Tag Archives: intimacy

Unlocking the Healing Power of Sex and Sexuality

Sexuality often remains a taboo topic, shrouded in mystery and replete with stereotypes. However, beneath the layers of cultural narratives lies an immense potential for healing, personal growth, and intimate connection. In this riveting podcast episode, Life Coach Myrna Young and Dr. Liz Letford unveil insights into how sex can transcend mere physical gratification, becoming a tool for profound emotional healing and restoration of the, nervous system. By delving into the intertwined worlds of relationships, body awareness, and emotional responsiveness, this exploration reveals how truly transformative the act of sex can be when approached with vulnerability and consciousness.

Download the podcast here: 

https://pscrb.fm/rss/p/https://chrt.fm/track/897G7/https://prfx.byspotify.com/e/www.buzzsprout.com/1761155/14696882-sex-as-a-healing-modality-understanding-relationships-and-the-nervous-system.mp3?download=true

Key Takeaways on Sex and Sexuality:

  • Sexual Healing and Emotional Freedom: Understanding the deeper emotional currents within sexual experiences can lead to significant healing of past traumas and emotional blockages and promote sexuality.
  • Dynamic Relationship Roles: Men and women can benefit from exploring both giving and receiving roles in sex, breaking away from traditional power dynamics and discovering personal empowerment.
  • Body Church Movement: Dr. Liz Letford’s unique practice uses collective somatic experiences, such as movement and sound, to create coherence among diverse groups for systemic healing, unity and sexuality.

The Intersection of Sex and Emotional Well-being

A core theme that emerged from the discussion is the relationship between, sexual intimacy, and emotional well-being. Dr. Liz articulates a perspective where physical closeness serves as the doorway to not just pleasure, but also the space where one can confront and heal unresolved emotional conflicts. She describes how every sexual encounter acts as a stage, reflecting earlier life events that may have impacted one’s psyche, a process especially potent when memories tied to these emotions elude conscious awareness.

The interaction of sexuality  with emotional well-being underscores the raw potential that lies in our physical interactions to act as a conduit for catharsis.

Dr. Liz notes, “Our sexual nature, our erotic nature, is exquisitely designed to heal our emotional, our physical, and our spiritual bodies.

The healing is not just an abstract idea but has tangible effects, from soothing hormonal imbalances to aiding in recovery from emotional scars. The implications are vast, suggesting that by redefining sex as a mutual, emotionally-attuned experience, individuals can work through deeply entrenched issues and foster more harmonious relationships.

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Reshaping Power Dynamics in Sexuality

The dialogue seamlessly shifts to contemplate the energy dynamics within sexual relationships. The traditional script writes men as givers and women as receivers, but Dr. Liz challenges these norms by advocating for a fluid exchange where individuals can alternate roles. The notion presented is not to obliterate gender roles but to empower individuals to explore their sexuality and embrace both dimensions of giving and receiving power.

Quotes from Dr. Liz encapsulate this shift: “ultimately power […] everyone deserves to taste what that tastes like.” By acquainting oneself with differing polarities of power, a person can unlock a more versatile form of expression and connection. Embracing one’s full spectrum of capabilities creates room for a more fulfilling and equitable intimate interaction. Men learning to hold space for potent, feminine energy, and women discovering their own assertive power can reinvigorate the foundations of personal and partnership growth.

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Stepping into Sexual power as a Dominatrix

When your body feels safe, that’s when your body opens up to its healing bliss. Its this bliss ecstatic state, which we’ve called orgasm. And so if you are receiving only because you’ve been told that, because you said society told you to do that because you’re afraid.

If you’ve never expressed what it’s like to give, to penetrate, to take, and all of the expressions of that penetrative energy, your system has the potential to be out of balance. And so I teach this, I have something called dragon school, where I teach women how to step into their power, their containment. What we’ve traditionally associated with the men is giving, penetrating, holding. And so I went to dominatrix school and trained as a dominatrix.

I don’t necessarily need to use pain, or deep penetration, put pleasure where the pain is. So I don’t really identify as a dominatrix, but it’s the closest thing that people can associate with what I do. So I teach women how to step into their dragon archetype, their protector. They’re badass. And it’s really so healing. So just by embodying these other energies, we are able to express the thing that we’ve been told is not nice to be expressed, or, shame on you, or.

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Collective Healing Through the Body Church Movement

Dr. Liz introduces a communal aspect of healing rites through the, Body Church movement. Blending physical movement, sound, and storytelling within an intentionally diverse group setting offers a profoundly inclusive platform for societal healing. Moments in the conversation shed light on the idea that sharing and witnessing each other’s emotional journeys can foster understanding and empathy across historical divides such as race, gender and sexuaity.

This practice pushes the boundaries of individual healing into the realm of collective catharsis. It suggests that to address the societal fractures, an embodied approach that taps into the resonance of human connection is key. As Dr. Liz remarks, “It’s vibrating the body and entraining the body to a different frequency.” This notion of communal vibration shifts the focus from isolated experiences to shared human truths, potentially bridging gaps of misunderstanding and opening pathways to societal reconciliation.

Transform Your Mind Podnews
Transform Your Mind Podnews

Unveiling the Transformative Implications of Sex and Sexuality

Throughout the transformative dialogue between Myrna Young and Dr. Liz Letchford, it becomes abundantly clear that sex is more than an act; it is an interplay of energies, a canvas for emotional expression, and a pathway toward personal and communal fulfillment. The exploration transcends conventional understanding, positioning sex as a platform for healing past wounds, rebalancing power within relationships, and even serving as a community ritual for collective healing. This forward-thinking approach reimagines intimacy, encourages individuals to step into their full expressive potential, and fosters a more connected and empathetic society, stirring the vibrations of change through the shared rhythm of our bodies.

