Tag Archives: romantic relationships

How to Heal the Mother Wound From Your Childhood

We all know that children from zero to seven are all like little sponges, downloading everything. This is when the, mother wound, gets started. Mothers, are nurturers if the child is not getting nurtured, they fail to thrive.

I want to say that I personally have not had a, mother wound.  My, mother, and I are pretty close. I'm the eldest of four children and my, mother, she's actually my best friend. But I understand the pain from the, mother wound. I adopted three children from the, foster care, system who were heavily wounded by their, mothers.  They all had, abandonment, issues so,  I experienced firsthand how the, mother wound, affected every aspect of their lives.

The girls became promiscuous with men and boys, wanted friends and have people like them. Also because of the, mother wound, they were not being able to bond with me or my husband, because another bi-product of the, mother wound, is, attachment disorder, so the adoption was not successful in integrating our families.

My guest today is Keri Hummingbird, author of “Love is Fierce: Healing the Mother Wound. If you or anyone you know need healing from, mother wounds, this is the episode for you.

Listen to the full interview here:



Keri Hummingbird Sami is a soul guide, shamanic healer, award winning author and inspirational speaker. Kerri has over 20 years of experience in helping women rewrite the story of their lives through inner transformation, connection to essence, remembrance of purpose and realignment to authenticity and truth.

Myrna – Kerri what was your relationship with your mother like? Were you wounded by your, mother?

Kerri – Myrna even though your personal experience with your, mother, from your vantage point is very healed, which is a beautiful gift, there is like an ocean of not healed women on the planet. Having a, mother, as a life preserver who knows how to love is so beautiful and really pivotal because everything that happens in our early life, starting from the moment of conception is being recorded.

Starting from the moment of conception in the mother's womb, babies are being formed in the, consciousness, of the, mother, it can't be any other way. You're inside the, mother, you’re being formed by the, mother's, beliefs about herself, beliefs about the world, ancestral traumas that are unhealed; all of it goes inside of our ancestral DNA in our very human bodies.

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Your Communication with your mother starts in the womb

Just imagine that the voice that you speak to yourself with it starts forming when you're being formed inside your, mother's womb, so however your, mother, speaks to herself is how you start to learn to speak to yourself. If the, mother, is not confident or if she's had sexual traumas or if she does not believe in herself that's going to influence your development. If the, mother, believes in herself, if she's strong, if she's vibrant then you're getting that. You're getting that training inside as you're growing inside her body.

They've proven now that babies are able to perceive outside the womb, they're able to perceive not only what's going on inside the, mother, but also the outside environment. Babies can perceive things, they can hear voices, a vibration happens they can feel things, they sense things.

So, the beginning of education in earth school starts from the moment of conception. We all know that children from zero to seven are all like little sponges, downloading everything. This is when the, mother wound, gets started. Mothers, are nurturers if the child is not getting nurtured, they fail to thrive.


If a child is not being nurtured by the mother they develop a mother wound

If you experience a big loss like an, abandonment, early in that zero to seven age range, that's hugely impacting. Anywhere along your development from zero to twenty-one, anything that happens is going to be huge for you, because all of your various bodies are getting developed.

Your physical body is getting developed first, then your emotional body is getting developed then your mental body is getting developed, then your spiritual body gets developed until age 28, so all of these bodies are being formed. Everything that happens in your life experience is like creating the context of your life, the inner context.

Myrna – In this moment anyone who is a, mother, should take that role seriously. It's a big responsibility. Before I got into this consciousness space and this self-improvement space I would hear them talk about the men or women who are in prison and blame their parents. It all starts with their, mother wound.

I always thought it was a big old blame game, but now I know it's true the, mother wound, develops into so many unfortunate situations.

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Your Mother Wound affects your children

Kerri – I want to reassure every, mother, because when I started learning about the, mother wound, I started going to self-judgment. I look at oldest child especially how his life rolled out. He's really struggling with this and that and I was struggling with the same things while he was in me. I had a lot of, mental health, challenges that I’d been working on when I was pregnant with him at 30.

