So many women stay in, unhealthy relationships, and complain. They feel unsatisfied, they feel unappreciated, they feel disconnected, but they stay because they don’t want to be alone. Blake D Bauer, relationship coach lets you know the signs when you should go, if you have given it all you got.
In this Blog and podcast, Blake D Bauer and Myrna Young, Life Coach, are going to be talking on the topic, unhealthy relationships, vs, healthy love. So ladies download and listen to the full interview because we’re gonna be talking about men and how to understand your man.
Listen to full interview here:
Introduction to Blake D Bauer and, Unhealthy Relationships
Myrna – How did you become an Author, Teacher and a Relationship Coach?
Blake – As a young man I struggled a lot psychologically and emotionally and I didn’t have a lot of healthy men role models in my life, so to cope and survive I got into drinking alcohol, partying and doing drugs.
As a man I instinctively learned how to survive by repressing my emotions. I spent a lot of time in the gym building up my ego and building up my muscles which is a very common masculine tendency.
It’s ironic because all that was my subconscious way of protecting my heart and my vulnerability and surviving the world. We all do that in our own way; but these are the common male tendencies.
Later I developed a desire to understand my purpose in life, which is another topic I think is really important for men. If we don’t have a very clear sense of purpose, it’s hard for us to be strong for our family, for the women in our life and our business. I found that my purpose was to become a, relationship coach, helping women understand when they are in, unhealthy relationships.
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Men really do need a very clear sense of purpose, to be a captain of the ship or be a king for his queen. I started waking up every morning trying to answer two questions.
- How do I free myself from this suffering of, unhealthy relationships?
- What’s the purpose of my life?
This question led me to five different universities where I studied psychology, nutrition, theories of education and early childhood development, Chinese Medicine including acupuncture and oriental medicine.
I then had a series of insights where I could see how, unhealthy relationships, including the, unhealthy relationship, with myself, was fueling, unhealthy relationships, with others.
In other words if we never learn how to love ourselves as children, it can lead to physical disease, psychological and emotional suffering like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and, unhealthy relationships.
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Blake – There was a point in my journey when I realized that everything was really about how you learn to love yourself and value yourself on a daily basis; because that’s the key to your health and happiness. It’s also the key to, healthy love, and, healthy relationships.
In my book “You Were not Born to Suffer” I share all my findings on, unhealthy relationships, vs, healthy love.
Why is Finding your Purpose Important for, Healthy Love?
Blake – One of the big questions that everybody asks is, Does money and wealth equal success and happiness? So that was the question I kept asking myself. Is success and happiness equivalent to financial success? Can you find, healthy love, if you have lots of money?
I had actually grown up around people who had been very successful financially; but who were very self-destructive and in, unhealthy relationships.
I saw people chase money, get it and lose it again doing drugs. They hurt their children, ruined their marriages and they all had, unhealthy relationships.
- So I started asking the question, What is the purpose of Life?
- I was plagued and tortured with questions like, Why did I come to this planet?
- Is there a God?
From the age of 18 to 24, I was on this very intense healing spiritual and personal development journey. I felt that the reason I had come to the planet and my purpose was to share my insights on self-love with as many people as possible.
If I could teach others how to love themselves then they would be able to love others and have, healthy relationships.
How does the Emotional Health of men lead to, Unhealthy Relationships?
A lot of women go into, unhealthy relationships, with men and they don’t get what they’re looking for because the man is not emotionally ready.
Sometimes as a woman you can also be seeking love from a man that you don’t give yourself, or that you didn’t get from your father. For example, it’s really important to have that self-awareness.
I am spending time with this guy because I really enjoy his company, I really enjoy his energy.
He’s supportive, he’s loving, he’s present plus I’m attracted to him. We should be having a, healthy relationship, but we are not. So if he is not giving me what I need, then I have to analyse why I am with him.
Ask these questions.
- Did you enjoy his company?
- Did you like feeling protected?
You want to build something with this man, so you start to open up. You tell him, I feel X Y and Z. Pay attention to whether he can really hear you.
- Does he listen and respond?
- Or does he check out and become distracted?
- Or does he change the topic?
Another good question to ask is:
- How do you feel about this or that?
- How does he feel about regrets in his life?
- How does he feel about the importance of communication or emotional connection?
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Blake – This is how you know if you can have a, healthy relationship, with this man.
If you don’t get the response that you want, this is the red flag that you are in an, unhealthy relationship.
