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Does Love have a Color: The Interracial Marriage Experience

Not until after we got married Kevin confided and shared with me a few situations where family members questioned his choices and wanted to ensure he understood the challenges that come with an, interracial marriage. Ericka Augutis

I want to invite you guys all to the table. We are going to be talking on the topic the, “The Color of love, interracial marriages, in America”   my guest today is Erica Augustus.

Listen to the interview

Interracial Marriage in America

Ericka and I became friends when we worked at Office Depot for about 10 years, and we have maintained our friendship.  I decided that I wanted to get into the conversation on, interracial marriages, in America because of what’s been happening in the world and specifically in the last month or so.

It’s a very difficult place for a, black woman, married to a, white man. I think it’s even a little bit more complicated when your partner or your spouse cannot understand a lot of the times your, black experience.   I was listening to a podcast a few weeks ago and this, black woman, was talking about her experience.

She was married for 13 years to a, white man, the marriage dissolved not because of racial differences or any kind of racial problems, but she said it contributed to it, because her husband never really got into the conversation.  If she would come home and say she was discriminated against at the office, he didn’t have a response or didn’t talk about it and then the host asked her the question.

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Interracial Marriage black man white woman
Interracial Marriage black man white woman

Can a, white man, love a, black woman, and still be a racist?

And her response was, “love has nothing to do with it”, now that piqued my interest and that’s the predominant reason that I wanted to get into this conversation, and have you guys all join in the conversation and discuss, the color of love.

Interracial Marriage Interview Highlights

    1. How did you and your husband meet?
    2. How Ericka and Kevin handled the stares from Black and White people in their, interracial marriage, when they walked down the street.
    3. What are her thoughts on Systemic racism, did her husband understand her experience as a, Black woman.
    4. Love has no color. How easy is it to love someone from a different race?
    5. How does she and her husband talk to her black sons regarding the police.
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My name is Ericka Augutis, my husband  Kevin and I have been married for 18 years 19 in November.  We do have two children. One is 14 and the other is 4.

We met about 22 years ago. He worked at a local Blockbuster in my neighborhood. He was a manager and anytime I would go into the store to look at videos, he would offer to help me.  Well that’s when our relationship started.  Finally we went on our first date and I have to say it was really awkward for both of us and I thought okay I’m never doing that again. He was super quiet there was very little conversation.  A few months went by and he called again, and asked for a second date and I was going to say no, but my mom chimed in and asked me to give him another chance.  I’m so glad I did that second date because we just had the best time.

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We dated to my dismay for nearly five years,  we were engaged twice. The first proposal I  accepted I was elated.  I was excited to say yes; but a few months later we went to a party with some of our friends and I realized some of the ladies didn’t even know I was engaged. Here I was super excited and some of his circle of friends didn’t know that were engaged. So, it really hit me hard.  I felt like okay I’m really pressuring him into this, interracial  marriage. So I called off the engagement.

After that we kind of went our separate ways for a few months and then we slowly started dating again. And I have to say both of us matured during that time of separation and he proposed a second time in restaurant. He got down on one knee in front of all these people and proposed me a second time. This time he was ready! We got married like a year later.

Myrna Young Did you think that he maybe didn’t want to tell his friends he was engaged because you were a, black woman?

Ericka Augutis No, I don’t think the fact that we were contemplating an, interracial marriage, had anything to do with it, or the, color of love, because I was in his circle of friends for four years. We all vacationed together so it wasn’t that. I just felt like he wasn’t ready and I was forcing him to get married.

Myrna Young I’m going to ask you not a question as a follow-up to that.  So all the time you guys dated, five years or so, you got engaged twice you didn’t see color?  The question today is there a, color of love?  Did any of your friends treated you differently? Or said  Ericka he’s white?  None of his friends says hey Kevin why do you want to marry a, black woman? Nothing?

Ericka Augutis Not until after we got married Kevin confided and shared with me a few situations where family, maybe one or two family members, questioned his choices and wanted to ensure he understood the challenges to come with an, interracial marriage.

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So yes, from my perspective it came later as well, being a successful, black woman,  my parents and other family members wanted to know why I was  dating someone that doesn’t look like me. I really had to kind of ask myself that question as well.  I realized it’s not as if I said to myself,  I’m going to find a Caucasian man and have this, interracial marriage. I fell in love with a white man.

