonder, and, empathy, deepens, relationships?  What does the science say?

Shari: Well, first of all, one thing that connects our brains is, eye contact, which we can accomplish online which is amazing. Our, eye contact, connects us, syncs our brains. And if we were in MRI machines, you will see our brains are lit up in the same place. But if our backs are to each other, first of all, we don't know what expression is on someone's face.

Maybe their faces are mean. If you're at some level of aggravation, it’s a good time to not have an, AWE, session. Take care of yourself first, run around the block, take a shower, ask for a hug if you're able, you know, but we need to do what we can do to kind of get our homeostasis back. I suggest to people this self-soothing tool that you can do any place at any time. You take your dominant hand, put it on your heart, and when you really start feeling your heartbeat, you let your hand take comfort from that and vice versa. So, it's a loop of calm. I don't know exactly how I'm going to deal with this moment.

Conclusion

Myrna: Tell us about your company The Narrative Method.

Shari: This is the organization I founded in 2014. And it is devoted to bringing together people from completely different backgrounds to connect through sharing the stories of their lives and creative experiences. So, as I mentioned earlier, we do writing groups that are for free on online and they last one hour. You write for a total of 20 minutes, you see pictures, you get prompts. You go into breakouts; you share your stories. At the end, we do this mosaic where everybody pitches in one sentence. One hour, in and out.

Nobody has writer's block. Nobody's judged, nobody's wrong. There's no mistakes possible. People have a blast with themselves, because we're really working on how to turn on your creative faucet without that voice inside that says how many.  And then the conversation groups which we do on Thursday nights are a matter of seeing compelling videos about anything.

Then getting a prompt and going into breakouts and sharing a story that just came up as a result of those things. And so, people get to know each other because there's no small talk. And it's fascinating to hear, not just another person's story, but whoa, that made you think of this? It's fascinating. It's so cool. We offer those free. We have classes, we do trainings. The website is www.thenarrativemethod.org

https://youtu.be/56vHerZMDlk
Additional Resources

Nothing is Impossible: How to Turn Life's Challenges Into Opportunity

Finding Love The Second Time Around

Today my guest is Ms Patricia Fuqua. Patricia is a best-selling author, award-winning motivational speaker, and relationship expert, specializing in, second time around, today we're going be talking on the topic “How to find your diamond the, second time around,” I am going to enjoy talking to you because I've been around more than twice!

Bio

Let me tell you more about my guest Ms Patricia Fuqua. Patricia is the founder
of Dating Diamonds, a service that empowers women to meet the right man the, second time around. She is the creator of the “First Date the Soulmate Program” and since she has helped over 500 women meet the right man by designing a personalized plan. She helps them implement that plan. She's polished the art of relationship in her 40 year marriage to her, soulmate, husband.

Her strategy benefits men too, after all the more knowledge you have the more you can thrive. Her clients can be found in major cities including Sydney, Washington DC, Sacramento and San Francisco. She mentors women to use the story of their lives to create the relationship they choose the second time around. Patricia has her master's degree in American literature and an adult IDI
credential from San Francisco State University.
She holds coaching credentials from the Academy of Excellence and the
Windless Institute. She is a certified matchmaker with the matchmaker Institute and, second time around, coach.

Patricia also produced and hosted the TV show called the Patricia Fuqua show, a platform for using intuitive and spiritual practices as guides for better
relationships.

How to find your diamond the second time around

Well Patricia that is a very excellent Bio, it covers a lot of territory.
I always like to start off my show asking my guests of their journey to this point in their career. Can you talk about your journey to becoming a relationship expert and author specializing in the, second time around? I know that you've been married for years and I need to say congratulations right off the top because that is quite an accomplishment; but how did you transcend your own relationship to becoming a coach?