Additional Resources

Tantric Sex: How to Use Tantra Energy during Sex

Why He Chooses You And You Don’t Choose Him

Relationship coach Andre Paradis joins host Myrna Young to discuss the topic of, why he chooses, and why women often struggle to choose the right partner. Andre explains that men are becoming more hesitant to enter into relationships due to the changing dynamics and expectations placed on them. He emphasizes the importance of understanding the natural dance between masculine and feminine energies and how women can tap into their femininity to attract the right partner. Andre offers valuable insights and advice for both single individuals and those in committed relationships.

Download the podcast here:

https://pscrb.fm/rss/p/https://chrt.fm/track/897G7/https://prfx.byspotify.com/e/www.buzzsprout.com/1761155/14470606-why-men-choose-women-and-why-women-shouldn-t-chase-men.mp3?download=true

Introduction

In this thought-provoking episode, Host Myrna Young and, dating coach, Andre Paradis, delve into the fascinating world of relationships. Drawing from Andre’s experiences as a relationship coach, we explore the reasons, why he chooses you, as many women find themselves alone on, Valentine’s Day. Andre sheds light on the dynamics of modern relationships and offers valuable insights into, why he chooses you,  and why women should avoid approaching men. By understanding the natural dance between masculinity and femininity, we can create and maintain successful relationships.

Andre gives a potent example to illustrate the masculine and feminine. He says the sperm is the mover and the egg just sits and waits. So ladies, please wait for the man to approach you. Men need to hunt and when you approach them you just get introduced to the little guy.

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Key Takeaways

  • Men are increasingly choosing to be alone due to the challenges of finding value in relationships with women in a culture that promotes independence and boss babe mentalities.
  • The process of a man choosing a woman is not based on intellectual decisions or a checklist, but rather on feelings and chemistry.
  • Intimacy starts with vulnerability and being present in the moment, allowing the natural dynamic between masculine and feminine energies to unfold.

The Number One Reason Men and Women Are Alone on Valentine’s Day

In today’s society, men are finding it increasingly difficult to find value in relationships with women. The rise of the boss babe mentality and the push for independence have created a culture where men are expected to follow a woman’s lead and be 50/50 partners. However, this goes against the natural instincts of men, who are wired to provide, protect, and cherish women. The cultural shift towards masculine qualities in women has made it challenging for men to connect and form meaningful relationships.

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Why He Chooses You

Why he chooses you. The process of a man choosing a woman is not based on intellectual decisions or a checklist. It is driven by feelings and chemistry. Men respond to a woman’s energy and presence, and they are instantly drawn to feminine qualities such as warmth, receptiveness, and vulnerability. When a woman takes the lead and approaches a man, it disrupts the natural dynamic and can be a turnoff for men. It is important for women to allow men to take the lead and be receptive to their advances.

Dating advice: On the First date expect it to be akward. Don’t make a decision on the man before the 3rd date. Andre says the woman brings the energy so ladies remember to smile and be laid back.  Do not conduct the date like a job interview. It is a turnoff. Even is you are fine and have all the qualities a man is looking for he will say she of okay BUT. You don’t want to be a BUT.

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The Importance of Intimacy in Relationships

Intimacy is a crucial aspect of any successful relationship. It is the deep connection and emotional closeness that allows two individuals to truly understand and support each other. Intimacy starts with vulnerability, which is often initiated by the, feminine energy, in the relationship. When a woman opens up and shares her fears, insecurities, and desires, it creates a safe space for the man to do the same. This vulnerability fosters trust and deepens the emotional bond between partners.

For example, if you are nervous on the first date and worried you will say the wrong thing sharing this with your date shows vulnerability and starts intimacy. He may even share that he is nervous as well.

Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM
Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM

Why he chooses you: The feminine woman

Women are showing up saying he’s got to meet me up here.  Ladies it’s not working, this is not what attracts a man,  this does not make you attractive; you know sexy, magnetic warm.  It has the exact opposite effect.  Why he chooses you, is because he appreciates a feminine woman. Those masculine qualities that you so encouraged to have by society, results in men actually skipping men away.  Masculine men, are not interested in, masculine women.  It’s very simple hunters don’t date hunters.

What I mean as a rule so keep that in mind. It’s nature in action.  The more masculine the woman, the more, Boss Babe, and you go- girl, the more the man goes his way.  Boss Babe  it’s beautiful for work and making money,  but the masculine men won’t stand for it.  They will literally just avoid you like the plague.

There is a lot of conversation around why women are so masculine in this era, and I don’t want to you don’t want to get sidetracked on this, but I’m just going to make this comment.  Women are stating their demands, you’re right and the men, they’re running from that because they don’t want a woman that’s telling them what to do.  So what makes a, man choose a woman, because that’s basically where we’re going with this conversation.

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Why Men Choose Women

Why  he chooses you? Men respond to women’s energy and presence. A, feminine woman, is a woman who’s receptive, who is magnetic, who’s warm, who’s inviting, who’s happy, joyful in her body in that moment.  That feminine energy brings us straight out of our heads and brings us completely present to you.  Men can’t think in the presence of the magnetic warm energy of a woman.

We caught up in the eyes and the smile and the way she’s speaking, all the little mannerism and the man be like I can’t think in the presence of feminine woman.  This is why the man need femininity, because it takes us out of our heads, brings us present in our bodies.  This is how and, why a man chooses a woman. He knows right away because his body responds to her energy.