Myrna Young Yea Love is color blind actually, Love is an Emotion, it’s a feeling and it doesn’t see color!

Ericka Augutis There were experiences and times where we had to deal with the looks and the stairs especially when we would go into places where everyone was a little older.  I would say during that time anyone that was over age of 65 would give us those looks on both sides. It’s not just the Caucasian folks, black folks as well.

Myrna Young Did you let the stares and looks bother you?

Ericka Augutis No, Kevin was always so confident and strong and it made me just feel like I had nothing to worry about. But there was this time just after we had our son Kevin Jr,  we were having dinner in this fancy restaurant and this gentleman,  I probably shouldn’t call him a gentleman. A white man,  came over to our table and he said to Kevin, Is this your son? My husband says yes, he says well I’m going to tell you I’m a doctor that’s not your son!

You got to be kidding me!

I am not kidding.  it was such a strange experience. I mean he just came over and I think his goal was just to disturb our night and really rock and test the foundations of our, interracial marriage. That was one experience that I’ll never forget.

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Author interview Transform Your Mind Podcast
Author interview Transform Your Mind Podcast

Myrna Young Okay but in your marriage of itself was there any kind of friction at all regarding race?  Was all the friction from outside people looking in and trying to disturb your harmony?  For instance as a, black woman, is it hard to go and talk to a partner that is outside your race about racism that’s been happening to you?  Because, it’s not their experience and they can’t understand it how a, black women, survive in the workplace for instance? As a, black woman, I have not been discriminated against a lot and especially growing up in Canada; but I know that if I was talking to a, black man, who had a white spouse, it would have been a totally different conversation. Because as a, black man, he would have been harassed by the police, he would have been discriminated at work, he would have experienced racism throughout his life. Racism that  his white spouse would not be able to understand or identify.

So, did any of those situations happen in your marriage where your husband couldn’t understand your black experience?

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Ericka Augutis I would say initially when we’re in the newlywed stage, there were a few situations, super minor things, nothing hardcore or anything like that; but I could tell there was an inequality in the situation.  When I  talked about it, he would always ask me why  I was so passionate? That was his word or way of saying, why are you so angry? It took me about three or four times of him saying that or using that phrase for me to get that he’s trying to ask me to express myself and make him understand.  Why was something so small making you angry?  So, once I understood what he was truly trying to say and ask me, we had a tough conversation on racism.

I explained to him  the history black people and the challenges I’ve experienced throughout my career being a, black woman.  I think in his career not everyone knows he’s married to a, black woman; so he would hear things people would say that were borderline racist and he would tell me he got it.

Myrna Young Not only did your husband not understand your black experience but as a, black woman, I didn’t understand my husband’s black experience either. My husband was a police officer and what upset him more than anything else was that he was going out there every night putting his life on the line and yet the white officers were racial against him.  Not just my husband; but they were racist against all the black officers in the department. There was no equality even when they could die together.  My husband would say we bleed the same blood, when we’re out there on the street and I am treated differently. I didn’t understand until recently when I understood the definition of a racist and the definition of racist policies.  I had to go back to him and apologize for not understanding.

That’s basically what I would I wanted to you know.  To find out from you how is the cohesiveness in an, interracial marriage, when one person has white privilege and the other person has to claw their way for everything?

So, the other question I have on here is and I think you mentioned it, people staring at you and I think you said that you felt protected because Kevin was so strong and you weren’t scared; but did it bother you psychologically?

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Ericka Augutis We’ve been married for so long,  I would say it bothered me until we had our son.  A small portion of me would wonder is it worth it?   Is it worth it, why can’t we just go out to dinner and just have a nice dinner without any stares, comments or judgment?  So I would say, yes it does bother you, it does affect you.  You just have to find a way to deal with it and ensure that your relationship is solid enough where it’s worth it.

How does Interracial Marriage affect children?

Myrna Young How does your 14-year-old son, he’s old enough to understand what’ going on right now in the world, how does he relate to having a white dad?

Ericka Augutis Oh, that’s a good question so, he’s actually okay with it. He was in Boy Scouts from the age of I think five or six until 12 years old and I remember we were on a camping trip he may have been 7 or 8 at the time and he came into our tent and I could tell something was wrong.  His face was a little flushed, so I said to him what’s wrong he said this kid asked him why is your dad white and your mom black?