I had already been working on it for 15 years from the time I was 15 years old because I had early, childhood trauma, so I was trying to heal and I thought I had it all together and then he came into my womb.

This happens to a lot of, mothers, because you get pregnant and then your whole physiology changes. Any traumas from your childhood comes right up to the surface. You start having, postpartum depression, or other things and you're like why is this happening. I was really excited to have this baby. Why am I going through, postpartum depression?

Having a baby, it's like the big purge. One of the reasons for, postpartum depression, is not dealing with stuff from your past or not dealing with your, mother wounds. Psychology makes an effort in helping, mothers, to cope with this kind of thing. I even invested in psychotherapy.
I would sit there every week and like try to work on myself.

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How the mother wound affects your romantic relationships

Myrna – If you're abandoned by your mom or hurt by your mom, the, mother wound, it's very hard for you to love yourself, then you can't really be in romantic relationships.

You have to remove the subconscious programming that says you are not good enough and learn to love yourself.  If you can't release the, mother wound, and love yourself, you will continue to struggle in romantic relationships. You must gain control of your life as it deals with this issue of the, mother wound?

Kerri – I think that subconscious holds the keys to all of it because if you think about this concept of the iceberg submerged in the ocean. The part you see above the water is the conscious mind, but there's so much more underneath the surface.

There's so much to explore about your own consciousness to understand yourself better, so that you can show up even better.

You didn't choose to be molested , you didn't choose to be abandoned, you didn't choose to be hurt by your, mother, and have a, mother wound.

According to according to Dr Wayne Dyer‘s teaching he says we chose our parents, because we needed that experience in order to do what we have to do in this earth.

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Psychotherapy can help to heal the mother wound

My journey in psychotherapy helped my understanding of why I had a, mother wound. The home I grew up in from the time I was five years old, was very solid. My mom and my dad worked as a team. I didn't always like the things that they told me I had to do, but they were caring, they were loving and attentive.

We had three-way hugs in a supportive family environment. We went sailing on the weekends, we had a nice life. So I was like, why am I so screwed up? I had this feeling that something got broken inside of me from my early childhood, because I knew that there was trauma from zero to five years old.

It was a big trauma. My mom married a man who was probably not suited to be a dad. He had his own trauma story from his own childhood of being abused by his mother and left outside of hotel rooms while she slept with men and things like that. He was abandoned in hotels for days, so we had all these traumas he was working through.

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Unresolved Wounds from your childhood affects your ability to parent

My, mother, started noticing that there was a really good possibility that he was going to molest me. I want to give my mom huge props, because many, mothers, stay in a situation like that afraid to leave, but my, mother, was a warrior of love. So left and found the next best pathway and that was my first step father.

My first stepfather was a violent drunk, so it was very traumatic. So by the time I was five after four years with this violent step father, we moved and just by chance met my second stepfather who I call my dad. He is the man my, mother, has been with for 45 years until he passed away three years ago.

Spirituality is the path to healing the mother wound

I started my spiritual path and for me that was the opening because it taped into beyond the mind, it taped into the body where a lot of trauma is stored. Many people know trauma is stored in the body and it taps into the emotional body. When you're a child and you're seeing these scary things happening, you don't have words to talk. You don't have language.

As an adult, you have to go deeper into the body, the somatic experience. You have to go into inner child healing, and make friends with all these aspects of you and become their parents. It's really about re-mothering yourself and the re-mothering process takes some time because
of those early conditionings.

You have to stay in the conversation of love and kindness and gentleness long enough for it to start to sink in, and for these aspects to heal. Along that journey all kinds of modalities might happen for you. I found mine in a shaman. Somebody told me they got healed by a shaman and I was like sign me up.

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How can men heal the mother wound?

What are men's role in healing the, mother wound? A lot of times men add it to the damage that the, mother, started and then the men compound the, mother wound.

