The divorce rate of women divorcing men is increasing. The dynamic between genders in relationships has been a topic of conversation for decades, but a newer trend seems to be emerging, one that tilts the scales towards dissatisfaction and divorce. As roles within society and the household shift, women are increasingly questioning why they should stay in marriages that no longer serve them or align with their evolved status and responsibilities.
Women are initiating divorce more often due to persistent, gender imbalances, both financially and domestically thereby increasing the, divorce rate.
Effective communication and attentiveness are critical in preventing the gradual deterioration of relationships.
Understanding and aligning core values, along with continuous self-discovery, are crucial for parallel growth and fulfillment in marital partnerships.
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Gender Imbalance and Its Influence on the Divorce Rate
In recent years, women have climbed the ranks to become CEOs, entrepreneurs, and primary breadwinners, but this rise in professional stature has not been matched by a corresponding shift in domestic responsibilities. Despite their career demands, they often come home to unchanged expectations—house chores, childcare, and an array of additional tasks—while their partners remain disengaged.
“The growing trend… women are making the lion’s share of the income… working as hard or harder outside the home… and yet they’re still carrying all the burden inside the house.” — Dennis
This pervasive imbalance is increasingly leading women to question the equity in their marriages and, ultimately, to seek divorce when the division of labor remains static and uncommunicative. The dissatisfaction accumulates over time, not only reducing the perceived value of their contributions but also undermining the fundamental respect and partnership expected in marriage.
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The Importance of Emotional Support and Companionship
Relationships are anchored by emotional exchange and mutual support, something that should resound clearly in the everyday interactions between spouses. Men are encouraged to become more aware and active participants in their partner’s emotional worlds, offering assistance and appreciation for the daily efforts that often go unnoticed. Men have the ability to affect the, divorce rate, by just asking how can I help.
“Being in tune with your partner to be able to judge these emotions… caring enough to then ask, ‘Can I help?'” — Dennis
When men take proactive steps to contribute meaningfully to the partnership, whether through household responsibilities or emotional support, they create a more balanced and satisfying relationship for both parties. Such actions affirm that the partnership is a priority and that both individuals are committed to its health and longevity.
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Another significant aspect of modern relationships and the, divorce rate, is the alignment of core values and beliefs. A strong relationship bears the capacity for evolution and growth; however, divergent fundamental views and a lack of self-reflective growth often lead to discord. Couples must consistently reacquaint themselves with each other, fostering an environment that acknowledges and supports each person’s journey and changes.
“Keep rediscovering your partner, keep rediscovering yourself… you’re not going to have the same relationship at 45 as you had at 25… but it can be just as fulfilling.” — Dennis
The crux lies in staying connected emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually, through intentional conversations and shared experiences. It underscores the idea that success within the marriage is less about static achievements and more about nurturing an ever-evolving bond that cherishes both individual growth and collective goals.
As the conversation recapped here reveals, the modern woman is reassessing her relationship expectations, which now extend beyond financial provision to include emotional support, equitable division of tasks, and shared growth opportunities. While economic tensions and philosophical differences have always been sources of marital strain, it is the lack of responsiveness to evolving gender roles that’s demanding women’s attention and action. If relationships are to thrive, it’s clear that husbands need to demonstrate a commitment not just to the marriage institution, but to the evolving partnership that modern marriage has become. This in turn will positively affect the, divorce rates.
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Conclusion
Men, take note: cultivating a mutually fulfilling relationship doesn’t only rest on grand romantic gestures or financial security. It’s built on the everyday attentiveness, gratitude, and willingness to grow alongside your partner—acting as the co-pilot rather than a passenger in the marital journey.
The number one thing that ruins a, marital relationship, or any committed relationship is, criticism. Try not to do it to anyone, your kids, your spouse, your friends, or your customers. Noone wants to be criticized, because they think that they are doing what is right. Instead state how something makes you feel. Voice your complaint by stating how it affects you and do not assassinate the character of the other person.
We have all heard that men want respect and women are emotional creatures, needing love and affection. So, that means if a man wants to improve his, marital relationship, he needs to show his wife love and affection and if a woman wants to improve her marriage, she must show respect, right? So why does, criticism, kill marriages?
You are probably saying to yourself, that is some messed up advice. By wait here is the reason.
Studies show that no one ever does anything they feel is wrong, so it does you no good to point it out.
The verb in the sentence is the important word. Feel.
Put another way, whatever we perceive is our reality.
99.9 percent of men and women can justify to themselves or anyone who would listen, any action or none action, they have taken.
On May 7 1931 New York City witnessed the most sensational manhunt the city had ever known to this point. After weeks on the loose “Two-Gun” Crowley, the killer, was trapped in an apartment on West End Avenue.
One hundred and fifty police officers and detectives laid siege to his top floor hideaway. For hours the residential sections reverberated with the rat-tat-tat of gun fire from the police and Two-Gun Crowley.
While Crowley lay bleeding from his gunshot wounds, he penned a note that read “To whom it may concern. Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one, one that would do nobody no harm”
If you had never heard this story before, you may be thinking that the police had the wrong man; but no. Crowley was the same man who was necking with his girl on a country road on Long Island when a police officer walked up to the parked car and asked him to show his license.
Without saying a word, Crowley drew his gun and cut the police officer down with a shower of bullets. As the officer lay dying on the ground, he jumped out of the car grabbed the officer’s gun and fired another round of bullets into the prostrate body. That was the killer who wrote “under my coat is a weary, but kind heart. One that would do nobody any harm.”
This is an extreme story, but I have experienced many people like Crowley in my own experience; from kids who steal, to spouses who cheat, to murderers who kill, nobody feels they have done anything wrong. So don’t bother pointing it out to them expecting them to feel guilt. This goes a long way to, improve your marital relationships.
Even if they admit to wrongdoing, someone made them do it, they find some way to justify their actions. This phenomenon is glaringly evident on death row. Most of the prisoners on death row feel they have been victimized regardless of how heinous the crime. They are all innocent.
The #1 thing women can do to improve their relationships, is Don’t criticize!
Criticism, does no good. It does nothing.
Criticism, is futile, because it puts a man on the defensive, wounds his pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment, so don’t bother.
Instead make yourself perfect. The only person you can change is you anyway.
Jesus taught us this when he said “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? No one is perfect.
That is not to say that your brother has no speck or has done no wrong, but we are only responsible for what we do. We have no power to control others. And, criticism, does nothing to, improve, marital relationships.
Couples often have a difficult time distinguishing between, criticism, and voicing a complaint. Criticism, can have devastating effects because it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. Couples fear that if they agree to stop, criticism, they won’t be able to have a conversation about failed agreements or promises.
For example, let’s say your partner throws his/her clothes and towels on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper. If you attack your partner by saying, “why are you so nasty? You have this place in a mess. You never clean-up after yourself,” that is, criticism. If instead you say, I would really appreciate it if you would put your clothes in the hamper, that is voicing a complaint.
Criticism, is an attack on your partner’s character. Calling your partner nasty or pointing out negative personality flaws is, criticism, because you are criticizing your partner as a whole person. In contrast, if you voice a complaint, and focus on specific action or behavior, and ask for a different action or behavior, that is different from, criticism.
Let’s look at another example. Women are always complaining about quality time and no affection from their man. If you say “You are not marriage material, you don’t know how to love a woman” That is criticism, if you say instead “I love your hands around me, I could use a hug,” that is saying the same thing in a different way. So, when I say don’t criticize, I don’t mean become deaf and mute. It is always better to communicate how you feel.
One might think that the last person we’d want to say hurtful things to would be your marriage partner, the one you love. When we criticize it affects, Intimacy, because the wounded partner wants nothing to do with you. We are hard wired to focus on negative aspects instead of the positive aspects of our partners. We would focus on the clothes all over the floor and a filthy bathroom sink and not on the fact that our husband worked a full week, paid all the bills and rubbed our feet.
This is called a “negative bias”. Our brain is built to automatically place more weight on unpleasant news or nastiness. That is why the news is so negative, it sells more papers or gets more ratings. Negative bias, kicks in automatically at the earliest stages of processing information. As a result, our attitudes are more heavily influenced by downbeat news than good news. That is why the constant, criticism, by a spouse tips the balance of a relationship from mundane to miserable?
The bible says “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” It clearly states that it is better to live on the roof than with a nagging wife and most husbands experiencing this situation would agree.
“How does a person survive constant, criticism, in a, marriage relationship?
People adapt to a partner’s constant, criticism, by employing various survival tactics, such as:
– Self-protection
If the woman is critical, then the man goes into his man cave. It could be a physical room, or he withdraws and stops communication. If the man is the critical one the woman also withdraws, and her self-esteem is deflated. Some develop an intensely defensive personality to shield themselves from the harsh lash of the critical partner. Others hide their “authentic selves” as a protective mechanism, letting out only the part stamped “partner approved”. They become a pleaser. They may feel the need to shrink their personality to avoid criticism which can result in loss of self.
–Distancing.
To fend off, criticism, in a, marriage relationship, a partner surrounds him/herself with a safe buffer zone from which he/she responds politely as if from afar. Friends, work, children, exercise, social media, television, books, and newspapers can serve as buffers. We all know the spouse who is never home, always finds things to do outside the home. That is distancing.
–Withdrawal
A criticized partner withdraws and becomes emotionally unavailable. He/she preserves the “self” by building a wall to keep the critical partner away. He/she refuses to engage or react when criticized. Instead, he/she takes it and most likely adds another brick in the wall of resentment each time they are attacked, belittled, or berated.
–Substance Abuse
Another common reaction to, criticism, in a, marital relationship, is, substance abuse. To survive emotionally, the criticized partner numbs the pain of engaging with his/her partner. Substance abuse, as a, coping mechanism, usually leads to further deterioration of the, marital relationship, as well as a host of other serious problems.
How to stop yourself from criticizing your partner
If you feel the impulse to criticize here are a few tips to stop yourself
Count to 10. Breathe, bite your tongue, wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it each time you feel the impulse to, criticize.
Do whatever it takes to do to stop finding fault, belittling, reproaching, nit-picking, cutting down, or chastising your partner.
Decide the kind of person you want to be and how you want to show up in your relationship.
Work at accepting your partner, even his/her annoying traits, harmless bad habits, quirks, and idiosyncrasies.
Resign yourself to the fact that you will not change your partner. I repeat: Criticism, will not change your partner.
Here is some research on the, effects of criticism on relationships.
Here is a marriage story
Dr Julie said she had the good pleasure of counseling a woman who simply had to be the world’s greatest criticizer. I have to admit that I was in awe at her absolute hard-core ability to criticize. I can remember sitting back and thinking, “Wow, this lady could win some kind of award – she is amazing!” Her husband was a pot smoker and there was nothing good she could say about him – from the way he chewed his food, to his driving, or the way he snored at night. I counselled her to change her criticism to requests. In time she became one of the world’s greatest requesters.
One Mother’s Day (instead of criticizing) she composed a Wish List for her husband. It started with something like this – “Dear Husband, if you would like to have an immensely happy wife this Mother’s Day you can do so by getting me one of the following…” She listed about eight items each with a box to check next to the items she desired. Much to her surprise she received several things off the list (not just one!). She promptly rewarded her husband by telling him how happy she was and gave him a huge, heartfelt hug. Her husband began to learn that he could actually make his wife happy. This took a long time because he had come to believe that there was nothing that he could say or do that would ever please her.
So, what happened with this, marriage? In spite of the fact that she became an excellent requester, her husband would not give up his pot and she really struggled with staying married to him. She was lonely and the kids had an absent father. After much debate and prayer, she decided to stay. She would love this man with his addiction. Years later her husband’s heart was won over to Christ and he stopped, smoking pot. The world’s greatest criticizer became the world’s most grateful wife. That is why you must give it to God. Only God can change man.
Drs. John & Julie Gottman are therapists who have done the most research on the, effects of criticism on relationships. The two are famous for their “love lab,” in which hundreds of couples were screened, interviewed and observed over the course of two decades. As a result of their research the Gottman’s could predict in less than five minutes, with 90 percent accuracy, if a couple was going to stay together or divorce.
They came up with a metaphor to describe four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. They termed them “The Four Horsemen” — a phrase coined after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the New Testament, depicting the end of time.
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Criticism leads to contempt
The main problem with, criticism, is that it can pave the way for the worst of the horsemen — contempt.
Contempt, is about holding your partner in a negative light without giving them the benefit of the doubt. The contemptuous partner is usually attacking from a place of superiority. This can send their partner the message that they are not liked, appreciated, understood or respected. This does little to create a safe, secure and trusting bond in the relationship.
Treating your partner with, contempt, is the single greatest predictor of divorce, according to Dr. Gottman’s work. It is by far the most destructive of the, four communication styles.
Contempt, and relentless, criticism, put a couple at war with each other. This is the opposite of the couple bubble. Smart partners who want to create a strong and happy relationship need to do all that they can to preserve and foster a strong couple bubble.
In this model, criticism, is seen as part of what’s called “the negative cycle.” The negative cycle is an interaction cycle between two people that, when left unchecked, can create an enormous amount of distance and disconnection in a relationship.
All relationships have some conflict and disappointments. This is actually healthy. Conflicts and disappointments don’t have to destroy a relationship. It is how the couple handles them that matters.
You should never marry or move in with someone until you have had your first fight. It is important to know how someone fights. Do they call you nasty names when you fight? Do you hit below the belt by throwing in your face things they know that hurt you? Do they refuse to engage and walk away? Or do you sit down and talk it out everyone voicing their opinion and having a fair hearing?
Conclusion
So, let’s circle back to our topic. The number one thing that ruins a marital relationship or any committed relationship is, criticism. Try not to do it to anyone, your kids, your spouse, your friends, your customers. Noone wants to be criticized, because they think that they are doing what is right. Instead state how something makes you feel. Voice your complaint by stating how it affects you and do not assassinate the character of the other person.
Thanks to tuning into this week’s episode of Transformation Friday, I appreciate your time and hope I deliver value. Until next time Namaste
Relationship coach Andre Paradis joins host Myrna Young to discuss the topic of, why men choose women, and why women often struggle to choose the right partner. Andre explains that men are becoming more hesitant to enter into relationships due to the attraction dynamics and expectations placed on them. He emphasizes the importance of understanding the natural dance between masculine and feminine energies and how women can tap into their femininity to attract the right partner. Andre offers valuable insights and advice for both single individuals and those in committed relationships.
