Never go with your, gut feelings, because what is true is that your gut, intuition, is often going to be lying to you. Just like people who are depressed and anxious feel that there's something to be said about, gut feelings, when there's not, and feel there's a threat when there is not. Instead use counter intuitive strategies to make decisions.
What was your path in becoming a Cognitive Neuroscientist?
I was 18 in 1999 when the Prince song party like it's 1999 was Hot. A lot of leaders were partying because their companies were going boom they were making a lot of a lot of money. Billions of dollars were invested into the dot.com industry, and just a couple of years later when I was 21 in 2002, they all went bust. The leaders of the dot.com era made terrible decisions. They trusted their, Gut feelings, and went bust! That and the fact I saw my father trust his, gut feelings, and made terrible decisions, made me study to become a Cognitive Neuroscientist.
Leaders who went with their, gut feelings, made bad decisions
A lot of Leaders who went with, gut feelings, went to jail. Their, gut instincts, were way off. Never trust just your, gut feelings. I was curious about what was going on, so I decided to study the neuroscience of the brain and how people think. I became a Trainer, Consultant, and Coach for business leaders.
Cognitive neuroscience, is a subfield of neuroscience that studies the biological processes that underlie human cognition, especially in regards to the relation between brain structures, activity and cognitive functions. The purpose of it is to determine how the brain functions and achieves performance.is the study of how our brain works, how we make decisions and what our patterns of decision-making are. I also studied the specific judgment errors that we make when we make decisions purely from, gut feelings.
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One of the first things I wanted to know because as a, Lifecoach myself, when I sit down in a coaching session, I'm looking for certain things in order for me to understand where my clients are coming from. As a cognitive neuroscientist and behavioral economist, what are you looking for when you were consulting with these business leaders?
Coaching to, Gut Instinct
The first thing I'm looking for is to make sure the person is coachable. A lot of people would like to go to a coach, but they're not coachable. Meaning that they're not willing to listen to external feedback and accept that sometimes, someone looking from the outside is going to be wiser than the person looking from the inside and making those, gut feeling, decisions.
I also try to find an issue of disagreement and in the first session, to see how the person reacts to this disagreement. Because if this person's is not able to deal with this disagreement, then we’re not going to be able to have an effective coaching relationship. Because as a coach I'm going to tell you what I think, and if you can’t accept feedback, we can't work together and I'd like to discover that as quickly as possible.
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The other thing that I look for at the start of the session is how emotionally aware this person is. That's the quality of emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence refers to two broad skill sets:
emotional awareness – where is this person emotions
and emotional management – how are they able to manage their emotions.
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It is really an important element for me to understand. Do I need to teach this person these skills of emotional intelligence, personal skills, emotional awareness and emotional management? Because in order to make good decisions, instead of going with, gut feelings, we need to realize that our emotions are the overwhelming factor driving our, gut intuition and, gut instinct. Our emotions shape about 80 to 90 percent of our, gut feelings, and decision-making. Going with your, gut feelings, means going with your, gut instinct intuition, and they're often wrong, so this is a problem.
When my clients notice that there are goals they want to achieve from coaching are at odds with their natural inclinations and natural intuition, they change their natural state. One of the very important aspects of coaching, is to change your natural state of activities otherwise there is no point in coaching.
One key aspect of coaching, is to change from where you are today to where you want to be
I'm looking for that as well how aware is the person of their emotions and how able are they to manage their emotions and, gut feelings.
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Leaders shouldn't just use gut feelings to make decisions
As a Cognitive Neuroscientist and Behavioral Economist, you had enough data to write a book on disaster avoidance and that's also name of your company. Does your research indicate that most people who follow their, gut feelings, or, gut instinct, make the wrong decisions?
Yes, overwhelmingly people who just go with their, gut feelings, and make decisions by, gut reaction, as opposed to people who check with their heads before going with their, gut feelings, make the wrong decisions.
Let's look at small businesses. A lot of small business owners who don't have training go with their, gut feeling, and open up a business. They feel that they can do this job, I can do this work. I can run this restaurant or this hair salon or I can be a plumber. But when you look at the actual statistics, what happens to small businesses is about half of them fail within the first five years, about two-thirds of them fail within the first ten years; because people make decisions based on, gut feelings. They just go with their, gut instincts, they don't check with their head before going with their, gut feeling. Never just go with your, gut feelings.
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5 Questions to Ask Before Going with Your Gut Feelings
That business leader this who wants to open up a hair salon needs to learn about these, cognitive biases, the 30 most dangerous ones that she might be suffering from
The Confirmation Bias – where she might be looking for information from, gut feelings, that confirms her beliefs and ignoring information that do not confirm her beliefs.
Objective Adviser – Understanding the failure rate for hair salons. The failure rate for hair salons are a little bit higher than the failure rate for typical small businesses, so the first question to answer is why she would not fail. What makes her so special ? Never go with just, gut feelings.
Get uncomfortable – Look for information that is uncomfortable and that to prove to herself whether this is the right decision or not.
Check for the optimism bias. Business leaders who open up new restaurants, new salon or new small businesses tech startups tend to be very optimistic. They are too optimistic compared to the reality of the situation.
Exit strategy if Business fails – what are all the reasons why it would fail. Was it the wrong location? Management etc?
Additional Resources Never go with Your, Gut Feelings
This Black History month, I would like to feature Toni Morrison, for her literary excellence. Toni Morrison is a Nobel Prize Winner, a Pulitzer Prize winner, and awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Morrison is an American writer noted for her examination of Black experience (particularly Black female experience) within the Black community. Let's take a moment to honor this literary genius this, black history month.
Toni Morrison, original name Chloe Anthony Wofford, (born February 18, 1931, Lorain, Ohio, U.S.—died August 5, 2019, Bronx, New York), American writer noted for her examination of Black experience (particularly Black female experience) within the Black community. She received the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1993.
Morrison grew up in the American Midwest in a family that possessed an intense love of and appreciation for, Black culture. Storytelling, songs, and folktales were a deeply formative part of her childhood. She attended Howard University (B.A., 1953) and Cornell University (M.A., 1955). In 1965 Morrison became a fiction editor at Random House, where she worked for a number of years.
Morrison’s first book, The Bluest Eye (1970), is a novel of initiation concerning a victimized adolescent Black girl who is obsessed by white standards of beauty and longs to have blue eyes. This book was my introduction to Toni Morrison. I loved this book. I loved the character, how Morrison showed a poor black girl struggling not only with her looks but with becoming a young lady, and wanting to be beautiful like her white blue eye dolls. At the time when I read this book a lot of black women were putting in blue contact lenses including my daughter. This book really brought it home and allowed black women to start loving our skin, eyes, hair and black features.
In 1973 a second novel, Sula, was published; it examines (among other issues) the dynamics of friendship and the expectations for conformity within the Black community.
Song of Solomon (1977) is told by a male narrator in search of his identity; its publication brought Morrison to national attention. Tar Baby (1981), set on a Caribbean island, explores conflicts of race, class, and sex.
Toni Morrison became mainstream with her critically acclaimed book called Beloved (1987), which won a Pulitzer Prize for fiction, is based on the true story of a runaway slave who, at the point of recapture, kills her infant daughter in order to spare her a life of slavery. A film adaptation of the novel was released in 1998 and starred Oprah Winfrey. The again was powerful for me. The character of Beloved was played to perfection by Thandiwe Newton and showcases how Sethe’s guilt, played by Oprah Winfrey can reincarnate and haunt us in this life.
In 1992 Morrison released Jazz, a story of violence and passion set in New York City’s Harlem during the 1920s. Subsequent novels were Paradise (1998), a richly detailed portrait of a Black utopian community in Oklahoma, and Love (2003), an intricate family story that reveals the myriad facets of love and its ostensible opposite. A Mercy (2008) deals with slavery in 17th-century America. In the redemptive Home (2012), a traumatized Korean War veteran encounters racism after returning home and later overcomes apathy to rescue his sister. In God Help the Child(2015), Morrison chronicled the ramifications of child abuse and neglect through the tale of Bride, a Black girl with dark skin who is born to light-skinned parents.
It is great to showcase Toni Morrison's work for, Black History month, because The central theme of Morrison’s novels is the, Black American experience; in an unjust society, her characters struggle to find themselves and their cultural identity. Her use of fantasy, her sinuous poetic style, and her rich interweaving of the mythic gave her stories great strength and texture. In 2010 Morrison was made an officer of the French Legion of Honour. Two years later she was awarded the U.S. Presidential Medal of Freedom. Toni Morrison: The Pieces I Am (2019) is a documentary about her life and career.
Are you Happy? Today Dr Ahia, Psychologist and I discuss, How to be Happy. Their is a mathematical formula for, happiness. H=S +C + V i.e. means Your happiness is based on your set point. What are the conditions that make you happy. Are you choosing to make the voluntary choices to make to be happy.
The, happiness formula, is a mathematical equation on, how to be happy.
What does it take to be happy?
To answer that question you have to understand your blueprint for, happiness.
Your blueprint is the story you have in your head about how life is supposed to be.
The most popular archetype is the blueprint that says you have to be successful to find, happiness.
Here is a Test to see your Capacity for, Happiness:
What is an area in your life that you feel happy about?
Then ask yourself, why are you happy with that area?
You could find, happiness, in your body, your marriage, your career, your friends, your finances, your kids, your relationship with God etc.
If your Life Conditions or LC match your blueprint for, happiness, you will find, happiness, in this area.
Let's pick an easy one to see, how to be happy, I am sure you know people who are happy with being overweight.
They find, happiness, with their body because their blueprint says, Big is Beautiful. They love being Big. You may also know someone who is a twig and they feel fat. You become unhappy with your body when you step on the scale and it is different than your blueprint for, happiness, with your weight or body.
While you are in this space you can also get clarity on why you are Unhappy with some areas of your life.
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The Happiness Formula, How to be Happy
Happiness, is defined as a feeling of contentment, that life is as it should be. Perfect, happiness, comes when you have all your needs met according to your blueprint of what life should be.
Here is the formula for, Happiness
H=S +C + V
Happiness is “H”
S – Set point or genetic capacity for happiness
C- Conditions or circumstances of living
V – Voluntary choices
Your Set point or core belief is both genetic and environmental. Do you see life as an opportunity or do you see life as a problem?
Your set point for, happiness, is determined in the first 3 years of life by parents or caretakers. Your neurons mirror your parents. If your parents were always criticizing each other or playing the victim; that's what you grow up to be. A critical person always seeing the glass as half empty instead of half full. You feel victimized by life. You blame the system for your lack of, happiness, in life. You feel you were born on the other side of the tracks.
On the other hand If your parents were happy, then you grew up thinking that life is a place for service and to look for the silver lining under every cloud. Never being the victim because victims have no power. Your set point on, how to be happy, if pretty high.
Your set point represents 50% of your, happiness, so if you have a negative set point, you are always fighting an uphill battle.
Fortunately, your set point for, happiness, can be changed through therapy?
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The second factor in the, Happiness Formula is your capacity for happiness or your Life Conditions “C”
C = Conditions of living – conditions of living represents 10 -12% of your, happiness. For example If you are extremely poor you can't be happy because your basic needs are not being met and your poverty becomes a source of stress.
There is a movie I saw years ago called the, Happiness, movie. It showcased people in India living in very poor conditions, earning something like $100 per year and they found, happiness.