Kerri – Men can help by healing the mother wounds inside of them, because all men were boys and they came out of a, mother, so that's why the solution is the, mother, because we all live in a, mother, to begin life. So, in order to heal we all have to walk back to the, mother.

Your relationship with your, mother, and the programming of love that you received from your, mother, is also your trust in your connection with the divine and earth. It's a multi-dimensional conversation, because whatever lack of trust you have with your biological mother, that same lack of trust can show up in your connection with the divine, in your connection with the planet.

If you're disregarding your body, you're probably also disregarding your impact on the earth.


Why did you write the book “Love is Fierce: healing the mother wound”?

Kerri – My book uses my personal experience to illustrate various points that are very common across humanity so, there's a lot of themes in the book that talk about why it is that we are in the situation we're in right now. Why we have so much war and conflict, misunderstanding and divides between people. This is because of the breakdown of the matriarchy. The breakdown of the feminine and how a lot of the patterns we see are derived directly from breakdown of that primary relationship with the, mother.

I had to go through the deep inner work to write the book and to reveal the patterns, but honestly I've been working on this project my entire life.

Myrna – I understand, you had 20 years in psychotherapy. This project allowed you to heal your, mother wound, and also heal the, mother wounds, of your children.

Myrna – Where can our listeners connect with you get a copy of your book? How can they connect with you on social media and your website?

Kerri- They can connect with me on my website www.kerrihummingbird.com
On the website there is a link to sign up for 17 days of interviews on the return of mother wisdom, which I find to be really inspiring. I interviewed all these women and they have these beautiful things to say about where we're going with humanity on the earth.

You can purchase the book on amazon and then you can take your confirmation number over to www.motherwoundbook.com  (receive 17 days of interviews for the Return of Mother Wisdom Series)

I also have a podcast called the Soul Nectar Show, I hope you're going to come and be a guest on the show.

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How To Transform Your Relationships Using The Power of Now!

In this episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna, I share how to use, the power of the now, to change dysfunctional negative relationships into positive ones and how to use the, power of now, to transform your relationships.

Relationships are one of the most important aspects of our lives, and it's easy to let them get out of control. Today we study Eckhart Tolle's book “The Power of The Now” on how to improve your relationships. By learning how to use the power of now, you'll be able to align yourself with what's really important in your life, and your relationships will start to improve as a result.

Eckhart Tolle says that everything happens in the now. There is only one point of access and it is the now.  And until you access the now, all relationships are deeply flawed. They may seem perfect for a moment when you are in love, but that perfection is lost when disappointment and dissatisfaction set in.  If we look at the divorce rate, it seems that most love relationships become love hate relationships.

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Relationships bloom when we access the power of  now

If we look at the divorce rate, it seems that most, love relationships, become, love-hate relationships.  

When we don’t access, the power of the now, love can turn to hate with the flick of a switch.  

Sometimes the relationship continues for a while between the polarities of love and hate. It gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain. 

Some couples get addicted to the drama because it makes them feel alive, but when the negative events occur with increasing frequency, the relationship collapses

Here is some, relationship advice, you may think that if you remove the, negative cycles, then the relationship would flower beautifully, but this is not the case. The polarities are mutually interdependent, you cannot have one without the other. The reason we want to be in the now in our relationships is that you can’t access the, pain body, of what he did to me and then bring it forward and relive the pain.

The, power of the now, means unless the event is happening now, it is in the past.  The reason Eckhart Tolle teaches that the polarities are mutually interdependent is because your pain feed his pain. Your triggers, trigger his triggers.  

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Podfriend Transform Your Mind Podcast

The Power of the now eliminates dysfunctional relationships

The negative side of a relationship is more easily recognized as dysfunctional. It is also easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner, than to see it for yourself. Negativity and your past pain can show up in many forms in your relationship as: 

  • possessiveness,
  • jealousy,
  • control,
  • withdrawal,
  • resentment,
  • the need to be right,
  • insensitivity and self-absorption,
  • emotional demand’s,
  • manipulation,
  • the urge to criticize,
  • judge, blame, anger, and unconscious revenge.