In this thought-provoking episode, Host Myrna Young and, dating coach, Andre Paradis, delve into the fascinating world of relationships. Drawing from Andre’s experiences as a relationship coach, we explore the reasons, why men choose women, as many women find themselves alone on, Valentine’s Day. Andre sheds light on the dynamics of modern relationships and offers valuable insights into, why men choose women, and why women should avoid approaching men. By understanding the natural dance between masculinity and femininity, we can create and maintain successful relationships.
Andre gives a potent example to illustrate the masculine and feminine. He says the sperm is the mover and the egg just sits and waits. So ladies, please wait for the man to approach you. Men need to hunt and when you approach them you just get introduced to the little guy.
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Head over to Squeezed.com and get Same day local delivery or Free Fast delivery nationwide with code TRANSFORM. And start your wellness journey today
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Key Takeaways
Men are increasingly choosing to be alone due to the challenges of finding value in relationships with women in a culture that promotes independence and boss babe mentalities.
The process of a man choosing a woman is not based on intellectual decisions or a checklist, but rather on feelings and chemistry.
Intimacy starts with vulnerability and being present in the moment, allowing the natural dynamic between masculine and feminine energies to unfold.
The Number One Reason Men and Women Are Alone on Valentine’s Day
In today’s society, men are finding it increasingly difficult to find value in relationships with women. The rise of the boss babe mentality and the push for independence have created a culture where men are expected to follow a woman’s lead and be 50/50 partners. However, this goes against the natural instincts of men, who are wired to provide, protect, and cherish women. The cultural shift towards masculine qualities in women has made it challenging for men to connect and form meaningful relationships.
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Why Men Choose Women and Women Shouldn’t Approach Men
The process of a man choosing a woman is not based on intellectual decisions or a checklist. It is driven by feelings and chemistry. Men respond to a woman’s energy and presence, and they are instantly drawn to feminine qualities such as warmth, receptiveness, and vulnerability. When a woman takes the lead and approaches a man, it disrupts the natural dynamic and can be a turnoff for men. It is important for women to allow men to take the lead and be receptive to their advances.
Some, dating advice: On the First date expect it to be akward. Don’t make a decision on the man before the 3rd date. Andre says the woman brings the energy so ladies remember to smile and be laid back. Do not conduct the date like a job interview. It is a turnoff. Even is you are fine and have all the qualities a man is looking for he will say she of okay BUT. You don’t want to be a BUT.
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Intimacy is a crucial aspect of any successful relationship. It is the deep connection and emotional closeness that allows two individuals to truly understand and support each other. Intimacy starts with vulnerability, which is often initiated by the, feminine energy, in the relationship. When a woman opens up and shares her fears, insecurities, and desires, it creates a safe space for the man to do the same. This vulnerability fosters trust and deepens the emotional bond between partners.
For example, if you are nervous on the first date and worried you will say the wrong thing sharing this with your date shows vulnerability and starts intimacy. He may even share that he is nervous as well.
The importance of maintaining femininity in attracting masculine men
Women are showing up saying he’s got to meet me up here. Ladies it’s not working, this is not what attracts a man, this does not make you attractive; you know sexy, magnetic warm. It has the exact opposite effect. Those masculine qualities that you so encouraged to have by society, results in men actually skipping men away. Masculine men are not interested in masculine women. It’s very simple hunters don’t date hunters.
What I mean as a rule so keep that in mind. It’s nature in action. The more masculine the woman, the more Boss Babe and you go- girl, the more the man goes his way. Boss Babe it’s beautiful for work and making money, but the masculine men won’t stand for it. They will literally just avoid you like the plague.
There is a lot of conversation around why women are so masculine in this era, and I don’t want to you don’t want to get sidetracked on this, but I’m just going to make this comment. Women are stating their demands, you’re right and the men, they’re running from that because they don’t want a woman that’s telling them what to do. So what makes a, man choose a woman, because that’s basically where we’re going with this conversation.
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Why men choose women? Men respond to women’s energy and presence. A feminine woman is a woman who’s receptive, who is magnetic, who’s warm, who’s inviting, who’s happy, joyful in her body in that moment. That feminine energy brings us straight out of our heads and brings us completely present to you. Men can’t think in the presence of the magnetic warm energy of a woman.
We caught up in the eyes and the smile and the way she’s speaking, all the little mannerism and the man be like I can’t think in the presence of feminine woman. This is why the man need femininity, because it takes us out of our heads, brings us present in our bodies. This is how and, why a man chooses a woman. He knows right away because his body responds to her energy.
Conclusion
Understanding the dynamics of relationships and the dance between masculine and feminine energies is essential for creating and maintaining successful partnerships. By embracing femininity and allowing men to take the lead, women can attract and build meaningful connections with high-value men. Intimacy, rooted in vulnerability and emotional closeness, is the foundation of a strong and fulfilling relationship. So, this Valentine’s Day, let’s embrace our natural energies and create the love and connection we desire.
Remember, relationships are not a one-size-fits-all formula. Each individual and partnership is unique, and it is important to find what works best for you. By seeking guidance from relationship experts like Andre Paradis, you can gain valuable insights and tools to navigate the complexities of modern relationships.
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Relationship coach Andre Paradis joins host Myrna Young to discuss the topic of, why he chooses, and why women often struggle to choose the right partner. Andre explains that men are becoming more hesitant to enter into relationships due to the changing dynamics and expectations placed on them. He emphasizes the importance of understanding the natural dance between masculine and feminine energies and how women can tap into their femininity to attract the right partner. Andre offers valuable insights and advice for both single individuals and those in committed relationships.
In this thought-provoking episode, Host Myrna Young and, dating coach, Andre Paradis, delve into the fascinating world of relationships. Drawing from Andre’s experiences as a relationship coach, we explore the reasons, why he chooses you, as many women find themselves alone on, Valentine’s Day. Andre sheds light on the dynamics of modern relationships and offers valuable insights into, why he chooses you, and why women should avoid approaching men. By understanding the natural dance between masculinity and femininity, we can create and maintain successful relationships.
Andre gives a potent example to illustrate the masculine and feminine. He says the sperm is the mover and the egg just sits and waits. So ladies, please wait for the man to approach you. Men need to hunt and when you approach them you just get introduced to the little guy.
Sponsored Ad
Make 2024 your year of transformation! Turn healthy habits into a lasting lifestyle by incorporating Squeezed.com revitalizing juices into your daily routine, and kickstart the beginning of your wellness journey.
Squeezed.com is one of the largest distributors of fresh, cold-pressed juice cleanses, helping and inspiring consumers to healthier, happier, and more balanced lifestyles.
Head over to Squeezed.com and get Same day local delivery or Free Fast delivery nationwide with code TRANSFORM. And start your wellness journey today
squeezed.com
Key Takeaways
Men are increasingly choosing to be alone due to the challenges of finding value in relationships with women in a culture that promotes independence and boss babe mentalities.
The process of a man choosing a woman is not based on intellectual decisions or a checklist, but rather on feelings and chemistry.
Intimacy starts with vulnerability and being present in the moment, allowing the natural dynamic between masculine and feminine energies to unfold.
The Number One Reason Men and Women Are Alone on Valentine’s Day
In today’s society, men are finding it increasingly difficult to find value in relationships with women. The rise of the boss babe mentality and the push for independence have created a culture where men are expected to follow a woman’s lead and be 50/50 partners. However, this goes against the natural instincts of men, who are wired to provide, protect, and cherish women. The cultural shift towards masculine qualities in women has made it challenging for men to connect and form meaningful relationships.
Sponsored Ad
Factor’s meals are ready in 2-minutes: All you have to do is heat and serve.
Discover a wide variety of easy options for the entire day like breakfast, mid-day bites, Snacks, smoothies, and more:
Head to FACTORMEALS.com/transform50 and use code transform50 to get 50% off your first box and 2 free wellness shots per box while your subscription is active.
Factor meals
Why He Chooses You
Why he chooses you. The process of a man choosing a woman is not based on intellectual decisions or a checklist. It is driven by feelings and chemistry. Men respond to a woman’s energy and presence, and they are instantly drawn to feminine qualities such as warmth, receptiveness, and vulnerability. When a woman takes the lead and approaches a man, it disrupts the natural dynamic and can be a turnoff for men. It is important for women to allow men to take the lead and be receptive to their advances.
Dating advice: On the First date expect it to be akward. Don’t make a decision on the man before the 3rd date. Andre says the woman brings the energy so ladies remember to smile and be laid back. Do not conduct the date like a job interview. It is a turnoff. Even is you are fine and have all the qualities a man is looking for he will say she of okay BUT. You don’t want to be a BUT.
Sponsored Ad
Your pet’s a member of the family–don’t feed them like they’re in the dog house. Give them Nom Nom.
Nom Nom uses the latest science and insights to make real, good food for dogs. Their nutrient-packed recipes are designed by board-certified veterinary nutritionists, freshly-made, and shipped FREE to your door.
Intimacy is a crucial aspect of any successful relationship. It is the deep connection and emotional closeness that allows two individuals to truly understand and support each other. Intimacy starts with vulnerability, which is often initiated by the, feminine energy, in the relationship. When a woman opens up and shares her fears, insecurities, and desires, it creates a safe space for the man to do the same. This vulnerability fosters trust and deepens the emotional bond between partners.
For example, if you are nervous on the first date and worried you will say the wrong thing sharing this with your date shows vulnerability and starts intimacy. He may even share that he is nervous as well.
Women are showing up saying he’s got to meet me up here. Ladies it’s not working, this is not what attracts a man, this does not make you attractive; you know sexy, magnetic warm. It has the exact opposite effect. Why he chooses you, is because he appreciates a feminine woman. Those masculine qualities that you so encouraged to have by society, results in men actually skipping men away. Masculine men, are not interested in, masculine women. It’s very simple hunters don’t date hunters.
What I mean as a rule so keep that in mind. It’s nature in action. The more masculine the woman, the more, Boss Babe, and you go- girl, the more the man goes his way. Boss Babe it’s beautiful for work and making money, but the masculine men won’t stand for it. They will literally just avoid you like the plague.
There is a lot of conversation around why women are so masculine in this era, and I don’t want to you don’t want to get sidetracked on this, but I’m just going to make this comment. Women are stating their demands, you’re right and the men, they’re running from that because they don’t want a woman that’s telling them what to do. So what makes a, man choose a woman, because that’s basically where we’re going with this conversation.
Sponsored Ad
This New Year take your business to the next level with a Shopify online store. Whether you are Selling a little or a lot Shopify helps you do your thing, however you cha-ching.
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Why he chooses you? Men respond to women’s energy and presence. A, feminine woman, is a woman who’s receptive, who is magnetic, who’s warm, who’s inviting, who’s happy, joyful in her body in that moment. That feminine energy brings us straight out of our heads and brings us completely present to you. Men can’t think in the presence of the magnetic warm energy of a woman.
We caught up in the eyes and the smile and the way she’s speaking, all the little mannerism and the man be like I can’t think in the presence of feminine woman. This is why the man need femininity, because it takes us out of our heads, brings us present in our bodies. This is how and, why a man chooses a woman. He knows right away because his body responds to her energy.
Conclusion
Understanding the dynamics of relationships and the dance between masculine and feminine energies is essential for creating and maintaining successful partnerships. By embracing femininity and allowing men to take the lead, women can attract and build meaningful connections with high-value men. Intimacy, rooted in vulnerability and emotional closeness, is the foundation of a strong and fulfilling relationship. So, this Valentine’s Day, let’s embrace our natural energies and create the love and connection we desire.
Remember, relationships are not a one-size-fits-all formula. Each individual and partnership is unique, and it is important to find what works best for you. By seeking guidance from relationship experts like Andre Paradis, you can gain valuable insights and tools to navigate the complexities of modern relationships.
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What is the, type of woman men fall for? Drawing from conversations with Relationship coach Andre Parades, Coach Myrna discusses the qualities that make a woman irresistible to men and how women can, become the, type of woman any man wants to marry.
Drawing inspiration from a conversation between Jesus and a, Samaritan woman, coach Myrna emphasizes the importance of intelligence, confidence, independence, communication, kindness, self-improvement, positivity, and a sense of humor in attracting a partner and building a meaningful relationship. By focusing on self-improvement and fostering genuine connections, women can create a solid foundation for love and marriage.
In John chapter 4 Jesus has a great conversation with a, Samaritan woman. Because Jesus is Omniscience, which means all-knowing, he is aware of the past, present, and future. He told her she had 5 husbands and living with a man who she is not married to.
Society judges’ women who have a lot of husbands. It carries an element of shame to it. So today I want to flip that around and look at, why a man wants to marry a woman.
First and foremost, what men want. Men are looking for, intelligent women. A woman who can talk on all topics and can have a stimulating conversation.
The Samaritan woman was such a woman. Jesus knew who she was before he sought her out to talk to her and on cue, she started the conversation by asking “So tell me, why is it that you Jews insist that Jerusalem is the only place of worship?”
After that she started taking about the Messiah. Jesus said I am the Messiah.
So, ladies the message today is, Are you, the type of woman a man falls in love with?
Here are some ways that you can prepare to shine when you are in the spotlight, when you too can tell your friends “I met a man”
So what type of woman is an alpha male attracted to? In the intricate dance of love and relationships, there’s no magic formula to make someone fall in love with you. However, there are certain qualities and behaviors that can enhance your attractiveness and create a solid foundation for a meaningful connection. Today, we will explore how you can become a woman any man wants to marry, the type of woman a man falls in love with, by focusing on self-improvement and fostering a genuine connection.
Cultivate Confidence: Embrace Your Inner Strengths
To become, the type of woman a man falls in love with, you must have self-confidence. Confidence is magnetic. Embrace your strengths, be comfortable with your flaws, by becoming flawesome and radiate self-assurance. “Confidence not only makes you attractive, but it also creates an environment where others feel comfortable and inspired around you.” When you exude confidence, you become a beacon of positivity and allure and, the type of woman a man falls in love with.
The type of woman men fall for: The Independent Woman
While partnership is essential in a marriage, maintaining individuality is equally crucial. As the transcript states, “A woman with a strong sense of self is not only attractive but also brings added depth to a relationship.” By pursuing your passions, having your own goals, and demonstrating a sense of independence, you become a well-rounded and captivating partner.
Prioritize Communication: The Key to Connection
Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. As the transcript suggests, “Being able to communicate honestly and respectfully fosters understanding and strengthens the emotional bond between you and your partner.” By learning to express your thoughts and feelings openly and actively listening, you create a safe space for vulnerability and intimacy to flourish.