How to be happy, they had love, they had family and since poverty is what they knew from birth, their blueprint for, happiness, was different than someone born into wealth.
Do you know poor people who are happy? I am sure you do.
When your Life conditions don't match your blueprint that is when you suffer. Stress, depression, substance abuse this is the doorway they enter from. Not always but most times.
The next leg on, How to be Happy, is “V”
V = Voluntary Choices. These are the choices you make every day =these choices represent 40% of your, happiness.
If your choices are all about personal pleasure then your, happiness, will be transient.
In the US the #1 choice for personal pleasure is shopping
#2 is alcohol and food
# 3 sex
When you make choices for personal pleasure your, happiness, lasts a few days or a few months at best. If you are trying to find, happiness, by acquiring things like cars, clothes, houses, jewelry. The, happiness, lasts a few weeks or at best 6 months then it is no longer a source of joy.
This is the same for alcohol, food, drugs, sex.
Lasting, Happiness, does not come from external sources.
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If you are suffering in your marriage, your relationships, or anything other than your health, you can change your blueprint and find, happiness. If you feel you have no control to change your Life conditions, that is when there is pain.
You can change your set point through meditation and expanding your consciousness.
If you don't like your conditions of living or your body, change it. It is in your control. If you don't want to change your conditions then you must change your blueprint.
When I first got married my husband and I fought constantly. We had different blueprints of what marriage was supposed to be. We are still together today because we both changed our blueprints. Most couples end up in divorce court because they refuse to change their blueprint of what it take to find, happiness, in a marriage or after a divorce.
Instead of making the choice of personal pleasure, spend your money or time on experiences like vacations, adventure, entertainment, being social with friends etc. Creating Good memories make you happy.
The fastest way to, happiness, is to give others attention, appreciation, acknowledgment, affection, or acceptance.
Before you make choices, ask yourself would this choice make me happy? Will it make others happy? You cannot find, happiness, making others unhappy.
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Brain scans have revealed that when your mind wanders, it switches into “autopilot” mode, enabling you to carry on doing tasks quickly, accurately and without conscious thought. Our, autopilot, mode seems to be run by a set of brain structures called the default mode network or, autopilot brain.
Whenever you are on, autopilot, you are running, subconscious programs.
Have you ever gotten in your car and driven to your destination and you don’t recall how you got there. That is your, autopilot brain, driving you to your destination.
Your, Autopilot brain, is part of your, subconscious brain.
Daily Habits That Can Help You Stop your, Autopilot Brain
Wake Up Mindfully. Become conscious of your body, your breathe
When you brush your teeth and take a shower, become aware of what you are doing.
Take the Scenic Route. …When you stop at the traffic light, become aware of the other cars and notice your surroundings
Connect with Others. …When you get to work, actually listen to other and don’t tune them out.
Connect with Nature.. Take a walk and stop to smell the roses.
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Taking a shower, most people are not mindful in the shower
Driving your car
Eating a meal, are you conscious of chewing your food?
Scrolling on social media, your fingers have a mind of their own!
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How to take your brain off, Autopilot
Many contemporary psychologists have very different concepts of the, autopilot brain. Rather than see it as a seething cauldron of battling unseen forces, they conceptualize the, autopilot brain, or the, subconscious brain, as a set of cognitive processes for sifting through the welter of stimuli impinging upon our sense organs and preparing responses to them. It is the, autopilot brain, that allows us to recognize in an instant a familiar face, to play a musical instrument without thinking about the position of our fingers, and to ride a bicycle without thinking about how to maintain our balance. Many of our daily behaviors, involve, autopilot, processes that lie outside the range of ordinary awareness.
We operate on, autopilot, for 95% of our daily activities. To take your brain off, autopilot, you have to become aware of your breathe and your body sensations.
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Take risks to get past your, autopilot programs. Your, subconscious brain, always wants to play it safe.
Ask questions like, What else is possible that I have not considered?
Say things like, how cool is it that I have all this extra money.
What am I going to do with all this extra cash?
How can I make this a reality?
What if I become a successful as a TV talk show host?
What would that look like? See yourself in this role. This one is for me!!
This strategy is called auto inquisition.
Thomas Edison practiced auto inquisition. He would sit in a chair and ask his, subconscious brain, questions about an invention, you can do the same.
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Childhood Abuse, has continually been linked to substance abuse for women. In this Episode we look at, Drug and Alcohol treatments, for women with trauma, who were abused by men and parents during childhood.
She has been recognized as a champion of woman’s issues. Particularly women who have struggled to maintain a positive balance in their lives despite addiction. As the Therapist for women in Rehab for over 30 years, Dr Ahia was responsible for the, drug and alcohol treatments for women with trauma, who turned to substance abuse to as a means to cope with trauma.
Her work in, addiction and recovery, began some thirty years ago and has empowered thousands of women as they transitioned to a healthy place in their lives. Dr Ahia’s research has been a motivating force in moving many broken women away from the men in their lives that lead them down the path of destruction, confusion, and addiction to a place where they are whole mentally, physically and emotionally with, drug and alcohol treatments.
In the book “Call me an Addict” Dr Ahia tells the brutal stories of 3 women. We will look at one of these women on the blog and podcast on the, Transform Your Mind radio and Podcast with Life Coach Myrna Young.
This is a summary Kelly's story in the Book “Call me an Addict”
Kelly's first memory at 2 years old was her father punching her in the face for not eating her food. Then she remembered at 5 years old taking her father’s fingers as she sat on his lap with his friends and sticking them in her vagina!
That was the start of her life that included sex with her father, an alcoholic and abusive mother, promiscuity with men at age 14.
At age 15 her parents gave her away to her boyfriend and moved to another city. She had her first child soon after and was homeless because the boyfriend also moved away to another city and left her to look after a child with no home and no income.
Another man gave her a place to live in return for sex. He ended up marrying her and they had 3 more kids.
Her abuse resulted in her abuse of alcohol and rehab. Her, drug and alcohol treatments for women with trauma, was not successful. She continued to relapse.
Kelly started drinking heavily at 14 years old and used it for escape. It was drinking, sex, and prostitution.
Her story ended with her kids being placed in the custody of child protective services and she being placed in rehab for the 3rd time.
What was so sobering to me hearing this story was how 3 generations were ruined from addictions. Kelly's father and mother were both addicts. She hated them both. She became an addict and then her eldest daughter followed her lifestyle. One of the most profound statements in the story to me was when Kelly said she and her daughter would fight all the time about who was the bigger whore!
As a Life Coach and survivor of child sexual abuse, I can say that the reason my life didn't spin out of control like Kelly's was because even before I knew anything about mindset and the power of intention, I wanted respect. I did not want to be known as a Bad Girl or whore. A girl who is free with sex and all the boys talk about her.
Kidtasks – the application of good deeds now available on Google Aps.
Kidtasks is an organizer for your children’s daily routines, but it is good for the entire family.
This is how it works.
1) Parents create a list of tasks. It could be as simple as “feed your pet”, “brush your teeth”, “water the plants”, “do the dishes”, etc.
Parents you can even rate each task in points.
2) Family members do the tasks on the list and get points!
3) Parents set your own exchange rate. Eg 1 point may be equal to 1$. Having collected a certain amount of points, the children may ask their parents for their “salary” for their work!
Why this AP useful for PARENTS: Because it will help to give Kids a sense of responsibility and prepare them for the things they need to do when they become older.
Why this AP is useful for CHILDREN: Children will be rewarded when they help out with chores around the house! They will have the opportunity to get a “salary” or pocket money in exchange for working on their tasks.
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In my book “Out of the Snares, a story of Hope and Encouragement”, I share a similar story about my molester fingering me in his car as he drove me to school. I had the mindset to become a player in this game of life and not become a victim. You see victims have no power. Like Kelly she was powerless to stop her father from molesting her. In fact, another sobering part of her story was when she told her father “No” and he returned with the handle of a mop and stuck it up her ass. He told her with that move that she was nothing more than his bitch and he could do with her anything he wanted.
Women are placed in Rehab facilities either by the Police, their families or sometimes they walk in on their own accord
Rehab facilities are an intensive in house process
As the in house Therapist my job was to administer, drug and alcohol treatments to these women with trauma, by helping them to learn from their addictions.
These Therapy sessions were conducted one on one and their, drug and alcohol treatments, were first understanding how they got to that point in their lives.
They first had to accept that they were addicts
These, drug and alcohol treatments for women with trauma, were 30 days to 6 months and sometimes even years
Most people including families do not understand that, drug and alcohol treatments for women with trauma, were not miracle drugs, these women were trying to get over abuse from their childhood. They can't be cured in 6 months when they had these traumas for 10, 20 even 30 years.
After the intensive in house, addiction and recovery, treatments these women continue their, drug and alcohol treatments for women with trauma, in an half way house for about one year. In this house they are expected to remain clean, get jobs, practice self love and self care and become contributing members to their community.
For more information on Dr Tra Ahia's work and to pick up a copy of her book visit her on the web at www.forlifeservices-cc-com
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Here are some of the Symptoms from Childhood Sexual Trauma Resulting in Addiction.
PTSD is a mental health condition triggered by a traumatic event. Symptoms can emerge months or even years after the sexual trauma. Some common symptoms of PTSD include flashbacks, nightmares, intense distress when exposed to sights, sounds, or smells that trigger memories of the trauma, and bodily reactions when reminded of the trauma.
Dissociation
Dissociation, often associated with PTSD, is feeling disconnected or dissociated from one’s body. It can affect a person’s ability to focus, concentrate and function for periods of time. In an effort to detach from the sexual trauma, people learn to numb themselves from the pain. Dissociation is often referred to as avoidance coping, because survivors use it as a mechanism to escape and pull away from their past.
The Road to Recovery
The recovery from sexual trauma is a healing journey that takes time. Children who have been traumatized by sexual abuse often report feelings such as shame, terror, depression, and guilt. They often blame themselves for the abuse. Although drugs and alcohol can give survivors a moment of reprieve, there are dangerous risks and high costs to that emotional escape.
Sexual abuse not only leaves emotional and psychological scars, but it can lead to dangerous risk-taking behaviors, like using drugs. Substances are only a temporary fix and they can’t erase the past. Fortunately, dark moments don’t have to last, and drugs don’t have to cover unhealed wounds. Survivors can learn healthy coping skills and become a beacon of encouragement and hope to other youth who travel a similar path toward healing.
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Additional Resources for Drug and Alcohol Treatments for Women with Trauma
We have to change the, negative thinking. I work on not just on your, stinkin thinking, but also your behaviors, because they both work in sync together. So for example, if your, stinkin thinking, is all men are liars and cheaters, you're coming in to a relationship waiting to be cheated on and lied to and that is what you manifest.
Jaime B. Haas is founder of the Jaime B. Haas Method, a guided process that draws from spirituality, positive psychology, mindfulness and life experiences. The Method helps individuals heal from intergenerational, societal and emotional trauma, freeing them to reconnect with their personal power, gain clarity on what they really want to achieve in life, and dismantle any deep-seated beliefs holding them back from moving forward. Her work is motivated by a painful past, at 40 she came to a place of complete surrender. Her approach is rooted in the belief that when you focus on finding the root of the pain and the related stories you’ve told yourself you will be able to change the way you see yourself and the world. Known to her clients as the Soul Surgeon, they say her Method has helped heal wounds that no other modality, including therapy, was able to help them achieve and find lasting love—starting with themselves
Myrna: Can you share your back story. You mentioned that at 40 years old you came to a place of complete surrender. How was your childhood?