I said, what did you say?  He says I said because they love each other! So I think he’s okay with what’s going on right now.  I did not know how to quite handle it when a child asked him like where is he from? If he was Spanish?  I think that’s he’s at that stage where he’s getting that question and has to figure out how he’s going to handle it and answer it.

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Is there a Color to Love? The Answer is NO.

Myrna Young It sounds like your, interracial marriage, is healthy. You guys don’t see color.  Your, color of love, is blended.  You love your kids, you show them love you don’t show them a difference and that’s definitely the way to go about it.  So your, interracial marriage,  experience has been a good one.  As a, black woman, marrying outside of your race  you still go through get the same racism and racist policies that our, black men, go through on a lesser scale.

That’s basically what I wanted to have a conversation so that we can shed a light on, interracial marriages. I mean we’re looking at black and white but, interracial marriage, can also be Spanish and black or even religion Muslim and Christian or anything that makes you different.  It causes some controversy or cause some friction.

Ericka Augutis I don’t want the podcast listeners thinking I am making, interracial marriage, sound like it’s just perfect.  Absolutely not, there are challenges don’t get me wrong.  When we get invited to parties and there’s only a sprinkle of brown and black people in room, you have to figure out how to navigate.  Do you want to be like over-the-top polished or just be yourself. When our families get together we both have to play roles.  Every day you encounter racism. If you’re dealing with the public or you go in a public space you’re dealing with those types of situations where people are looking people are asking questions so it’s a conversation that you have more often than not. When you’re in a relationship like this, it’s something that you have to deal with if you want it to work out.

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Myrna Young I thank you for coming on and having a seat at this table I appreciate it. I hope our readers and listeners learned a few things one, interracial marriages, can work. They can be successful, you just have to have love and talk about it.

I want to remind you that if you like this content, please share with your friends, subscribe on iTunes rate and leave a review.

Additional Resources and mentions

Paradigm Shifts that can Heal Racism in America

How to Find your Soulmate – the Science of Attraction

https://voxeu.org/article/incarceration-unemployment-and-black-white-marriage-gap-us

Coach Myrna Young, Life Coaching Blog and podcast

Fear: How to overcome and Find Joy
Fear: How to overcome and Find Joy

Fear is an energy. Thoughts are the most powerful energy force in the universe.

Thoughts can be either positive or negative.

Heading up the rear of negative thoughts, is fear.

It is the bottom feeder or all the emotions.

If you allow fear to linger in your body and in your mind, It will not only attract the thing you fear the most into your experience; but it will also bring disease to your body.

All diseases can be traced back to negative thoughts and fear.

Negative thoughts transform your body into an acidic state.

Fear is a negative thought magnified to the 1000th degree.

In fear mode, your body is activated in the fight or flight mode,

Your body tenses, your breathing is shallow, your heart palpitates, your blood pressure is elevated, your hands and body sweat.

Not a good place to dwell.

Unfortunately, your brain cannot detect the difference between your imagination and reality, so the person in the grip of fear cannot tell the difference. They cannot tell that it is false evidence appearing real.

 

Today I want to teach you how to use positive energy to clear the negative energies of fear. But first I want to review one of the Spiritual Laws of the Universe. The Law of Sowing and Reaping.

We all know of the physical laws like Gravity.

Some laws are physical and some are Spiritual and quantum.

Understanding the spiritual Law of Sowing and reaping can change your world.

Understanding that whatever you create it in the spiritual world of your thoughts will manifest in the physical world.

Put another way, that means whatever you plant in the fertile soil of your mind you will manifest in your physical world.

Just like planting an apple tree

Except that in the spiritual world

The soil is your mind

The seeds are your thoughts

The water are your actions

And The sun is your feelings

If you allow fear to dwell in your heart and mind every day you will manifest an apple orchard in your reality.

Energy flows where attention goes 

Whatever you focus on expands 

Everything is energy and all energy attracts similar energies.

You can’t put out negative energy and expect positive results.

You can’t plant apple trees and expect oranges.

Likewise, you can’t focus on what you fear and produce a successful result.