Quite a list. None of these things happen in, the now.

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Transform Your Mind Luminary podcast

The power of now in love

The positive side can be just as bad.  This is the, power of love. When you are in love, someone needs you, wants you and makes you feel special.  The feelings of being in love can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.  

You become addicted to the other person; he acts on you like a drug. Even the thought of that person no longer loving you, illicit jealousy, emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing, because of fear of loss.

If the other person does leave you, it can lead to the most intense pain from grief or the most intense hostility. Was this love in the first place or just addictive clinging?  

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Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora

Survival relationships can be addictive clinging

Then , survival relationships, comes along.  It seems to meet all your needs, at least that is how it appears at first. You now have a new focal point, the person who defines your identity. The person you are in love with. Your world now has a center again, you are loved.  

Then there becomes a point when your partner fails to meet your needs. The feelings of fear and lack now resurface, they had been covered up by the love relationship. Like any drug, you are on a high until the drug no longer works for you. When the feelings of fear return, you feel them stronger than they were before and you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. You attack your partner and this awakens their own, pain body, and he may counter your attack. Every attack is manipulation to get your partner to change their behavior.  

This is because you refuse to work through your pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever you are addicted to, whether it be alcohol, food, shopping, sex you are using something or someone to cover up your pain.  

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Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

Romantic relationships do not cause unhappiness

That is why there is so much pain and unhappiness in, romantic relationships. Romantic relationships, do not cause pain and unhappiness, they bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.  

Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. 3 failed marriages are a source of awakening more than if you shut yourself off in a room and refuse to engage in a relationship.

The power of the now, must be strong enough so you don’t get taken over by the thinker or the, pain body.  

Bringing, the power of the now, to your relationship means, first you stop judging yourself then you stop judging your partner.  

The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is without needing to judge or change them in any way.  

You are in a, love relationship, if that person feels the same way about you; other than that you are in a relationship with yourself. Don’t let this love turn into a, love- hate relationship, by constantly bringing up the past. Embrace, the power of the now.

Additional Resources

How Single Women over 40 Find Love


Why We Have Trust Issues in Relationships

Trust, is earned, trust, is central to every relationship and, trust, is about intention.  We have, trust issues, when we have fear of betrayal, or abandonment. This fear is often triggered as a result of past betrayal e.g. a spouse cheating on you.  Abandonment, e.g your parents left you with your grandparents and never came back.

In this episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna we look at 4 types of trust what they are and how you can cultivate them in your relationships to avoid, trust issues.

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How to develop trust in relationships

There are 4 types of trust are Care, competence, consistency, and character.

Let’s dissect each of these

Care – When we care about your partner, we put our emotions in their hands, they care about what's best for you and not what's best for them. They care about your well being.  Examples of care are going beyond the call of duty to help you move, accompany you to a doctor’s appointment etc. We develop, trust issues, if when we need help, physical or emotional and no one is there to care for us.

A perfect example is if you have surgery and is totally dependent on your partner's help for basic services like bathing, toilet or food and they abandon you. You would be scared for life and develop major, trust issues, in the future.

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Competence – The second type of trust is, competence.  You trust that your partner is competent to handle financial matters. If you are sick, competence, to handle your care and make decisions that are best for you and not best for them. You, trust, their opinions and recommendations.

When you go into surgery that is life threatening, you will be asked to draw up a living will and a power of attorney. You need someone, competent, to handle not only the financial obligations but to talk to the doctors and make sure that you are receiving the best care.

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Trust issues and Character

Character – When we talk about, trust, we are usually talking about a high moral compass or the, character, of our partner. We look to these people when we are not sure what is right and follow their lead. These people practice what they preach and are valuable in interdependent relationships. They have good reputation, strong opinion, and down to earth advice. They are trustworthy.