Conclusion

Understanding the dynamics of relationships and the dance between masculine and feminine energies is essential for creating and maintaining successful partnerships. By embracing femininity and allowing men to take the lead, women can attract and build meaningful connections with high-value men. Intimacy, rooted in vulnerability and emotional closeness, is the foundation of a strong and fulfilling relationship. So, this Valentine’s Day, let’s embrace our natural energies and create the love and connection we desire.

Remember, relationships are not a one-size-fits-all formula. Each individual and partnership is unique, and it is important to find what works best for you. By seeking guidance from relationship experts like Andre Paradis, you can gain valuable insights and tools to navigate the complexities of modern relationships.

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Additional Resources

What Men Want In A Woman

The Effects of Criticism in Marriages

The number one thing that ruins a, marital relationship, or any committed relationship is, criticism. Try not to do it to anyone, your kids, your spouse, your friends, or your customers.  Noone wants to be criticized, because they think that they are doing what is right. Instead state how something makes you feel. Voice your complaint by stating how it affects you and do not assassinate the character of the other person.

Download the podcast here 

https://pdcn.co/e/https://chrt.fm/track/897G7/www.buzzsprout.com/1761155/11320752-why-criticism-kills-marriages.mp3?download=true

Why Criticism kills marriages

We have all heard that men want respect and women are emotional creatures, needing love and affection. So, that means if a man wants to improve his, marital relationship, he needs to show his wife love and affection and if a woman wants to improve her marriage, she must show respect, right? So why does, criticism, kill marriages?

You are probably saying to yourself, that is some messed up advice.  By wait here is the reason.

Studies show that no one ever does anything they feel is wrong, so it does you no good to point it out.

The verb in the sentence is the important word. Feel.
Put another way, whatever we perceive is our reality.
99.9 percent of men and women can justify to themselves or anyone who would listen, any action or none action, they have taken.

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Podbay FM
Two-Gun Crowley a kind killer

On May 7 1931 New York City witnessed the most sensational manhunt the city had ever known to this point. After weeks on the loose “Two-Gun” Crowley, the killer, was trapped in an apartment on West End Avenue.

One hundred and fifty police officers and detectives laid siege to his top floor hideaway. For hours the residential sections reverberated with the rat-tat-tat of gun fire from the police and Two-Gun Crowley.

While Crowley lay bleeding from his gunshot wounds, he penned a note that read “To whom it may concern. Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one, one that would do nobody no harm”
If you had never heard this story before, you may be thinking that the police had the wrong man; but no. Crowley was the same man who was necking with his girl on a country road on Long Island when a police officer walked up to the parked car and asked him to show his license.

Without saying a word, Crowley drew his gun and cut the police officer down with a shower of bullets. As the officer lay dying on the ground, he jumped out of the car grabbed the officer’s gun and fired another round of bullets into the prostrate body. That was the killer who wrote “under my coat is a weary, but kind heart. One that would do nobody any harm.”

Transform Your Mind podcast curiocaster podcast
curiocaster podcast
We all see ourselves differently from others.

This is an extreme story, but I have experienced many people like Crowley in my own experience; from kids who steal, to spouses who cheat, to murderers who kill, nobody feels they have done anything wrong. So don’t bother pointing it out to them expecting them to feel guilt. This goes a long way to, improve your marital relationships.

Even if they admit to wrongdoing, someone made them do it, they find some way to justify their actions. This phenomenon is glaringly evident on death row. Most of the prisoners on death row feel they have been victimized regardless of how heinous the crime. They are all innocent.

The #1 thing women can do to improve their relationships, is Don’t criticize!

Criticism, does no good. It does nothing.
Criticism, is futile, because it puts a man on the defensive, wounds his pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment, so don’t bother.
Instead make yourself perfect. The only person you can change is you anyway.
Jesus taught us this when he said “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? No one is perfect.

That is not to say that your brother has no speck or has done no wrong, but we are only responsible for what we do. We have no power to control others. And, criticism, does nothing to, improve, marital relationships.

RadioPublic Transform your mind
RadioPublic Transform your mind

What exactly is criticism?

Couples often have a difficult time distinguishing between, criticism, and voicing a complaint. Criticism, can have devastating effects because it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. Couples fear that if they agree to stop, criticism, they won’t be able to have a conversation about failed agreements or promises.

For example, let’s say your partner throws his/her clothes and towels on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper. If you attack your partner by saying, “why are you so nasty? You have this place in a mess. You never clean-up after yourself,” that is, criticism. If instead you say, I would really appreciate it if you would put your clothes in the hamper, that is voicing a complaint.

Criticism, is an attack on your partner’s character. Calling your partner nasty or pointing out negative personality flaws is, criticism, because you are criticizing your partner as a whole person. In contrast, if you voice a complaint, and focus on specific action or behavior, and ask for a different action or behavior, that is different from, criticism.

Let’s look at another example. Women are always complaining about quality time and no affection from their man.  If you say “You are not marriage material, you don’t know how to love a woman” That is criticism, if you say instead “I love your hands around me, I could use a hug,” that is saying the same thing in a different way. So, when I say don’t criticize, I don’t mean become deaf and mute. It is always better to communicate how you feel.

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Transform Your Mind Podverse.fm

Criticism affects intimacy

One might think that the last person we’d want to say hurtful things to would be your marriage partner, the one you love. When we criticize it affects, Intimacy, because the wounded partner wants nothing to do with you. We are hard wired to focus on negative aspects instead of the positive aspects of our partners. We would focus on the clothes all over the floor and a filthy bathroom sink and not on the fact that our husband worked a full week, paid all the bills and rubbed our feet.