Jaime: Finding the, core programming, right? I'll try and give you the basics, but I was adopted having a younger sister. My parents have isms. So, isms would be like, food addiction, spending addictions. My father left when I was 10 years old, for another woman that he was cheating with on my mother, and I went and moved in with her and her children. And so, that was the beginning of the end, because I worshiped my father. When my father walked out on my mother, she became completely emotionally unavailable. Her addiction started taking off and then I had very abusive step family that were very intent on hurting me and trying to divide my father and I.
Myrna: So sad. It sounds like it's still painful for you to talk about. But I wanted to get the connection between your childhood and your adult story.
Jamie: Thank you. Yeah, I mean, I feel sad for little me. You know what I mean? I think I've done so much work around it. I don't really talk about myself as much anymore, I talk to my clients. My mother wound up hating men and had a lot of negative stories about men that she used to pour into me, and also a lot of stuff around money and work. My father was like, you're just gonna get married to this rich Jewish man and be taken care of. Don't worry about you wanting to dance or you want to act. No, none of that's gonna happen. Those are just a few of the multitude of stories and programming that I got that created me at 40 in the bottom.
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Our Negative Thinking is downloaded from our parents
Myrna: Okay, let's talk about the positive things now. So, when you hit rock bottom, you spent two years figuring out why. What I'm understanding is that you started erasing all those, negative thoughts and, negative thinking, stinkin thinking, that was downloaded into you by your mom. Let's say somebody is in the same scenario or situation and they can't seem to make it happen. How can we start changing the, negating thinking? Yeah, what is the first thing you do?
Jaime: I just want to be clear; this is for men or women because I work with a lot of men, that maybe been divorced. We have to go back to the, root belief system. Most of my women clients are very angry at men and have very specific thoughts and, beliefs, about men and relationships. And my men clients are very angry at women and has very specific experiences, thoughts and beliefs around women. First, we have to get to what is the top, negative belief, or limiting fear-based thoughts that's going on in your head. So, I usually start with that and most people the first, negative thoughts, we must release are “men are liars and cheaters” and “women are all controlling”.
Myrna: Wow, you hit the nail on the head. If we're going to characterize men, that's actually pretty good.
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Jaime: Because that's a, negative thought, right? Or a, limiting belief, or a, fear-based thought, but it's the prevailing thought that's driving the ship. Because then you make all of your decisions based on how you're going to protect yourself, how you're going to react to something new.
Myrna: So, let's say that you were you think that all men are liars and cheaters, and that's because maybe your father cheated on your mom. Then you experienced it yourself. And maybe you have a sample of two or three, but then you say all men are liars and cheaters. How do you change this, stinkin thinking?
Jaime: So let me see if I can break it down in a different way for you because if you've had an experience and you are thinking that all men are cheaters. We have to change that, negative thinking. I work on not just on your, stinkin thinking, but also your behaviors, because they both work in sync together. So it's like if your, stinkin thinking, is all men are liars and cheaters, you're coming in to a relationship waiting to be cheated on and lied to.
So this is where the pattern where it comes in. So you come in and whatever the, coping mechanisms, you have set up for your, negative thinking, and specific behaviors you're doing, bring you back to the original pain. So you have all these behaviors to protect yourself, but in the end, you end up been lied to and cheated on. And you're like, I knew it. How did I end up here again?
Myrna: Yep, whatever you think about, you bring about.
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Negative thinking affects our behaviors
Jaime: That's correct. Well, and this is I'm trying to explain to you in a bigger way and I can then unpack it in a smaller way, but I need it because my, belief system, is based on that you are in a state of woundedness. You will continue to bring in people and situations to take you back to the wound to reaffirm the pain. So okay, that's manifesting 101.
But it's in direct relation to not just our, negative thinking, but how we're behaving. So how are we going to change that? So on the top line, there's like, we can go on the top line or the deep stuff. So on the top layer, is that you're gonna have to tell yourself a different story about men. Like there are good men in the world. There's good, honest, loyal men in the world. And I am bringing them in. All my turnarounds are, affirmations.
Because all the negative stuff you've been telling yourself is actually a, negative affirmation. You've now created a way of being by affirming this belief. So now we have to unprogram and reprogram in a new way by telling yourself a new, affirmation, to imprint a new belief. The new, affirmation, is “there are good men in the world.” “There are good, honest, loyal men in the world and I am bringing them to me.” Are you with me so far?
My, belief system, all men are liars and cheaters was downloaded to me from my mom. She hated men after my father walked out on her. Not only did she tell me that all men lie and cheat, but she added all they want to do is get in your pants. Once they do, they're gonna leave you. And so I really had a thing for men, I wanted to stick it to them. I have other clients that were afraid of men, but I wanted to go out and punish men. I wanted to punish them so they couldn't do it to me. I didn't get cheated on. I like hurt everybody.
So I had to do a lot of cleaning up my, stinkin thinking. But the most amazing part of my, stinkin thinking, was that I built a, belief system, on my mother's pain, not mine. He did that to her not to me.
Our, belief systems, follow us everywhere. We take our, beliefs, into work, into business, into friendships, into our relationships, everywhere. As deep seated core program, beliefs and stories, and it affects every area of our life. It's so powerful, we don't even know.
I'm gonna interject, I got to stick up for my men. All the men that I work with had really controlling, dominating, emotionally abusive mothers. And so they actually don't do any of the stuff we're talking about. They're actually afraid of women. They are people pleasers. Which means they're totally dishonest because they're terrified of being punished.
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Myrna: There's always an exception to the rule. I do know a lot of very nice men that are very family oriented and love their families and love their wives. And wouldn't wouldn't even think to cheat. I think that happens when they fall in love and they have a family. I didn't know what happens when they're sowing your wild oats.
So let's talk about psychology for a minute. Before we get onto your, Jaime B. Hass method. You're saying that we are hardwired for, negative thinking, and there's four ways that we're hardwired to have, stinkin thinking. We become programmed by our childhood experiences and maybe early adult experiences that have left us wounded. So where does the, negative thinking, come from?
Jaime: As a child what our parents say is very powerful. And the more they say it, the more it is programmed into us, the more we start telling the story, the more than the, negativity, comes in.
Myrna: I don't have any psychological understanding of why we are more prone to latch onto and stay focused on the, negativity. And it's really fascinating, right? Because there could be all this good, but it's like the minute there's something bad happens, that's all we think about.
Jaime: We actually are hardwired for, negative thinking. That is why I created the, Jaime B Hass method, that has helped women heal their wounds and achieve lasting love.
So not just women, though. I want to be clear, men and women. So, what I've come to find is that, negative thinking, is the root of the problem. It's a lack of self love and a disconnection from self and trying to get our well being from the outside. So the first part of the journey is learning how to love yourself. Right because once we love ourselves, truly love ourselves, we can allow in more negative feelings like loneliness.
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Until we practice, self love, we're fractured and so all the relationships we bring in are going to be fractured. I call it, emotionally unavailable. We're, emotionally unavailable, because we're not even there for ourselves, we don't love ourselves. So, you know, that is actually the beginning. of the journey. I don't tell you that right away because people be like, I don't want to get into coaching where I have to love myself like what is that about? I just want to fix the problem and move on.
Myrna: I love that yeah, if you can't love yourself. You can't be in a love relationship because you can't give away what you don't have. It's very profound.
Jaime: Yes, that's correct. And so what I've also found is that there's not one thing that fixes the problem. It's actually a concoction of a multitude of things when done all together, to create the secret sauce. And so, you know, in the getting to the self love and starting to create a connection with the universe and yourself and then reprogramming and changing your thinking and your behaviors.
The more that magnet within you shifts and changes the more what you start to bring in shifts and changes and all of your relationships become more loving. The people and situations become more aligned with who you are inside. And then you're bringing in that person that perfectly aligns with you who you are now. But we have to evolve and change first so that we can change in shape shift and change inside to match up and align with that which we are actually calling in and desiring.
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That's the first layer. I have found that there are 10 actions to help us get to, self love, and connection. What I do in the, Jaime method, is that we do the patterns with your parents. I go back to mom and dad, specifically three patterns for parent each parent, we do a letter of healing. It's really the letter of acceptance and healing. So that when we do that, remember in the beginning I said you if you're in a state of woundedness you will bring in light so we heal the wound. We are no longer attracted to or attracting that.
So we do that last person we do is yourself and then we begin to manifest and it's just but we have to heal clear reprogram and change everything and love ourselves and get a connection with the universe so that we can really be this vessel, this huge magnet of magic, so to speak of love and healing. And then we start aligning with and bringing him you're not chasing going after figuring it out.
People in situations start coming to you a lot of attraction you know like thoughts, you know, when you are in a negative space, then you're attracting, negativity, to you because that is basically what's what's the alignment you know, like attracts like.
So when when we're in that place, we actually surround ourselves with people who are also in negative thinking, who are also talking that way who are reaffirming that even if we're not talking about it, they're talking about it right. So we carry it from our childhood into the present day. So it's like and then we're watching like the news and finding the negative things are we're watching certain things, or reading a lot of things or being around people and going into situations that where it's all this pervasive negative talk.
Conclusion
Myrna: What inspired the topic and how our listeners can get in contact with you.
Jaime: Okay, great. Thank you. So I'm working on a book right now. It's actually on, self love. Actually, because my method will come later. The reason being is that anyone can do this. And if you do it for 30 days, it changes your life immediately. So that I wanted to get the fastest way of healing out to everybody and anybody that you get it now. my website is www.jaimebhaas.com My Instagram is Jaime B Haas and my Facebook is Jaime B Haas and also my YouTube is Jaime B Haas.
You can find the, self love, actions on my web site.
Child Abuse, and, sexual abuse, Statistics, show a connection between, child abuse, Mental Health, addiction, and depression.
In her book “Call me an addict, war on Women” By Dr Tra Ahia. shares Kreta's story of, child abuse, and sexual abuse, that started with her biological mother. I think this is very rare. Kreta said her mother was a sick person. Her, child abuse, was by her mother. Her mother used to make her kids do sexual acts on her boyfriend and her. Her mother and boyfriend also had sex in front of her and her brothers and sisters. This, abuse, started when she was about 4 years old.
Listen to the full interview here:
Kreta's story of, sexual abuse
Kreta was raped by an older boy around the age of 7.
Kreta's, child abuse, started when she was only 8 or 9 years old when she started smoking weed, crack and sniffing blow. As she got older when she didn't have money, she would perform sexual acts for coke.
Even though she was a good student in school she started ditching school to sleep with older men and eventually dropped out of school.
She started working for a pimp who continued her, sexual abuse, he beat her all the time and had other men rape her and pie on her. After a string of, sexually abusive, relationships She got pregnant several times while still doing drugs. She had two abortions; but decided to keep her third pregnancy – a baby girl.
She went in and out of rehab several times trying to stay clean but always relapsed.
Kreta's story ended the saddest of all 3 stories from the book “Call me an Addict, war Her, strange addiction, was out of control. She got so high one night that she stabbed her baby to death. She got life in prison.