Transform Your Mind Podnews
What men want: an Empathatic Woman
Kindness goes a long way in building lasting connections. Show empathy, be considerate, and prioritize compassion in your interactions. “A woman who exudes kindness not only attracts a partner but also contributes to the overall well-being of the relationship.” By nurturing kindness and compassion, you create a nurturing and loving environment that fosters a deep emotional connection.
Invest in Self-Improvement: The Journey of Personal Growth
Continuously strive to grow and better yourself. “Investing in yourself not only makes you more interesting but also demonstrates a commitment to personal growth that can be inspiring to others and make you attractive to men.” That is also the type of woman a player falls in love with. Whether it’s through education, personal development, or acquiring new skills, investing in yourself showcases your dedication to self-improvement and adds depth to your character.
The Power of Optimism: The type of woman a man falls in love with.
Maintain a positive attitude and approach challenges with optimism. As the transcript states, “Positivity is infectious and can create a harmonious atmosphere in your relationship.” By embracing a positive outlook, you become a source of inspiration and support for your partner. A woman who can navigate life’s ups and downs with grace is someone many men would aspire to have by their side and is, the type of woman a man falls in love with.
Cultivate a Sense of Humor: The Joy of Laughter
Laughter is a powerful bonding tool. Cultivate a sense of humor, find joy in the little things, and share lighthearted moments with your partner. As the transcript suggests, “A woman who can bring joy and laughter into a relationship is sure to be cherished.” By embracing humor, you create a joyful and light-hearted atmosphere that strengthens the emotional connection between you and your partner.
Becoming the Type of Woman Men Fall for
Becoming a woman any man wants to marry, involves a combination of self-discovery, personal growth, and fostering positive qualities. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to love, by embracing your authenticity and cultivating these traits, you can create a foundation for a fulfilling and lasting relationship. Remember, the journey to becoming irresistible is not about changing who you are, but rather about embracing your unique qualities and continuously striving to be the best version of yourself.
As you embark on this journey, keep in mind the words of Jesus in his conversation with the Samaritan woman. He saw her for who she truly was, and she engaged him in a stimulating conversation. By embodying intelligence, confidence, independence, effective communication, kindness, self-improvement, positivity, and a sense of humor, you can become the woman any man wants to marry.
So, ladies, prepare to shine when you are in the spotlight, and one day, you too can proudly tell your friends, “I met a man.” The power to unlock the qualities that make you irresistible lies within you. Embrace it, nurture it, and watch as love and happiness find their way into your life.
Conclusion and Future Outlook: Type of woman men fall for
The journey to, becoming the, type of woman men fall for, is not a destination but a continuous process of, personal growth and self-improvement. As you navigate the complexities of love and relationships, remember to stay true to yourself, embrace your uniqueness, and never stop learning and evolving. By embodying the qualities discussed in this guide, you will not only attract the right partner but also create a strong foundation for a lifelong connection filled with love, understanding, and mutual respect.
Unlock the qualities that make you irresistible, and embrace the journey of becoming, the woman any man wants to marry. Your future awaits, filled with endless possibilities for love and happiness.
Shelby Carino joins host Myrna Young to discuss the reality of, twin flames. Shelby shares her personal journey with, twin flames, and explains that, twin flame, is an energy, not a person. She emphasizes the importance of understanding oneself and working on personal growth before attracting a twin flame.
Shelby also addresses the push and pull dynamic in, twin flame relationships and the need for women to lead and guide their partners spiritually. She offers a course to help women break free from limiting beliefs and outdated patterns in order to manifest their, twin flame.
Welcome back to the Transform Your Mind to Transform Your Life radio, podcast, and television show. I’m your host, life coach Myrna Young. Today, we have a special guest, Shelby Carino, who will be joining us to discuss the fascinating topic of navigating the reality of, twin flames. If you’ve never heard of, twin flames, before, I encourage you to stay until the end because knowledge is power. Understanding the concept of, twin flames, can help us attract and cultivate deep, meaningful relationships. So let’s dive right in and explore this intriguing topic.
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What is a, twin flame meaning. According to Shelby, twin flame definition, is an energy, a fifth dimention energy, that manifests through the mirrored effect of our higher soul journey. It represents the other half of ourselves, whether it be the masculine or feminine energy. The, twin flame, is not just a person, but an energy that helps us grow and ascend spiritually. It is a deep, soulful connection that goes beyond surface-level compatibility.
Shelby’s personal journey with, twin flames, began in 2011 when she experienced a spiritual awakening. She stumbled upon the concept of twin flames through a meditation and manifested a person who embodied the qualities she associated with a, twin flame. However, she soon realized that the, twin flame, is not solely about the person, but about the energy and the depth of the connection.
Shelby highlights the misrepresentation of, twin flames, in popular culture, particularly in the documentary “Twin Flame Universe” on Netflix. She cautions against the dangerous ideology perpetuated by some self-proclaimed gurus who claim to have the ultimate knowledge of, twin flames. These individuals often convince people that there is only one specific person who is their, twin flame, and that they must do whatever it takes to be with that person. This misrepresentation can lead to obsession, stalking, and unhealthy behaviors.
Shelby emphasizes that the, twin flame, is not about being fixated on one person, but about the energy and the growth it brings. It is a journey of self-discovery and spiritual development. The, twin flame, is an energy that can be manifested through various relationships, not just one specific person.
Twin flame seperation: The Dance of the Runner and Chaser
There is such a thing as, twin flame seperation. In the realm of, twin flames, there is often a dynamic of the runner and chaser. This occurs when one person becomes overwhelmed by the intensity of the connection and tries to distance themselves, while the other person desperately chases after them. Shelby explains that this dynamic arises when the chaser projects their energy onto the runner, overwhelming them and causing them to retreat.
To break free from this, twin flame seperation, Shelby advises women to focus on their own spiritual growth and balance their feminine and masculine energies. Women have the power to guide their partners into their own, spiritual awakening, but they must first be in control of themselves and their own energy. By doing so, they can create a healthy and balanced dynamic in the, twin flame relationship.
Twin flame love: Breaking Free from Limiting Patterns and Beliefs
In, twin flame love, Shelby’s work revolves around helping women break free from limiting subconscious patterns and outdated spiritual beliefs. She offers a relationship reset course that helps individuals reset their foundation of what relationships are truly about. By challenging old belief systems and integrating new perspectives, individuals can create healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
The, twin flame, journey is an opportunity for individuals to transform their minds and release outdated beliefs and escape the reality of the, fake twin. It requires deep self-reflection, spiritual growth, and a willingness to let go of old patterns that no longer serve them. Through Shelby’s courses and guidance, individuals can gain the knowledge and tools to navigate the, twin flame love, with grace and authenticity.
Twin Flame vs Soul mate
Navigating the reality of, twin flames, is a profound and transformative journey. It is not just about finding a, soul mate, but about connecting with the deepest parts of ourselves and experiencing spiritual growth. The, twin flame vs soul mate, energy serves as a catalyst for self-discovery and ascension.
As we continue to evolve and move into the, fifth dimension energy, the concept of, twin flames, becomes even more relevant. We are being called to go beyond surface-level connections and seek deeper, more meaningful relationships. We are going deeper than even, soul mate, relationships. By understanding the true nature of twin flames and working on our own spiritual development, we can attract and cultivate the relationships that align with our highest selves.
Twin Flames Conclusion
In conclusion, the journey of, twin flames, is a path of love, growth, and spiritual awakening. It is an opportunity to connect with our true essence and experience the highest form of love, twin flame love. By embracing the energy of, twin flames, and working on our own spiritual development, we can create fulfilling and transformative relationships. So, let us embark on this journey with open hearts and open minds, ready to embrace the depth and beauty that, twin flames, have to offer.
In this blog post, Karen McMahon, Divorce coach discuss the ins and outs of divorce, and provide you with the resources you need to rebuild your life after a divorce. Many people believe that divorce is the end of the world, but that’s not necessarily the case.
In this episode, we’re going to discuss the steps you need to take in order to rebuild your life after a divorce. We’ll cover topics like financial planning, communication strategies, and rebuilding your relationship with your children. If you’re struggling after a divorce, don’t worry! This podcast is designed to help you on your road to rebuilding your life after divorce.
Karen McMahon is a certified relationship and divorce coach and the founder of Journey Beyond divorce. Together Karen and her team of divorce coaches encourage thousands of men and women worldwide to navigate their divorce calmly, clearly and with confidence. Karen began her journey as a coach in 2010 after coming to the realization that her tumultuous three and a half year divorce was a catalyst for a transformational journey into a new life, instead of allowing her pain to wear her down.
She turned inward with a laser-like focus and worked on healing herself, setting suitable barriers and surrendering what she could not control. Karen now shows others that the shifting world of divorce is a perfect opportunity to begin identifying and practicing new ways of thinking being and doing. Looking at relationship challenges with A New Perspective inevitably leads to deeper self-discovery, which allows individuals to boldly move forward in to the next chapter of Life.
Karen is the host of the acclaimed Journey beyond divorce podcast, the co-author of stepping out of chaos, turning pain to possibility and the co-creator of JBD’s exclusive 12-step divorce recovery program. Her other accomplishments include work as in NYS lobbyist Health Advocate, Community organizer and chairperson of an NYS non-profit organization.
Myrna: I remember an interview that I had just a few weeks ago with retired Navy SEAL Jason Redman, who talked about, life ambushes, and one of the ambushes he talks about was divorce. Jason said that people when they have a life Ambush, they keep looking at the closed door. They don’t understand that whenever you have an end you also have a new beginning, so that’s where I’m going to start off my conversation today.
Karen said that she started this work after she went through her divorce and realized that it was a beginning of something, so Karen how do you teach your clients to turn the pain of the of divorce into a possibility?
Karen: That’s a great starting question and so the first thing I’ll say is there are those who ask for the divorce and those who find themselves blindsided when the divorce comes to them. So if you’re asking for a divorce, if you’re finally deciding that you want a divorce, you’ve been struggling in your marriage for a long time. You may have gone through counseling, but you’ve been on your own grief Journey for some time now and it’s still super messed up.
Then there is those who are blindsided, they knew the marriage had problems but every marriage has problems and so when their spouse says I want a divorce they’re like hit, they’re ambushed and it feels like they’re being run over by an 18-wheeler.
So I always like to talk about the, grief Journey, because the person who’s ambushed is immediately in denial. Oh are you seeing someone? You’re just going through a midlife crisis, you’re just confused, this can’t be happening. They start bargaining, they go through this whole thing and a lot of people who have decided to divorce will think their spouse is being manipulative when in fact they’re really in this, grief Journey.
Myrna: I can understand you going into the possibilities of what can happen so diving a little deeper. What is the, roadmap for divorce, you coach your clients about the possibility of relationships, career, etc.
Karen: The roadmap for divorce, is like a roadmap to a destination with all the stops. I was just speaking to a client earlier today and this person knows they need to leave and so there’s so much to map out.
When do I tell my spouse
How do I tell my spouse
What do we say to the kids
When do we say it to the kids
If it’s a high conflict marriage do I tell them individually
Will mom or dad throw me under the bus and hurt the kids if I tell them together?
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The emotional load and emotional pain body are enormous. At Journey Beyond divorce, we support people both on the Practical Journey which is telling the spouse, telling the kids, finding an attorney, figuring out your finances, how do I negotiate, how does the court work.
Journey beyond divorce: co-parenting
That whole journey and as you’re going down that Journey, what’s coming up it’s like you’ve jumped into a murky Pond and all of your shortcomings, all of your insecurities, everything you need to heal from and refine comes bubbling up. So now you’re in an emotional tsunami after just being drop shipped into a foreign land called divorce, where you don’t know the language you don’t have a guide and you don’t know what the heck you’re doing.
It’s really a powerful opportunity for, personal transformation, and reinvention because basically it’s a hot mess.
Myrna: For sure, one of the things that you teach is how to do effective, co-parenting. So can we talk about that for a minute.
Karen: So in today’s day and age the majority of people get 50/50 custody and the reason is I think that to a large degree our dad’s a much more engaged. So when the decision is made and you might still be living under the same roof, it’s a good time to start saying let’s let’s experiment with this co-parent thing.
This is always hard for especially if it’s a stay-at-home mom or a stay-at-home parent, because you’re so used to this being all your division of labor. I want to talk about when co-parenting, and this is straight through the divorce, not only don’t you speak to your child about what’s wrong with their other parent they are 50 that other parent.
So not only don’t you get on the phone with your girlfriend in the kitchen complaining about your soon-to-be ex while the kids are listening in the living room because they’re always listening and it does such incredible harm. I’m divorcing him because he wasn’t a good spouse or partner let’s not assume that means he’s not a good parent.
Myrna: I’m talking to you because I’ve never done the co-parenting thing and it sounds real complicated. I’m wondering does it benefit the kids?
Karen: A hundred percent. I work a lot in, high conflict divorce, and if you have a parent who has severe trauma, personality disorder, addiction, alcoholism etc. If you have a very, high conflict co-parent, the children are better spending more time with you. But children unless those people are dangerous it’s always valuable for kids to experience both parents on a regular basis.
If you have one, high conflict personality, it’s so vitally important that if you’re married to the, high conflict personality, I can guarantee you you’ve lost your temper. You’ve raged, you’ve been a people pleaser, a codependent, you don’t have boundaries, and you have to work on all of those things to become a whole and healthy person.
You can teach your children those skills so that they can navigate that, high conflict personality, you get to divorce them the children have to find the lanes that work for them. The safe places where they can really enjoy that, high conflict parent, and know that it’s not their responsibility to take care of mommy or daddy.
There’s one other piece that if I could talk about with co-parenting sometimes it was my experience a lot of people in a, high conflict divorce, sometimes the children come back from the other parent and and they’re upset, they’ve been put down, they’ve been ignored, they feel diminished, they don’t feel heard, they might not feel loved.
The worst thing that the mom can do is criticize their dad. It’s so vitally important if your child comes to you and they’re struggling with the other parent, ask a lot of questions.
What happened,
how did that make you feel,
what did you do about it,
what do you wish you could do about it,
what were you afraid to do that you wished you could do about it,
why are you afraid,
how can I help you,
how would you do it different next time,
how do we help you be able to say to Daddy or to set a boundary?
Myrna: I was talking about how love turns to hates so quickly. If a divorce happens because irreconcilable differences or something along those lines where you’ve been you’ve been living for a while and it’s not working out you decide to divorce, but a lot of times, you’re calling it, high conflict divorce, I’m assuming that you’re meaning, high conflict, infidelity or you really hate your spouse male or female.