This is called a “negative bias”. Our brain is built to automatically place more weight on unpleasant news or nastiness. That is why the news is so negative, it sells more papers or gets more ratings.  Negative bias, kicks in automatically at the earliest stages of processing information. As a result, our attitudes are more heavily influenced by downbeat news than good news. That is why the constant, criticism, by a spouse tips the balance of a relationship from mundane to miserable?

The bible says “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” It clearly states that it is better to live on the roof than with a nagging wife and most husbands experiencing this situation would agree.

Listen Notes Transform Your Mind
Listen Notes Transform Your Mind

How to protect yourself from criticism

“How does a person survive constant, criticism, in a, marriage relationship?

People adapt to a partner’s constant, criticism, by employing various survival tactics, such as:

Self-protection

If the woman is critical, then the man goes into his man cave. It could be a physical room, or he withdraws and stops communication. If the man is the critical one the woman also withdraws, and her self-esteem is deflated. Some develop an intensely defensive personality to shield themselves from the harsh lash of the critical partner. Others hide their “authentic selves” as a protective mechanism, letting out only the part stamped “partner approved”. They become a pleaser. They may feel the need to shrink their personality to avoid criticism which can result in loss of self.

Distancing.

To fend off, criticism, in a, marriage relationship, a partner surrounds him/herself with a safe buffer zone from which he/she responds politely as if from afar. Friends, work, children, exercise, social media, television, books, and newspapers can serve as buffers. We all know the spouse who is never home, always finds things to do outside the home.  That is distancing.

Withdrawal

A criticized partner withdraws and becomes emotionally unavailable. He/she preserves the “self” by building a wall to keep the critical partner away. He/she refuses to engage or react when criticized. Instead, he/she takes it and most likely adds another brick in the wall of resentment each time they are attacked, belittled, or berated.

Substance Abuse

Another common reaction to, criticism, in a, marital relationship, is, substance abuse. To survive emotionally, the criticized partner numbs the pain of engaging with his/her partner. Substance abuse, as a, coping mechanism, usually leads to further deterioration of the, marital relationship, as well as a host of other serious problems.

How to stop yourself from criticizing your partner

If you feel the impulse to criticize here are a few tips to stop yourself

  • Count to 10. Breathe, bite your tongue, wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it each time you feel the impulse to, criticize.
  • Do whatever it takes to do to stop finding fault, belittling, reproaching, nit-picking, cutting down, or chastising your partner.
  • Decide the kind of person you want to be and how you want to show up in your relationship.
  • Work at accepting your partner, even his/her annoying traits, harmless bad habits, quirks, and idiosyncrasies.
  • Resign yourself to the fact that you will not change your partner. I repeat: Criticism, will not change your partner.
Podmust Transform Your Mind podcast
Podmust Transform Your Mind podcast

The Effects of Criticism on Relationships

Here is some research on the, effects of criticism on relationships.

Here is a marriage story

Dr Julie said she had the good pleasure of counseling a woman who simply had to be the world’s greatest criticizer. I have to admit that I was in awe at her absolute hard-core ability to criticize. I can remember sitting back and thinking, “Wow, this lady could win some kind of award – she is amazing!” Her husband was a pot smoker and there was nothing good she could say about him – from the way he chewed his food, to his driving, or the way he snored at night. I counselled her to change her criticism to requests. In time she became one of the world’s greatest requesters.

One Mother’s Day (instead of criticizing) she composed a Wish List for her husband. It started with something like this – “Dear Husband, if you would like to have an immensely happy wife this Mother’s Day you can do so by getting me one of the following…” She listed about eight items each with a box to check next to the items she desired. Much to her surprise she received several things off the list (not just one!). She promptly rewarded her husband by telling him how happy she was and gave him a huge, heartfelt hug. Her husband began to learn that he could actually make his wife happy. This took a long time because he had come to believe that there was nothing that he could say or do that would ever please her.

So, what happened with this, marriage? In spite of the fact that she became an excellent requester, her husband would not give up his pot and she really struggled with staying married to him. She was lonely and the kids had an absent father. After much debate and prayer, she decided to stay. She would love this man with his addiction. Years later her husband’s heart was won over to Christ and he stopped, smoking pot. The world’s greatest criticizer became the world’s most grateful wife. That is why you must give it to God.  Only God can change man.

Drs. John & Julie Gottman are therapists who have done the most research on the, effects of criticism on relationships. The two are famous for their “love lab,” in which hundreds of couples were screened, interviewed and observed over the course of two decades. As a result of their research the Gottman’s could predict in less than five minutes, with 90 percent accuracy, if a couple was going to stay together or divorce.

They came up with a metaphor to describe four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. They termed them “The Four Horsemen” — a phrase coined after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the New Testament, depicting the end of time.

  1. Criticism
  2. Contempt
  3. Defensiveness
  4. Stonewalling

Criticism leads to contempt

The main problem with, criticism, is that it can pave the way for the worst of the horsemen — contempt.

Contempt, is about holding your partner in a negative light without giving them the benefit of the doubt. The contemptuous partner is usually attacking from a place of superiority. This can send their partner the message that they are not liked, appreciated, understood or respected. This does little to create a safe, secure and trusting bond in the relationship.

Treating your partner with, contempt, is the single greatest predictor of divorce, according to Dr. Gottman’s work. It is by far the most destructive of the, four communication styles.

Contempt, and relentless, criticism, put a couple at war with each other. This is the opposite of the couple bubble. Smart partners who want to create a strong and happy relationship need to do all that they can to preserve and foster a strong couple bubble.

In this model, criticism, is seen as part of what’s called “the negative cycle.” The negative cycle is an interaction cycle between two people that, when left unchecked, can create an enormous amount of distance and disconnection in a relationship.