In most cases, our romantic relationships suffer the most from our, trust issues, because of, character.  A person's, character, prevent them from lying and cheating.  Since, intimate relationships, are based on honesty and openness a partner who has, character, builds trust. This, trust, is the glue that binds the relationship, providing a positive emotional connection that’s rooted in affection, love, and loyalty.

Consistency – Your partner shows, consistency, when they are reliable, and you know that they always have your back. They may not be the expert, but they are reliable, present and available when you need them. They have been with you through highs and lows.

Trust issues, can be a sign that someone has experienced a significant amount of trauma — but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t working through their past experiences and learning, consistency. Trust issues, in a relationship can be hard for both partners to overcome, but with adequate support and communication channels, people with, trust issues, can have healthy, successful connections with partners — that aren’t ruled by their past.

Listen Notes Transform Your Mind
Listen Notes Transform Your Mind

Trust that people come into your life for a reason

These are the four types of trust that make, relationships, flourish.

People come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime

Some people come into your life for a season bringing change and excitement, but the relationship ends like all seasons do.

Another person might come in for a reason to help you learn and grow or to support you through a difficult time. It feels like they have been sent to guide you through.

And they are lifetime people they stand beside you through thick and thin loving you even when you have nothing to give them.

Love is a gift without any strings attached. Trust love.

Remember you are also a season, reason or lifetime partner to someone else and your role may not match theirs.

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Podmust Transform Your Mind podcast

Trust in Business relationships

Contractual trust, is useful in business.

Mutual trust, comes from a place of goodness.

Pure trust, is when you know that another person has your back.

You develop, trust, by asking for what you want.

Tell them how you want to be loved.

Communicate the areas Where there is dissatisfaction

Build trust by telling your partner what would make you feel loved Thanks for tuning into 5 mins with coach Myrna I want to invite you to join my private Facebook group called life coach so that you can be inspired all week long. Until next time Namaste

Additional Resources

Can You Handle Success Like Chris Rock

How To Break Your Attachment Style with IMAGO Therapy

Often when we're mating or in the beginning of a relationship, we don't know how it's going turn out.  We are not conscious of our, attachment styles, we don't know how the dance is going to take place until the, attachment, takes place. After the honeymoon phase someone can be scared of intimacy and pull away or someone could be scared of abandonment and move closer. But these patterns don't show up until a little bit later in the relationship.

Myrna: All right, Jessica. So as we start off, I always like to get a foundation so the listeners can understand your backstory. So what was your journey to becoming a, couples therapist? Tell me there's a juicy story there.

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Introduction to IMAGO Therapy

Jessica: Well, definitely through my own interpersonal struggles for sure. You know, I did a session or something called, IMAGO therapy. So it's, I'm a psychotherapist and I went to a psychotherapist and I got I worked with, IMAGO therapy, which means image, and through that work, I started to develop an understanding of my own, attachment wounds, and how I was relating in relationships and that definitely made me want to become a, certified Imago specialist.

So that's one of the things that I am passionate about. And then I started working with,  substance abuse centers, and started treating families with a lot of codependency, and system issues. I also treated a lot of couples in my private practice. So I started to see these unconscious dances and these wounds play out and you know with, Imago therapy, there's a lot of trauma that comes up in, relationships, you know, and so our wounds show up.

So I was starting to see this happen over and over again. And I was starting to help it in big ways in my office and see really powerful transformations come up in, relationships, and so through my own journey and through my private practice. Yeah, I just I wanted to get this information out to the world. I also in my early 20s, identified as a, codependent, and  read every book on, codependency, I could get my hands on and it wasn't until I discovered, attachment theory, later on.

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Codependency in relationships

I went to school and studied it for years until I really understood that, codependency, is a product of, attachment wounds, and how we relate and stay in connection, because that's our biological imperative. So it was a combination of my own work and working with family systems and then working with couples that led me to want to write this book.

Myrna: That's amazing. You unpacked a lot of stuff there. One, IMAGO therapy. I've never heard of it.