Mommy hates Daddy, mommy is gonna jump on that opportunity to bash that man, there’s absolutely no way that we’re gonna oh you know Daddy’s not a bad person.
Karen: Actually there are plenty of people who divorce and are angry and hate each other, that’s actually not, high conflict divorce. High conflict divorce, is when you’re divorcing someone who takes zero responsibility and I’ll say this because I think it’s important in today’s day and age everyone’s like oh you’re divorcing a narcissist.
I have a hard time with that, we’re not psychologists, we don’t know that, but what we do know is if you have someone who has very black and white thinking. Who always blames you and can’t take responsibility, who seems to have a different memory of almost everything that happened yesterday or in history. Who can’t sit down at the table and negotiate anything because they want everything or they’re always right you’re wrong.
These are personalities where a divorce isn’t is a negotiation, because negotiations require transparency and compromise. Most Garden variety divorces involve someone who hates the other one or who’s outgrown them and they’re not interested in them. But no matter how you feel about your ex please hear me it is never ever going to be valuable for you to tell your child how bad their parent is.
Taking off your armor and trusting after a divorce
Myrna: I agree with that totally. In my community women don’t even want the kids even to see the parent because they hate them so much. All right, now one of the other things we talk about is after the battle of the divorce, when the divorce is final, that women put down our weapons and take off our armor and start to trust again. How do we how do you teach women to become vulnerable again and trust again?
Karen: That is one of the most important questions and I hope that everyone listening that you can receive this. When our trust has been broken, it usually starts with us breaking our trust in ourselves, and what I mean by that is most of us will say I knew it. I saw the red flags and ignored them. I saw that characteristic in him but he was just so handsome and sexy, I ignored it.
So when you start rebuilding trust, don’t bash yourself, don’t criticize yourself don’t condemn yourself, for what you did. Be incredibly compassionate with yourself and start tuning in because our fear voices is this loud Amplified voice and our inner wisdom our intuition is this very soft whisper. When we can start tuning into the soft whisper and trusting our intuitive hit, our women’s intuition that is going to be the foundation of building trust.
Entrepreneurship and divorce
Myrna: A lot of people don’t think about going through a divorce when you’re an entrepreneur and you have a business or maybe even going a divorce in the corporate world. When you are not emotionally at your Peak everything falls around you like dominoes. So what are three ways of keeping your business running smoothly during a divorce?
Karen: So you want three okay so the first thing I’m gonna say is:
The first one is you’re going through the largest transition of your life, you’re not going to be on your A game, so adjust your expectations. If you’ve got some enormous campaign that you’ve planned for this upcoming year and you’re going to be in the courts and juggling kids and becoming a single parent you’re basically setting yourself up to fail.
The second thing is to realize what’s going on. When we’re going through divorce, life is busy and overwhelming for all of us. It’s almost like being on your computer and adding this huge database that’s going to download onto your computer you know when you download something it’s like every program slows down it gets really glitchy it just freezes that’s what’s happening in your brain.
I’ll say like hiring a coach and a therapists because the do different things. A coach helps you both logistically and emotionally, a good attorney and you might need a financial plan; but on a personal level what is your All-Star support team look like?
Conclusion
Myrna: Karen this has been amazing, you have designed a 12-step divorce recovery program which sounds really great because what you’re saying is you’ve got to recover from this divorce.
Karen: We found that over the course of years we started looking at what are all of the typical emotional challenges that people face during and after divorce. So we created the 12 Steps around that and so the first one which would be a surprise to nobody is to curb the conflict, because no matter what kind of a divorce you have there’s going to be conflict. Let’s keep the focus on you and look at your behavior and here’s how you can do things differently.
Then we have another step that’s about calming the chaos. Most chaos during divorce doesn’t happen outside of you it happens between your ears, it’s your stinking thinking. So what are your assumptions, what are your interpretations, what are your limiting beliefs? We talk in the 12 Steps about becoming less problem focused and more solution focused. We talk about how to grieve and grieve well and the importance of feeling your feelings and so many more.
Each step is really helping someone pivot in one an area of their emotional experience of divorce.
Myrna: How can our listeners and those watching on TV get in contact with you? Talk about your website how they can get all the course?
Karen: We are Journey Beyond divorce on all platforms. It’s Journey Beyond divorce podcast, Journey_Beyond divorce on Instagram and if the high conflict part of the conversation resonates with you we just created a toxic quiz and it’s on the home page. It’s 10 questions and it gives you a really good sense of the health or lack thereof of your current relationship.
In this episode of 5 min Fridays with coach Myrna, I share how to use, the power of the now, to change dysfunctional negative relationships into positive ones and how to use the, power of now, to transform your relationships.
Relationships are one of the most important aspects of our lives, and it’s easy to let them get out of control. Today we study Eckhart Tolle’s book “The Power of The Now” on how to improve your relationships. By learning how to use the power of now, you’ll be able to align yourself with what’s really important in your life, and your relationships will start to improve as a result.
Eckhart Tolle says that everything happens in the now. There is only one point of access and it is the now. And until you access the now, all relationships are deeply flawed. They may seem perfect for a moment when you are in love, but that perfection is lost when disappointment and dissatisfaction set in. If we look at the divorce rate, it seems that most love relationships become love hate relationships.
Relationships bloom when we access the power of now
If we look at the divorce rate, it seems that most, love relationships, become, love-hate relationships.
When we don’t access, the power of the now, love can turn to hate with the flick of a switch.
Sometimes the relationship continues for a while between the polarities of love and hate. It gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain.
Some couples get addicted to the drama because it makes them feel alive, but when the negative events occur with increasing frequency, the relationship collapses
Here is some, relationship advice, you may think that if you remove the, negative cycles, then the relationship would flower beautifully, but this is not the case. The polarities are mutually interdependent, you cannot have one without the other. The reason we want to be in the now in our relationships is that you can’t access the, pain body, of what he did to me and then bring it forward and relive the pain.
The, power of the now, means unless the event is happening now, it is in the past. The reason Eckhart Tolle teaches that the polarities are mutually interdependent is because your pain feed his pain. Your triggers, trigger his triggers.
The Power of the now eliminates dysfunctional relationships
The negative side of a relationship is more easily recognized as dysfunctional. It is also easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner, than to see it for yourself. Negativity and your past pain can show up in many forms in your relationship as:
possessiveness,
jealousy,
control,
withdrawal,
resentment,
the need to be right,
insensitivity and self-absorption,
emotional demand’s,
manipulation,
the urge to criticize,
judge, blame, anger, and unconscious revenge.
Quite a list. None of these things happen in, the now.
The positive side can be just as bad. This is the, power of love. When you are in love, someone needs you, wants you and makes you feel special. The feelings of being in love can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.
You become addicted to the other person; he acts on you like a drug. Even the thought of that person no longer loving you, illicit jealousy, emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing, because of fear of loss.
If the other person does leave you, it can lead to the most intense pain from grief or the most intense hostility. Was this love in the first place or just addictive clinging?
Then , survival relationships, comes along. It seems to meet all your needs, at least that is how it appears at first. You now have a new focal point, the person who defines your identity. The person you are in love with. Your world now has a center again, you are loved.
Then there becomes a point when your partner fails to meet your needs. The feelings of fear and lack now resurface, they had been covered up by the love relationship. Like any drug, you are on a high until the drug no longer works for you. When the feelings of fear return, you feel them stronger than they were before and you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. You attack your partner and this awakens their own, pain body, and he may counter your attack. Every attack is manipulation to get your partner to change their behavior.
This is because you refuse to work through your pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever you are addicted to, whether it be alcohol, food, shopping, sex you are using something or someone to cover up your pain.
That is why there is so much pain and unhappiness in, romantic relationships. Romantic relationships, do not cause pain and unhappiness, they bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.
Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. 3 failed marriages are a source of awakening more than if you shut yourself off in a room and refuse to engage in a relationship.
The power of the now, must be strong enough so you don’t get taken over by the thinker or the, pain body.
Bringing, the power of the now, to your relationship means, first you stop judging yourself then you stop judging your partner.
The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is without needing to judge or change them in any way.
You are in a, love relationship, if that person feels the same way about you; other than that you are in a relationship with yourself. Don’t let this love turn into a, love- hate relationship, by constantly bringing up the past. Embrace, the power of the now.
If you have been diagnosed with, mental illness, or, Bipolar disorder, it means that you probably think of ending your life all the time. In this episode, I interview Gabe Howard, who was diagnosed with, Bipolar disorder, at age 25.
Before then Gabe said that he did not know he was sick. His parents thought he was just acting out and would punish him for his behavior. But he remembers thinking of suicide all his life, until he got treatment. No one knew he was, Bipolar.
I was diagnosed with, Bipolar disorder, when I was when I was 25 years old. I didn’t know that I was sick. I had all of these, mental health, symptoms. They were causing me a lot of personal problems. I had a drug and alcohol problem, hyper sexuality was an issue, my relationships were just being destroyed, all because of, mental illness, but I didn’t know anything was wrong.
Then one day I ended up in a psychiatric hospital, because I was ready to end my own life. I thought about suicide as far back as I can remember.
I just thought it was normal to want to die.
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What is, Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar disorder is a mental illness marked by extreme changes in mood from high to low, and from low to high. Highs are periods of mania, while lows are periods of depression. The changes in mood may even become mixed, so you might feel elated and depressed at the same time.
The problem Gabe says is that when you are in the middle is when you get the job, the girl, the promotion, get married. You usually loose these things when you are depressed or manic; being in the middle is where you want to be.
I became an advocate because I consider myself to be a smart person and I don’t have like some story about how my parents were awful. My parents are good people, they loved me very much. My dad was a truck driver my mom a stay-at-home mom and they did all the things right.
They were engaged, they loved me, they were present and none of us knew that I was, Bipolar, None of us got me any help. I thought wow if I didn’t know, if my family didn’t know, if all of that love and engagement and connection and caring and they just missed it. There must be other people that are in my shoes. That’s why I became a, mental health advocate.
I just wanted to talk about, Bipolar, openly so that there just wouldn’t be other people wandering around sick and scared and symptomatic. They could get help, because I was really lucky.
Hypnosis-Everywhere with Ines Simpson explores, dissects, discusses and opens up the world of Hypnosis. You will discover that Hypnosis is a very big world indeed. In Hypnosis-Everywhere, Ines offers you tools and answers to deal with that tricky mind of yours, and proven ways to enrich your life.
Fears, Anxieties, Phobias, PTSD, Body health, Mind Health, Spiritual Health are just some of the things Hypnosis works for. Hypnosis-Everywhere is a show about our minds and the miracles we can achieve for ourselves and each other
Mental Illness is an Asshole is Gabe Howard’s first collection of articles about living with mental illness.
All the articles date from 2014 through 2018 and include his observations on reaching recovery, stigma, and living well in spite of depression, bipolar, and anxiety. Totaling over 380 pages, Gabe even shares the story of his :): logo for the first time.
For years, Gabe Howard’s entertaining articles and essays have been educating people about living with mental illness. His observations cover everything from practical advice to family relationships to the fears that people with mental illness experience.
In essays such as “Anxiety Says Everyone Hates Me,” “I Have Bipolar and I’m a Hypocrite,” and, yes, “Mental Illness Is an Asshole,” Gabe makes mental illness less scary and more understandable.
I had a suicide plan and I just happen to run into somebody that understood that understood mental illness and it she looked at me and asked me “are you planning on killing yourself?” Her training allowed her to ask that question and I said yes! She he me committed to the psychiatric hospital.
I was diagnosed with, bipolar disorder, and of course once I was diagnosed with, bipolar, to go on and lead good life. This is why I always say that I was lucky.
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Did you start your New Year’s resolutions yet? I bet there’s one missing that you should add right now: find a greater sense of purpose in your life. To do that effectively, you need to understand the eight key components of living with purpose.
The new book, The Meaning of Life: A guide to finding your life’s purpose by Nathanael Garrett Novosel, is a complete step-by-step walkthrough of how humans derive meaning from their existence. This book helps you to identify what really matters to you in life, define a clear plan of going after what you want, and grow toward fulfilling your true calling.
Best of all, this book does not tell you how to live your life or which goals you should have. Instead, it helps you figure it out for yourself. ..That’s what you really want—someone in your corner helping you make sense of your life, not someone with their own agenda telling you what to do.
Bipolar disorder, is commonly described as extreme highs to extreme lows. From suicidal depression all the way to God like mania. As a, Bipolar, you will have to battle depression where you want to die, and feel like you want to die, you feel like you want everything to end. When you are in Mania, you feel like the whole world revolves around you.
Then there is the middle. Everything is normal. That’s when you get the job, that’s when you meet the girl, that’s when you get married, buy the house, have all the friends; all the things that you lose when you become symptomatic.
Psych Meds for, Bipolar Disorder, the Good, Bad, and the Ugly
Psychiatric medications are the religion and politics of the mental health advocacy world.
In this episode, we cover the good, the bad, and the ugly surrounding medications. Like whether or not you should take them. We tackle side effects like feeling numb and sexual dysfunction and share our personal histories with medication therapy.
If you have any form of, mental illness, that you need Meds to function. Medications are amazing, they saved my life. I want to be very clear. Without my medication I cannot live the life that I live. So many people mistakenly believe that psychiatric medications are magical that you just need to take the pill and boom everything is fine and it’s simple.
It’s much bigger than that. In addition to psychiatric medication, therapy is very important, learning coping skills is very important, and going to support groups. You have to deal with the trauma of your past and all of these things matter; but all we ever hear about is psychiatric medication and I want to change that. I want to change it to, did you take your meds and did you go to therapy and did you utilize your coping skills?
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What is the most common cause of, bipolar disorder?
Biological traits
Hormonal problems: Hormonal imbalances might trigger or cause bipolar disorder. Environmental factors: Abuse, mental stress, a “significant loss,” or some other traumatic event may contribute to or trigger bipolar disorder.
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Mental Health Advocate for, Bipolar
Gabe is a, Mental Health Advocate. He remembers when no one knew he was sick for over 20 years. He had a plan to end his life and luckly for him, someone asked him the question “Are you planning on hurting yourself” He answered yes and he was admitted to the Psychiatric ward in hospital.
That saved his life so now, he is a, mental health advocate, to help others suffering from, mental illness, or, bipolar disorder, receive treatment and services.
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Additional Resources for, Bipolar Disorder.