Patricia: Well, now I've honed and polished my communication skills; but it wasn't always this way. There was a time in my marriage when I
was depressed because I was juggling career and the needs of young children
and my husband. I got really depressed because I was really feeling sorry for myself and then I got mad went into this deep funk. It wasn't until I discovered that I had the choice to be happy or to be sad that I started to turn myself around.

It wasn't my husband, it wasn't my children, it wasn't my job, it wasn't my life. It was the way I was looking at it so, when I discovered that I could be happy as a choice as well as being sad, I started to reach for better feeling thoughts, finding something good about everything and anytime somebody made me upset or I felt overwhelmed. I said okay so what's the silver lining here?

Helping women find love the second time around

I started to get answers and so as I discovered the power of choosing how I was going to feel about any situation or any person or relationship I said to myself this I have to share with the rest of the women in my life, because we could be so much happier if we only knew we could just choose to do it. I have the technique to show them so that's when I became inspired to start coaching women because I love happy people.

I just love being around happy people and helping them
learn to be happy the, second time around.  Helping them to have more love in their lives.
I always been a spiritual person studying spiritual practices, some people would say religion, and always I wanted to be in alignment with source, some people would say God, Universe, Higher Intelligence. There are many names
for that creator and so as a result that's how I started coaching. I started
saying well this is what I've learned about being happy and in love, so I'm
wanting to share this with you and we can personalize it for you so that you
too can have more love and happiness in your life.

And that one day that I had this record-breaking seminar for women, it was just like they were lined up around the table and down the aisles waiting to speak to me. I was just giving them these nuggets of wisdoms and, second time around, nuggets that I had come to from my reading from my study and they were walking away happy, so it was a great day.
It was it's one of those peak experiences.

We are all looking for happiness

Myrna: Wow that is awesome and you know a lot of people would go through that process and keep it all to themselves, so it's absolutely great that
you through that process realized that everything is better when you share.
That's an overstatement, everything is better when you share. God gives
you a testimony, so that you can share and you can encourage and it's really
profound that you had this really record-breaking experience of everybody
wanted a piece because you've hit on something.

Happiness, is a rare quality, even when you've got all you want
somehow a lot of people are still not happy and you know it's really
interesting; but I did an interview on this show with a monk
called Swami G about 2 years and this morning Facebook shared the memory.
I reposted, he was saying that happiness doesn't come from external
Sources, just like you have figured out it comes from inside and that's why you
know the Buddhist monks talk about enlightenment, because when you're
enlightened you know suffering and unhappiness doesn't come to you.

I woke up this morning with some heavy things going on in my
life and my children, and when I posted it. I said, I wish that
I myself can tap into that field today. I was meditating this morning from very early in the morning and it just didn't work because my mind was too busy. So, if you have gems that help people, that is why they're lined up because it's something that you know we all require at some point in time.

We don't have to be depressed but some days just knock you down. Good story so I'm glad that you were able to bottle your experiences to help others to get there as well. You touched on something as well about you being
very spiritual and connected to source. So my second question is how can other women use intuitive and spiritual practices as a guide for better relationships the, second time around?

Let's just add happiness on to that.

That’s the exciting part of my practice because when I'm sharing with women the seven principles that are in the book, Second Time Around,
meditation is number one and I'm glad that you're a meditator because even
when we feel that, oh my God my mind is so busy it didn't make a difference, it
does make a difference because you're quieting your mind,
and it can give you a different perspective on a situation.

I've learned over time that women need to or benefit from having a different
perspective on the situation, or relationship, and dating and love and
happiness because we can as a group, are very sensitive and emotional. Some
more than others, and when we can tap into that place where we're feeling not
as positive as we could and start to look at least one positive thing
about a situation, you recognize what they're feeling and to shift.

It's kind of like this morning you said you woke up with heavy feelings and the meditation didn't feel like it was making a difference, however if it ever entered your mind that oh well this is something I could be thankful for in this
situation, that is going to raise your emotional tone.
We get stronger at managing our feelings and eventually we get to the place where we can move more quickly up this emotional scale to happiness or at least optimism, and after meditation if you say to yourself oh well it wasn't
quite as bad as I thought because B and C is in place, you move up the scale.