All relationships have some conflict and disappointments. This is actually healthy. Conflicts and disappointments don’t have to destroy a relationship. It is how the couple handles them that matters.

You should never marry or move in with someone until you have had your first fight.  It is important to know how someone fights. Do they call you nasty names when you fight? Do you hit below the belt by throwing in your face things they know that hurt you? Do they refuse to engage and walk away? Or do you sit down and talk it out everyone voicing their opinion and having a fair hearing?

Conclusion

So, let’s circle back to our topic. The number one thing that ruins a marital relationship or any committed relationship is, criticism. Try not to do it to anyone, your kids, your spouse, your friends, your customers.  Noone wants to be criticized, because they think that they are doing what is right. Instead state how something makes you feel. Voice your complaint by stating how it affects you and do not assassinate the character of the other person.

Thanks to tuning into this week’s episode of Transformation Friday, I appreciate your time and hope I deliver value.  Until next time Namaste

Additional Resources 

In a Unhealthy Relationship? Should you Stay or Go.

Help Me Makeover My Marriage: Communication

Help me, makeover my marriage, improve intimacy, find personal time and communicate better with my, husband. Communication,  is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors,  say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”

Welcome to the premiere episode of, Help Me Makeover My Marriage. Today we are going to talk about, communication, in a  marriage. 

I’m your host Life coach Myrna Young, my guest today is Michele Brunson and together we want to share our experiences in our, marriages, to help you, makeover my marriage. 

Listen to the full Episode Here:

I can be called the Marrying Woman

I have been married four times so you can call me a, marrying woman, for a total of 30 years.  Michele has been married for 25 years. Her husband died last year, we give her our condolences. 

We want to  help you to with your, marriage makeover. A lot of times when things are not going right in our, marriage, or our, relationships, we always feel that the grass is greener on the other side, so we think I’m going to be able to find someone better, but I’ll tell you,

 “The grass is never greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it.” 

 

Wherever you put your attention on, wherever you put your focus on is definitely what’s going to grow. So Michelle and I will give you, marriage advice,  and strategies to help you to, makeover my marriage. 

Treat your husband according to knowledge

The reason we’re saying that, you need to be the change you seek, is because I’ve always remembered what my Pastor Tony said to me years ago, maybe about 20 years ago. A lot of times we don’t use knowledge and knowledge is never useful until used. Pastor Tony said to me. “Whenever I go to God, I never ask him to change my, wife, I ask him to change me.”  

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The reason that’s important is because like me and most of you, we’re always blaming our, husbands, or our partners for whatever is wrong in our, relationships. I am in my fourth, marriage,  now as I said before and I came into this, marriage, with all kinds of expectations. 

I was in my 40’s when I got, married, this last time, so I had a lot of stuff that came with me. 

  1. Baggage and expectations and I brought it all into my, marriage, and we started having all the same problems again because you are the common denominator if you have multiple, marriages, and everything  follows you. 

When I decided to change ME my, marriage, started getting better.  This was 20 years after I heard that advice, a lot of times we have knowledge and we don’t actually use it. My current teacher,  Pastor Glover would say

“treat your, husband, like he’s your king and love him the way you want to be loved.” 

So that’s what I did and a remarkable thing happened!  I found out that I enjoyed serving my, husband,  I enjoyed treating my, husband, like my king and our relationship started to mend, because I was no longer pointing fingers.  I was no longer you not talking to him because of something he wasn’t doing. 

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So, in this episode and subsequent episodes we’re going to give you information on how to change YOU,  because it all starts with you. 

In this first segment of “Help Me Makeover My Marriage,” we’re going to do a question and answer, later segments we’ll have guests come on the show. Today we are gonna start with questions that was sent into us from my  Facebook group called Lifecoach 

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Transform Your Mind Podcast Player FM

Help me Makeover my Marriage and get Intimacy Back

Our first question comes from Debbie in Miami, Florida.  Debbie writes:

I’ve been married for 12 years my, husband,  and I have two children ages 7 and 10. I immersed myself in the role of mother and, wife, as a, stay-at-home mom, while my, husband, worked full-time and saw his role as the provider. 

As a, stay-at-home mom, I rarely took time for myself and began to resent my, husband, for not helping with the kids and not paying me any attention. Our, intimacy, suffered and my resentment built up.  I even started looking outside the, marriage, for fulfillment. 

Debbie’s asks, Help me, makeover my marriage, and recapture, intimacy

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Myrna – Debbie I had a similar experience with my second, husband, and my, marriage, ended

because I built up resentment and never communicated  this to my, husband. The situation was reversed. I was the breadwinner making most of the money and he sat around doing nothing because he told me that housework and looking after the kids was women’s work. 

So, here I was paying all the bills and I was being treated like the maid. I built up resentment and that, marriage, eventually ended, but now I know better.  Again knowledge is only powerful when you use it. Now I know that what Debbie should do is to ask for help. She should say to her, husband. 

“Babe I know that you work all day and you’re the provider for this family and we made this contract that I’m going to be a, stay-at-home mom, but I need a break. Can you help out?”

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I need you to help around the house. I need you to help with the kids, because being a mom is a full-time job. He goes to work from nine to five and then he’s off, but a mom is always on the job, it’s a full-time job. Maybe also get a babysitter for kids every two weeks or something and have date night so, that you guys can be together without the kids and recapture, intimacy. 

So my advice to you would be to Help, makeover my marriage, is: 

  • First of all ask for what you want 
  • And second, make the time to do your part. 

If you have the, intention, that you are gonna love your, husband, and you’re gonna appreciate him for being the breadwinner, because that’s what he is, and you show him appreciation, he will give you back love.  