Child Abuse Statistics
Risk for intimate partner violence
Alcoholism and alcohol abuse
Illicit drug abuse
Smoking & drinking at an early age
Depression
Suicide attempts
I want to say that Kreta's mother surprised me; but I have heard, sexual abuse, stories like this one before. I had a coaching client who told me that her mother stopped having sex with her husband and when she was 4 years old gave her to her husband to have sex with. Tyler Perry tried to bring attention to this, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, in his movie Madea Family Reunion .
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70 percent of perpetrators have between 1 and 9 victims.
Child abuse, statistics, show as many as 40 percent of children who are, sexually abused, are abused by older or more powerful children.
Sex offenses are the crimes least likely to involve strangers as perpetrators. Although a smaller percentage of, sex offenders, are women, the majority are male. Sex offenders, are generally NOT “dirty old men” or strangers lurking in alleys. They are typically not obviously mentally ill or retarded. In fact, sex offenders, are usually well known and trusted by the children they victimize, and frequently are members of the family, including fathers and stepfathers, brothers, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and cousins. There is no clear-cut description or profile of a, sex offender. Thus, there is no way to recognize a potential, sex offender, and abuser; and it's often hard to believe that a trusted individual would be capable of abusing children.
Children who disclose their abuse within one month are at a reduced risk for, depression, or substance abuse and, addiction. Believe your kids when they talk to you and LISTEN.
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Why, Addiction and Depression are by products of Child Abuse
Although any type of, addiction, can trigger violence, those most likely to impair judgment, like drug and alcohol, addiction, are most often linked to addiction-related violence. Drug and alcohol use can weaken self-control, it’s not uncommon to see people who are under the influence engaging in behavior they usually wouldn’t if they were sober.
People living with, strange addictions, who commit violent crimes, is usually as a result of intoxication or as a means of obtaining money to finance their habits. According to an article published in Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment, more than 75 percent of people who seek treatment for, drug addiction, report having performed acts of violence, including mugging, physical assault and using a weapon to attack another person.
People who suppress negative feelings like anger or, depression, are more likely to drink or use, drugs, to the point of intoxication and exhibit violent behaviors. If you have Pent-up rage and you are using drugs, you are more likely to act violently because loss of self-control can increase your chances to act on your anger.
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Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help sexual abuse survivors
Dr Tra Ahia How does CBT help , sexual abuse survivors, to love themselves? What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
Evidence is growing that, cognitive-behavioral therapy, (CBT) is an effective treatment for, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, including those who have experienced physical, child abuse, and other traumatic events.
Most of the studies that have evaluated Trauma focused-CBT have been well designed. This treatment model represents a synthesis of trauma-sensitive interventions and well-established CBT principles treatment-outcome studies for, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, and otherwise traumatized children. The therapy was developed to resolve, post-traumatic stress disorder, and, depression, and anxiety symptoms, as well as to address underlying distortions about self-blame, safety, the trustworthiness of others, and the world. The treatment also fits, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, and other traumatic experiences into a broader context of children's lives so that their primary identity is not that of a victim.
Child abuse, statistics, show that CBT therapy allows, sexual abuse, victims to learn self-love.
Don’t wait until sexual temptation attacks you before you see it as a formidable force which seeks to destroy you. Its insidious tactic is designed to enslave you into sexual sins and keep you locked into erotic desires. How you perceive sexual temptation in your life, determines how well you will overcome its deceitful force, and walk in total victory.
“Naked and Ashamed, the Battle of Sexual Temptation.” is a Christian self-help book that explains what sexual temptation is, and gives you Biblical scriptures on how to control your sexual desires, and unnatural urges. With chapters such as recognizing the tempter, and rejecting the flesh, you will study strategies on how to recognize situations that tempts you, and learn how to keep your flesh under subjection.
Although we will all be tempted sexually at some time, we can learn from this book on how to refrain from overreacting and falling into sexual bondage. So put on your seatbelt and get ready to be free from all of your unwanted sexual desires and temptations. Order “Naked and Ashamed, The Battle of Sexual Temptation” today! Written by Sheela Fields, now available on Amazon.
Dr Tra I am curious after listening to 100 stories like the ones you told in your book and from all the data you have collected over your 30 years in this space. Why do you think fathers and stepfathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, and cousins, abuse, little girls?
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I want to comment on one of the, child abuse, statistics, the one that says 70% of perpetrators have between 1 to 9 victims. I remember my, sexual abuse, It was from a man who I called grandfather, even though he was no relation. He used to tell me to bring my friends, and he would do the same thing to them as he did me. In fact he had a reputation of liking little girls. I never told anyone!
That’s another thing, child abuse, and, sexual abuse, statistics, show, victims never tell.
Here are 5 tips for loving yourself after, child abuse, and, sexual abuse,
Read Positive affirmations
Heal the mind through the body (ie. Boxing, Running, Martial Arts)
Mindful breathing exercises and meditation (stop, breathe and think app)
Channel your pain into creativity ( i.e.journaling)
Ask for help when you need it
Conclusion, Child Abuse, and, Sexual Abuse
Dr Tra, Do you support the, child abuse statistic, that says that if kids who are experiencing trauma of any kind tells someone who offers support, it has a direct and positive effect on the, sexual abuse and addiction connection?
Totally, when you tell someone what is being done to you, you release the shame of thinking you are to blame. You will also get help to cope with the emotions. When you stay silent it eats away at you all your life and then you self-medicate with, drugs, and alcohol and your, sexual abuse, continues into your adult relationships.
Additional Resources on Child Abuse and Sexual Abuse
When you have an, adaptable mindset, it means you're going to be, adaptable, to almost anything in life. So, what's the definition of an, adaptable mindset, and how can we develop it?
Robert Overweg is the founder of the, Adaptable Mindset program. He and his team empower people to develop their own, adaptable Mindset, to develop mental flexibility. Learn how to create, mental space, and to find new possibilities. In our rapidly changing world, we keep feeling the impact of unpredictable events to which we have to adapt.
Robert teaches how, adaptability, is about empowerment and finding new perspectives. The Adaptable Mindset program has been applied at several Fortune 500 companies including Chanel, and Heineken, multiple SMEs and innovative schools. They have also supported over a thousand students and solopreneurs with their online program.
Myrna: What do you credit your, adaptable mindset, to even as a kid?
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Robert: My parents gave me a lot of freedom to explore. The told me, hey, if you want to be an artist or professor, do what makes you happy. I was always photographing crawling around and founded my own photography company when I was like 17 years old. I was very naïve and I thought, hey, I can do this. I was just always failing forward again and again. I noticed that a lot of people haven't had that upbringing. But it's not necessarily to have such an upbringing to be able to flow through life.
You can also find it later on, but it takes work and that's why we found with the, Adaptable mindset program, and like all of our testimonials show that people can find their spark and find their drive can find these different perspectives again. You can make the work fun and you can make the work playful so it's it doesn't feel like a work just creating, mental space.
Myrna: When I was growing up, everybody said that, you needed to be a lawyer or a doctor, to be considered successful and they were stuck in that. If they didn't go to medical school or they didn't become a lawyer, they kind of felt that they were a failure of some sort, you know what I mean?
So, a, creative mindset, would definitely be an, adaptable mindset. Because in order to have, creativity, you've got to let energy flow through, you got to let source flow through. You got to be in touch with and feeling your environment. So that's probably why you gravitated towards, adaptability, and started your design company at 17. You had that, creativity, almost kind of built in.
So, like I started off by saying, we are, adaptable. As human beings we were born with the ability to be, adaptable. So why do we need that, adaptability? Why do you think that God hardwired us to be, adaptable, people?
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Robert: God did it to everything. From nature to animals otherwise you aren't able to survive. It's just a very natural thing to do. Also, if we look at new theories, we also see that it's not just survival of the fittest and adaptation. It's also working together and that's maybe something that we forgot a little bit as humankind. Most of us have heard about survival of the fittest, but not about doing as a collaborative effort. And yeah, I think like everyone also has the ability to have an, adaptable mindset, we make so many silly rules, which narrow our frame of view, which limit our own, creativity.
And then we put upon our children and we teach that limitation in schools as well because we make life simpler than it is. we compartmentalize things at school. So, we deny people who understand the entirety, you are not trained in intuition you're not trained in in compassion. You're not trained in imagination. It's mainly different kinds of sports, more of the art skills and then you get grades. And then if you if you don't pass your grades, then you're a failure like entire system is set up to compartmentalize not really help you.
Adaptable mindset in business, is the same in organizations too much compartmentalization. You're not really valued for your, creativity. And then we have media which is constantly distracting your social media which is railroads are thinking we're constantly being narrowed in a frame of view we're being boxed in. And that's not how we are meant to be meant to be. You should be able to find your own path and do whatever the heck you want actually, as long as it contributes to the to the greater good.
Myrna: When I thing of an, adaptable mindset, I'm thinking along the lines of, adaptable to change. Alright, so let's take the pandemic. We had to do a lot of changes and we had to, adapt. In fact, they're saying that we will never go back to where we were before. So, let's say that, we're accustomed to the grind of getting up in the morning at six o'clock and taking the train or driving in rush hour traffic to get to work and then all of a sudden, you are stuck at home by yourself.
You don't have people to talk to, you don't you don't have that communication with people. A lot of people got really depressed, because they didn't have that outlet. So, talk about that kind of, adaptability. Why do we need, adaptability, for things like crisis?
Robert: A lot of people, of course, everyone went through this experience, and some fared better than others. Right? A lot of people indeed became depressed and weren't really connected anymore to what inspired them. The people who did flourish, often took care of themselves, or went out for walks, did their own exercising, took care of proper nutrition, maybe even getting in touch with the restoration.
So, everyone has to decide. It doesn't matter if he fails, then you pick up the next one and just keep on expanding the mind even putting new information in and just keep on repeating that. Also being conscious of how the world reacts to it and what the world needs. So okay, now I need to work from home. But what can I do? You can do that by finding different perspectives and assessing how you can get out of the situation or how you can get the most out of it while remaining calm.
The world is very demanding, you need to find that countermeasures to be able to get clarity again and to connect again to what you want to do instead of the outside world.
Myrna: As you were talking, I remembered that a lot of times me personally and some people that don't like change, right? And anytime that you have opportunity to change, you kind of want to stay the same because you're comfortable there. But I found that anytime I resist change, and then I leap forward into it, It works out a whole lot better than what I was didn't want to change from. Who would have thought that people would like to work from home. But now they're finding reasons that it's a whole lot better.
You kind of, adapt, to whatever situation you're in and that's probably why God programmed us with, adaptability, because things change. Even our wealth and our health, sometimes you can go from, being very wealthy and then you're poor, and you got to, adapt. People don't really, adapt, but they at least try. Or you go from being healthy one day to being bed ridden the next day.
You got to find a way to make that work for you. You know what I mean? So, when I think of, adaptability, that's what I'm thinking of, any situation that has changed, and you got to fix it. One day you are married and you’ve got the second income and all of a sudden, you're divorced and you now you are a single mom struggling to pay your bills. We all have to develop an, adaptability mindset.
Who moved my cheese
We always resist change. I remember way back when I was in the corporate world, they, you know, one of my companies made us read this book, Who Moved My Cheese, and they made all employees read that book as part of the onboarding training because they know that people hate change, and everybody's gonna resist change. Corporations hire coaches to help people, adaptability mindset.
What are some of the pros the pros, of an, adaptable mindset?
Robert: If you have an, adaptable mindset, there’s room for growth? You ask yourself, what can I learn from it? If there's nothing that you can learn from it, just move on.