Jessica: I highly recommend, IMAGO therapy, or Emotionally Focused couples, counseling. Those are two modalities that you have to be extra certified in and they really work with the energy and dynamics in, relationships.  Protection show up and the wounds start to show up and all of a sudden we're having sensations and wounds, kind of these patterns showing up in our most romantic, relationships.

And we're all kind of confused, but this is actually supposed to happen because what happened to us when we were younger is subconscious and then now we're as adults and we're partnering up all of that actually gets reenacted and hopefully can then get healed in relationship it with two conscious people doing the work.

So that's why I really loved, IMAGO therapy, it's not about a therapist sitting in a room telling you what to do. It's actually led by this beautiful dance between the couple where the therapist is outside leading deep dialogue to help each person see where their wounding is, in such a beautiful way. It's experiential. So it's a process you go through and it just impacted me very deeply that I decided to get certified and trained in it myself and I've had a lot of success with it.

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Childhood trauma shows up in our attachment styles

Myrna: I guess everything is, trauma, because even if you were abandoned, or you were abused, it still in the trauma bucket. Right. So is that what you're talking about?

Jessica: I'm talking about, developmental trauma. And so, trauma, has a big word and if you're listening you might be like, I have no, trauma. But the truth is, our earliest experiences even though they might not appear like, trauma, how we relate to our primary caregiver, how rupture and repair happen, what those early interactions are, they shape your developmental process.  And is the lens in which we see the world, they shape our physical body, they shape our nervous system and ultimately our, attachment styles.

So there's a lot of impact that happens when we're young that we don't even realize it until we get intimate and close with another in our adult years. And so that's essentially, attachment theory. But yeah, it's adaptations. How we adapted when we were really small to stay in connection is or keep ourselves safe is usually how we will adapt in our, romantic relationships, when things get a little bumpy.

Myrna: Okay, all right. So I'm still trying to wrap my head around this one, so I'm pretty sure our listeners are too I'm thinking that, you know, we have had men and women seem to pick the same type of partner, they usually end up in, relationships, where maybe the man is abusive, or a relationship where they're abandoned, but they seem to have these, attachments styles. So I think that's probably where you're going.

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Our attachment styles comes from embedded patterns

Jessica: Attachment styles, is a category but they're really embedded patterns. That we form in our nervous system early on. And there's four traditional, attachment styles, categories:

  1. Secure attachment style- That's someone who has grown up with an inherent sense of trust, doesn't struggle with intimacy or feels okay being alone.  They really are secure within themselves.
  2. Insecure attachment style – There's anxious which is the one I wrote my book on,
  3. Avoidant attachment style – There's fearful avoidant and so anxious people tend to have gotten inconsistency in their parenting. So they, there's also a heightened anxiety and  hyper vigilance.

We actually mirror our mother's brain and nervous system when we're developing and if our primary caregiver wasn't consistent enough, we're always kind of waiting for the shoe to drop. There's a sense that connection isn't going to stay the same, I got to keep my partner happy, or I have to bend over backwards to please them. We'll tend to self abandon our own body as a way to survive.

I mean, it's actually how we learn to survive and stay in connection in our earliest, relationships. Avoidant, attachment style, is really someone who didn't get their emotional needs met well, and learn to kind of rely a little bit more on their own and they become more independent. They tend to be people who are really focused on career and who are successful and they are not as dependent, they don't need as much connection.

3 Types of attachment styles

These two anxious and avoidant, attachment styles, tend to partner with each other.  So just their inherent needs are so different because of their, attachment styles. And then there's fearful avoidant, which is a embedded combination of both. So it's a two way street. So you have your embedded patterns, but how they show up depends on also who you attach to and how their patterns combined with your patterns,

Then you have a combined embedded pattern dance between the relationship and I would say all, relationships, have a dance to some degree. So it's complicated and it's layered but usually you have one way of trying to get your needs met, whether that's reaching out expanding, being dependent or being, interdependent, and isolating when you're scared shutting down. 