Michelle what would you say to Debbie from your experience? Mitchell is actually an Intercessor, so maybe you can bring in a biblical touch or scripture from the bible that can help Debbie, makeover my marriage. 

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Michele – Myrna I want to thank you for having me on your show.  My advice to Debbie to help her, makeover my marriage, would first off be pray for your, husband, first because most, wives, don’t start there. Pray for your, husband, because God is his creator and he will change any situation concerning your, husband, and if your, husband, is providing for the family no, husband, wants to come home after fighting all day at work and have to fight with his, wife. 

So, the first thing that she needs to do is have peace in her home, if her, husband, is  providing and it’s for a season, because like you said y’all in this contract together and you chose to be a, stay-at-home mom. 

Another, marriage advice, would be to have a schedule because some women don’t know how to have a schedule. Monday you might do one thing, Tuesday something else. Don’t try to do everything all at once, that’s how you get overwhelmed and burnt out. 

If you feel mis-valued in your, marriage, you should have, communication, with your, husband, about it. You should value one another, you value him as your king.  Once you start with valuing your, husband, and appreciating him for who he is. He’s going out there making it happen every day and providing for you and the kids, you should make him feel comfortable in his own home. 

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Marriage Makeover Wives become a Woman of Noble Character

As, wives, we create the atmosphere in the home. I would have her reflect on Proverbs 31:

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

11. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

12. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

13. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

14. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.

15. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

16. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

18. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

19. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

21. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

22. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

23. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

24. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

26. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

29. Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”  

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Help me Makeover My Marriage Self-care

Myrna – That’s what we fail to do sometimes as women, we forget to take care of ourselves.  Self-care, is very important and that’s what she’s lacking, because she’s so consumed with looking after the kids she’s not doing, self-care.  Self-care, also leads to, intimacy, because if you look good you’re going to feel good and your, husband, is going to feel that, sexual energy. 

What advice do you give Debbie for re-establishing, intimacy,  with her husband? 

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I have always scheduled personal time with my husband, even when we go on vacations. 

One time we take the kids and one time we go alone. Women do not understand that they need personal time alone with their spouse without the kids to keep, intimacy, alive. 

Help me Makeover My Marriage Personal Time

Michele – I would get up before everybody else in the house got up for my, personal time, of  prayer because that really set up my entire day. Once you pray and set the environment, your day will be less stressful. 

Myrna – That’s good, marriage advice, a lot of women take time for, self-care, at the end of the night when the kids are in bed. 

Before we go to the next question let’s circle back to reiterate that, wives, got to appreciate their, husbands, for what he does for the family.  In this case Debbie need to show appreciation for her, husband, as the breadwinner. 

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Makeover My Marriage – Intimacy

Our next question for Help me, makeover my marriage, comes from Hollis in Atlanta, Georgia.  Hollis writes I have been married for 10 years,  my, husband,  and I have a good, marriage, not great because he does not like to talk.  The slightest disagreement sends him into his, man cave, and I can’t reach him or get him to talk, Help me, makeover my marriage, and improve my, communication, with my, husband. 

Help me Makeover My Marriage: Communication

Like I said earlier the, marriage advice, that I’m giving is, marriage tips, that I can pull from my personal, marriage, experience. Right now I’m married to a man who does not like to talk and i like to talk. So normally I would lead the conversation and he would sit there and listen, then I would say you know conversation is a dialogue and he would say I’m listening to you. 

But recently I changed that model. I just finished reading the book “What Happened to You” By Oprah Winfrey and Dr Perry.  Dr Perry was explaining why kids who experienced trauma don’t talk. 

Dr Perry discovered that not even trained therapists can get these kids to talk until they are ready.  You just have to give them time and space. Sometimes it means sitting or doing projects in total silence.  When they are ready to talk, they will talk. 

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So I used that information and now when I sit with my husband,  I just let there be space and whenever he’s ready to talk then he will talk. It’s very uncomfortable for me because I like to talk.  But I did and so far this approach is working. We have had some good conversations from this approach.  

Communication,  is very important in a, marriage, because you have to communicate to fix problems. It is a man thing, they all shut down and go into their, man cave. In fact, marriage counselors,  say that the worst thing you can say to a man is “we need to talk”

Help me Makeover My Marriage and get my Husband out of his Man Cave

Michelle what was your experience with your, husband,  with, communication. Did he go in to a , man cave? 

Michelle –  First of all, we all have different temperaments and personalities,  my, husband, was more of a, phlegmatic. Phlegmatics have an unemotional and stolidly calm disposition.

So he was a laid-back, easygoing type of guy. 

It’s been said that a woman speaks a thousand more words than the man so, I would just find something that interests him to talk about.  Most men don’t analyze things the way we do and they’re not as emotional as we are. We like to talk about everything and they don’t always understand why we need to always be talking.

Myrna – So let’s say that you wanted to talk to your, husband, about quality time, for example, or something that’s going on in your, relationship,  did you start the conversation talking to him about something he likes to talk about and then kind of steer the conversation to quality time? 

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Michelle –  Our quality time was watching TV together or shopping for groceries. 

Myrna – Okay I was just using quality time as a placeholder for any conversation you want to have with your husband that was important. 

For example, once in a while I would  want to talk to my, husband, about where our, marriage, is going or where we see ourselves in 10 to 15 years from now, or something like that. 

I am a Life coach right and I want to steer the conversation in that direction my, husband, would push back and say you’re not my coach!

So getting back to Hollis’s question. What advice would you give to move her, husband, out of his, man cave, and get him to open up? 

Husbands need to process things longer than Wives

Michelle – I would tell her that men have to process things, so I would give him time. 