The book is a collection of Articles and all of the Articles have something to do with, mental illness, mental health, loving somebody with, mental illness, dating someone with, bipolar,
It’s almost a reference guide that you can carry around for people with, bipolar, or dealing with somebody who is living with, mental illness, and depression and anxiety, don’t just live with, bipolar, you can have just depression, you can have just anxiety. Even people with schizophrenia, they suffer from depression and anxiety as well.
How do, Single Women over 40, find the love they want? How do they prepare themselves in the meantime while waiting on, Love. Where do they find, single men?
Single women, who are believing God for a partner, can enhance their in the meantime experience by having the right mindset on why they want a partner, what are the best watering holes to find a partner and how to renovate, Love’s house, so that it is ready for Love.
Listen to the full interview here:
Finding Love Introduction
I think the best, dating advice, is that when, Love’s House, is fully ready for, Love, the right partner will appear.
Dating advice, for, finding love again
Work on being the best you.
Become clear on your strengths and the areas that needs improvements
Eg. Are you a good housekeeper or a good cook; but you lack self-esteem and self-confidence? Then work on improving your self -confidence
Advice for single women, Be clear on why you want a partner
Do you want a partner for security or to help pay your bills?
Do you want a partner because it is culturally acceptable to be married or in a relationship?
Are you looking for a partner to complete you?
Or Are you looking for a soulmate and equal partner to share your life?
The last one was the perfect answer. Many, single women, and some, single men, are out there looking for a partner that contributes something to their lives; but never consider what they are bringing to the table. Why would someone choose you?
Where do you, single women over 40, meet, single men?
The reason that so many, single men, and, single women, are still single is because it is hard to meet people.
Here are the most popular Watering holes for the, single woman.
Church
Bars
Gym
Sports events
Networking events
House parties
Work
Most Christian, single women, would love to meet their spouse or partner in the church; but that is rare because most, single men, in church are using the church as their watering hole!
Bars are the most popular place for, single women under 40, to meet a man; but here is some, dating advice. Bars have become hookup places for casual sex with no commitment; but in every scenario there are exceptions to the rule and you can, find love, at a bar.
My daughter had the perfect combination, she met her Fiancé in a club; but he was also from her church!
I met my husband on a train. He was the officer who checked for tickets. The train is definitely not a watering hole; but soul mates will attract each other like a magnet in any place. Gas stations, parking lots, grocery stores, bus stop, anywhere!
I have met past boyfriends at a car wash, by friend introduction, Dance club, school, bus stop, train, and work and they were all committed relationships.
The newest place for, single women, to meet, single men, now are dating sites. The good thing about dating sites is that everyone on the site has the same goal, to meet a partner, or to start, dating, again.
As a realtor I love FSBO (For sale by owner) because they already want to sell their homes. I don’t have to convince them to sell, only that I am the right agent to sell their homes. Same with the dating site. You don’t have to convince anyone to have a committed relationship, only that you are the one they are looking for.
Dating sites are tough if you are, finding love after a heartbreak, because it would be hard to trust. They are great for, single women over 50, because these women are not in the clubs or other social events. They are home on their computers.
My co-host today is Arifah Yusuf, a registered social worker and mental health counselor.
Arifah from a mental health perspective what can, single women, do to make sure they are sending the right vibes to a potential mate? Let’s say they meet someone at one of the many watering holes?
It’s really challenging sometimes, when it comes to giving off the right vibes, as different people enter spaces with their own intentions and interest. It’s important for those that identify as women, to be mindful of their expectations and also have personal boundaries for themselves and others, so when engaging in conversations with, single men, they can better be aware of the right vibes vs negative vibes, from themselves and others interacting with. Some key tips, I would give are:
Before you try, finding love again, get to know yourself first and understand your past relationships (what worked/ didn’t work). This will help you get ready for a relationship, as you will be better able to recognize what you are looking for and if that relates to signs of a healthy relationship.
Some, dating advice, Go to spaces where you may find someone with similar interest like you, somewhere that you feel comfortable and exudes positive energy. Most likely, you will attract like minded, single men, that will give off similar positive energy.
Be assertive and clear when communicating. Engage in conversations to discover common interest, identify personal traits.
When, dating, be open to new experiences.
Know your boundaries and if you feel someone is not respecting them, have your exit and safety plan ready.
These are some of the, dating advice, I would tell my, single women, clients to keep in mind when thinking about meeting a, single man.
Where did you meet your husband?
Arifah says she met her husband Kevin Mortley while I was working in the entertainment industry as a promoter. He was also involved in the industry, promoting concerts for artist, and a graphic designer. He reached out to me online and we had a conversation over the phone.
How do, Single Women, prepare, Love’s House?
Almost 20 years ago, I read a book by Iyanla Vanzant called” In the meantime, finding yourself and the love you want”
The concept of this book is prepare yourself and your life for love while waiting in, Love’s House.
One of the first things I remembered she said was to,
Start by living your, single life, like you are already in a relationship.
You are making room for a partner. But the synopsis of the book is to look at your, single life, as a 3 story house, complete with a basement and an attic.
She calls this house, Love’s House. Loving yourself in the meantime while you are waiting on, finding love again.
In the basement of, Love’s House, you are pretty miserable. You are hurting, lonely and disillusioned. Your emotions are blame, anger, and fear. But the basement is also a place for healing. For understanding yourself. If you don’t fix yourself in the basement, you will carry that baggage and hurt into your next relationship.
Arifah how do you help, single women, heal from hurt and blame?
Finding love after heartbreak, first fdentify and validate the pain.
Express yourself –Talking to a trust friend, family member or counselor is often a good way to soothe painful emotions and support healing.
Self care – take a break and find time for things you enjoy or would like to try (creative activities, manicure, hairstyles, movies, journaling, baking etc.)
Learn from it – An attitude of learning will help you discover value in the experience. You may also discover a curious new freedom: recovering from an emotional trauma or heartbreak makes you stronger, wiser and more resilient.
Reinvest in your new reality. Set goals and write down the steps and supports you need to begin working on them. Spark new energy and interests into your life, to find purpose and love of something else.
On the first floor of , Love’s House, you are no longer miserable and is able to look objectively at why you attract the people in your life that you do. Who are let’s say are emotionally unavailable, abusive, unsupportive etc.
On the second floor of, Love’s House, single women, Love’s house is where you change the dialog from victim to player. You educate yourself to play. You read books on, finding love again, you listen to podcasts on relationships, you start improving yourself, you become the picture card that everyone man wants.
The most important, dating advice for, single women, on the second floor is that there is nothing wrong with you. You are enough and any man should be happy to have you. Say it until you believe it if you need convincing.
The third floor of, Love’s House, is when, single women, are living the, single life, and loving who you are as a, single woman. Content with herself, whole, needing no man to complete her. She is confident, self-sufficient, courageous and beautiful inside and out.
The top floor is the Attic
In the attic, single women, showers themselves with unconditional Love. Single women over 40, are able to receive the love of, single men. This is where you will begin to attract the perfect partner because negativity, does not live here.
You know what you want and, who you seek is also seeking you!
Arifah What, dating advice, you have for, single women, through the phases of finding themselves in, love’s house.
Make sense of your past
In order to thing about, finding love, first uncover who we are and why we act the way we do, we have to know our own story
Differentiate
Differentiation refers to the process of striving to develop a sense of ourselves as independent individuals. In order to find ourselves and fulfill our unique destinies, we must differentiate from destructive interpersonal, familial and societal influences that don’t serve us.
Seek meaning
In order to find ourselves and, finding love after a heartbreak, we must all seek out our own personal sense of purpose. This means separating our own point of view from other people’s expectations of us. It means asking ourselves what our values are, what truly matters to us, then following the principles we believe in.
Recognize your personal power when, finding love again
When we know what we want, we are challenged to take power over our lives. We are accepting ourselves as a powerful player in our own destiny. Harnessing our personal power is essential to both finding and becoming ourselves
Single women over 50, must silence their critical inner thoughts
This destructive thought process can be made up of a judgmental attitude that tells us we aren’t good enough to succeed or don’t deserve what we want or a soothing-seeming attitude that tells us we don’t have to try or that we need to be taken care of or controlled.
Know the value of friendship with, single men
We can seek out people who make us happy, who support what lights us up and who inspire us to feel passionate about our lives. Being friends while, dating, gives you the opportunity to learn things about the person that you may not have learned otherwise
Story of a, single woman, finding love after a heartbreak
In the last episode, I mentioned that I would love the listeners to join my Life coach group on Facebook. They could ask questions and have myself and other members give them, dating advise.
Here is a question from Mari. Her husband died last year and she wants, dating advice, on how to start over. What should she look for in a mate?
As a, life coach, I think that, single women, starting over or starting out, dating, again should have a list of what they want in a man.
It should go deeper than tall, dark and handsome!
You should have common interests,
be equally yoked,
have the same standard of living,
same religion,
similar sex drive.
The list could be lengthy and you are not going to get every thing on your list but you are shooting for 80%.
Arifah What’s your, Dating Advice, for Mari
Hi Mari, its never easy after a significant loss, or, finding love after heartbreak. There is no starting over, as your husband will still play a role in your lifestory. Moving forward, you want to know what type of role that will be, maybe its pictures in a photo album or another memory keepsake. You need to figure this out, before you move forward, as sometimes we feel guilty, which is normal; but its apart of the grieving process, allow yourself to acknowledge that is what it is and determine what new reality are you hoping for in seeking a mate.
You can start with figuring out what you want, create a love resume for yourself in terms of what would characteristics, interests, you are looking for in that, single man. Once that’s done, you are half way there to having a mindset and discovering possible spaces or friends your potential mate may visit.
This is a question from our last episode. We talked about fear and courage in our last episode.
How Do I handle the fear of, Dating, Steffy from India. Writes.
All I know is that I’ve a great fear. I’ve some kind of burden in my mind and I am not able to figure it out. I am a, single man, I wake up in the middle of night and I have these panic attacks and stuff, tried meditation; but I am not able to concentrate. I need advice on, dating. Finding love again. The more I try the more I lose my hopes and start feeling worthless. Please help.
Since this is a mental health question I will let Arifah answer this one.
Hi Steffy, thank you for sharing your lived experience with fear. It sounds like it is impacting your daily routine and ability to accomplish meaningful goals, such as, finding love. I want to say its common for people that are experiencing anxiety to lose hope, but you not worthless and help is available.
It may be helpful to monitor your daily routine and meals for the day, for example, stress/sugar and caffeine can increase anxiety. Make an appointment to see your family doctor or at a clinic if you are able too, to share how you are feeling emotionally and physically. Your doctor can provide professional advice to best help you.
In regards to fear of speaking to, single women, it’s helpful to practice writing down what you want to say, then reading it to yourself out loud or in front a mirror. If you have friends/family you feel comfortable around and that are supportive, you can also practice public speaking in front of them first to get comfortable before larger crowds.
Breathing exercises and drinking water/herbal teas can be helpful in calming the nerves. As well, watching videos or reading books from motivational speakers, that may offer tips you may find helpful.
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The late, Kevin Samuels, controversially said that, Black women, over 35 cannot get a man because any, high value man, could get a younger woman.
The gist of his message was that women over 35 who are single with children are like used cars. Top quality men don’t want them since they they are, low value, and the, high value man, have options and they exercise these options for younger women with no children and baby daddy drama.
So here in lies the dilemma. Even though women were calling, Kevin Samuels, a scum bag, he had a huge following of men because they knew he was talking truth. These so called, high value men, were willing to rip into a man of God Dr. Jamal Bryant, senior pastor at New Birth in Atlanta, in defense of, Kevin Samuels.
It is true that, black women, over 35 are looking for the, high value man, and men over 35 are looking for younger women? How do we know this is true? The reason I know this is true is because everyone is looking and nobody is finding love, because love is not about hair, booty, breasts or skin color. Love is about chemistry, it is an energy.
So, ladies my, dating advice, to you is you must age like fine wine, you have much more to offer a man and you need to let him see this. You have experience.
Remember that relationship you walked out of in your 20ths, now you realize that it was the best relationship you ever had. There is a lesson in every failure.
So now that you are 35+ and single; what have you learned about men? What I have learned is that the, high value man, would sleep with the 35+, black woman, with the good hair and the booty, but they look for more in the woman they marry.
So, while you are sitting on the shelf, make yourself ready for your husband. You have to become, wife material.
6 ways to become wife material
Learn to speak on a variety of topics, men are no longer attracted to the dumb pretty woman anymore.
Learn the rules of basketball and football. Most men like sports so, you must learn to like them as well, so he doesn’t have to go out with the boys to watch the game. He could watch it with his woman.
Learn to cook dinner for two. A man wants to marry a woman who can cook.
Get a gym membership, men like to hold muscles not fat.
Learn to control your tongue, sometimes silence is the best answer.
Learn to build up a man and not tear him down. Life and death are in the tongue, speak life into your man. Encourage him, listen to him, support him.
I listened to, Kevin Samuels, most famous video. This video had 3M views and over 3K comments when I watched it months ago! Kevin Samuels, was speaking to a woman who was 35 had a 13-year-old son and was making 6 figures. She said she wanted a, high value man, who made 6 figures because when she dates men below her pay grade, she gets idiots.
Kevin Samuels, asked her from a scale of 1 to 10 where would she fall and she said 6. He then told her that, high value men, who make 6 figures are in the top 10% of all men and have options. They are not looking for an average, black woman, 35+ with a 13-year-old son, he called her a, low value woman.
He is correct, they are not looking for you, but if you age like fine wine and prepare yourself while you’re fermenting, they will take a sip of you and become intoxicated.
Black women prepare yourself to become a high value woman
The other thing I have learned is it may have been a long time since you have been held by a man and you can’t wait to jump into bed; don’t do it. A man must respect the woman he marries. Don’t sleep with him until he calls you his girlfriend and you are sure he is not married!
There is a dilemma for, black women, over 35 who are single with children, but finding love is not impossible. I got married at 46 with a 16-year-old daughter. The chemistry was right and I was prepared. So don’t let anyone tell you, you are a, low value woman, and that you are like a used car. Antiques cars are more valuable than new cars. You have wisdom, skills, and know how to treat and keep a man.
Conclusion
Hope this helps someone.
You have been listening to 5 mins with coach Myrna, I want to invite you to join my Facebook group called Lifecoach, for inspiration throughout the week. Until next time Namaste
Some, people come into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime, but we have a tendency to turn, relationships, that were only meant to be for a, reason, into a forever relationship and that is why we suffer. These, relationships, have passed their expiration date.