If you are constantly thinking of the things you fear, you are planting a seed and based in the universal law of reaping and sowing, it must germinate.

The mind or consciousness is connected to reality.

Think of something strong enough or long enough to and it will eventually manifest in your reality.

These are six words you must stamp on your mind

“You become what you think about”

When you realize that your mind is a garden you will begin to plant only the things you desire.

Exercise:  write down something that is opposite of what you fear and start giving it the same attention you have been giving your fear. Since light conquers darkness, it will eventually have your fear for lunch!

 

Imagine you having fun traveling the world in crystal clear clarity.

Say daily affirmations that compliments your desire.

Visual your goal so much than sometimes you are not sure what is imagined and what is reality; the same way that you let fear take you out of reality.

Don’t get disappointed if it takes time to perfect this. Remember that positive things take time to manifest.

 

Weeds will sprout up; negative thoughts of failure will sprout up.

So, every morning find the weeds and dig them up.

Remember a successful gardener will always cultivate his land.

Cultivate your mind for success.

Life is energy, whatever you put out, is returned to you.

The mind does not care what seeds you plant, it will always return what you plant.

You can plant wealth or you can plant poverty.

You can plant fear or you can plant happiness.

Link: wakeupcloud.com/overcoming-fear

Link: http://srisriravishankar.org/

Here is an excerpt from the book: The Wise Heart: A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology:

The Buddha faced plenty of his own fear and terror of imminent death. This is a passage from the Buddha’s early writings that Jack Kornfield, a teacher who helped introduce Buddhist mindfulness practice to the West, quotes in his book.

How would it be if in the dark of the month, with no moon, I were to enter the most strange and frightening places, near tombs and in the thick of the forest, that I might come to understand fear and terror. And doing so, a wild animal would approach or the wind rustle the leaves and I would think, “Perhaps the fear and terror now comes.” And being resolved to dispel the hold of that fear and terror, I remained in whatever posture it arose, sitting or standing, walking or lying down. I did not change until I had faced that fear and terror in that very posture, until I was free of its hold upon me … And having this thought, I did so. By facing the fear and terror I became free.

Read the full article here:

http://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2016/11/18/13579842/ancient-buddhist-strategy-overcoming-paralyzing-fear

The energy of fear
The energy of fear

Fear – False objects appearing real, as per the about passage, can be released by standing your ground. Our instinctive reaction to fear is to turn and run because as humans we are hard wired to run from pain and towards pleasure.

But, as the Buddha teaches in the passage above if you stand and have the courage to not move, you become free of fear and realize that your imagination is always worse than the reality.

Let me share a personal story on how I overcame fear.

When I first came to the United States of America, I came as a business owner. I did not have any of the benefits of a permanent resident. As my business was building, I decided to earn money as a sales person selling vacations. I was not authorized to work in the US, so I became very fearful of being found out and being deported. Every night I would dream that the immigration officials would come to my house and take me away in handcuffs. Sometimes I would dream that they would throw me in the back of the trunk.

One day, my pastor preached a sermon on fear. He said that God promises to carry your burdens, so give them to God. He said when you give your fears and heavy loads to God, you can’t worry or take them back because that would mean that you don’t have faith in God’s promise to carry them. He asked the congregation to write our fears and heavy burdens on a piece of paper and ceremoniously throw them at the alter giving them to God. I wrote my fear of being deported on a piece of paper and threw in on the alter. In doing so, I became free because I gave it away to someone else, God. The good news is that I no longer was afraid of anything. Every time something came up that would potentially me fearful, I would face it and know that it will work out for my good. I stood on the scripture “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you.”

 

http://www.wisdom.srisriravishankar.org/overcome-fear-failure-sometimes-prevents-taking-initiative/

Wisdom by http://www.wisdom.srisriravishankar.org/

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

Now in order to transform the energy of fear into the energy of joy, I want to share with you a short meditation practice.

Sit quietly in a chair; be comfortable. Place feet flat on the floor, hands clasped in your lap. Close your eyes. Be present. Focus on your breathing, feel your belly rise and fall under your clasped hands.

Breathe in for a count of 4 and breathe out for account of 6. Thus, slowing down your rhythmic cycles. Be mindful of the air as it passes through your nostrils down your esophagus and into your abdomen. If your mind wanders off bring it back gently to your breathe. Your mind can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Concentrating on your breathe bypasses your mind. Once you slow your cycles and quiet your mind, you are now in the receptive mode to change your programming.