You are correct, this morning I didn't come up with
any positives, but I came up with some guidance and that's basically what
happens when you quiet your mind right the Universe, God, your
Higher self gives you some guidance and some next steps.

What are you bringing to the table

Some of the other principles have to do with just mining. Like gold mining your own story to figure out what you really want to experience in relationship. Some women want to feel pampered and protected and privileged, and you know what is it each woman needs is to discover or to remind herself what she really wants to experience in relationship. Some women are very conventional and they like the idea of having a man play a man's role, do the man things in in the conventional sense, manage the house, take out the garbage,
that sort of thing.

Other women want somebody to plan their fun, so what is it that helps you feel the way you want to feel in relationship, that you would like that other person to be doing? That's one of the key principles, there are seven total principles we don't have time to go into them all now. Meditation to manage your own
thoughts and feelings. Now it your, second time around, what are you bringing to the table?

Awesome, alright so again we're touching on mindsets a little bit, so this is an interesting question for me to ask you because we're specifically talking here about the, second time around. Women who has been divorced, the woman is maybe in a committed relationship, maybe not necessarily married; but they're
starting over again and your mindset is very crucial because your mindset can
actually keep you from making this a positive experience.
So what mindset do you coach your women and men then that they have to develop when they're in the, second time around?

I have the attitude that there is a lid for every pot.

Know what you want the second time around

That's an old southern expression that means all they have to do is be very clear on the vision of what they want to experience and they will meet that person.
So those mindsets have to be in the present. If we're going to develop a relationship a, second time around, that is satisfying and that can last. Having a lid and every pot means that there's a match for you somewhere, and if you have a clear vision on the match you know as a coach as well any coaching whether it's for whatever you want just have a clear vision of it and that's the way you attract it to you.

I was thinking that is the most important mindset that they have to develop is that they have release the baggage of the last relationship. How do you feel about that?

It's important to be aware of the baggage of the last
relationship because it can be like a weight around your ankles pulling you
down and away from what you want. It's also important to be able to shift
that attitude that you might have developed, that feeling about
relationship or about the opposite gender that you had. The awareness the
self-awareness of knowing what that attitude is that's blocking you will
allow you to come up with an alternative, so that you can do the things, say the
things that will help you attract that clear vision that you have. That's the
lid for your pot so to speak.

Myrna: Like I said in the beginning of the podcasts, I've been around
the block several times myself and what I have found. To clarify I have been married like four times, what I have found is that a lot of times the baggage is
you come out of a relationship and there is a negative experience you make sure that there's not that a negative experience is not in your next partner;
but a lot of times you find something else right, so how do you coach women
around “hey I don't want to have a guy like that again kind of scenario?

Let the laws of attraction work for you

Patricia: I understand what you're saying and the Law of our Universe, some people call it the Law of Attraction but the way it's
set up is that it wants us to be happy that law is God in action or the
Universe in action or the Creator in action. We are put here to have fun
that's the point in the studies that I have had and so when we focus on what we really want the universe hears.

The trick becomes being able to manage your feelings and
your thoughts and your attitudes so that you're focusing on what you really want it doesn't understand anything except for what you spend the most time
thinking about, so if you're spending most of your time thinking about oh my
God that was the worst relationship ever, I never want to see a guy like that again! Well, that's what you're going to get more of or some variation, because you're spending so much time on it and that's what a Universe is answering.

That is the perfect answer because, yes that is exactly what happens.
That's why a lot of women go in relationships that are
almost the same because they keep attracting the same kind of man or the
same kind of relationship because they're saying well this is this is what
I don't want. Let's take an example of a cheater, this is what I don't want or
even an abusive relationship, and then you are cycling through those all the
time because they tell the universe what they don't want and that is exactly what shows up. I like what you said, whatever you spend time thinking about
whether it's what you don't want or what you do want then that's what's going to show up. Excellent answer.