If they had a conflict or something, men and women process differently.  Wives, want an answer right then while, husbands, might take a day or two to process before they want to discuss the situation. 

Myrna – I like that answer, give them time to process.  I would add give them space to process.  Don’t go into their, man cave, and harass them.  Let them be until they are ready to come out. 

In the meantime don’t withhold love or affection. 

Even though we’re not talking about a physical, man cave, even though some men have a physical space they hide out in, we are talking about going into the mental, man cave.  

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Conclusion Help me Makeover My Marriage 

In this premier episode of, Help me, makeover my marriage, we had a couple of questions and even though they might look different, they’re both dealing with, communication, in your, marriage. 

Debbie didn’t really communicate with her, husband, that she needed help around the house or that she needed him to pay her some attention,  she just built up animosity that he wasn’t doing these things. 

Hollis wanted some information on, communication, with her husband once he’s in his, man cave. What to do either to get him out of the, man cave, or prevent him from going into the, man cave. So, communication, is very important, marriage counselors, say that it is the top reason couples get divorced. 

I started off the segment talking about what we can as, wives, to change instead of asking God to change our, husbands. We need to learn to deal with our, husbands, according to knowledge.  If we know they don’t like to talk, then we should not push the issue.  Like I learned from Dr Perry, let them talk when they are ready. Even if they don’t want to talk they have ears to listen. 

Remember to ask for what you want.  If you need help around the house, ask for help.  If you need affection, ask for it. 

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TuneIn Radio

When you don’t ask for want you want or communicate your desires, then resentment builds up and the energy in the house changes. You can feel tension. If you have the intention to have peace in your home and to love and appreciate your, husband, he will feel that energy and your home will be peaceful and full of love. 

Thanks for reading this blog, listening or watching to the premier episode of “Help me make over my marriage”  I will post and air an episode once per month, please subscribe to the Transform Your Mind To Transform your Life podcast to get all new episodes in your inbox. 

Until next time Live Life to the Fullest. 

Additional Resources

The Best Marriage Advice for Wives to Fix a Broken Marriage

 

The Best Marriage Advice for Wives to Fix a Broken Marriage

Can you fix a broken marriage? Laura Doyle best selling author of the Surrendered Wife and the Empowered Wife gives us , marriage advice, on how to get your, husband’s, attention and affection.

My guest today is New York Times best-selling author Laura Doyle.  Laura is the author of “The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets For Attracting Your Husband’s Time Attention and Affection” she’s also a relationship coach and a podcaster.

If you’re in any kind of situation right now where you’re needing some tips to get through a, bad marriage, and need some, marriage advice, This is the episode for you.  Be sure to download and listen to the full audio interview, because I’m understanding the pandemic has put a lot of strain on some, marriages.  We’re going to be giving you, marriage advice, to get you over the hump.

Download full Interview Here:

Secrets For Attracting Your Husband’s Attention Introduction

You know, marriages, are always an, ebb and flow, so if you’re in the ebb right now, we want to offer, marriage advice, help you out.

New York Times Bestselling Author Laura Doyle was the perfect wife…until she got married. When she told her husband how to be tidier, more romantic, and more ambitious, he avoided her. So, she dragged him to, marriage counseling, and nearly divorced him.

Laura’s mission today is to offer, marriage advice, to end world, divorce. She is the founder of the international relationship coach training school Laura Doyle Connect, the star of Empowered Wives on Amazon Prime, the Creator of The Ridiculously Happy Wife program, the host of The Empowered Wife Podcast and she has appeared on The Today Show, Good Morning America and The View.

She has given, marriage advice, to over 15,000 women fix their, relationships–even the hopeless ones– without their husband’s effort. But the thing that Laura is most proud of is her gratifying 31-year marriage with her hilarious husband John, who she says has been dressing himself since before she was born.

The Empowered Wife

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Can a wife fix her broken marriage?

Myrna – Let’s dive right in.  One of the first questions about, marriage advice,  I want to ask you is. How can a, wife, single-handedly bring a boring or broken, marriage, back to life?

Laura – There was a time when I would have been like Hell no, she can’t, because I had been trying myself for years with no success. I read all the books, got tons of, marriage advice, and I did what they said.  I dragged my, husband, to, marriage counseling, because I thought well then the, marriage counselor, can fix him and then I will finally be happy!

I told myself, I think that is how it works.  I am pretty sure how it works! Of course it didn’t work at all.  My, husband, and I were having wall-to-wall hostility and cold wars at my house, which is where there’s no talking for days and it’s just uncomfortable and tense.

You’re kind of avoiding each other and it was very painful and lonely. I wanted to have a great relationship with my, husband, so bad, but it just eluded me. I had thought that he was a great guy when I married him, but this is seven, eight, nine years in and I thought I married the wrong guy.  In fact, we went to, marriage counseling, for like over a year and spent nine thousand dollars and nothing changed. I remember I was sitting on the, marriage counselors, gray couch when I realized my, marriage, was not gonna work.  I’m gonna have to get divorced.  My, husband, is never going to change. I’m either going to spend the rest of my life in a, loveless marriage, or else I’m going to have to just move on.

What Marriage advice would you give: Should a wife stay or go?

I decided I would get a, divorce, but, there was just one problem, I was too embarrassed to get a, divorce, because all my relatives and friends had been to the wedding and I didn’t want them to know that we were struggling.  We would show up at parties after we’d had a big blow up in the car and put on the fake face.

So, I started doing research. I’d been a journalism major in school so, I thought I’m going to get, marriage advice, from other, wives, who have a, happy marriage, for at least at least 15 years; because that seemed like a really long time to be married to me at the time!