Think briefly about something you fear. Today we will use as our example the fear of flying. Today we are going to use our imagination to replicate the experience of flying while you are sitting comfortably and safely in your chair.

Let’s begin. visualize you are at the airport with your loved ones, your husband and 2 children. You are on your way to Venice, Italy. You chose Venice because you wanted a romantic vacation with your husband. You can’t wait to ride on the gondolas and be serenaded with live music, going to the opera and have the experience of taking a water taxi everywhere. You are excited. This energy is positive. You let this feeling of euphoria wash over you, you feel your body tingle with this positive energy. You feel good! Now you are boarding the plane, you are starting to feel a little anxious. You board the plane and find your seat, you buckle yourself in.  The pilot announces  that your flight time is 6 hours and that he will be flying at a cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. He advises you to give your attention the flight attendant and pay attention to the safety information. You notice your exits. You listen to what to do in the event of a water landing. Your mind is going nuts with fear, your heart starts to palpitate rapidly, you start to sweat. Now the airplane is taxing down the runway at full speed then it lifts off the ground. You squeeze your husband hand, you are hardly breathing, your whole body is tight. The plane is climbing it shakes a little you are so scared the sweat starts dripping from your forehead. The plane reaches cruising altitude, the pilot turns off the fasten seat belt sign and people start moving about the plane. You calm down a little, but still aware of every movement of the plane. The flight attendants come around and offer beverages. You ask for a glass of wine. You are feeling calmer. The flight is uneventful. After what seems like an eternity the pilot announces that in 30 minutes he will be starting his descent into Venice. Your fear returns, the plane shakes a little as it descends and you are once again in the grip of fear. The plane touches down and speeds down the runway braking speed. Your body is tight, your breathing shallow. Then it is all over. You faced your fear and came out on the other side! You exit the plane and you are in Venice.

I want you now to realize that you have taken your first flight in your mind. I want you to realize that fear is false evidence appearing real. I want you to realize that once you face your fear, like a bully, it backs down, I want you to realize that the energy of fear is keeping you stuck, I want you to realize that whatever your fear, just like we took a ride on an airplane and came out alive on the other side that is how all fear works. It has no real power over you. The only thing that is holding you back from doing the things you want to do is all in your mind. So, the only way the clear it is to start with the mind. Do a dress rehearsal in the mind and then do it in the physical.

The first step is to overcome fear is to face the fear.

The second step is to clear it from the place it is planted in your mind. Take a moment now to ask your higher self where the fear of flying came from. When was the fear planted? When you get the answer, you may think to yourself boy that was silly or you may have a legitimate reason to be afraid of flying. Someone you know could have died in a plane crash or you yourself could have been in a plane emergency landing. The thing to remember is that you know that every time you drive on the highway you could die and you are aware of thousands of people who have died in car accidents; yet few people have a fear of driving in a car. So, consciousness is the second step.

The third step is to clear that energy by replacing it with positive energy. We are going to use the positive energy of gratitude.  Sit comfortably again. Imagine a bright light entering the crown of your head moving down through your check, down your throat, to your chest, down your abdomen through your feet. Feel this light fill all your energy centers as you become fully relaxed.  Now expand this energy out from your chest past the room, past your city, past your country, past the clouds, past the sun, past the planet into the stratosphere. You are now floating in cyberspace if you can bring your fear to mind in this space, do so now. Then replace that feeling of fear with the feeling of gratitude. Gratitude that you are alive, gratitude that you are in sound mind, that you have a place to sleep and food to eat. Gratitude that you are wealthier than 95% of the people in the world and you have the resources to travel to exotic destinations. Gratitude that you will not let fear rob you of joy. Now set the intention to fly to the first place on your bucket list within the year.

I would love to hear your comments on what your fears are, and if you achieved a success result of transferring it with these exercises. Please share this podcast with friends and family and remember to subscribe and post a review.  Transform your Mind podcast is giving away a Free Checklist you can do every morning to replace your fears with positive affirmations.

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To receive please subscribe, rate and review this podcast then send me an email to info@myhelps.us with the subject line iTunes review.

Until next time Namaste