Myrna: Yeah, there's always something you can learn even if it's not what not to do. So, if we find that our personalities are the type of person that we don't like change, we're stuck in the same mode. You know, that our parents told us to do, you know what I mean? We're not growing, we're not curious. We're just stuck. How can someone in that space, develop adaptability? Is there like some steps that they can do?
Robert: Yeah, I think it's very beneficial to start with what you're curious about. Because what you're curious about is about, adaptability.
Myrna: A lot of people that are not curious, let's assume they're not curious. They're just gonna do what they know.
Robert: Well, there's always something that you can be curious about. It can even be a TV program or channel on discovery or whatever. You do need to have a sense of, curiosity, still in you, otherwise, there needs to be a willingness from the individual. You know, that it starts there. It starts with you taking that step forward, and putting more of the stuff in your life, which inspires you.
And if you find something even if it slightly makes you curious, then keep on exploring and keep on pulling on that thread and through more of that into your life. It could also be that you just feel that your mind is totally overflowing and you don't have any space, you don't have any time to be curious.
Myrna: With an, adaptable mindset, you can change because the mindset is your software, right? So, when you have an, adaptable mindset, that means you're going to be, adaptable, to almost anything in life. So, let's discuss what is an, adaptable mindset, your definition. How can we develop that mindset?
Robert: That's what, mindset, is that you're always able to find a fresh perspective that you have openness, openness to new ideas is a very large aspect of that. Because openness allows you to see more things. It's also about expanding our frame of mind. You know, everyone has their own specific frame of mind through which they look through the world.
And sometimes we forget that everyone has their own specific frame of mind, that the frame is like a letterbox issue to the world. It narrows your frame of view whether you notice it or not. So, it's always a good idea to start chipping away at that frame to try and expand it and expose yourself to art, to movies, to music that it lights up your soul and do that often and maybe less of the Instagram scrolling. Did you know that Kim Kardashian has a new boyfriend? Not really expanding her frame of mind?
Myrna: Yes, a lot of time and other people's business take up space in our mind. Everyone is now watching Johnny Depp.
Robert: We need to create more brain space to also filter more content, but also work on creating more cognitive flexibility through movement through sports like yoga, meditation, cycling, strength training, all of these things are scientifically proven to create more cognitive flexibility. It makes you better able to deal with uncertainty and ambiguity like strength training, strong mind and body because a strong body equals a strong mind.
It's so extremely logical, but we are we've become such sedentary creatures and we're always sitting in a chair on our phone. And of course, you'll be more flexible because you've got such so much data of solutions and possibilities and your, subconscious mind, is able to make new connections. The other important thing is it's what you see with people who have great scientific discoveries Nobel Prize winners. All of these people, they also have, mental space.
And they had ways to sort of resynthesize what they experienced by playing violin, doing juggling unicycling going for long walks, going sailing, and doing that for hours. When do we still take time ever do nothing? Absolutely nothing. Or just react to something like violin or go for a walk. It's often that we have a second device for doing something else or thinking about something to think different and to speak different as well.
So, what we see is that most people change when they encounter change. They say, Ah, it's not possible. Oh, that will never happen here. And you know, all like these walls that they put up. And it's debatable if that is very helpful. But what might be more beneficial is to always think positive and how it could be possible. And just always having that open view.
The Adaptable Mindset program
Myrna: Your, adaptable mindset program, you said that you have helped over 1000 students and a lot of entrepreneurs you know solo entrepreneurs. Tell us about your program.
Robert: So, we have an online program, which is curiosity based, it's very playful. You can choose your own boss through the program and you can start with our nature game’s philosophy, doesn't really matter. And just take all your inspiration and expand your mind. There is a masterclass in there as well on how to create, mental space. There is a segment on how to deal with a, fear of failure, like all things that you use during your development, and you can just choose what you need and what resonates with you.
You don't have to do everything or actually anything at all. I don't really mind like as long as it actually works for you. So, we've got the online program, and then we do workshops, and organizational transformation in these larger organizations as well. And then normally, the first week with Chief Technology Officer head of innovation, head of digital, someone in a leadership position, and then we talk about the ENA company. How other teams are structured, what people are lacking, how to stop being stressed out, these kinds of things and then make a custom program to support people in resolving these challenges. So, you get more creativity, more imagination, more mental space, because that is what most organizations need.
In this 21 Day, money mindset, Challenge we help people identify all of the, money beliefs, getting in their way and then shift them into different, beliefs, that are supportive of building wealth and abundance and joy with, money. And then beyond that, to building the structures that really lead towards financial success.
A gang of armed men broke into Chana Mason's childhood home in Bogota, Colombia, And held her family hostage. Her family miraculously fled to Miami, but 5-years-old Chana’s sense of safety was decimated. Two decades later, Chana still dealt with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. To heal herself, she dove into a journey to rediscover her peace and joy. She’s learned from the world’s top experts on the human mind and uses her gift for turning complex ideas into easy-to-access tools for transformation.
Through her straight talk, open heart, and addictive joy, Chana helps thousands clarify their vision, shift beliefs getting in their way, and manifest their dreams. Chana lives with her family in the funky Nachlaot neighborhood of Jerusalem and works with individuals and communities around the world.
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Byron Katie's book The Work as the foundation for shifting mindset
I love Byron Katie's book, “The Work” I follow her work so, and I started doing some of those exercises or tools. So, I know what you're talking about in your book “Hold That Thought”. From your bio, you said that because you had, PTSD, so you started to, to train with a top world expert. So can you bridge the gap for us, how your, childhood trauma, turned into you becoming a coach and a teacher and how you used Byron Katie's book, “The Work” as the foundation of one of your tools.
Chana: I was constantly in search of things that would help me stop having, anxiety and depression, and one of the things that I experienced which I kind of thought I was the only person in the world who had this because we have a tendency to be very lonely in our suffering and not talk about it.
I would have the worst, anxiety images, I would picture the most horrific things happening all the time. In my mind, I tend to picture things rather than have words as much. And so, as I walk off a bus, I pictured myself tripping off the bus and getting run over or I trip on the sidewalk and I would imagine my head bashing the sidewalk and blood and guts everywhere.
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Our thoughts are malleable
Those types of images were flooding my mind all the time, in addition because of the kidnap threat when I was a kid, I was constantly being scared of people on the street thinking I was gonna get kidnapped or thinking I was gonna get raped. All of that stuff, didn't respond at all to therapy. So, for years, I tried going to different therapists. Eventually I started learning about the concept that our thoughts are within our control and, thoughts, are malleable, but I didn't really have clear tools for how to shift those, thoughts, and I kept getting stuck.
Eventually, I found some really phenomenal coaches and healers; but there was something about Byron Katie's material that just really struck a chord. I was introduced to “The Works” as a process for inquiry. So, The Works, and the option process and other tools for inquiry also. Their goal is to help you ask questions. When you're facilitating someone else, you ask them questions that help the subconscious to bring up all of the answers and all of the beliefs and all of the rationale that we've been using to drive our behavior. Sometimes just seeing it on the surface makes us look at it and be like wait, that doesn't make any sense.
You know, so for example, a lot of people think that the best way to lose weight is believing that they should lose weight. My experience is that the belief that I should lose weight makes people want to eat more and exercise less. And so as soon as they see how they react to that belief, they realize, wait, this belief isn't working for me, even though I thought it would help me get to where I want to go.
Eventually, I wanted to help people to this theory clearly a journal work. So just came out with a new book, which I didn't even get to tell you about because it just came out. It’s called “Inner Voices.”
Also, in “Hold That Thought” people get a free taste of “Inner Voices” at the end of the book.
Myrna: When I was reading “The Works” I used the inquiry for my, beliefs, regarding my husband. Married people have conflict over certain different things so this was helpful for me. I loved the inquiry, is that true? How do you know that’s true? So, how did you use that book specifically to get rid of your, anxiety images?
Chana: So for me, the purpose of inquiry is to question our thinking. For some people thinking manifests as words. And for other people it manifests as pictures. But what's cool about a picture is that it's not just one belief. Usually a picture, is a container for lots and lots of, beliefs. So, if you're picturing yourself, God forbid, driving off the road, there's a lot of, beliefs, in there.
Not safe when I'm driving.
The world is not a safe place.
I can't trust myself on the road.
I can't trust other drivers on the road.
I'm going to die.
I'm going to die in a painful way.
I'm going to die right now.
Asking is it true to shift your mindset
Think about how many things come up. And so, if you can just sit and think about what are the, beliefs, that are embedded in these, anxiety images? I want for your audience to really understand what inquiry is so I can give you a simple example. There was one time that I was in Heathrow Airport, sort of transitioning via London to the United States from Israel. And Heathrow Airport is huge, it's like a mall, and there's a point when you walk through it, it's like walking through the perfume section of a mall. And I saw this huge poster image advertisement of a scantily clad model standing next to a bottle of perfume.
The only thing at the bottom of what brands it was the brand of the perfume, but there were no words on this marketing. This was a big poster. And yet when I looked at it, I noticed that my stomach started to turn. So, for me, the thing that drives me to question my thinking is my emotional state. And my emotional state is a combination of just straight up emotions like anger or sadness, and physiological experiences because we feel emotions inside of our bodies. So, for me, my stomach started to turn and I started to feel a little bit sad and worthless. And so immediately I knew there's something happening in me from this poster. This poster was telling a story, and that story wasn’t feeling good.
I immediately knew to ask myself the question, Is this true? And as soon as I answered this is not true, my stomach was no longer in knots. I was able to shift my, mindset.
Myrna: So how do you help clients shift their, limiting beliefs, and manifest their dreams? We know that we can use the tools that we've been talking about to question how we're feeling, question our, belief system, and so on, but how could we use it for you to shift your, limiting beliefs, and manifest your dreams?
Chana: One of the things I do as a coach is I help people clarify a vision for what it is they want to do with their lives. You know, they may want to build a business, want to increase their sales in real estate. I have a number of realtors that I work with. They may want to lose weight, it really just depends.
Everybody's a little bit different. But particularly for my business clients, actually, it's true even for somebody wanting to lose weight. What tends to happen is that they have a vision. There's something they want, they know it's a clear manifestation of their life's purpose, and would give them a tremendous amount of meaning.
Yet, they can't seem to get themselves to do it. They keep bumping into all sorts of obstacles along the way. And for that, I created a tool I called the, obstacle course. So, this is where I tend to use the tools of inquiry that I've gotten from others and create tools that help people. Let's say that you want to be 20 pounds lighter. So, I have a client who's in that situation right now. She wants to be 20 pounds lighter.
Myrna: Well, in your book I thought it was interesting this guy, I think he was a Potter or something and he was saying that he could never be successful as a Potter and you used the, obstacle course, to help him shift his, mindset, and remove his, financial baggage.
Chana: So that's a perfect sample. He had this vision of living out in the country and not living in the city and being professionally a Potter and actually making a living as a Potter. Being able to sustain a family that way. But it seemed so pie in the sky and impossible in his eyes. So, I asked him to do this, obstacle course. What are all the reasons why it's impossible? And for most of us who are visual, it really helps to actually see these, obstacles and remove our, financial baggage.
Everyone comes up with different things, I asked them to envision this dream they have as being someone in the distance in front of them like let's say it's right here. Then I asked them between here and the vision they have, what do they see? And one client said they see shards of glass and other person says they see clouds and other person says the image itself is a black and white, they don't see any color, all sorts of things like that, right?