In the Bible story of, Jonah. Jonah, heard from God that he wanted him to go preach a message of repentance to the people of Nineveh. Jonah, refused because he believed the people of Nineveh deserved to be punished, so he booked a ticket on a ship going in the opposite direction to get as far away from Nineveh. So, God caused a storm and then whispered in the ear of the sailors that, Jonah, was the cause of the storm and that if they threw him over board they would survive the storm. So, they threw, Jonah, overboard.
God then spoke to the whale and prepared the whale to swallow, Jonah, whole and not to digest him. Jonah, was in the belly of the whale 3 days until realized that his disobedience was the, reason, for him being in the belly of the whale.
He prayed and asked God for mercy and agreed to complete his assignment. God then told the whale where to drop, Jonah, off in Nineveh, the place where he was supposed to go in the first place.
I used this story to highlight that sometimes, people come into your life for a reason, and not for a lifetime. Jonah and the whale, was for a, reason. The whale’s only purpose in this story was to swallow, Jonah, spin him around for a few days and then drop him off after he came to his senses.
When the whale dropped off, Jonah, there were no tears, they never saw each other again.
We have to realize that, some people come into our life for a reason, and not try to turn, relationships, that were only meant to be for a, season, or a, reason, into a, forever relationship, and that is why we suffer. These, relationships, have passed their expiration date.
Here are the, life lessons, we can gleam from Jonah and the whale:
God is in charge. You have a purpose and an, assignment, to your life and even though God gave you free will he still expects you to complete your, assignment.
In order for you to complete your, assignment, some people come into your life for a reason, but because of our psychological make up we fall in love with the people who are only supposed to be in our lives for a, reason. The whale swallowed, Jonah, and transported him to where he needed to be. When the whale dropped off, Jonah, that was the end of the, entanglement. Some people come into your life for a reason, and that reason is called an, entanglement, it is not supposed to lead to a marriage or kids.
Ask Jada Pinkett Smith. She correctly called her affair an, entanglement. The, reason we suffer is that we do not realize that some people come into our lives for a reason, and some for a, season. We try to make our, relationships, last longer than they were intended to.
The third, life lesson, we can learn from, Jonah and the whale, is that God spoke directly to the whale and not to, Jonah. He told the whale to swallow, Jonah, and he told the whale when to vomit him up. Many of us feel badly when we are vomited up and left alone, but we forget that, some people come into our life for a reason, and that reason was to carry us to the other side. Maybe that man helped you go back to school. Maybe he provided for you and your children when their father walked out on you and left you penny less. He was there for a, season, your winter season and a, reason, to get you through.
There is nothing wrong with you. Jonah, didn’t go asking the whale why he vomited him up. He didn’t feel unworthy because the whale did not want to eat him. I read an interview a few weeks back from the actress Emma Thompson. She said that when she found out that her husband was having an affair, she never felt so unlovable and unworthy of love in her life. How many of us have been there. When we are cheated on, we feel there is something wrong with us. We feel unlovable.
Haley Berry said it best she said she left like a piece of gum under David Justices shoes. You have got to realize that men don’t cheat because there is something wrong with you. They cheat because there is something wrong with them and that is how God sets you free.
Have no fear you will find your forever love be patient he will show up when you least expect it. Your failed relationships were there for a reason, God used them to prepare you for your forever love.
Often when we’re mating or in the beginning of a relationship, we don’t know how it’s going turn out. We are not conscious of our, attachment styles, we don’t know how the dance is going to take place until the, attachment, takes place. After the honeymoon phase someone can be scared of intimacy and pull away or someone could be scared of abandonment and move closer. But these patterns don’t show up until a little bit later in the relationship.
Myrna: All right, Jessica. So as we start off, I always like to get a foundation so the listeners can understand your backstory. So what was your journey to becoming a, couples therapist? Tell me there’s a juicy story there.
Jessica: Well, definitely through my own interpersonal struggles for sure. You know, I did a session or something called, IMAGO therapy. So it’s, I’m a psychotherapist and I went to a psychotherapist and I got I worked with, IMAGO therapy, which means image, and through that work, I started to develop an understanding of my own, attachment wounds, and how I was relating in relationships and that definitely made me want to become a, certified Imago specialist.
So that’s one of the things that I am passionate about. And then I started working with, substance abuse centers, and started treating families with a lot of codependency, and system issues. I also treated a lot of couples in my private practice. So I started to see these unconscious dances and these wounds play out and you know with, Imago therapy, there’s a lot of trauma that comes up in, relationships, you know, and so our wounds show up.
So I was starting to see this happen over and over again. And I was starting to help it in big ways in my office and see really powerful transformations come up in, relationships, and so through my own journey and through my private practice. Yeah, I just I wanted to get this information out to the world. I also in my early 20s, identified as a, codependent, and read every book on, codependency, I could get my hands on and it wasn’t until I discovered, attachment theory, later on.
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I went to school and studied it for years until I really understood that, codependency, is a product of, attachment wounds, and how we relate and stay in connection, because that’s our biological imperative. So it was a combination of my own work and working with family systems and then working with couples that led me to want to write this book.
Myrna: That’s amazing. You unpacked a lot of stuff there. One, IMAGO therapy. I’ve never heard of it.
Jessica: I highly recommend, IMAGO therapy, or Emotionally Focused couples, counseling. Those are two modalities that you have to be extra certified in and they really work with the energy and dynamics in, relationships. Protection show up and the wounds start to show up and all of a sudden we’re having sensations and wounds, kind of these patterns showing up in our most romantic, relationships.
And we’re all kind of confused, but this is actually supposed to happen because what happened to us when we were younger is subconscious and then now we’re as adults and we’re partnering up all of that actually gets reenacted and hopefully can then get healed in relationship it with two conscious people doing the work.
So that’s why I really loved, IMAGO therapy, it’s not about a therapist sitting in a room telling you what to do. It’s actually led by this beautiful dance between the couple where the therapist is outside leading deep dialogue to help each person see where their wounding is, in such a beautiful way. It’s experiential. So it’s a process you go through and it just impacted me very deeply that I decided to get certified and trained in it myself and I’ve had a lot of success with it.
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Childhood trauma shows up in our attachment styles
Myrna: I guess everything is, trauma, because even if you were abandoned, or you were abused, it still in the trauma bucket. Right. So is that what you’re talking about?
Jessica: I’m talking about, developmental trauma. And so, trauma, has a big word and if you’re listening you might be like, I have no, trauma. But the truth is, our earliest experiences even though they might not appear like, trauma, how we relate to our primary caregiver, how rupture and repair happen, what those early interactions are, they shape your developmental process. And is the lens in which we see the world, they shape our physical body, they shape our nervous system and ultimately our, attachment styles.
So there’s a lot of impact that happens when we’re young that we don’t even realize it until we get intimate and close with another in our adult years. And so that’s essentially, attachment theory. But yeah, it’s adaptations. How we adapted when we were really small to stay in connection is or keep ourselves safe is usually how we will adapt in our, romantic relationships, when things get a little bumpy.
Myrna: Okay, all right. So I’m still trying to wrap my head around this one, so I’m pretty sure our listeners are too I’m thinking that, you know, we have had men and women seem to pick the same type of partner, they usually end up in, relationships, where maybe the man is abusive, or a relationship where they’re abandoned, but they seem to have these, attachments styles. So I think that’s probably where you’re going.
Our attachment styles comes from embedded patterns
Jessica: Attachment styles, is a category but they’re really embedded patterns. That we form in our nervous system early on. And there’s four traditional, attachment styles, categories:
Secure attachment style- That’s someone who has grown up with an inherent sense of trust, doesn’t struggle with intimacy or feels okay being alone. They really are secure within themselves.
Insecure attachment style – There’s anxious which is the one I wrote my book on,
Avoidant attachment style – There’s fearful avoidant and so anxious people tend to have gotten inconsistency in their parenting. So they, there’s also a heightened anxiety and hyper vigilance.
We actually mirror our mother’s brain and nervous system when we’re developing and if our primary caregiver wasn’t consistent enough, we’re always kind of waiting for the shoe to drop. There’s a sense that connection isn’t going to stay the same, I got to keep my partner happy, or I have to bend over backwards to please them. We’ll tend to self abandon our own body as a way to survive.
I mean, it’s actually how we learn to survive and stay in connection in our earliest, relationships. Avoidant, attachment style, is really someone who didn’t get their emotional needs met well, and learn to kind of rely a little bit more on their own and they become more independent. They tend to be people who are really focused on career and who are successful and they are not as dependent, they don’t need as much connection.
3 Types of attachment styles
These two anxious and avoidant, attachment styles, tend to partner with each other. So just their inherent needs are so different because of their, attachment styles. And then there’s fearful avoidant, which is a embedded combination of both. So it’s a two way street. So you have your embedded patterns, but how they show up depends on also who you attach to and how their patterns combined with your patterns,
Then you have a combined embedded pattern dance between the relationship and I would say all, relationships, have a dance to some degree. So it’s complicated and it’s layered but usually you have one way of trying to get your needs met, whether that’s reaching out expanding, being dependent or being, interdependent, and isolating when you’re scared shutting down.
Myrna: I was thinking, attachment styles, I was thinking like attachment patterns. But what you’re talking about is is is how you show up in a relationship.
Jessica: Yeah, I mean, due to neuroplasticity, no one can say that any, attachment style, is static. We have the research to show that things are always changing and we will move towards warm connection and build new neural wiring and build new secure attachment. The more secure people we attach to not just our husband or wife but friends and colleagues. The more we have secure safe people in our life, the more self confident and the more inner security is built.
It’s actually, healthy dependency, or, inter-dependency, that we’re looking for. So if a baby felt like there was a lack of trust, and they will be dropped, and they couldn’t depend on their primary caregiver, where adults can actually depend in healthy ways on many different people who are safe and secure. You rebuild that inner security from within and it’s very changeable. It does require a little bit of work. But it definitely is a changeable thing.
Myrna: That’s good to know. That, you can be changeable even outside of therapy. If they form an attachment with someone that’s nurturing as an adult, they will start to build back as a whole person.
Why do we pick the same people?
Jessica: Someone who has an insecure base might not do this to secure person because their nervous system is very steady and calm that can feel boring and not exciting for them. So they’ll pick what’s familiar unconsciously. A lot of relationship type of psychotherapy says that our core wounds are going to come up no matter who we pick.
The subconscious is going to come up in those deep, relationships. But if you find yourself attracting the same type of person over and over again, the bad boy or bad girl, or an emotionally unavailable person, then that is an indication that you had an unavailable person in your childhood and there’s a familiarity there. And so you’re trying to repair.
Myrna: That’s what I thought we were talking about the, attachment styles. That’s where we’re gonna go is Yes, I know that you subconsciously. And I even heard that narcissists and people that are predators, pick up on the person that is that is insecure, and that’s the person that they attached to. Right?
Jessica: Narcissists are deeply insecure themselves. So there’s a sense of that going on in in them as well. But yeah, they can pick up on that or they will.
Myrna: How do we break that, attachment style cycle? Now, I think you touched on that a little bit just now that we picked things that are familiar. But let’s touch on the, attachment wounds. So let’s say that we had parents that didn’t see us, you know what I mean? We weren’t really totally abandoned, but we were not seen.
Jessica: Yeah, that’s always the, autonomic nervous system, picking things but our wounds exist inside of us. You tell yourself, I’m unlovable, I will be left. I’m unworthy. That’s an inherent sense that lives in our body. That’s not even the story. It’s a feeling that lives inside of us. So if we’re feel that way, we can even pick someone who make us at the center of their world. And as the relationship goes through phases, and they step away, whether they really step away or they really neglect the relationship. All the feelings of being unworthy or not being seen or being neglected are actually going to come to the surface.
Because there was togetherness, and then there were separateness which happens in every relationship. So it’s going to trigger your feelings of unworthiness. The degree in which it brings it up as depends on the person that you pair with. If you have a turbulent relationship, it might just keep repeating that feeling and that sensation and again, that’s your nervous system going into fight flight, coming up with stories in your head to match what you’re feeling in your body, and you’ve just keep buying the same narrative over again.
Often when we’re mating or in the beginning of a relationship, you don’t know how it’s going turn out. There’s no protections up and sometimes you don’t know how the dance is going to take place until the attachment takes place. After the honeymoon phase someone can be scared of intimacy and pull away or someone could be scared of abandonment and move closer. But these patterns don’t show up until a little bit later in the relationship.
So it can be really confusing because something could start off really wonderful and go south really fast. And that’s because of protections and adaptations and your nervous system started to get really scared and it became unsafe really fast for one or both parties.
Myrna: So what exactly is a trigger? And what are some of the tools that we can use when triggered in relationship?
Triggers are formed from sensations stored in the body
Jessica: Well, if it’s sensational, it’s early memory, so if you are a teenager and you’re getting left, it can leave pain for sure. And there can be, trauma, later on in life. But if you have a really secure base, you’ll probably be like, Oh, you’ll recover much faster. When we’re really looking at memory, there’s different kinds of memory. We store memory first when we’re really young as sensation we don’t have a hippocampus fully developed. So the sensations are really big.
I don’t say, trigger, I like to use the word awakened because we’re awakening in these moments to painful things that are going on inside of our body. But if you know the nervous system, what we know is that we’re supposed to feel safe. So when you feel abandoned, your system will shift out of safety into fight. Flight freeze, or fawn depending on how you adapted in your patterns.
So when your body is going into an activated state, usually sympathetic arousal and your thoughts start blaming and projecting there’s a chance that you’re not feeling safe in your body and then that has activated something very scary inside. When I hear the work, trigger, I think of a gun and I think trauma and shame but really we’re awakening parts of ourselves.
Myrna: Wow. You’re doing good work. I am very interested in your in your research. It’s amazing. All right. So you have developed this method that’s called the, self-full method. You want to tell us about that?
Jessica: It’s in this book that I just published called “Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love” I cover the, self-full method, deep in here In layman’s terms. I worked with a lot of, codependent, people who would come into my office and I would be like, you need to be more selfish. You need to learn how to take care of yourself and they would look at me like that’s a bad word.
Myrna: I just found out the other day you’re right that selfish just means taking care of yourself. It’s not a bad word.
Jessica: Well actually selfish is not great. But what I said is so selfless is that state I talk about constantly giving and giving and giving. And selfish is a state of taking care and protection. They’re not bad states, either one of them but they’re both sympathetic states of arousal in our nervous system. A, self-full, state is a norm as a calm state of connection where there’s fluid boundaries, there’s an ability to request your needs. There’s a sense of safety in the relationship.