A lot of men use this mask, I don’t like to talk. I don’t like to talk about my feelings.
If you get that response, say I need a partner who is able to open up and talk about his feelings, because that’s important to me. As a woman looking for a, healthy relationship, you need a partner who can connect to you emotionally and be there for you and be your best friend as well as a lover.
If you don’t demand what you want, this would be a whole relationship based on you betraying yourself, so the key from the beginning is don’t betray yourself. If you’re betraying yourself right now, STOP because it’s never going to get better.
Many women go into relationships thinking, I am going to fix this man up. He is a work in progress! He is like a fixer-upper, I’m gonna flip this house, I’m gonna flip this man. I’ll just put some nice new wallpaper and everything will be great.
NO it never works, it just doesn’t work.
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What does, Healthy relationships, look like?
If you’re looking for this great of a husband then you have to be a great wife. If you’re looking for a, healthy relationship, then you’ve got to understand what are you bringing to the table, starting with self-love. You’ve got to fix yourself because even if you do get the man, he might not stay because you’re insensitive, you’re bitchy, or you complain all the time.
You’ve got to be the best version of yourself, you’ve got to be able to understand what you what you want up front and ask for it.
Healthy relationships, are merely a projection of the relationship you have with yourself. It directly connects back to where you have unhealthy thought habits and unhealthy habits of internalizing your emotions or pretending you feel different than you feel.
What are the steps to check if you are in an Unhealthy Relationship?
There’s a couple of practical approaches and mindsets that go with having, healthy relationships.
- One is that you have to become very aware of what you’re feeling on a daily basis, so for example you can just ask yourself, What do I feel right now in my body?
- Get used to saying – I feel hungry, I feel hot, I feel frustrated, I feel sad, I feel depressed. I feel unloved, I feel angry, I feel alone.
- Become intimate with your feelings.
- On a daily basis talk openly and honestly with your friends, your family or your partner.
- Find someone that you feel safe with that and who you can talk to on a daily basis about what’s going on inside of you. If you don’t have a friend or a family member that you can talk to openly and honestly, then it’s important to find a therapist.
- Another thing you can do on your own or until you talk to someone, is to get a diary or a journal and write, Dear Universe or Dear God, depending on what you believe. Some people have a connection with a deceased loved one, like their mother or their father or a grandparent, you can write to your loved one who has passed on as well.
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You are in an, Unhealthy Relationship, should you stay or should you go?
Firstly, expressing your emotions honestly and kindly, is the first step if you are in an, unhealthy relationship. Most of us never learned how to do that, and that sabotages relationships and makes us sick and miserable. So you got to learn how to be open, honest, and vulnerable on a daily basis.
- Step two is acting in integrity, acting in alignment with what you feel and want and need. So how many people stay in, unhealthy relationships, and all they do is complain. They feel unsatisfied, they feel unappreciated, they feel disconnected; but they stay and they complain.
- They don’t take action following what they feel, because they don’t want to be alone. Yet most people in that situation feel alone anyway. They stay in an, unhealthy relationship, and stifle the chance of meeting someone new.
You should leave an, unhealthy relationship, if you’ve done everything you can in that situation to heal the relationship and the other person’s not willing to help.
Conclusion for Unhealthy Love Relationships
You can leave without regret. You know in your heart you gave it a hundred percent, you gave everything you had. You took the responsibility for your actions. This person did not meet you on the bridge!
Blake – My book “You were not born to suffer” is on Amazon, iTunes and audible. It’s on audio kindle and paperback, you can get it at any bookstore. I normally teach at retreats throughout the year in person in the united states, I teach a lot in the mountains in Colorado at a 600 acre Buddhist retreat center. Now that we have COVID Check out my online events on my website unconditional-self love. Com.
Follow the Transform Your Mind Podcast on Instagram @https://www.instagram.com/myrnamyoung/
on Facebook @https://www.facebook.com/Transform-Your-Mind-356442618235798/
on Twitter @https://twitter.com/myrna_young1
Join my Private Life Coach Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/193005424200128/
Subscribe to this podcast on iTunes https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/transform-your-mind-coach/id1144973094?mt=2
Additional Resources Unhealthy Relationships
https://myhelps.us/alchemy-desire-episode-5-long-term-relationship-dance/
https://myhelps.us/what-is-the-1-thing-women-can-do-to-improve-their-relationships/
https://www.mentalhelp.net/relationships/is-it-love-or-codependency/