So, for this guy, the obstacles between himself and the vision is the opportunity to speak. I said, okay, what are the shards of glass or what are the clouds have to say? And he said, It's impossible. I can't do it. I couldn't possibly make enough money to support a family, you know, all these different, beliefs. And he listed about 13 obstacles along with their, financial baggage. Then we have to do the inquiry and ask him “Is this true” and then get him to do a, turnaround to shift his, mindset, and unload his, financial baggage.
It's a lot. What's really cool is that for most of us the, beliefs, that are driving our lives and driving our behavior, are resting in the, subconscious mind. We're just not aware that they're there. And all we have to do is ask a question, like, what are those, obstacles, have to say or what am I believing right now? This making me feel this way? And it's just amazing. Our, subconscious mind, loves to follow orders. If we ask good questions, we get good answers.
So, if I ask, what am I believing right now the, subconscious mind, is like oh, you want to know your, beliefs. Here they are. They were all sitting under this consciousness, so we talked about money, for example, for most people, what keeps them from manifesting wealth and abundance? They have all of these, money beliefs, and for almost all of us our, money beliefs, are very deeply hidden in the, subconscious mind.
For two reasons. One is we got our, money beliefs, early from our family when we were kids. And the other is, money, is taboo. So, we have, money beliefs, but we don't know what they are. It's like for people for whom your body is taboo.
If God forbid, they ever get abused, well, if you don't know you have a penis. How do you tell someone that it got touched? So, in the same way, if you're not allowed to talk about, money, and, money, is this taboo thing? When things aren't going well with, money, you don't even have the language to talk about debt or stress or credit cards or building wealth or investments.
If you don't even have the language, you don't have the vocabulary for that. So, for this guy, once he was able to identify thoughts, then we could use all of the tools from inquiry from the auction process to, neuro linguistic programming, to The Works, to be able to address what he was doing.
Myrna: He must have thought that the only way that you can be successful is if maybe you're an accountant or professional or maybe his parents told him that a Potter is not a real job. I know about the, money mindset, because we grew up poor. You have a, money mindset, when you hear your parents or grandparents, say things like “money don't grow on trees” or, “money is the root of all evil.”
So, you've got it on both ends. So that's basically your, belief system. That is a great segue into what we want to talk about today, removing your financial baggage. Tell us about your 21 day, money mindset, challenge.
Chana: Yeah, I actually really want to focus on this thing of money doesn't grow on trees, because we have this 21 Day Challenge that helps people identify all of the, money beliefs, getting in their way and then shift them into different, beliefs, that are supportive of building wealth and abundance and joy with, money. And then beyond that, to building the structures that really lead towards financial success.
And one of the things that my husband and I decided to do in the, money mindset, challenge is that every single day, every single lesson has a story because we find that stories how we learn and particularly with, beliefs, stories are how we created our, beliefs. You know, your five-year-old Myrna is looking around and she's seeing how people are behaving right. She's living a story, and then she comes up with a whole collection of conclusions about what's true about the world. And some of those conclusions literally came out of people's mouths, but not always.
For example, two people could get divorced and a kid says, oh, my daddy doesn't love me. That's why he left. Even though Daddy never said that. There's no indication of that. Right? And it's probably the opposite of why it's true. Because Daddy loved the kid, he stayed longer than maybe he would have otherwise. There's just such a different collection of stories that kids can create. So, one of the stories that I use repeatedly with students to help them shift is to actually see that money does quite specifically grow on trees.
Myrna: I think ask you those questions. Is that true? What are the other questions? Do you go through in “The Works? Is that how you do them to shift their, mindset?
Chana: So, so there are a few questions that I ask. So, let's say you're believing. I'm not talented enough to start my own business. Okay, so you and I deal with people who believe that all the time I'm not trying to start my own business. So, one stream of questions could be doing “The Work of Byron Katie”,
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it's true?
How do you react when you believe that thought? You see what that thought does to you emotionally, physiologically, behaviorally, you notice that if I believe I'm not talented enough to start my own business, my body shrinks. I get really tight.
Personally, for me I want to crawl under the covers and hide. I'm much less social and under those circumstances, I literally can't start my own business. I can't do anything even remotely creative or audacious, well, unbelieving, that thought. So, the thought actually creates that reality. And isn't that convenient, right? One of the things that I can ask myself was also, is how do I benefit from believing that thought?
One benefit I get is that I can sit on the couch and drink beer and watch movies. It's like, because I'm not talented enough, which is beyond my control, right? It's not like oh, I'm going to work on my talent.
So, me as an author, my husband is also an author. We read books about writing books, and we take courses from authors and these work on our craft. We didn't used to be talented enough to write great books, but we are now working really hard, and hopefully it will be a lot better a decade from now. But to say I'm not talented enough to start my own business is sort of saying like, it's like a flatline and it means I don't even have to try. It's much more convenient to sit on the couch and eat ice cream.
The key part of Byron Katie's process is doing what she calls, turnarounds, where you take the original statement, and you say it's opposite. So, you say “I am talented enough to start my own business.” I'm talented enough to learn. I'm talented enough to ask questions. I'm talented enough to seek mentors. I'm talented enough at the one thing I know how to do, and I could outsource other pieces that I don't know how to do, where I'm not particularly talented.
So those would be me giving reasons why this new perspective is true. And every time I give a reason why the new perspective is true. I'm literally rewiring my brain into a different perspective and detaching from the old perspective. And the more I do that, the more I train my mind to question everything. And so, there's something really powerful about questioning absolutely every single thing you see. So, so in our, money mindset, challenge, we teach a number of different tools to help people shift their, beliefs.
One of the tools we teach is “The Works.” We teach a bunch of other tools. Another one of them is simply choosing to disentangle two concepts that you've glued together. For example, often when we're working with someone in financial coaching I will ask, please complete the following sentence. Rich people are ……… And often people will say things like greedy, selfish, slimy, evil, you know, out to get us, etc.
Myrna: Yes, they hear their parents saying those things.
Chana: Right, they have all of these different, beliefs. And what's really cool is you have a few options of what you can do with let's say, rich people are evil. Okay. You can ask yourself, are there times that you've met rich people who are good or generous?
Then list examples of wealthy people you know, who are particularly generous, and every single time all of a sudden the person is like, oh, yeah, you know, there's this guy in my community, and he's always taking care of everyone. And whenever anybody is in need, they can just go to him and he'll get some cash very quietly, secretly under the table.
And oh, yeah. And you know, my church wouldn't stand if it wasn't for these two women who are really rocking entrepreneurs, and they just they support the entire church and they do it so quietly, and oh, yeah, you know that big philanthropist, he's just giving money away all the time.
If they say poor people are good, so you can ask them have you ever met a poor person who's evil and you're like, oh, yeah, you know, there's this guy and it's like, okay, well, let's look at the vast majority of people who get arrested for theft, are they are rich people are people? The only thing you know for sure is that they're rich. And they are people, right?
Myrna; Right, Rich people are rich, no extra labels!
Why do you believe what you do?
Chana: Another really cool thing that comes from the auction process is a question I really like. It's why do you believe that?
Myrna: I'm sure a lot of people that can't answer that.
Chana: It's shocking how much the, subconscious mind, will give you an answer to these questions. We teach you other tools on how to take those thoughts and turn them into thoughts that support you. And then and then in the third week, we teach you financial principles and, and understandings of how, money, works so that you can really start moving more towards a positive supportive, money mindset.
Myrna: How can listeners connected with you and learn more about your 21 day challenge and, plus get a copy of your book?
Chana: My personal website is www.chanamason.com you can access my books @ Chanamason.com/books. Most of the books, are available as free downloads. I wrote a book together with my husband called “The Cash Machine.” It's all about how to develop financial independence, but it's a novel. It's a love story. It's like a really fun page turner. And we have another book about how to manifest your dreams called “The Size of Your Dreams,” which is also a novel, but also, personal growth, tools. And “Hold That Thought” that you mentioned and “In Our Voices,” are my 2 newest books. So people can go to that page and access any of those books and our, money challenge, they can access on My Courses page on my website, or they can go to www.moneymindsetmadness.com
The, secret of feeling, or calling of the invisible realm into the visible and feeling realm is beautifully told in the Bible story of, Isaac, blessing his second son, Jacob, by the belief, based solely upon, feelings, that he was blessing his first son, Esau.
One of the reasons all the wealth coaches tell you to first visualize how much money you want and then use your, feelings, to visualize it in your hand is because, emotions, and, feelings, are the invisible forces that creates.
It is told that, Isaac, who was old and blind, felt that he was about to leave this world and wishing to bless his first-born son, Esau, before he died, sent, Esau, hunting for savory venison with the promise that upon his return from the hunt he would receive his father’s blessing.
Jacob's mother Rebekah overheard the father promise to bless, Esau, and since, Jacob, was her favorite, she encouraged him to deceive his father and get the, first-born, blessing.
She sent, Jacob, to the flock to get a couple of young goats and prepared Isaac’s favorite meal. Then she wrapped Jacob's arms and neck with the skin from the goats so, Jacob, would feel like his brother, Esau.
Jacob deceives Isaac with feeling
When, Jacob, went in to see his father pretending to be his brother his father said you don’t sound like, Esau, come closer so I can feel you. Isaac, felt the hairy skin and through these, feelings, was convinced he was speaking to, Esau, and proceeded to give his, first-born, blessing.
He blessed him with an abundance of grain and wine which represents the later promise of a land flowing with, milk and honey. He blessed him with being the master over his brothers and having them bow down to him which represents the later blessing of being the head and not the tail the lender and not the borrower.
Finally, he blessed him that all who cursed him would be cursed and all who blessed him would be blessed, that took care of all his enemies both seen and unseen forever.
Feelings, consciousness and desire
The, secret of feeling, is that whatever you desire you must use your, feelings, before it manifests. Isaac, the blind father, is your consciousness; your awareness of being.
Esau, the hairy son, is your objectified world, the, present moment, your present environment, the world you know from your, senses.
Jacob, represents your desire or subjective state. An idea not yet embodied; in short your defined objective.
What is subjective feeling state?
What's the science? Subjective feelings, are central to everyday human life from forgetfulness to, feeling, ill or having a good day with a friend. Subjective feelings, is the current subjective phenomenological state of an individual.
The secret to feeling your way to your defined objective:
To use, feelings, to manifest your desires, first send your, problem, hunting. That means to take your attention off the problem.
Second – With your eyes closed and your attention removed from your present circumstances fix your mind on your, desire. Begin to access your, feelings, on what you want to manifest. Feel that the very place you are is the place desired; feel and sense the reality of it until you are consciously impressed with this fact.
Thirdly – in your, imagination, see the thing desired. If you cannot visualize it, use your, feelings, to sense the general outline of it; contemplate it. Then mentally draw it close to you, Isaac, said “Come close my son that I may feel you” feel the nearness of it, feel it to be in your immediate presence, feel the reality and solidity of it, feel it and see it placed in the room which you are seated, feel the thrill of actual accomplishment, and the joy of possession.
Conclusion
This is how you use, feelings, to manifest your, dreams, and, desires, and walk in your blessings of abundance.