And we all travel within the states all the time. But you might notice how I’m selfless in my relationship. I tend to self abandon, I tend to give a lot away, I tend to people please when I’m in a relationship because I don’t want to lose love and I tend to attract really selfish people. That’s a dynamic that you see a lot, so working towards a, self full, place is about doing your own inner work, and really being with more parts of yourself and understanding your nervous system in a new way.
Attracting someone who equally can give an exchange of these things so that you don’t keep giving, because the giving is an adaptation. And it’s coming from fear rather than always wanting to give. And even a selfish state which everyone enters are fluid, but if you enter a really selfish or close down or walled off state, it’s also a state of activation and a state of fear.
So those two tend to be the polar opposites of the spectrum. And so, self-full, is like a ventral state of connection. Getting yourself calm, being connected with yourself being connected with others feeling safe in your relationship. And so I’ve talked about how to cultivate that within your own body and your nervous system and in the, relationships, in your life and how to work with that and develop more, more capacity to be in a, self full, state.
Book: Anxiously attached
Conclusion
Myrna: That’s good as you were talking, I thought of myself. How can women connect with you and get a copy of your book?
Jessica: Yeah, so I mean, my book is everywhere. It’s on Barnes and Nobles. It’s on Amazon, you name it. It’s everywhere. It’s going to be in seven countries, it is just really getting out there in the world. So you can just go on Amazon and put in Anxiously Attached, becoming more secure in life and love. You can also find me on Instagram @JessicaBaumLMHC. My website https://www.beselffull.com/ is where I have some of my online courses and the relationship Institute in Palm Beach is a private practice here in South Florida.
We do intense couples work trauma, I have a five therapists on my team. So we work to collectively to treat couples and system issues. So those are all the ways that you can find me. I’ve poured my heart and soul into that book for the last four years and I think if you resonate with someone who has, codependency, or you self abandon or you give yourself away, it’s really a healing path to forming a healthier relationship with yourself, but also getting that fulfilling relationship that you want and truly deserve on the outside.
Today my guest is Ms Patricia Fuqua. Patricia is a best-selling author, award-winning motivational speaker, and relationship expert, specializing in, second time around, today we’re going be talking on the topic “How to find your diamond the, second time around,” I am going to enjoy talking to you because I’ve been around more than twice!
Bio
Let me tell you more about my guest Ms Patricia Fuqua. Patricia is the founder
of Dating Diamonds, a service that empowers women to meet the right man the, second time around. She is the creator of the “First Date the Soulmate Program” and since she has helped over 500 women meet the right man by designing a personalized plan. She helps them implement that plan. She’s polished the art of relationship in her 40 year marriage to her, soulmate, husband.
Her strategy benefits men too, after all the more knowledge you have the more you can thrive. Her clients can be found in major cities including Sydney, Washington DC, Sacramento and San Francisco. She mentors women to use the story of their lives to create the relationship they choose the second time around. Patricia has her master’s degree in American literature and an adult IDI
credential from San Francisco State University.
She holds coaching credentials from the Academy of Excellence and the
Windless Institute. She is a certified matchmaker with the matchmaker Institute and, second time around, coach.
Patricia also produced and hosted the TV show called the Patricia Fuqua show, a platform for using intuitive and spiritual practices as guides for better
relationships.
How to find your diamond the second time around
Well Patricia that is a very excellent Bio, it covers a lot of territory.
I always like to start off my show asking my guests of their journey to this point in their career. Can you talk about your journey to becoming a relationship expert and author specializing in the, second time around? I know that you’ve been married for years and I need to say congratulations right off the top because that is quite an accomplishment; but how did you transcend your own relationship to becoming a coach?
Patricia: Well, now I’ve honed and polished my communication skills; but it wasn’t always this way. There was a time in my marriage when I
was depressed because I was juggling career and the needs of young children
and my husband. I got really depressed because I was really feeling sorry for myself and then I got mad went into this deep funk. It wasn’t until I discovered that I had the choice to be happy or to be sad that I started to turn myself around.
It wasn’t my husband, it wasn’t my children, it wasn’t my job, it wasn’t my life. It was the way I was looking at it so, when I discovered that I could be happy as a choice as well as being sad, I started to reach for better feeling thoughts, finding something good about everything and anytime somebody made me upset or I felt overwhelmed. I said okay so what’s the silver lining here?
Helping women find love the second time around
I started to get answers and so as I discovered the power of choosing how I was going to feel about any situation or any person or relationship I said to myself this I have to share with the rest of the women in my life, because we could be so much happier if we only knew we could just choose to do it. I have the technique to show them so that’s when I became inspired to start coaching women because I love happy people.
I just love being around happy people and helping them
learn to be happy the, second time around. Helping them to have more love in their lives.
I always been a spiritual person studying spiritual practices, some people would say religion, and always I wanted to be in alignment with source, some people would say God, Universe, Higher Intelligence. There are many names
for that creator and so as a result that’s how I started coaching. I started
saying well this is what I’ve learned about being happy and in love, so I’m
wanting to share this with you and we can personalize it for you so that you
too can have more love and happiness in your life.
And that one day that I had this record-breaking seminar for women, it was just like they were lined up around the table and down the aisles waiting to speak to me. I was just giving them these nuggets of wisdoms and, second time around, nuggets that I had come to from my reading from my study and they were walking away happy, so it was a great day.
It was it’s one of those peak experiences.
We are all looking for happiness
Myrna: Wow that is awesome and you know a lot of people would go through that process and keep it all to themselves, so it’s absolutely great that
you through that process realized that everything is better when you share.
That’s an overstatement, everything is better when you share. God gives
you a testimony, so that you can share and you can encourage and it’s really
profound that you had this really record-breaking experience of everybody
wanted a piece because you’ve hit on something.
Happiness, is a rare quality, even when you’ve got all you want
somehow a lot of people are still not happy and you know it’s really
interesting; but I did an interview on this show with a monk
called Swami G about 2 years and this morning Facebook shared the memory.
I reposted, he was saying that happiness doesn’t come from external
Sources, just like you have figured out it comes from inside and that’s why you
know the Buddhist monks talk about enlightenment, because when you’re
enlightened you know suffering and unhappiness doesn’t come to you.
I woke up this morning with some heavy things going on in my
life and my children, and when I posted it. I said, I wish that
I myself can tap into that field today. I was meditating this morning from very early in the morning and it just didn’t work because my mind was too busy. So, if you have gems that help people, that is why they’re lined up because it’s something that you know we all require at some point in time.
We don’t have to be depressed but some days just knock you down. Good story so I’m glad that you were able to bottle your experiences to help others to get there as well. You touched on something as well about you being
very spiritual and connected to source. So my second question is how can other women use intuitive and spiritual practices as a guide for better relationships the, second time around?
Let’s just add happiness on to that.
That’s the exciting part of my practice because when I’m sharing with women the seven principles that are in the book, Second Time Around, meditation is number one and I’m glad that you’re a meditator because even
when we feel that, oh my God my mind is so busy it didn’t make a difference, it
does make a difference because you’re quieting your mind,
and it can give you a different perspective on a situation.
I’ve learned over time that women need to or benefit from having a different
perspective on the situation, or relationship, and dating and love and
happiness because we can as a group, are very sensitive and emotional. Some
more than others, and when we can tap into that place where we’re feeling not
as positive as we could and start to look at least one positive thing
about a situation, you recognize what they’re feeling and to shift.
It’s kind of like this morning you said you woke up with heavy feelings and the meditation didn’t feel like it was making a difference, however if it ever entered your mind that oh well this is something I could be thankful for in this
situation, that is going to raise your emotional tone.
We get stronger at managing our feelings and eventually we get to the place where we can move more quickly up this emotional scale to happiness or at least optimism, and after meditation if you say to yourself oh well it wasn’t
quite as bad as I thought because B and C is in place, you move up the scale.
You are correct, this morning I didn’t come up with
any positives, but I came up with some guidance and that’s basically what
happens when you quiet your mind right the Universe, God, your
Higher self gives you some guidance and some next steps.
What are you bringing to the table
Some of the other principles have to do with just mining. Like gold mining your own story to figure out what you really want to experience in relationship. Some women want to feel pampered and protected and privileged, and you know what is it each woman needs is to discover or to remind herself what she really wants to experience in relationship. Some women are very conventional and they like the idea of having a man play a man’s role, do the man things in in the conventional sense, manage the house, take out the garbage,
that sort of thing.
Other women want somebody to plan their fun, so what is it that helps you feel the way you want to feel in relationship, that you would like that other person to be doing? That’s one of the key principles, there are seven total principles we don’t have time to go into them all now. Meditation to manage your own
thoughts and feelings. Now it your, second time around, what are you bringing to the table?
Awesome, alright so again we’re touching on mindsets a little bit, so this is an interesting question for me to ask you because we’re specifically talking here about the, second time around. Women who has been divorced, the woman is maybe in a committed relationship, maybe not necessarily married; but they’re
starting over again and your mindset is very crucial because your mindset can
actually keep you from making this a positive experience.
So what mindset do you coach your women and men then that they have to develop when they’re in the, second time around?
I have the attitude that there is a lid for every pot.
Know what you want the second time around
That’s an old southern expression that means all they have to do is be very clear on the vision of what they want to experience and they will meet that person.
So those mindsets have to be in the present. If we’re going to develop a relationship a, second time around, that is satisfying and that can last. Having a lid and every pot means that there’s a match for you somewhere, and if you have a clear vision on the match you know as a coach as well any coaching whether it’s for whatever you want just have a clear vision of it and that’s the way you attract it to you.
I was thinking that is the most important mindset that they have to develop is that they have release the baggage of the last relationship. How do you feel about that?
It’s important to be aware of the baggage of the last
relationship because it can be like a weight around your ankles pulling you
down and away from what you want. It’s also important to be able to shift
that attitude that you might have developed, that feeling about
relationship or about the opposite gender that you had. The awareness the
self-awareness of knowing what that attitude is that’s blocking you will
allow you to come up with an alternative, so that you can do the things, say the
things that will help you attract that clear vision that you have. That’s the
lid for your pot so to speak.
Myrna: Like I said in the beginning of the podcasts, I’ve been around
the block several times myself and what I have found. To clarify I have been married like four times, what I have found is that a lot of times the baggage is
you come out of a relationship and there is a negative experience you make sure that there’s not that a negative experience is not in your next partner;
but a lot of times you find something else right, so how do you coach women
around “hey I don’t want to have a guy like that again kind of scenario?
Let the laws of attraction work for you
Patricia: I understand what you’re saying and the Law of our Universe, some people call it the Law of Attraction but the way it’s
set up is that it wants us to be happy that law is God in action or the
Universe in action or the Creator in action. We are put here to have fun
that’s the point in the studies that I have had and so when we focus on what we really want the universe hears.
The trick becomes being able to manage your feelings and
your thoughts and your attitudes so that you’re focusing on what you really want it doesn’t understand anything except for what you spend the most time
thinking about, so if you’re spending most of your time thinking about oh my
God that was the worst relationship ever, I never want to see a guy like that again! Well, that’s what you’re going to get more of or some variation, because you’re spending so much time on it and that’s what a Universe is answering.
That is the perfect answer because, yes that is exactly what happens.
That’s why a lot of women go in relationships that are
almost the same because they keep attracting the same kind of man or the
same kind of relationship because they’re saying well this is this is what
I don’t want. Let’s take an example of a cheater, this is what I don’t want or
even an abusive relationship, and then you are cycling through those all the
time because they tell the universe what they don’t want and that is exactly what shows up. I like what you said, whatever you spend time thinking about
whether it’s what you don’t want or what you do want then that’s what’s going to show up. Excellent answer.
Myrna: Who would you say is your ideal client?
My ideal client is a woman of experience and substance who has had more than one relationship, I used, second time around, because that’s a very familiar expression; but she usually has raised her children, she’s launched them into college or into the work world and she’s comfortable in her career and in a single mom.
All these years I’ve been raising the kids I’ve been taking care of other people. I have a great social life; but where is my special partner? I like this woman. I prefer this as the ideal client although men in the situation my teachings work as well; because they have had enough variety and experience they know what they want through conversation and we can plan how their strategy is going to roll out and make it happen.
I shouldn’t say make it happen but we can work with my spiritual principles so that they’re very clear on what they want, they know how to manage their mindset, they know what they would prefer to experience, they’re open to using these practices. Example: One of my clients was sitting at an
outside café in my little town here of Menlo Park one afternoon with her
college son who was home for the holiday and a man saw her at this outside café, parked his car came over to meet her.
She had been trained by me who had the strategy of being approachable, she looked radiantly beautiful; because I said honey anytime you go out you have got to look good. People are attracted by the visual. She was in line with that and so he came over sat down next to her as if he were her best friend they started chatting well as her calm was being the hostess and making him
feel comfortable; because she found out right away that he was her type of
guy. At the end of that short conversation, he passed his telephone
number to her on a napkin and said if you want to continue this just give me a
call, that was six years ago. They’re still together.
It’s about being clear, always being ready so you don’t have to
get ready and being ready for who comes into your world; so that you can check them out and decide if you want to get to know them better.
Always be ready so do don’t have to get ready
I love the last tagline. I think Will Smith says that best he says you
should always be ready cause if you’re ready, you ain’t got to get ready.
All right now let’s get a little personal and transparent. I know
you’ve been happily married for over forty years
you talked in your BIO in your journey or your history that
there was a period of time when you were depressed, because you’re doing so much, and your happiness came after you decided that you had
a choice and it was not your husband or your kids job to make
you happy.
I absolutely love that. I know this personally because that’s the reason I’m finally happy. After running around and trying to find happiness by having other people give it to me, the reason I’m happy in my relationship
is because I meditate and I do me. I don’t depend on anyone
else to be to make me happy. I make myself happy; but I saw this in
print the other day when Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck had left her. He
cheated on her with the nanny and I think she was having an interview and
she said point blank that it was not Ben’s job to make sure that she was
happy. I’m sure a lot of people that are not in our space
wouldn’t understand that; but I absolutely loved it.
So what would you say is the reason for your marital success?
Marital success second time around
Well marital success the, second time around, means also that there’s a the dark side of it that there are some times that are not successful and after years there have been times where I haven’t been successful at being happily married and so now that I am happily married, that I’ve gone through some things so the idea here is every situation that has conflict in it.
I have learned to ask myself what would you prefer here Patricia? And when I get the answer to that then I can get busy, I can start conversations. In the book, I’m leading women to go from “first date to soul mate” with these principles and it doesn’t stop once you meet and develop the relationship with your soulmate, the conversations and the communication has to continue through the inevitable conflicts that happen between two people in an intimate personal relationship.