Myrna: I was thinking, attachment styles, I was thinking like attachment patterns. But what you're talking about is is is how you show up in a relationship.

Jessica: Yeah, I mean, due to neuroplasticity, no one can say that any, attachment style, is static. We have the research to show that things are always changing and we will move towards warm connection and build new neural wiring and build new secure attachment. The more secure people we attach to not just our husband or wife but friends and colleagues. The more we have secure safe people in our life, the more self confident and the more inner security is built.

It's actually, healthy dependency, or, inter-dependency, that we're looking for. So if a baby felt like there was a lack of trust, and they will be dropped, and they couldn't depend on their primary caregiver, where adults can actually depend in healthy ways on many different people who are safe and secure. You rebuild that inner security from within and it's very changeable. It does require a little bit of work. But it definitely is a changeable thing.

Transform Your Mind Amazon
Transform Your Mind Amazon

Our attachment styles are changeable

Myrna: That's good to know. That, you can be changeable even outside of therapy.  If they form an attachment with someone that's nurturing as an adult, they will start to build back as a whole person.

Why do we pick the same people?

Jessica: Someone who has an insecure base might not do this to secure person because their nervous system is very steady and calm that can feel boring and not exciting for them. So they'll pick what's familiar unconsciously.  A lot of relationship type of psychotherapy says that our core wounds are going to come up no matter who we pick.

The subconscious is going to come up in those deep, relationships. But if you find yourself attracting the same type of person over and over again, the bad boy or bad girl, or an emotionally unavailable person, then that is an indication that you had an unavailable person in your childhood and there's a familiarity there. And so you're trying to repair.

Myrna: That's what I thought we were talking about the, attachment styles. That's where we're gonna go is Yes, I know that you subconsciously. And I even heard that narcissists and people that are predators, pick up on the person that is that is insecure, and that's the person that they attached to. Right?

Jessica: Narcissists are deeply insecure themselves. So there's a sense of that going on in in them as well. But yeah, they can pick up on that or they will.

Myrna: How do we break that, attachment style cycle? Now, I think you touched on that a little bit just now that we picked things that are  familiar. But let's touch on the, attachment wounds. So let's say that we had parents that didn't see us, you know what I mean? We weren't really totally abandoned, but we were not seen.

Jessica: Yeah, that's always the, autonomic nervous system, picking things but our wounds exist inside of us. You tell yourself,  I'm unlovable, I will be left. I'm unworthy. That's an inherent sense that lives in our body. That's not even the story. It's a feeling that lives inside of us. So if we're feel that way, we can even pick someone who make us at the center of their world. And as the relationship goes through phases, and they step away, whether they really step away or they really neglect the relationship. All the feelings of being unworthy or not being seen or being neglected are actually going to come to the surface.

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Podfriend Transform Your Mind Podcast

We are triggered or awakened by past trauma

Because there was togetherness, and then there were separateness which happens in every relationship. So it's going to trigger your feelings of unworthiness. The degree in which it brings it up as depends on the person that you pair with. If you have a turbulent relationship, it might just keep repeating that feeling and that sensation and again, that's your nervous system going into fight flight, coming up with stories in your head to match what you're feeling in your body, and you've just keep buying the same narrative over again.

Often when we're mating or in the beginning of a relationship, you don't know how it's going turn out. There's no protections up and sometimes you don't know how the dance is going to take place until the attachment takes place. After the honeymoon phase someone can be scared of intimacy and pull away or someone could be scared of abandonment and move closer. But these patterns don't show up until a little bit later in the relationship.

So it can be really confusing because something could start off really wonderful and go south really fast. And that's because of protections and adaptations and your nervous system started to get really scared and it became unsafe really fast for one or both parties.

Myrna: So what exactly is a trigger? And what are some of the tools that we can use when triggered in relationship?