This is coach Myrna Young and you are listening to 5 mins with coach Myrna
Moses, was a murderer and David was an adulterer and a murderer. They are the most talked about men in the Bible. Their mistakes did not affect their, miracles. Maybe it was God’s, strategy, to use their painful pasts to get them in the right, mindset, for him to use them for his glory.
Your background prepares you for your, miracle.
Whenever you survive, struggle, and God, made a way out of no way, you get stronger. When the next challenge comes your way, you say I have been through this before so I can handle this. Sometimes the, struggle, reveals your faith.
I have been cheated on before, if I made it through that, I can make it through this. You have to have the tenacity to say:
I been through the fire, but it didn’t burn me. I been through the, divorce, having no money in the bank, sickness but I am still standing. I went through the fire, but it did not consume me.
Pain teaches you how to fight for your kids, for your marriage, for your finances.
Jesus said “No one takes my life; I lay it down.” Don’t give anyone the permission to keep you down, use that, pain, as your fuel and let it reveal your, purpose.
The book, The Alchemist, teaches that we all have beginners luck when we decide to pursue our, personal legend, but before we realize it we will be tested. God will send some, pain. It will feel like going through a hail storm with the universe throwing rocks at you to determine how badly you want to win. Most will fold up and say it is too hard, it is too dangerous, it is too scary etc. That is why they say the richest place on earth is the graveyard because most die with their gifts unused.
Have you heard Tyler Perry’s story? Tyler Perry put on plays for 2 years and nobody came. The seats were empty but he continued. He even started living in his car because he had no money for rent. He was spending all his money on renting the facilities to put on his plays. He used his pain to reveal his purpose.
One day someone called him. (Your blessings will always find you.) and wanted to partner with him. He agreed and they planned an event but it turned out to be the coldest night in Atlanta he thought the seats would be empty again. He was surprised to see the long lines of people waiting to get into the theatre.
Because he pushed through the, pain, he knew that he had found his, purpose. That was the start of his success. He never looked back. He is now in the self-made billionaire club
It was Gods, strategy, to teach, Tyler Perry, how to be successful. He passed the test, can you?
Why are you in the, wilderness? The people of Israel wandered in the, wilderness, for 40 years and never got to see the, promised land, that God had given them.
They were in the, wilderness, because time and time again they showed contempt for God, never believing his word, even after witnessing time and time again his, miraculous signs.
You are in the, wilderness, because you let fear of the unknown predict your future.
The people of Israel refused to go into the, promised land, because they were afraid the giants in the land would kill them in battle and carry off their wife’s and children. They accepted defeat without even throwing a punch.
Don't let fear of the unknown keep you in the wilderness
Why do you need to, transform your mind? Because that is the way out of the, wilderness. Caleb and his family got to possess the, promised land, because his mind was right. He had no fear.
He said “Let’s go at once and take the land, we can certainly conquer it”
The, wilderness, is a mindset!
The wilderness mindset
The, wilderness mindset, is like the, poverty mindset, it always want to return to the familiar.
The, wilderness mindset, is accustomed to, struggle, it can’t phantom victory and abundance it always returns to, lack and struggle.
When new opportunities are presented the, wilderness mindset, will always take you back to what it perceives as safety and that is staying right where you are in the, dry barren desert.
What is a poverty mindset?
What is, Poverty Mindset? Having a, poverty mindset is a fear that you will never have enough. It holds you back by convincing you that your circumstances will never change for the better. This way of thinking manifests in two ways: Always spending what you have because you may not have more later.
Your dry, barren place, is anywhere that is not feeding your soul. It could be an abusive relationship, it could be a job you hate, it could be living in an unsafe home. But you stay because it is familiar and your basic need are being met.
But you weren’t created just to survive, you were created to live in a land flowing with milk and honey, to live with joy, peace, happiness, abundance, harmony. You were created to live in paradise.
So, if you find yourself in the, wilderness, ask yourself why are you there and do the work to find and possess your, promised land.
That’s why the detail of the, Promised Land, overflowing with milk and honey was so important: God promised His people a land where everything was in top working order. This was a land abounding in fruitful pastures and efflorescent vegetation. This was a land functioning in its proper, God-designed rhythms. The result was natural abundance.
The description “overflowing with honey” offers a glimpse into what God desires and promises us all — an invitation for us to taste and see that the Lord is good.
This is coach Myrna Young and you have been listening to 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna
Toyin Crandell, author of the Money Mindset Shift and host of the Millionaire Money Podcast, talks about helping her clients ditch their limiting beliefs about, money, by shifting their, money mindset, design a simple, proven and customized, financial freedom, plan so they can, build wealth, become, debt free, and create a new legacy.
Toyin Crandell is the host of the Millionaire Money Podcast, a best-selling author, a financial mentor, an international speaker, and the founder of Money Mindset SHIFT.
She specializes in helping business owners and career professionals ditch their limiting beliefs about, money, design a simple, proven, and customized financial freedom plan so they can build wealth, get rest, and create a new legacy.
She has coached thousands of individuals and families, helping them increase their wealth by $10s of millions of dollars and pay off millions of dollars of debt while enjoying their lives in the process.
Using the principles she teaches, Toyin Crandell went from being stuck in tens of thousands of debts, having no food for her family to building eleven streams of income and running her own multi-million-dollar company.
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Toyin: I was in full time ministry and I loved what I did. Me and my husband are both professional musicians. That's how we met. So, I was like, God is good. Life is good. Who needs, money. December 2016 we were living in a tiny basement apartment. The apartment was so small. I think our whole apartment fits into my current master bedroom now. It was so small; you had to go sideways and do a shuffle to get some clothes out of the closet. And we had a little six-month-old daughter, I really didn't care. I didn't even notice any of these things.
We had our daughter and I remember one evening my husband had brought me dinner in the bedroom. Because we didn’t have a dining space and I'm eating dinner, and I was just like, Baby, where are you? You know, he's not in the room like there's nobody else in the house but me and him. So, I said to him come eat over here. And he comes in the room and I'm just casually asking him, what are you having? I was eating some canned stuff. And he said, I am having chocolates and I was like, what do you mean chocolates? And he said Toyin we're out of food.
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I found out that week he had been giving me the rest of our food because I was nursing our daughter. And even the chocolates that he was eating were not chocolates that we bought. It was because it was December it was Christmas season and people had given us a gift of a box of chocolates. So, he was living on that, so I could feed our baby and that was my very first, forceful wakeup call where in my mind I thought to myself, Oh, my gosh, this isn't working, money, matters.
I started having 1000 thoughts in one second, I’m thinking to myself, we need to be able to feed my daughter. It's one thing when you're single and you don't have food and you can eat rice from January to December. Nobody cares. But now have a daughter that I am responsible for, so I get this wakeup call, what do I do? Me and my husband very resourceful people, I tell him it's not working. I've been watching a ton of webinars. I've been listening to all these different things to try to learn from people. And I was not working, else we would have food in the fridge.
So, I get my first coach and this person was a, business strategist, and they helped me to like start thinking more like a business person as opposed to thinking like a Lottie, Dottie person. And I remember in February I had collected $7,000 in cash and I was like oh my goodness, this is the breakthrough we've been waiting for.
Myrna: What did you sell to make the $7000?
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Toyin: I was helping people to become, debt free. So, here's the funny thing. I had debt in the past and I thought that, debt freedom, was, financial freedom, because I didn't understand, money. So, I learned how to be, debt free. And I had started teaching it as a business casually, I didn't even plan it. I just became, debt free. My friends were like, Oh my gosh, you’re, debt free. How did you do it? I Started telling my friends, and they became, debt free. I'm spending all this time talking to people and they're all becoming, debt free. And I wasn't getting paid.
So, I was like, I should get paid for this. So that was what had started like me charging for teaching people how to become, debt free. What happened was in the same month where we're emailing about rent and bills, I get this favor to get into a room with these technical, millionaire mentors. And these are people who are running businesses that are in the hundreds of millions of dollars and
I'm in the room with them learning from them. I started noticing these guys they don't talk like me, I started noticing so many little things. And I realized that I had been in so many circles. We prided ourselves on our, struggle. I get in this room with these actual, millionaires. And one of the men had this chart and it started with:
struggle,
survival,
sustained success,
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He asked us in the room, where are you on this ladder? And like earlier that year he met me in February have been like at least I mean, sustained success, but at this point, I am under, struggle, again. And I just remember thinking to myself, if I don't figure out what is holding me back financially, I will always be under, struggle.
I realized that the problem isn't to be, debt free, because I had become, debt free. I was, debt free. But the problem was my mind was so against having, money, that even though our expenses was the lowest you could imagine. We reduced our income to be lower than even those expenses, because we were so used to, struggle.
Myrna: I teach that all the time. Let’s label this, mindset. It's called a, poverty mindset.
Toyin: That's exactly right. That means no matter what actions you take, you produce, poverty. And in that month, I create this process. So now let me talk about how we got to 11 streams of income. I create this process where I just started asking myself questions. I got honest with myself on a level that I had never been honest with myself before. I asked myself:
What are the limiting beliefs I have about, money?
What is my actual relationship with, money?
What am I doing wrong?
What is my pattern with, money?
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So now I see the problem and I create this shift process. I didn't know anything about neuroscience back then. I didn't know anything about, mindset coaching. I just knew I was sick and tired of, struggle. So, I use this process for myself. I never thought I would even tell anybody about it.
The next month, November, we had more income. And my husband pointed out to me, he's like, hey, you just had more, money, come in, in November this month, than all of last year combined. And he says to me, what are you doing? Do you have a new offer? Do you have a new business like what are you doing that I didn't hear about? Honestly, I was shocked. I hadn't looked at the numbers from that frame.
And I said to him the only thing I did was change my, mindset. I thought to ask myself, I wonder if this mind process would work for my clients because I haven't taught them anything about mindset. It was all strategy and our success rate because our success rate was around 50%. The industry average ranges between 3% to 50%.
In coaching, our success was 60. I used to be proud of that. But I used to be so frustrated about the remaining 40%. Why were these 40% still in poverty? When I started teaching, money mindset, our success rate went to 95%, our people start scaling and becoming, millionaires.
In the process of up leveling my mind every single year, I'm honest about this. I am a human being I still have, money mindset, challenges, the difference is the level.
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Becoming a millionaire by shifting your money mindset
Myrna: You're no longer scratching the bottom.
Toyin: I remember it took us from $60,000 a year to 130,000 a year to 600,000 a year to over a million in a year, so we were growing every single year. I would literally sit my butt down with my process and say, Okay, what's the new level? What's the new identity that God is calling me to operate in. Because guys, money, is never just about the numbers. When I set goals, when I push and when you want to push, you're not doing it just because of the, money; money itself is neutral. It means nothing.
All it is a marker of the value that you are bringing to the world and you are allowing yourself to receive. And so, I realized the more people I can serve this, money, thing is just a way for me to see how many people am I helping? How many people am I making into, millionaires, or whatever the goal is. I'm a finance person naturally, as soon as the, money mindset, got figured out, we were off. We now have 11 streams of income. We've got real estate properties, you've got dividends, we've got stocks, we've got royalties, we do workshops, plus, passive income.
So, we have, passive income, streams and active income streams, but all of it came out of one thing one thing a, money mindset. Start your income making machine, you need an income making machine that allows you to do all the other fun things that you want to do. What your income making machine will not produce unless you face your, money mindset.