I’m going to ask them for, marriage advice, and what their secrets are and then whatever they say, I’m going to do. I’ll just experiment with it and if it works great,  I’ll keep it and if it doesn’t work,  I’m going to throw it out.

These married women gave me, marriage advice,  I didn’t even understand.  It didn’t make sense to me.  I thought they were going to say “You have to pick the right man” but they didn’t. They said things like:

  • I try never to criticize my husband no matter how much it seems like he deserves it.
  • I was like, you got anything else?

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Transform Your Mind Podcast Addict

Marriage Advise #1 to have a happy marriage

I was desperate enough to start doing some of the things these, wives, suggested. I remember it was not that long afterwards that I came through the front door from work or somewhere and when my, husband, saw me, face lit up. He was happy to see me!

I thought to myself, something’s working, this is working!  I got really excited, I got very hopeful. But then not that long afterwards, we were driving down the street in the car and we had another blow up. I was so discouraged, I was hoping this wasn’t going to happen anymore, because now I knew what to do. It wasn’t that hard, it was just new.

Over time I got the, marriage, I always dreamed.  My, husband, went back to making bedroom eyes at me again.  He would just grab me at the waist, I’d be passing him in the hall, and he would just pull me in for a kiss! We were laughing together again and now 31 years later, I still get to enjoy my, husband.

Marriage Advice # 2 Make your Husband feel like a man

Myrna – It does feel like a miracle. It turns this is, how to fix a, broken marriage, by changing our behavior towards our, husbands. The first secret is to not criticize our, husband; instead, make your, husband, feel like a man.

Laura – I would say the first secret and , marriage advice, was shocking for me, and I really had a very hard time getting to this, because I think as a woman, I felt like I was doing all the work. I was paying all the bills and doing more housework and I was making more money.  We think, why should I do any more work?  I’m already doing all the work in this relationship.

A big secret in that most people don’t know it is that women are actually the keepers of the relationship.

I mistakenly thought that being angry was gonna make my, husband, see how he should shape up. I thought if I give him the silent treatment or yell at him or even if I’d sit down and nicely tell him all the things he was doing wrong, he will change!  It doesn’t work.

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Marriage Advice # 3 Express your desires

Now I’ve learned this little secret which is that if I just express my desires in a way that inspires, I get a completely different response. Eg. I would say “John I would love a clean kitchen right”  and the kitchen would be in the same shape that it always was when I would be complaining about it, but this time he would say, “okay I’ll clean it!

Myrna – That’s interesting that you didn’t ask a direct question. I heard that women always think that men are mind readers, and they don’t state their desires clearly, they always expect the men to read their minds.  Instead of saying this kitchen is a mess, instead ask for help, John can you help me clean the kitchen.

Laura – If you say “John can you help me with the kitchen” maybe that wouldn’t work either, because then it’s like a direct order and, husbands, don’t like orders from their, wives.

Myrna – You are correct. Yet, they say we are the  difficult ones!

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Marriage Advice #4 Don’t be the boss of your husband

Laura – It’s funny that you say that, because I think that’s a very common, marriage advice, that you hear. Ask for what you want, but you can come off like his boss or his mother.

Husbands, are not sexually attracted to their mothers.

 

Their mother probably used to say “take out the trash” or “put your dish in the sink.”

What are some of the intimacy skills you teach in your book?

Myrna – you also talk about six, intimacy skills. What are they?

Laura – The first, marriage advice, to get to, intimacy, is to bring down the boss-like attitude into softness. One of the best, intimacy skills,

that I was pretty excited to learn about was and this is the best, aphrodisiac, on the planet for men and it’s free and it works fast!  I got this from the other, wives, who were, happily married.

 

The best, aphrodisiac, on the planet for men is respect.  It is like oxygen for men.

 

I think when people hear, surrendered wife, they think subservient or obedient or whatever, that’s not me. I’m a feminist, I’m well educated, I don’t do obedient. My opinion counts, but I started to get a superiority complex. I would see my, husband, make a mistake and I’d be like I’m probably better at this. I better show him how to do things.

 

  • I better help him be more ambitious.
  • I better help him be more romantic.
  • I better help him learn how to load the dishwasher the right way.

Marriage advice # 5 do not disrespect your husband

Like these things are so important! I did not know I was so disrespectful.  I was helpful in, wife, language, but disrespectful in, husband, language.  So, one of the chief phrases that I use now is

“I apologize for being disrespectful when I criticized you just now.” and I stop.

 

That’s a key part of that cheat phrase, you have to just stop because otherwise if you just go explaining it kills it.

I don’t really want to be disrespectful.  I don’t want to be that nagging, controlling, shrewish wife who thinks she knows more than her, husband, or that she is better than her, husband. That, wife, is lonely.

Conclusion Empowered Wife

Myrna – Let’s talk about your book The Empowered Wife and where can we get it.

Laura – As I mentioned there’s six, intimacy skills, we only talked about 3 of them today. The book lists them all and it’s just so nice to have all the training right there laid out in front of you.  Which is all laid out in the Empowered Wife, but I have something really fun going on right now too that you can download for free on my website at www.lauradoyle.org.

It’s called the, Adored Wife, Road Map. This lays out the steps to becoming an, Adored Wife, which let’s face it, don’t we all want to feel like, Adored Wives? I also talk about the three mistakes that almost every, wife, seems to be making when they’re trying to get their, husband’s, attention or his affection.  You’re trying to make things more passionate; you just want him to spend some time with you, these mistakes will backfire on you.  In the map I talk about what to do instead.  So you can download that at www.lauradoyle.org.

Additional Resources

Does Love have a Color: The Interracial Marriage Experience