So as a result I’ve learned to use that very powerful question
“What would you prefer here Patricia?” That tells me that I
need to start doing my practices and asking that question.
What is it you want the man to do? What it is you
want the woman to do? We don’t communicate what we want we just fight about it because we’re expecting to be mind reader’s.
As we wrap up our show today, Patricia how can our readers and listeners get in touch with you and get a copy of your book, second time around?
I would love to chat with people or let them know a link for the book and so I would ask people to just email me [email protected] Put in the subject line “chat” or “Book” and I’ll send you a copy of the book
which will go into some of the seven principles that I talked about.
How can the, Law of Attraction for couples, help you to thrive at home and at work? NYT best selling author Christy Whitman talks about thriving in your relationships this week on the “Transform your Mind with Coach Myrna” podcast.
Christy is the author of “Quantum Success 7 essential laws, for a thriving joyful and prosperous relationship with your work and money”
Before we get started, I want to give a shout out to our sponsor for today’s episode. Our sponsor today is T.Y Waterproofing serving the Atlanta area. T.Y Waterproofing has over 30 years’ experience in waterproofing and basement repairs. Let T.Y Waterproofing, waterproof your crawl spaces, slabs, remove and kill mold, install all sump pumps, and French drains. Call Timothy at 404-449-5467 for a free estimate.
Christie Whitman is a Transformational Leader, Celebrity coach, New York Times bestselling author twice, one for “The Art of Having it All” and the second for “Taming your Alpha Bitch” I love that title! Christy has appeared on The Today Show, the Morning Show, and her works have been featured in People’s magazine, Seventeen, Women’s Day, Hollywood Life, and Teen Vogue among others.
Christie is the CEO and founder of the Quantum Success Learning Academy and Quantum Success Coaching Academy a 12-month, Law of Attraction, coaching certificate program. Christie has helped thousands of people through her empowerment seminars, speeches and coaching sessions, and products.
Christi’s life-changing message reached over 200,000 people a month, and her work has been promoted by and featured with esteem authors and luminaries such as Marianne Williamson, Dr. Dwayne Dwyer, Marci Shimoff,Brian Tracy, Neil Donald Walsh, Abram Hicks, and Louise Hay. She currently lives in Arizona with her husband Frederic and there are two boys Alexander and Maxim.
Christy’s Journey as a Law of Attraction for Couples Coach
Myrna – That’s was a very impressive Bio. I loved reading it. As a, life coaching podcast, I am always interested in my listeners learning life skills from my guests stories. You’ve done a lot, you’re quite accomplished. Can you give us a little bit of your backstory? Tell us your journey to becoming a successful, Law of Attraction for couples, leader and, quantum success, coach .
Christy – Sure, I always had the drive to be successful, and worked with the, law of attraction, back in day about 20 years ago, before I found the other universal laws, I did what it took to take action. I had perseverance. I went after the things that I wanted. I was able to focus, using the, law of attraction for couples, but whenever I got there, I never felt satisfied.
Using the Law of Attraction for Couples to Bring you Happiness
I never felt happy, never felt like it was enough. So no matter what I accomplished, it just didn’t good. When I actually accomplished something great, it actually would feel the opposite. I remember almost feeling let down, like okay well I was supposed to have this epiphany. I was supposed to have this, amazing feeling. I would never find that feeling of satisfaction.
When I learned more about, the law of attraction for couples, about 21 years ago, I really learned about how your thoughts create your reality. I had already been successful and I had a great career going. I was making money and yet, just wasn’t satisfied. I just felt like all the things that I was told would make me happy it wasn’t working and I was starting to think like what’s wrong with me.
I thought if I had money, if I had the career, if I had a boyfriend, if I had this great body, look a certain way, then I would be happy, and none of the outer things were doing it for me. It was when I found a sense of myself, through meditation on the, law of attraction for couples, and through really returning to myself, stopped focusing outward on everything and everyone outside of me, a healthy selfish me.
I found I was coming back to myself. I started paying attention to the thoughts that I was thinking, that was activating, the law of attraction for couples, and how I was feeling and what I really came to understand, what my body of work really has been now, is that I have to be very mindful of that no matter what situation we’re in, we can always find peace.
How to Have it All using the, Law of Attraction
How the Law of Polarity interacts with the Law of Attraction
The law of Polarity, there’s a lot of things to appreciate and be grateful for. That’s what my bodywork has been. My whole training for last 21 years has been really sensing within myself where I am. Thinking thoughts of lack and limitation, where I comparing myself to other people. I look at other people and go oh my GOD, there’s so much more successful than me and then start feeling bad about myself and feeling like what I’ve accomplished is not enough.
Or do I compare myself to what other people are making? Or what impacts are my thought having? Those are times to check myself, look for what’s right and good about my life and about my family and everything in my life versus what’s wrong and bad.
These are a different training and a different mindset to come from a perspective of abundance instead of lack and limitation, and that’s really where my internal work has been. Each time I shift up belief, a thought, a perspective from lack and limitation to one of abundance, my life just expands and explodes.
So those are the principles that I write about in my new book, Quantum Success, is that we’re all searching for some type of success, and the accolades. You know what society says is this is accomplished, then you’ll feel successful and a lot of people get there, and they feel empty, they feel like that it doesn’t have much meaning in their lives or they’re not feeling satisfied or fulfilled.
The truth is that as long as we’re chasing things outside of ourselves we’re always projecting our happiness or our fulfillment outside of ourselves. Fulfillment is never outside of ourselves, it’s within ourselves and it’s in the present moment. where all of our power exists.
How does The Law of Attraction for Couples Help in Relationships
Myrna – My first question is How does understanding your belief system help women and men who are functioning at high levels in their career or own their own business, but they’re still struggling to find contentment or happiness? How does understanding the, law of attraction for couples, help? How does understanding, quantum success, principles help in relationships?
Christy – Our beliefs are one of the ways that we create. I mean when you think about it, when we have a belief and there is such a conviction that this is so, that this is the way it is, we will create that’s what we are expecting to receive. It’s what we are expecting life to give us. We can’t create outside of our beliefs. If we believe that something good is going to happen, we then create something good.
There’s an underlying belief that what we are creating we the deserve. We’re not deserving or whatever it is; but we are always creating attracting things from the beliefs that we hold and here’s the good news. If we look at our lives and we’re not satisfied, we need to shift what we’re not satisfied about. Look at what the contrast is in our life, what we don’t want and allow that to be the springboard for what we do want.
I always ask myself when I’m finding a situation or circumstance happening in my life, I always ask myself what would I have to believe in order to create this? How does understanding the, law of attraction, facilitate my knowledge?
How Journaling helps Relationships
It’s an empowering question. I recommend even journaling about it because a lot of times if you sit there and if you haven’t done this practice before, you will not come up with an answer. I would take 10 mins with paper and I would journal. In order to create this situation what would I have to believe? What would I have to think? What would I have to be feeling in order to attract this?
You become more self-aware. I mean it’s really the process of self-awareness and when we can slow down enough to pay attention to ourselves, that is the richest thing that we can do. Not only are we connecting with ourselves, which most of us don’t do these days we’re so busy with so much going on our lives, we need to take the time to slow down and connect with our own self, to know ourselves, to know what you believe about this and that. Beliefs are not either right or wrong. This is a, life coaching podcast, so I will answer with life coaching tips.
I love when you said that most people are not conscious. As a Guyanese, I want this to also be a, Guyana podcast, Most people including Guyanese people, do not understand the, law of attraction, You use the word self-awareness which is another term for consciousness. I’ve spent a lot of time with that word in meditation and being aware. I live in higher consciousness, personal development, yet at my level right now, I will not be able to look at a situation and figure out how I created it.
I’m not there yet, but I’m in the less than 1% of the world that actually are working on self-awareness, consciousness and, personal development, As a, life coaching podcast, I teach my clients basically that whatever they want, they can create. It starts with their thoughts and starts with their belief system. You and I are both, personal development, coaches and one of the first things I do in my coaching sessions, the first couple of weeks is basically we talk about beliefs and we look back at past behaviors. You can actually figure out what you believe from how you have navigated situations in your past.
The Law of Attraction for Couples and the Universal Laws
What exactly is the, Law of Attraction, and why is it important to know the universal laws and, quantum success? The, Law of Attraction for couples, for me when I learned about it completely changed my life and the reason that they completely changed my life or that my life completely changed is because they’re for me like knowing the rules of the game or knowing the recipe to a really good cake or you know the plans to build a house.
I always say how successful would you be if you were going to go play baseball and you never saw the game before? You never knew how it was played? You don’t know what the rules are. Someone hands you a bat and says okay hit the ball. You can’t play the game if you don’t understand the rules of the game. What to do when you hit the ball? How can you get thrown out etc.
Life is similar, you have to learn the rules of the game, you have to learn the playbook. The first step is about learning these, essential universal laws and the, law of attraction, and applying them so that you become the deliberate creator of your life instead of being a victim of circumstances. There’s always going to be some kind of circumstance or situation or event or person that shapes our experiences.
It’s what we do with those experiences the perspectives that we hold, that will determine what we continue to attract in our lives. So the more you learn about these, essential laws of the universe and, the law of attraction. Knowing these universal laws is knowing the rules of the game.
The Seven Universal Laws
I try to make myself a million dollars by working with the, law of attraction, and the seven essential universal laws. We live in a vibratory universe, our universe is all about vibration. Modern science and quantum physics have now proven that everything from a human being to a rock is full of energy. Everything is energy, our thoughts our feelings, what we say, what we do, everything is coming out of us like an energy tower and we as an individual person are sending out energy signals all day every day.
The, Law of Attraction, is just matching those signals that we send out, and giving us more of the same. Now it’s not a tit-for-tat kind of thing, it’s not like oh I told someone they were a jerk and now someone’s going to call me on a jerk. It’s not like that literal, but if you’re sending out negative vibes you could be in traffic and someone could cut you off and you’re experiencing road rage, that negativity for example that wave of negativity will then cast out a returning wave of negativity to you.
So we have to be mindful about the energy that we are sending out. The thoughts that we think, the language we use. We don’t feel good when we’re sending bad vibes out, so using feelings helps makes for better choices.
For example, language like I choose not to put up with this marriage anymore. I choose not to be treated like that anymore. I choose not to waste my money or spend my money on this right now. Those are more empowering ways and languages that we can use that actually do make a difference in what we attract. The, Law of Attraction for couples, is really a mirror reflection. I like to think of it as a boomerang, it’s like what you’re sending out it’s coming back to you.
The most important law from the seven essential laws of the universe, I believe is the, Law of Sufficiency and Abundance. This law states that everything in the universe is abundant. Most of us are experiencing abundance of lack or pain or suffering, but the universe is always going to give us an abundance.
If you look at nature and look at trees you can’t say we can’t possibly count the amount of leaves that are on a tree or how many waves crash up again against the shore in the ocean, or count the raindrops that are coming down from the sky. The universe has always functioned in abundance, and to get what you want from the law is called sufficiency and abundance, it’s being in a satisfied place.
It’s coming from sufficiency. You get there by appreciating and looking for the good. In your life right now, in any situation, I don’t care what it is you can find the good things about it. The law of Polarity says that every subject is really two subjects, it’s the halving of it, or the not having of it. It’s the lack of it or the abundance of it, and when we can deliberately choose how we want to focus, what we want to believe, what we want to appreciate, or not.
How Gratitude engages the Law of Attraction for Couples
Were the ones in charge of which area, what side of the spectrum, we want to be on any given subject, but the doorway into abundance is sufficiency. You start by practicing gratitude. I first started doing gratitude meditation, I would literally walk around and think of a hundred things a day, listing all of the things that I was grateful for and that would raise my vibration, it would make me feel so good and things started, almost like magic, would start being attracted into my life.
Another thing you can do is think about one thing you’re grateful for and think of 20 things or reasons why and it’s not lip service, it’s not like I’m grateful for my husband and I’m grateful my kids, there’s no energy behind that, there’s no pain, you have to feel the emotion. Doesn’t work unless you feel. That’s why affirmations work for some people, and they don’t work for other people because people are like I’m abundant, but there’s no energy.
The other Universal Laws
These are seven essential laws of The Universe:
• The Law of Attraction,
• The Law of Allowing,
• The Law of Pure Potentiality ,
• The law of Oneness,
• The Law of Balance and Harmony,
• The Law of Sufficiency and Abundance,
•
These universal laws, when you apply them and learn how to work with them, they will absolutely change your life.
The Universe sends human beings countless signs and symbols over the course of their lives, and if you are able to comprehend them, you’ll be able to sense when you’re on your destined path in life—and when you’re not. Please read the list below to make sure you haven’t missed any vital info, and to ensure that you’re on the right journey.
Here are 13 signs The, Law of Attraction, is working for you https://ewao.com/2017/10/24/13-signs-the-law-of-attraction-is-working-for-you/
I love the Law of Sufficiency and Abundance. Deepak Chopra used to say we are just like a wave in the ocean, that the universe is abundant. We’re not going to run out of water, we’re not going to run out of grass, sunlight. I’ve used this Law, let’s say that you want a promotion and your friend gets it.
You’re jealous and you’re envious, that is a blockage because it means that you believe that is universe does not have enough for the both of you. if you say I’m happy for my friend, because this world is abundant and she’s not taking my job, there’s more available for me, and you’re happy and you celebrate that person’s success, what that’s saying is that you believe that the world is abundant.
You believe that whatever God can do for her, he is going to do for you, and that’s where a lot of people don’t get it. They’re always envious and they’re always catty and they’re jealous and they can’t celebrate your success. Abraham talks about this. She talks about contrast, she says go out there and look for contrast, look for things that you don’t have and say that’s what I want and be happy for that person. But most people don’t live there. The do not understand the, the essential laws of attraction.
We’ve been talking about the, law of attraction, the playbook, personal development, quantum success, and making this a Guyana podcast, for my people.
Be aware of fear and desire. Awareness helps balance them ~ Deepak Chopra
To get a FREE copy of Christy’s book, Head over to iTunes snd leave a review for the Transform Your Mind with coach Myrna podcast, then head over to www.quantumsuccessbook.com and Kristy will send you her new book when it comes out in September for free. All you do is pay for shipping. Kristy will be back for one more episode.
Our topic will be “How to reverse the negative momentum in your career.” So remember to subscribe and you will not miss any new episodes. If you are from Guyana, I hope you enjoyed this, Law of Attraction podcast, leave me a shout out in the comments.