So, unless you look at your, money mindset, and allow yourself to be able to get to a level you've never been you are not going to become a, millionaire. We coach people who are, millionaires, and we coach people who have not worked a job in eight years and the conversation may be different, but we are training the subconscious.
Shifting our money mindset
Myrna: So how do we shift our, money mindset?
Toyin: Okay, the first thing that you want to do is you need to get honest with yourself about what's not working. If you cannot be honest with yourself about what's not working in your finances, you will never fix it. And this is actually the hardest part, being honest with yourself. Most people never want to do that because it sucks to look in the mirror.
And so, the first thing that you guys want to do is to get your, money, right. You have to sit down with a pen and a paper and write down what are the patterns that I am seeing happening In my life that are giving me clues. The, money mindset shift, is simply follow the money.
So, for example, if you have a savings account, and your savings account, never crosses 5k, some of you guys you're doing very well your savings account may never cross 100K. You get what I mean? Like everyone has those limits, where were the ones that never crossed 55 bucks.
When there is a pattern, we often get lost in the story. The reason my account never got past $500 was because my fridge broke down. The reason was because I chose to go and shop this time. The stories will always be different but I don't look at the story, I look at the pattern. What is the pattern, the pattern is when you hit $500 your money disappears.
So right now, what are the patterns that I am noticing in my, money? I will save this specifically for those of you who earn a higher amount than people around you, you are in one of the most dangerous positions financially. Why? Because when we work with a lot of, millionaires, and we find that because you are doing better than most people, everyone around you is super impressed.
They're like, Oh my gosh, Look at your income. And a lot of these people don't notice whether or not, money, is staying. Yes, you're working hard. Yes, you're bringing in bank. Yes, you're making the dollars; But you're not building generational wealth. You're not keeping any of it. You're not keeping it. But once you shift your, mindset, you have to take action.
Myrna: I know you just started your podcast. Tell our readers how they could connect with you.
I'm the host of the Millionaire Money Podcast. It is so much fun. We just teach business owners and career professionals how to think like a, millionaire, make wealthy decisions and take strategic action so that you can actually create the, millionaire, bank account and lifestyle that you want. So, our goal in that podcast is literally helping you to get your first $100 million dollars. We're going to be taking you to the next level. So that's the podcast.
And then the second thing is some of you guys may be saying, I'm ready to shift this brain of mine, I am ready to actually begin to live out the wealth that I'm looking for. For those of you guys you can go to www.moneymindsetshift.ca and you're able to watch a free master class. Now we have two master classes. One of them is for everybody, and the other one is specifically for business owners who are currently at six to seven figures. So, if you're thinking seven figures is a masterclass for you. And if you're a career professional or business owner and looking to earn your first million then the second master class is for you.
Will Smith, had 10 seconds to choose a different, thought, before the, concrete set, and, reality, hardened when he slapped Chris Rock on national television
I just finished reading Will Smith’s biography “Will” I really enjoyed reading his book and recommend it to anyone interested in changing their mindset.
There were 3 main quotes from, Will Smith's, book that I loved, one of them was “You have 10 seconds until the concrete sets and, reality, hardens.” I think this is a good time to talk about what that really means and reference what happened at the, 94th Oscars, between, Will Smith, and, Chris Rock.
The book starts off with, Will Smith, calling himself a, coward, because he watched his father often slap his mother and reign terror on his family as a child. He felt he was a, coward, because he didn’t do anything about it.
His father’s legacy was also the year that he made, Will Smith, and his brother Harry build a concrete wall so Will learned his concrete, analogy, from personal experience “You have 10 seconds until the, concrete sets, and, reality, hardens.
Will used this analogy when his friend and fellow performer Ready Rock did not come out on stage for his set when he called for him, because he was jealous of Will’s success. He gave him 10 seconds to make a better choice and when he didn’t, reality, set and Will never called for him again.
He used this same concrete, analogy, of, reality, setting, when his girlfriend Melonie was about to go out somewhere and he told her not to go and she walked through the door anyway. The, concreate set, and the, reality, was that it was over. Will Smith, set her clothes on fire and never saw her again.
The Jordan Harbinger Show, is a top shelf podcast named best of Apple in 2018.
Jordan dives into the minds of fascinating people — from athletes, authors and scientists to mobsters, spies and hostage negotiators.
I really think there just isn’t a better podcast to listen to casually or seriously to expand your worldview. Jordan’s also got a strangely relatable weekly segment, “Feedback Friday,” where he covers advice on everything from escaping a cult or psycho family situations to relationships and networking to asking for a raise.
Search for The Jordan Harbinger Show (that’s H-A-R-B-I-N-G-E-R) on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also head over to jordanharbinger.com/start to start listening. Here are 2 episodes I loved and I think you would too. Check out
Shawn Achor leveraging the happiness advantage and DWade A life Bigger than basketball
By now you have all heard or seen the, slap, on national television. Will Smith, did not like something that, Chris Rock, said about his wife. Chris Rock, make fun of her hair, and now he himself had 10 seconds until the, concrete set, to change that, reality. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3, Will Smith, walked up on stage and slapped, Chris Rock, in the face and the, concrete set, and reality hardened.
He can never take that back regardless how much he cries, how much he apologizes he can never take it back, it will live on, on the internet forever.
The concrete has set and, reality, hardened. Whether you believe, Chris Rock, was wrong to joke about Jada’s bald head, we know it was wrong for, Will Smith, to walk on stage at the, Oscars, and, slap, him.
Will Smith's father was a bully and he grew up with domestic violence, seeing his father slap his wife and kids until his mother eventually left him, and in an out of body experience, Will Smith, became his dad. He got out of his seat and slapped someone because he did not like what he said about his wife.
In his autobiography, published in November 2021, the actor describes at length the appalling, domestic violence, he and his three siblings witnessed his father, Willard, inflict on his mother.
“When I was nine years old, I watched my father punch my mother in the side of the head so hard that she collapsed,” he wrote. “I saw her spit blood. That moment in that bedroom, probably more than any other moment in my life, has defined who I am. I am a, coward”
Will Smith, says “Within everything that I have done since then — the awards and accolades, the spotlights and attention, the characters and the laughs — there has been a subtle string of apologies to my mother for my inaction that day. For failing her in the moment. For failing to stand up to my father. For being a, coward.
“What you have come to understand as ‘Will Smith’, the alien-annihilating MC, the bigger-than-life movie star, is largely a construction – a carefully crafted and honed character designed to protect myself. To hide myself from the world. To hide the, coward.”
So how do we make better choices in the 10 seconds before the, concrete sets? You have to, train the mind. Just like you can’t learn to swim when you are drowning, you can’t make good choices when you are thrown in the fire; unless the, mind, is trained on what to do in the fire and then takes over on autopilot.
Start training your mind to make the right choices because when the, concrete sets, there is no going back, reality, becomes permanent.
When you feel that rage bubbling up inside you, choose a better, thought. Count to 10 and breathe because the devil is driving around looking for people to destroy. The prison is full of both men and women who had 10 seconds to choose and made the wrong choice.
What would have happened if Will Smith chose a better thought
Ready Rock made the wrong choice, Melonie made the wrong choice and now Will Smith, made the wrong choice. Let’s imagine that, Will Smith, had continued to pretend that he liked the joke. In those 10 seconds he would have laughed while seething inside, 40 mins later he would have accepted his, academy award, and realized that had reached the pinnacle of his career. The concrete would have set on joy and victory and he would have gone home and forget about Chris Rock’s joke, but the, concrete set, on a bad choice and now no one will forget.
Do you have a, cup mentality, mindset? Are you asking God to fill up your cup instead of asking him to fill up as many containers you can find? In the, Bible story, Elisha the prophet told the widow woman to borrow containers and keep pouring oil until they were all filled. Find out how to get rid of your, cup mentality, and your, abundance blocks, and live an abundant life.
Welcome to this week’s episode of, 5 mins with coach Myrna. In this coaching session, I want to teach on, mindset, getting rid of your, cup mentality.
One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. 2 Now a man who was lame from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. 3 When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. 4 Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!” 5 So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.
6 Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” 7 Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. 8 He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God.
This story illustrates a, cup mentality, because too many of us are content with our lot in life and never aspire or dream of a better life. This crippled man was stuck in his old routine of getting someone to take him to the gate of the temple every day to beg for coins. He never dreamed of more, he never prayed to be healed even though he went to the temple every day. He accepted that he was crippled and for the rest of his life he would beg for coins to survive. This is the definition of a, cup mentality. Your dreams can only fill up a cup.
The crippled man could not understand when Peter told him to get up and walk. He had never thought of walking. Peter was putting new information in this man’s, old wineskin. Peter had to hold his hand and help him up.
A, cup mentality, is when we accept our circumstances and never dream of having more. You get stuck in a rut in your negative routines not expecting anything to change, but as long as you have a, cup mentality, you will never receive the abundance of God.
For example please use the phrase, like mother like daughter, or like, father like son. They are expecting you to be like your mother and because they spoke it over your life, you become like your mother.
I heard a story of a mother who left her baby with her parents, because she was a hitwoman and she believed that if she got arrested she would be sent away for life. When the child was 3 years old, the mother was sent away for life. The grandparents raised the child and always told her don’t be like your mother. She grew up with that, cup mentality, that she could never expect anything great, because she would probably end up in prison. At 16 years she stabbed someone and ended up in prison.
The Bible teaches that You can’t put, new wine, in, old wineskin, because the, new wine, will burst the, old wineskin. This means you can’t do new things like be the first one in your family to graduate college with the same old, mindset.
I was born poor in a third world country. I was listening to podcast a few weeks back regarding, abundance blocks. The author was saying that we manifest the same, abundance blocks, as our parents, so I decided to interview my mom to see if she passed on her, abundance blocks, to me. What I found is my mom has a, cup mentality.
She told me that we were poor when I was born, she didn’t have a job, but she was quite comfortable. My dad would give her money, people would bring her food from the market, and she had her mother to help her. She never asked for more, she never dreamed big. Luckily, I did not get her, cup mentality. I have always dreamed of success even as a child as young as 10 years old!
If doesn't matter where your start out only where you end up
God took David from a low-income family and made him a King. It does not matter where you start out only where you end up.
A, limited mindset, will keep you from getting more from God.
God promises to pour out blessings you won’t have room enough to receive; he is not looking just to fill up your cup.
Don’t water down your dreams to match your environment.
Take the limits off of God and the limits off your life.
You are the lid!
The prophet Elisha told the Widow woman to borrow a few containers and to pour the little oil she had into these containers. She obeyed even though it was not logical. She started pouring and the oil continued to pour until she had filled up all the containers she borrowed and then it stopped. If she had more containers, the oil would have continued to pour, so she did not have a supply problem, but a capacity problem.
God wants to fill up your containers, he can’t fill up what you never bring to him. How do you bring your containers to God? You bring them to him by asking for what you want in prayer, by dreaming big and visualizing your dreams.
In a previous episode called Finding joy in your nothingness. I talked about the oil, that it represented the joy in your life. Today I am talking about your capacity to experience that joy. Are you looking for a cup full of joy like my mom or as many containers you can fill?
God said open your mouth wide and I will fill it.
Get rid of your, cup mentality, and give God as many containers as possible so he can fill them up.
This is coach Myrna Young and you have been listening to, 5 mins with coach Myrna. I would like to invite you all to join my Life coach group on Facebook for daily inspiration from dozens of life coaches.