Myrna: Who would you say is your ideal client?

My ideal client is a woman of experience and substance who has had more than one relationship, I used, second time around, because that's a very familiar expression; but she usually has raised her children, she's launched them into college or into the work world and she's comfortable in her career and in a single mom.

All these years I've been raising the kids I've been taking care of other people. I have a great social life; but where is my special partner? I like this woman. I prefer this as the ideal client although men in the situation my teachings work as well; because they have had enough variety and experience they know what they want through conversation and we can plan how their strategy is going to roll out and make it happen.

I shouldn't say make it happen but we can work with my spiritual principles so that they're very clear on what they want, they know how to manage their mindset, they know what they would prefer to experience, they're open to using these practices. Example: One of my clients was sitting at an
outside café in my little town here of Menlo Park one afternoon with her
college son who was home for the holiday and a man saw her at this outside café, parked his car came over to meet her.

She had been trained by me who had the strategy of being approachable, she looked radiantly beautiful; because I said honey anytime you go out you have got to look good. People are attracted by the visual. She was in line with that and so he came over sat down next to her as if he were her best friend they started chatting well as her calm was being the hostess and making him
feel comfortable; because she found out right away that he was her type of
guy. At the end of that short conversation, he passed his telephone
number to her on a napkin and said if you want to continue this just give me a
call, that was six years ago. They're still together.

It's about being clear, always being ready so you don't have to
get ready and being ready for who comes into your world; so that you can check them out and decide if you want to get to know them better.

Always be ready so do don't have to get ready

I love the last tagline. I think Will Smith says that best he says you
should always be ready cause if you're ready, you ain't got to get ready.
All right now let's get a little personal and transparent. I know
you've been happily married for over forty years
you talked in your BIO in your journey or your history that
there was a period of time when you were depressed, because you're doing so much, and your happiness came after you decided that you had
a choice and it was not your husband or your kids job to make
you happy.

I absolutely love that. I know this personally because that's the reason I'm finally happy. After running around and trying to find happiness by having other people give it to me, the reason I'm happy in my relationship
is because I meditate and I do me. I don't depend on anyone
else to be to make me happy. I make myself happy; but I saw this in
print the other day when Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck had left her. He
cheated on her with the nanny and I think she was having an interview and
she said point blank that it was not Ben's job to make sure that she was
happy. I'm sure a lot of people that are not in our space
wouldn't understand that; but I absolutely loved it.
So what would you say is the reason for your marital success?

Marital success second time around

Well marital success the, second time around, means also that there's a the dark side of it that there are some times that are not successful and after years there have been times where I haven't been successful at being happily married and so now that I am happily married, that I've gone through some things so the idea here is every situation that has conflict in it.

I have learned to ask myself what would you prefer here Patricia? And when I get the answer to that then I can get busy, I can start conversations. In the book, I'm leading women to go from “first date to soul mate” with these principles and it doesn't stop once you meet and develop the relationship with your soulmate, the conversations and the communication has to continue through the inevitable conflicts that happen between two people in an intimate personal relationship.

So as a result I've learned to use that very powerful question
“What would you prefer here Patricia?” That tells me that I
need to start doing my practices and asking that question.
What is it you want the man to do? What it is you
want the woman to do? We don't communicate what we want we just fight about it because we're expecting to be mind reader's.

As we wrap up our show today, Patricia how can our readers and listeners get in touch with you and get a copy of your book, second time around?

I would love to chat with people or let them know a link for the book and so I would ask people to just email me [email protected] Put in the subject line “chat” or “Book” and I'll send you a copy of the book
which will go into some of the seven principles that I talked about.

Remember to subscribe to the Transform Your Mind podcast on iTunes
and leave a review. Much appreciated.

Additional Resources

What Men Want In A Woman