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Transform Your Mind Podcast Pandora

Triggers are formed from sensations stored in the body

Jessica: Well, if it's sensational, it's early memory, so if you are a teenager and you're getting left, it can leave pain for sure. And there can be, trauma, later on in life. But if you have a really secure base, you'll probably be like, Oh, you'll recover much faster.  When we're really looking at memory, there's different kinds of memory.  We store memory first when we're really young as sensation we don't have a hippocampus fully developed. So the sensations are really big.

I don't say, trigger, I like to use the word awakened because we're awakening in these moments to painful things that are going on inside of our body. But if you know the nervous system, what we know is that we're supposed to feel safe. So when you feel abandoned, your system will shift out of safety into fight. Flight freeze, or fawn depending on how you adapted in your patterns.

So when your body is going into an activated state, usually sympathetic arousal and your thoughts start blaming and projecting there's a chance that you're not feeling safe in your body and then that has activated something very scary inside. When I hear the work, trigger, I think of a gun and I think trauma and shame but really we're awakening parts of ourselves.

Myrna: Wow. You're doing good work. I am very interested in your in your research. It's amazing. All right. So you have developed this method that's called the, self-full  method. You want to tell us about that?

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Google Podcast Transform Your Mind

What is the Self-full method

Jessica: It's in this book that I just published called “Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love” I cover the, self-full  method,  deep in here In layman's terms. I worked with a lot of, codependent, people who would come into my office and I would be like, you need to be more selfish. You need to learn how to take care of yourself and they would look at me like that's a bad word.

Myrna: I just found out the other day you're right that selfish just means taking care of yourself. It's not a bad word.

Jessica: Well actually selfish is not great. But what I said is so selfless is that state I talk about constantly giving and giving and giving. And selfish is a state of taking care and protection. They're not bad states, either one of them but they're both sympathetic states of arousal in our nervous system.  A, self-full,  state is a norm as a calm state of connection where there's fluid boundaries, there's an ability to request your needs. There's a sense of safety in the relationship.

Transform your Mind Podbean
Transform your Mind Podbean

Is being selfish a bad word?

And we all travel within the states all the time. But you might notice how I'm selfless in my relationship. I tend to self abandon, I tend to give a lot away, I tend to people please when I'm in a relationship because I don't want to lose love and I tend to attract really selfish people. That's a dynamic that you see a lot, so working towards a, self full, place is about doing your own inner work, and really being with more parts of yourself and understanding your nervous system in a new way.

Attracting someone who equally can give an exchange of these things so that you don't keep giving, because the giving is an adaptation. And it's coming from fear rather than always wanting to give.  And even a selfish state which everyone enters are fluid, but if you enter a really selfish or close down or walled off state, it's also a state of activation and a state of fear.

So those two tend to be the polar opposites of the spectrum. And so, self-full, is like a ventral state of connection.  Getting yourself calm, being connected with yourself being connected with others feeling safe in your relationship. And so I've talked about how to cultivate that within your own body and your nervous system and in the, relationships, in your life and how to work with that and develop more, more capacity to be in a, self full, state.

Book: Anxiously attached
Book: Anxiously attached


Myrna: That's good as you were talking, I thought of myself. How can women connect with you and get a copy of your book?

Jessica: Yeah, so I mean, my book is everywhere. It's on Barnes and Nobles. It's on Amazon, you name it. It's everywhere. It's going to be in seven countries, it  is just really getting out there in the world. So you can just go on Amazon and put in Anxiously Attached, becoming more secure in life and love.  You can also find me on Instagram @JessicaBaumLMHC. My website  https://www.beselffull.com/ is where I have some of my online courses and the relationship Institute in Palm Beach is a private practice here in South Florida.

We do intense couples work trauma, I have a five therapists on my team. So we work to collectively to treat couples and system issues. So those are all the ways that you can find me.  I've poured my heart and soul into that book for the last four years and I think if you resonate with someone who has, codependency, or you self abandon or you give yourself away, it's really a healing path to forming a healthier relationship with yourself, but also getting that fulfilling relationship that you want and truly deserve on the outside.

Additional Resources

How to Overcome the Pain of Domestic Violence